how do i confront him about his affair?

[CoffeeloverNo1]

Ladies, i need your help. Long story but my partner of 18 years decided to leave me unexpectedly and our two children aged 11 & 8 towards the end of last year. He said he felt like he lost the spark, didnt love me anymore and we just didnt have the same interests. It came from nowhere and ive been trying to deal with it all this time.

Ive recently been informed but a friend that the person he was 'messaging for a few weeks before' he split from me, her car has been seen at this several times, and overnight on occasion.

This woman he was messaging is someone he spent time with each weekend doing his hobby and they were both within this group. he developed a close friendship with her. i asked him why he didnt talk to me about our relationship and if he was unhappy and he just said, he doesnt know why.

Now i feel like it has been going on all this time and more happened than just messaged before he finished with me.

Add in the fact shes a married woman with children and it all makes sense.

Now how do i tell him i know hes lied this whole time without him then going straight to her... do i tell the husband first.

I’d definitely tell the husband and then let your husband know.

I have no idea why people council that this should just be something you suck up and accept.

It gives you some power and control back and most definitely gives the husband his personal agency and right to informed choice back.

NO WAY would I keep quiet, I’d feel complicit in the affair that had wrecked my family. It would very much help give you closure.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, what a pathetic man child!

If you want your ex to know then tell him. If you want other people to know they are sleeping with each other then go ahead. Then just stop the nonsense and concentrate on your children.

Have you got proof for the husband? If not, she will easily dismiss it as gossip.
If you’ve got no proof for your ex, he equally will dismiss it / deny it/ minimise which might make you feel even shitter.
Tell your ex factually and tell him you’re telling all friends / family etc. but really actively shut him down if he denies - don’t enter into any discussions about it.

It's not going to make you less angry and hurt. It's just going to give weight to him telling everyone you're crazy and made his life hell.

What you focus on grows, so do you want more break up drama, or do you want to move forward with your new life?

The greatest revenge is getting on with living your best life. Don't spend any more energy on these clowns, they deserve each other.

It's shit that you're in pain, the fastest way to end it is to put them behind you.

I would also tell the husband but I wouldn’t phrase it that they are having an affair but rather tell them the facts as you know them, they have been messaging, he suddenly left you, and her car has been spotted at his. Let him make his own conclusions. He can go investigating if he wants but you have done your part.

Be prepared that if her H leaves her she is likely to go running to your H. Or she may end it with him if her H is suspicious and she wants to make her marriage work. In which case expect him to be begging to come back.

You will never be able to trust him again so try not to dwell too much on what he is doing and focus on building a better life. That is the best revenge. Show him what he is missing, don’t get dragged down to his level.

You’re going to gain absolutely nothing by digging around and never ever contact the husband again. Keep your dignity and move on.

sorry Op - I was left for someone else when I was younger - all the same lines 'jthe fun has gone, don't feel the spark' - it hurts so much when you realise they fell for someone else

BUT - I want to give some advice I really wish I'd followed at the time.

A friend said to me 'don't bother trying to get the to feel your pain or hear your sadness, their energy is focused somewhere else - you will be pouring your pain and energy into a black hole - they are no longer connecting with you and your feelings

I wasted so much time and energy wanting to know why he didn't care anymore, ruminating over and over, wanting him to understand my suffering

Hard as it is, try to find other sources of comfort - therapy, friends etc - I'm not saying don't be honest with him - I think it's important you are - but he is never ever going to give you the replies you want -

You have no evidence he did cheat though? It’s perfectly possible it was a friendship, quite possibly an emotional affair that he didn’t see as cheating and possible that it didn’t turn physical until months later - and you don’t even have ‘proof’ about that either. He can and likely will absolutely deny it. And turn it around on you, that you were at fault or not enough yada yada, or your his crazy ex making you wild accusations. How will you feel if he does that?

Yes of course it’s very very likely his feelings for her were the catalyst, or he had a full blown affair - but without proof he has plausible deniability and can paint you as the scorned woman trying to ruin his reputation.

Tell him by all means. Tell the husband too but expect that might result in her leaving him for your husband. 18 years and a whole life is a lot for him to walk away from - whatever the reason, it’s shit and painful for you, but it’s done and you need to focus on rebuilding your life without him. If you think this will help you achieve it then go for it, but be prepared that it might not give you the satisfaction you’re craving.

I'd quietly tell the husband including details of when the car was there etc and leave it at that for now. Your ex won't be able to question you on telling him without revealing his hand but he will know you know. I'd also make sure I wore a smug confident "I know exactly what happened and am no longer questioning my role in the end of our marriage" look on my face.

@CoffeeloverNo1 id tell him I knew he was nothing but a scumbag Lier who was cheating all along .

The husband blocked you as he belived you were causing trouble . ( probably she convinced him ) then he’s unblocked you as he has his own suspicions .
Unblock the husband and arrange a coffee or a chat on the phone . He deserves to know. .
You don’t owe your ex anything op .

The payback aspect worries me, not because I don’t think your ex deserves it, but because I don’t think hurting people in revenge is always as cathartic as it may seem.

But putting that to one side, I think the husband deserves to know as much as you know. It would have helped you if he’d known much sooner and told you. It’s awful being kept in the dark - especially as he seems to be groping about.

This
No sensationalism just tell him the facts. I wouldn't even tell your ex you've done it. If just let it implode.

I don't understand why you need to "confront" him, OP.
Sadly, it does sound like your marriage has ended now. Wouldn't it be better to start planning for the future - including a civil relationship with your husband, for the kids' sake - rather than looking back to the past? Confrontation will achieve nothing.

The husband may know more than you do. The fact that he's unblocked you and replied suggests he knows what's been going on. When in your position, I knew the OW's husband had found out about it, but I was not sure if he knew they were still together. I wrote a sentence asking if he knew what was going on. He wrote back that this was a hard time for him as they were breaking up, so he didn't want to discuss it. No more discussion required.

Agree with others that if you confront your now-ex, he will continue to gaslight you, make out that it's your fault/you have got it wrong/you are a bitch for snooping. Something that makes you feel frustrated and hurt.
You know that he was up to no good, now. It's about 99% likely that they were having a full-blown affair for some time before he left. Maybe just mention it as a fact: "I can have the kids on your birthday weekend if you'll be with Mary again".

I wouldn’t confront. I would begin sharing my POV with others and him that the marriage ended because he’s not the type of person you’d want to spend the rest of your life with. And leave it at that. You don’t need to confront him.

That look you give him is enough for him to know that you know.

It is a terrible thing to feel blindsided. And I know you are just looking for a way to feel better - thinking that confronting him will be that.

Unfortunately - I don't think it'll really change how you feel, and the pain will still be there. Time and moving on will change.

Sadly relationships change and die, very often. And it is also often that the other partner is unaware - as we tend to just focus on daily tasks and raising kids. And men are crap at understanding their feelings and even more crap at talking.

You can tell your close friends the truth about why he left. You can tell her H - but your proof is only hearsay, so thread carefully. Beyond that - shouting it from the rooftops is pointless. No one really cares. And you would only look unhinged.

Have you had any counselling? If not - I'd really encourage you to look for some. And overall - try to refocus from getting stuck in resentment and start looking towards re-building your life.

For whatever reason your H has decided he is unhappy and wants to change his life. By the sound of it - he didn't exactly leave "for" the other woman, as she is married and not getting divorced. More likely than not - talking to her and getting close with her over the hobby (whatever that entailed) made him realise that he wanted to re-start his life. Men seem to get that idea - and it often manifested in some form of midlife crisis. It's not something you have done, it's really all on him. It's unfair and painful - but also not something you can change. Sadly

Good luck

I cannot believe how many people think you should talk to the husband. Honest it’s screams desperation and you should just be holding your head high and focusing on yourself. She is nothing to you, her husband is nothing to you. Why waste your energy and appear all batshit? Just quietly get on with having a great life without him.

Agreed and don't be a stalker it won't end well

It’s not worth speaking to her husband , but I wouldn’t blame you at all if you did. Sod it, she helped destroy your marriage.

Since the husband has unblocked you and has made contact, then you would be doing him a favour by telling him. He can then make educated decisions about his life.

I wouldn't bother telling your ex husband you've done this. Why give him (and his affair partner) the heads up?

I know it's hard but I'd do your best to not engage with your ex in the future, only as much as is required.

Given he's already left I wouldn't tell her husband. It'll take all your choices away when she goes running to your partner and I worry you might regret it later and feel you pushed them together.
If it was me, I'd concentrate on you. Do things for yourself that make you feel good and put your own stamp on your home.
You can make sure they both know about it - post plenty of happy things on your socials and ignore him.
My guess is he'll see the grass isn't greener - which will give you great satisfaction whether you still want him or not.
It's the most awful thing to know you've been cheated on. Sending hugs

I'm so sorry you're going through this op. If you confront him there is a high likelihood that he will deny it but it does sound like she was the reason he left you. Maybe nothing physical happened until after you broke up though. It does sound like her husband suspects something. Maybe meet up with her husband for coffee and a good talk?

I wouldn’t confront him but I would tell her husband. Then I’d step back and let them get on with it. He deserves to know just as you did.

I’m so sorry, what a horrible way to find out the truth behind why he left.
To me I would stick to what you actually know has been going on. I think your suspicions are absolutely right, however, but there’s plausible deniability in it for them.
You can deduce but you don’t know the extent.
I think the husband deserves to know what you know, to me ‘minding your own business’ in these situations is colluding with the secret and to learn later that others knew when you didn’t and said nothing, makes you feel even more chump-like and humiliated.
The messaging he admitted to, plus the fact that rather than deny that he agreed it was inappropriate himself and allegedly told her it was wrong and that they couldn’t be friends anymore, (yeah right) means he’s said himself that it happened and it was wrong.You know she has been to his property and stayed overnight since.
Tell the husband that, and that you suspect an affair which has been going on since at least the messaging discovery. Tell him that you are telling him because you did not know and you think he has the same right to know too.
He might not believe you or even want to believe you, but at least you’ve said it, what he does with the information is then up to him. Be calm and reassure him that you are not acting out of spite, but because you think he ought to know what’s going on in his own marriage because you did not and you wish you had.
I would tell or message your husband calmly that you know what has been going on and have reliable witnesses, and that you have informed her husband as he has a right to know. Say calmly that it is a pity he could not tell you the truth like a mature adult. Then do not engage with denials or justifications, just leave it at that.
No arguing, vindictive behaviour, name calling or anything that loses you the moral high ground. You need to look dignified, calm and composed and not crazy, angry, bitter or spiteful. All of these things would be used by him to villify you and try to convince people that this is proof that you were a crazy nightmare and try to justify his cheating and leaving you.
I doubt you are going to make him feel bad. A bitter spiteful outburst would be music to his ears, to be honest. He’s desperate for reasons and excuses for what he did, they are both probably praying for you to turn into an absolute bunny boiler to give him an excuse and attempt to legitimise it all. So you stay calm, dignified and say what you need to say then just leave it alone. Her husband might throw her out so she will go straight to your husband, that would also be blamed on you, too, so think carefully before you go ahead and ask yourself if you can handle the possible consequences.
Don’t give energy to this, afterwards. Walk away and let them do their thing. They are irrelevant to you now outside of child access arrangements.
Take care of yourself and your children, they say the best revenge is a life well-lived.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I confronted him last night when he brought the kids back from taking them out for tea. I spoke to him very briefly outside whilst the kids were in the house and said I know about your secret affair with her. He pulled a face and said ‘what are you on about’. I said I’ve seen proof and it’s not come from me looking either. I said do you friends have sleepovers do they. He just said my name in a very condescending way. I didn’t really give him chance to speak and just said anyway I know now. So when you told me nothing was going on all those times you actually lied to me and your family. Then the kids came out and opened the door so I told them to say bye to him.

oh and just to top it off , he told me and the kids that he could only see the them for an hour as he had to get back and finish packing and try and get some sleep before early flight…. Lo and behold , her car rocks up at his and stays for an hour so utterly bullshit. It’s the kids I feel sorry for.