how do i confront him about his affair?

[CoffeeloverNo1]

Ladies, i need your help. Long story but my partner of 18 years decided to leave me unexpectedly and our two children aged 11 & 8 towards the end of last year. He said he felt like he lost the spark, didnt love me anymore and we just didnt have the same interests. It came from nowhere and ive been trying to deal with it all this time.

Ive recently been informed but a friend that the person he was 'messaging for a few weeks before' he split from me, her car has been seen at this several times, and overnight on occasion.

This woman he was messaging is someone he spent time with each weekend doing his hobby and they were both within this group. he developed a close friendship with her. i asked him why he didnt talk to me about our relationship and if he was unhappy and he just said, he doesnt know why.

Now i feel like it has been going on all this time and more happened than just messaged before he finished with me.

Add in the fact shes a married woman with children and it all makes sense.

Now how do i tell him i know hes lied this whole time without him then going straight to her... do i tell the husband first.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and the kids. I know how much you must be hurting right now.

He is never going to give you the answers you are looking for. He will deny that anything is going on, or he will say it started after you split. Or he will claim they are just friends and she is supporting him through his split.

Do you know if she is still with her husband? The fact she has been staying at his overnight would indicate that they have possibly split too?

What would it look like to you speaking to her husband?

Is it worth it?

I second this.

i would rise above this one - not your circus, not your monkeys, and thank god you are shot of him. You deserve better, but luckily the trash took himself out so now you get to move forward with your life and build yourself an incredible future without him

Why would you want to ‘confront’ him? What good would that do?

What you need is to cut him out of your life and your mind completely. (Presumably he will have some contact with your children - but that need not involve you at all.)

I’m sorry you’re still feeling that you want to put energy into this extinct relationship. Try to remember that every second you spend thinking about him is time taken away from your children - who need to be your priority.

The relationship is over. Have nothing to say to him that isn’t about contact with the children.

Confront him if you want as long as you know he won’t ever tell you the truth. She will have been ‘just a friend’, a ‘listening ear’, blah, blah.
Telling the husband is also up to you, but again, be careful - I was cheated on and admit I wish someone had told me, but every situation is different.
Im sorry this has happened to you, I know how shit it is.

Thank you all for your advice and comments. this was my first post on here and i cant beleive how quickly you are all there to support me. :)

Yes she is still married. Infact i contacted her husband back in November and asked if he was her husband. He replied and said 'do we know each other' and then blocked me! 3 months later in early March he unblocked me and and said 'Yes i am her husband'.

At the time i didnt reply as i wasnt sure what he was after and why he blocked me and then unblocked me. Maybe he suspects?

Its worth nothing that my ex knows i contacted him. her husband must have mentioned it to her and then she mentioned it to my ex.

She posts on instagram not very often and when she stayed overnight, she made sure she posted a picture with her female friend. Likely story of staying over at hers that night, i bet.

Is it really worth it?

The marriage is over and you know what’s happened. Confronting him or trying to get answers isn’t going to get you anywhere.

I would try and concentrate on your and the children and making your little bubble a happy place where you can heal and move on.

i know hes not going to admit it to me deep down.... i want to cause him pain. I want him to feel the pain hes put me through. Hes made out hes done everything he could and it wasnt anything i did blah blah blah. but now i can see it was all rubbish. He developed and persued her and in turn felt nothing for me.

Message her husband say she's having a fling with your dh, message your dh and tell him you know all about it.

All the 'is it worth it' posts, yes it is worth it! He has gaslit you with his pathetic reasons for leaving and while of course it won't change anything he needs to know you know 'the lost the spark' and 'don't have the same interests' excuse was actually 'I'm shagging someone else'. Good luck .

Exactly. He can't have his insincere 'oh we just grew apart, the spark was gone!' fake regret. He had a fling and has left you for her.

You need closure and calling him out on it is just that.

Love this Gloriia.

I know it wont change anything but i want him to know that i know! and i know hes been the liar all this time. Theres me thinking what else could i have done to save our relationship (which he also wasnt interested in trying to do when i suggested counselling. no wonder why he didnt want to. no wonder he couldnt do it anymore. i just feel so angry and upset.

If this will make u feel better do it.

Message her husband back and tell him exactly what you know. Tell him about the times she has stayed over at his. Tell him you believe their "friendship" is the reason your marriage broke up.

I would then contact your husband and let him know what you have done and let him deal with the fall out. Just to hear the panicked questions he will have for you.

I still believe you won't get the truth from him tho. He's an arse, you are well rid.

How are you and the kids coping?

Ive been so desperate for closure. not knowing why or how we got to this place has been awful.

When i confronted him he said there wasn't anyone else . i asked him time and time again about messaging someone and he eventually admitted that. The next day he told me he made a mistake and was going to stay and make it wotk and he told he deleted all the messsges and told her they couldnt be friends anymore.

less than a week of 'trying' where he put even less effort than he normally did and i told him to leave. He didnt want to be there..icouldnt live with it anymore

Exactly. He doesn't get to relax in his 'poor me the spark had gone' bollocks. He iis a cheating liar so tell him you know, tell him everyone knows and watch the smug smile slip. Then draw a line and move on.
So sorry but be prepared for his attempts to return in 6months as the ow isn't quite what he wanted afterall 🙄.

Absolutely tell the husband it’s up to him what he wants to do with the information. Tell your husband you know about his affair that’s closure

I'm with Gloria.
Fuck them up! He cheated on you then left you AND your kids. She shagged your husband behind your back.
Literally fuck their lives up as much as you possibly can.

It sadly is a classic tale we see all the time. Bored mm/mw gets their head turned, start inappropriate messaging, confiding about their allegedly sad boring lives with a spouse who of course doesn't understand them. They get a bit of sex then the novelty wears off, meanwhile they've ruined lives left right and centre.

I hope you have support irl, so sorry for what you're enduring.

Yes I would tell her husband.

Honestly, if you try to get him to feel shame and humiliation you're wasting your time. If you devote yourself to tracking her insta, monitoring her visits to his house, wondering what to tell her H etc that's time and energy that's feeding your hurt and keeping you in the past. He's moved on, and you've got your reason why. Leave them to it and spend your time on yourself and your kids.

'Honestly, if you try to get him to feel shame and humiliation you're wasting your time'

You're right, he won't feel shame and humiliation. He will however probably feel irritated that his fake tales have been exposed which will be just as rewarding I'm sure.

Also, why does the other woman get to keep her family in tact... she must have known he was a married father... she did something very, very wrong too.
Maybe their new cosy world won't be quite so cosy when they are dealing with 2 divorces and 2 co-parenting plans!

That’s how I see it. Why should he get away with everyone thinking he’s a good guy and he just fell out of love when it’s not true. He’s lied to people Including his own family and making out he’s a good guy when he’s not.

She’s known we were together for 18 years .. she’s known him for 2 years doing a hobby they enjoy together. I never saw an issue. I trusted him fully and he never gave me reason to ever doubt him in the whole time I was with him. Blindsided to be honest! I still can’t quite believe it.

I would message her husband telling him and I would message your husband too.

It’s definitely worth it!

@CoffeeloverNo1, I’m very sorry that you are going through this trauma. Your devious ExP has inflicted so much pain.

Please inform OW’s husband. He reached out in March and deserves to know the truth about his life and marriage … just as you do. It’s not fair to keep him in the dark. Tell him asap, as his agency has been stolen by OW and she is potentially putting his health at risk.

After you’ve reached out to her H, contact your ExP and inform him that you know about his cheating and con job. You deserved his fidelity and honesty, but he trashed your marriage and family like you all were shit on your shoe. You have every right to assert your self-respect and tell him that you know the truth.

@CoffeeloverNo1, after gaining this closure, draw a line and move forward into a healing space with your children. Access IC if you think that support would help you navigate the grieving process.

Sending positive thoughts to you.