My partners family don’t like me

[Summer965]

hello, I’m hoping to please get some advice on my current relationship..

we’ve been together for a year and a half and it wasn’t straight forward from the start due to my situation having children (and him not having any) and previously coming out of a DV relationship. I have since done the work (counselling ongoing and a course about looking out for perpetrators) but coming into a relationship after this really brought up some vulnerabilities that I thought I was truly over which lead to a lot of anxieties and overthinking, but I have worked through that and started taking sertraline which helped. the person I’m with is your typical avoidant and he can be the best person in the world but also be so cold and distant.

So we’ve had a few break ups in that time where he’s always come back and realised he ruined ‘a good thing’, but obviously this has taken its toll and his family now don’t want anything to do with me. He tells me he’s never said anything ‘bad’ about our relationship, but they really do not like me.

hes been telling me for months that they really like me and they just want to see us happy but only he gets invited everywhere and they said I am not allowed to be invited until they are ready to accept me again.

don’t get me wrong I understand that to some degree, but we’ve now been back together for 6 months we have done the work and happier than ever, he’s now moved in to my home, but all of a sudden his family are now saying they don’t think it’ll work so until they see it, they won’t be making the effort.. my thoughts are that we’ve worked hard this time round, we haven’t split up, we are happy, my partner says he has told them this, but how are they supposed to see us happy if they don’t see us together.

anyway its got to the point where I feel like I have put the olive branch out so many times but they don’t want to know, they expect my partner to go round weekly to see them alone and not to feel sorry for myself but I feel so alone and isolated, I still see my own friends and family but I just don’t know how the relationship will work when there is the strain of this. Then a petty part of me, feels like I’ve put my efforts in so much that I’m done with now even trying and feel like I either have to wait for their say so.. which could also never even happen.

sorry it’s so long, I just felt like I really needed to vent, but some advice on this would help please.. when I ever speak to my partner on how it’s making me feel he can shut me down but that’s because he has a very close bond with his siblings.

He has made you feel bad about yourself, lonely and isolated. He’s done this deliberately, so you will be easier to control. He’s a bad man, sorry OP.

If he had a landlord, he would have no longterm interest in the property, yet he would still have a to pay rent and utilities.

He shouldn’t be saving money by living in your home unless having him there provides you with similar savings.

You're not the issue, he is.

Anyone who tells you "my family don't like you" isn't a good person.

You stand up for the person you love and don't take any bad mouthing from them, but he didn't..... he's happy to feed them whatever it is he's telling them.

Totally get why you'd doubt yourself and be in this relationship for as long as you have, but writing to MN is a big step forward in realising something isn't right.

Trust your instinct OP, he's a user.

Hey op I hope you realise he’s manipulating you and trying to control you like others have said get rid. He wants to sponge off you he is probably telling them your a crank or got mental health issues please do not put your kids through this. He is abusing you I hope you can see this. Who asks for any type of agreement within moving in he’s telling you he won’t pay so he has scared you to think he is entitled to more and he will use your vulnerability against you. Any decent person would offer to pay towards your bills, food etc. He is expecting you to cover everything just so he can be a cock lodger change the locks tell him your done being a doormat and be grateful his family don’t want to know you it’s not you it’s him he’s done the damage. Please please get rid.

You’re in another abusive relationship. End it now. Stay single until your children are older. This so not fair on them. Your ideas of what constitutes a normal relationship are skewed because of your past abusive relationship. I would urge you to read this book

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

And to do the freedom programme. You need to also learn about boundaries. You must not move anyone in to your home when your children are still there. It’s not fair on them. And just because you have children doesn’t mean you won’t met someone else when you’re ready for a healthy relationship. That’s nonsense that an abusive man is telling you to control you.

You can have a healthy relationship with someone and not live with them as well. Keep your children’s home their safe space. Don’t move any man in to their home. By all means, go out on dates, invite your partner round to stay the odd night eventually, but do not let them move in. You’re not ready for another relationship. You will keep repeating the same patterns until you understand yourself better and learn to spot red flags. Boundaries are essential.

You were a convenien roof over his head and hes taken advantage End this now work more on yourself and put your children properly first

Please put your chilsren first none of this is good for them

OP, do not claim that you are putting your children first when you are clearly not. Change the locks, make better decisions and be a better parent.
Sorry.

I mean no disrespect, but you need to do those DV courses again. You’ve put yourself into a vulnerable position again, prioritise yourself not a man

Totally agree …

I agree with the PP who said you are in another abusive relationship and you have failed to recognise it, because it is different to the one you were in before. Reading through the thread, there are many danger signals about this man. You will never be good enough for him. It will all be your fault. He is wearing down your confidence and self-esteem. Take it all to your therapist. Make him leave. Make your children the centre of your world. Stand on your own two feet.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is cold and distant when you have been in a relationship that consisted of DV.
Why not just stay single for now be present with your children and nurture yourself with no pressures no one living with you and dealing with your partners family, having emotional freedom is the best form of therapy.
Healthy love will find you in time .

Thank you everyone, I agree with all your advice and I’m taking it on board, I will be telling him to move out and putting myself and my children first. I really appreciate the honest advice, sometimes hearing it from an outside perspective helps when it’s not coming from the people closest to you. I can really see the red flags and that I need to work on myself before another relationship. The reason I haven’t moved him out already was because I spent yesterday trying to communicate with him but to no surprise I was shut down and told ‘I’m bored of it’, that was my final straw.

Sums it up perfectly.

Good luck OP. It’s really very simple.

This isn’t working for me and I don’t see a long term future with you anymore. I have your stuff boxed up and ready to collect this evening - it’s just outside the front door. No need to return the key as I have changed the locks. Goodbye.

Job done. Move on. Kids, what do you want for your tea? Shall we put a nice film on?

First and best answer. His family are worried for him and I'm not surprised. Also its really too soon to put your children in this situation.

I knew he wouldn’t be paying any rent. Bet he didn’t pay at his parents either. You got yourself a cocklodger.

If he rented a house from a landlord, would he be entitled to part of the value of that flat? No. Just because you’re his gf, why should you put a free roof over his head?

Get him out OP.

Also, you keep saying his family are isolating you. No they aren’t. They aren’t your family. They are his. You’ve only known him 18 months. You have your own friends and family I assume. You don’t need his. When he goes to see them, go and do something fun with your children. No need to sit in feeling lonely.

Please get him to leave. I don’t like the sound of him at all.

Edit: just saw your update. Well done.

This. Don't waste time engaging with him when he tries to convince you he has habitation rights. Just say, "I'm bored with that - sorry". He's a dick. Change the locks and don't look back.