how do i confront him about his affair?

[CoffeeloverNo1]

Ladies, i need your help. Long story but my partner of 18 years decided to leave me unexpectedly and our two children aged 11 & 8 towards the end of last year. He said he felt like he lost the spark, didnt love me anymore and we just didnt have the same interests. It came from nowhere and ive been trying to deal with it all this time.

Ive recently been informed but a friend that the person he was 'messaging for a few weeks before' he split from me, her car has been seen at this several times, and overnight on occasion.

This woman he was messaging is someone he spent time with each weekend doing his hobby and they were both within this group. he developed a close friendship with her. i asked him why he didnt talk to me about our relationship and if he was unhappy and he just said, he doesnt know why.

Now i feel like it has been going on all this time and more happened than just messaged before he finished with me.

Add in the fact shes a married woman with children and it all makes sense.

Now how do i tell him i know hes lied this whole time without him then going straight to her... do i tell the husband first.

Tell her husband.

So sorry op, it must be awful trying to keep it together when hurt and angry .

Focus on you and the kids now. He’s in a new relationship and moving on. You need to grieve, heal and build yourself a beautiful life with your children.

You’ve no idea about the OW relationship with her partner or what goes on. You have all the info that you need, he is gone - he made that choice. You make the best of your own situation.

I’m so sorry. Another lying fool making the mistake that all women are stupid.
I guess the idiotic one he’s got following him around like a lovesick teenager is evidence to him that he’s right.
Hrs going to regret thinking that @CoffeeloverNo1: you’re way ahead of his game.

Do whatever you need to do ti get closure. You are angry and it’s understandable and rising above wouldn’t cut it for me either but I would say once you have done the confrontation bit draw a line under it. Concentrate on yourself and the kids and find a way to move on, don’t hold onto this. It’s called closure for a reason. Good luck.

Continuing to give your thoughts, energy, and peace of mind to either of them will reap nothing but bile. Vengeance is only hurting yourself. They don't care!

Get off social media, and leave them strictly alone.

It is terrible that you have been so injured and it is heartbreaking. Take back your power by concentrating on your children and your own progress in life. You are free to follow your heart, your dreams and your ambitions.

Leave them in the dust!!!

I’ve been in your situation after a 33 year marriage. I got exactly the lines you got. He said he wanted us to separate so I told him no I wanted a divorce. It took me about 5 years to work through my feelings. Then I decided to pick myself up, lose weight, start seeing other men and start the divorce formally. I was lucky enough to find someone else and he has helped me feel good about myself again. My ex husband regrets our split now and he even asked me to leave my new husband and go back to him - not a chance! I’m now happily married again and my ex lives on his own in a tiny flat. We are on friendly terms because of our adult children but the best revenge in all honesty has been moving on with my life and seeing his regret at ending our marriage. Don’t be too hasty to say things you might regret later.

This was me about 20 years ago. He eventually admitted it when she got pregnant - except that news reached me via a solicitor's letter during our divorce discussions. A bit of maths made things fall into place. All these years on, he's now on marriage number 3 because that girlfriend/then wife cheated on him! Someone once told me that karma would have the last laugh. Let karma do the work... I'm very happily married again, and wish I could go back and tell that girl 20 years ago, who thought her world had ended, that everything will be OK. Because it is. Travel hopefully into another future!

No good will come from it. He won't give you clusre. You must give that to yourself, but first greive this loss. It's a tough one.

My guess is it wouldn't make him feel pain, because he has already disconnected from your relationship. It might make him feel relieved that he doesn't have to keep his dirty little secret any more though. Don't give him that satisfaction!

I feel like you have the moral high ground - knowing (probably) without him knowing you know! I wouldn't "confront" him because he has nothing to lose, there'll be an argument and you'll just end up feel like the victim. You're worth so much more than that.

I'd work on moving on with your and your kids' lives - maybe take up something new to do with them that you wouldn't do with him - go wild camping, take sailing lessons, take up riding or whatever - and show him by your actions how strong you are as a family unit without him. It's his loss. You don't need him. 💪🤜

Even if his new sexual partner just lies there like a dead haddock, the sheer novelty will hold him for a while, but eventually he'll come crawling back. However, if the physical attraction is joined to chemical attraction, then he's gone. Personally I wouldn't take him back no matter what.

When a long relationship ends that one thought was trundling along okay, it's normal to want to understand why and to want feedback. I used to feel like this when younger. Now, I'm older and have mellowed and I'm more accepting of life's hardships and disappointments, I take a different view. If someone is showing you by their actions, believe what they mean and move on. Some people will never be able to give you reasons because they don't really know why themselves or they don't want to engage in a dialogue that's going to end up in sadness or an argument so they're evasive and muddled. Their treatment of you may be unjust and downright unreasonable but if you've tried to get feedback and it's not forthcoming, protect yourself. Feel hurt but move on. Get some proper legal advice, surround yourself with kind, supportive and positive people if you have such people in your life. If not, practise self-care. If you allow it, hurt, disappointment and frustration do pass. You'll move into the next phase of your life and your husband will be someone you used to know. You will find happiness but your life will be different. You can't force someone to be with you that doesn't want to. You are worth better. It's a big world out there. Sort out the co-parenting and allow yourself to cry but then allow yourself to heal. You've been blindsided and that will sting but don't let it destroy you. You are not defined by anyone else. Your you're own person. Good luck.

Why do that? One is then going down the Alice Evans route and that hasn't worked well for her. Her husband and his new partner have just bonded more quickly in having to fight Alice. I wouldn't waste anymore energy on them. The poster's old life has gone. Let them get on with their life and the poster must get on with hers. She's not the first person this has happened to and won't be the last. It's horrible and hurtful and there's a feeling that you want to make them pay. You won't be able to. Put energy in moving forward.

I would agree you do not owe her anything talk to her husband in the first instance .
to be honest if he is like that get rid of him . you can if your worried about the cost ? get a divorce for directly from the crown court and do a DIY divorce
However it really depends how much you stand to lose .So you may need to make your mind up and go through solicitors /lawyer to ensure you get a good deal for you and your children

I'd just let it and him go you won't feel any better confronting either he will never be straight with you especially as he will protect himself during divorce procedure the fact he did this to you and your children in the first places only proves 1 thing you all deserve a lot better I wish you all the best x

Great post! Spot on.

Different people will manage this situation in different ways. Personally, I wouldn't let his "poor me, my relationship fizzled out" narrative stand unchallenged. I would let his family know that he has been having and affair, which has ended your marriage. I would also let her husband know ( as kindly as possible). Then you need to move on. Get a solicitor, do not waste another minute ruminating on him. Focus on you and your children's future. Wishing you all the best.

I'm a big fan of the sarcastic 'yeah, right', possibly with an arched eyebrow. As soon as you start getting into the nitty gritty and accusing him of something, you have become the 'mad jealous wife' and that just plays into his narrative of having been unhappy for a long time. Whereas some stone-cold sarcasm that lets him (and others) know that YOU know exactly what's going on but are far too classy to sink to his level will drive him mad.

So whenever the 'I was unhappy for years' malarkey starts - raised eyebrow and a sarky 'yeah, course you were, right' can cut through their shit.

Just contact OW & say, you hope your exH won’t treat her as badly as he’s treated you & your children, obvs going into heavy detail!

Your dh and ow will not care.
Get divorce move on
You can control only your feelings and destiny.
See a counsellor and a lawyer fast.

Thanks everyone. I’m busy trying to get ready for a family holiday that was booked a year ago . Decided to still go after initially saying I didn’t think I could do it for months. (it’s with his side of the family and paid for) . He’s out there now. We go in a few day. Wish me luck . I’ve heard nothing from him regarding my letter either - not surprised

So you will be on holiday with him and his family? Wishing you lots of luck. Remember grey rock him! Don’t give him any emotion. Keep everything factual and rise above it all. Channel your inner Michelle Obama!

What letter did you send? Did you ever respond to the OW husband?

You don’t

have dignity and grace and rise above it
what can you gain from confronting him ? He will lie you will not get answers nor closure

painful and enraging as it is all you will do is stoke his ego and play into the the stereotype of crazy ex

Yes I will be. He is staying in another flat 20 mins away from me and the kids. We are all sharing a big villa with his mum and his sisters and their families. I’m doing this for the kids. If I didn’t go, they would have missed out on their first holiday abroad. I’ll be focusing on me and the kids having a good time.

I wrote him a letter explaining that I knew about his affair and I knew the truth myself now based on what I had been shown and putting piece together. I told him how it’s made me feel and the effect he’s had on not just me but the children too. Didn’t expect a response to be honest. I would have been more surprised if I got one! He can’t seem to deal with anything remotely difficult or challenging. That’s become more apparent.

no I haven’t done anything about the OW husband yet…

@CoffeeloverNo1when this holiday is over you seriously need to STOP obsessive over this. Move on. You don’t need to do anything re the OW or her husband. You are starting to come across as really desperate and clingy. You can and will be absolutely fine but you have to walk away and not loose all your dignity by going on and on and digging and what not. He’s left and for whatever reason he just doesn’t love you anymore, you deserve more don’t lower yourself and have a continual pity party. Dust yourself off and move on with your life.

I’m definitely not obsessed with him. I loved him. I’m hurt because of what he’s done. I’m not looking for information or digging. That info has come to me. I haven’t asked for it. Truth always comes out. I’m trying to piece together for closure.

trust me I want this holiday to be done with.