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Original poster

how do i confront him about his affair?

91 replies

CoffeeloverNo1 · 19/05/2025 14:27

Ladies, i need your help. Long story but my partner of 18 years decided to leave me unexpectedly and our two children aged 11 & 8 towards the end of last year. He said he felt like he lost the spark, didnt love me anymore and we just didnt have the same interests. It came from nowhere and ive been trying to deal with it all this time.

Ive recently been informed but a friend that the person he was 'messaging for a few weeks before' he split from me, her car has been seen at this several times, and overnight on occasion.

This woman he was messaging is someone he spent time with each weekend doing his hobby and they were both within this group. he developed a close friendship with her. i asked him why he didnt talk to me about our relationship and if he was unhappy and he just said, he doesnt know why.

Now i feel like it has been going on all this time and more happened than just messaged before he finished with me.

Add in the fact shes a married woman with children and it all makes sense.

Now how do i tell him i know hes lied this whole time without him then going straight to her... do i tell the husband first.

OP posts:
RedRock41 · 27/05/2025 07:31

Is there a chance she was and is just a good friend? Know it’s highly unlikely but if she did stay over could it have been as he was upset at your relationship breaking down and gave him a listening ear?

Expose if it will make you feel better. It’s clear he’s absolutely done a number on you. 18 years a long time but just in case there is a chance it’s a friendship could just caveat how you put it to them all so they don’t (or can’t easily) just dismiss as you being nuts ex.

Instead of my ex been having an affair with your W. Could say, based on the information I have I think you should know they have spent the night together (and other evidence). Whether there is more to it or not, I know he won’t tell me the truth (and we split up after 18 years with 2DC) but thought you should know.

For him keep it simple…
I know you lied about the reason we split up. 18 years. 2 children. Didn’t even have the decency to tell me the truth. Just want you to know I know.

Gloriia · 27/05/2025 07:52

'you seriously need to STOP obsessive over this. Move on. You don’t need to do anything re the OW or her husband. You are starting to come across as really desperate and clingy'

She is sounding hurt and angry, understandably so.

Women don't alway go away quietly when men spout their 'the spark has gone but there is no one else honest' bollocks.

Gloriia · 27/05/2025 07:55

' He is staying in another flat 20 mins away from me and the kids. We are all sharing a big villa with his mum and his sisters and their families. I’m doing this for the kids'

I'd imagine this will be very hard for you op. As the kids are 11 and 8 why not let them just go with their grandparents as their Dad will be around too? You stay at home and have some relaxation and fun?

BlueEyedBogWitch · 27/05/2025 08:22

I’d not be going on that holiday. Odds are you’ll be stuck at home babysitting while he’s out on the piss.

Let him take them and learn what being a single dad really means.

Gloriia · 27/05/2025 08:27

BlueEyedBogWitch · 27/05/2025 08:22

I’d not be going on that holiday. Odds are you’ll be stuck at home babysitting while he’s out on the piss.

Let him take them and learn what being a single dad really means.

Yes and also it'll be difficult for the inlaws, so then the dc might well feel a bit stressed and anxious. I'd sit this one out op Flowers.

TheRhodesian · 27/05/2025 10:28

It happened. Move on. He was never worth your time and investment but 18 years on... sounds like andropause on the horizon. Men aged 38 to 50 get an itch to get it on with as many women as possible before they lose their virility and sex appeal. They try prove they are still man enough to pull a bird but after 50 this fades away. It's purely biological response to the drop in testosterone but most guys don't know or understand this and follow their little brain in the biggest way: affairs.

It's an issue of self control and very few men have this in good measure. The cure is age. Preventative measures include plenty of sex, whenever, wherever, and without reserve. Forget your go-to denial, that will only make things worse for him. A biological clock issue needa a biological control method. Morals don't work if the person is amoral and even then, they account for about 40% of restraint. Tip the scales in your favour and get it on. Daily if possible.

Original poster
CoffeeloverNo1 · 27/05/2025 10:51

RedRock41 · 27/05/2025 07:31

Is there a chance she was and is just a good friend? Know it’s highly unlikely but if she did stay over could it have been as he was upset at your relationship breaking down and gave him a listening ear?

Expose if it will make you feel better. It’s clear he’s absolutely done a number on you. 18 years a long time but just in case there is a chance it’s a friendship could just caveat how you put it to them all so they don’t (or can’t easily) just dismiss as you being nuts ex.

Instead of my ex been having an affair with your W. Could say, based on the information I have I think you should know they have spent the night together (and other evidence). Whether there is more to it or not, I know he won’t tell me the truth (and we split up after 18 years with 2DC) but thought you should know.

For him keep it simple…
I know you lied about the reason we split up. 18 years. 2 children. Didn’t even have the decency to tell me the truth. Just want you to know I know.

Edited

very unlikely she’s just a friend. He told me and admitted the borderline inappropriate messages they were sending to each other (after I refused to leave the room until I got h to truth). She wouldn’t be there 7 months later comforting him because he’s upset. He’s showed little emotion at all.

I’ve told him anyway that I know now. He will do the cowardly thing and not even mention it is my guess. Certainly won’t mention on holiday. I just didn’t want to go away with knowing what I know and not saying anything.

OP posts:
BlueEyedBogWitch · 27/05/2025 11:17

TheRhodesian · 27/05/2025 10:28

It happened. Move on. He was never worth your time and investment but 18 years on... sounds like andropause on the horizon. Men aged 38 to 50 get an itch to get it on with as many women as possible before they lose their virility and sex appeal. They try prove they are still man enough to pull a bird but after 50 this fades away. It's purely biological response to the drop in testosterone but most guys don't know or understand this and follow their little brain in the biggest way: affairs.

It's an issue of self control and very few men have this in good measure. The cure is age. Preventative measures include plenty of sex, whenever, wherever, and without reserve. Forget your go-to denial, that will only make things worse for him. A biological clock issue needa a biological control method. Morals don't work if the person is amoral and even then, they account for about 40% of restraint. Tip the scales in your favour and get it on. Daily if possible.

Edited

I can’t formulate a response to this other than ‘what the actual fuck?’

YourPurpleGal · 27/05/2025 11:48

CoffeeloverNo1 · 26/05/2025 21:15

Yes I will be. He is staying in another flat 20 mins away from me and the kids. We are all sharing a big villa with his mum and his sisters and their families. I’m doing this for the kids. If I didn’t go, they would have missed out on their first holiday abroad. I’ll be focusing on me and the kids having a good time.

I wrote him a letter explaining that I knew about his affair and I knew the truth myself now based on what I had been shown and putting piece together. I told him how it’s made me feel and the effect he’s had on not just me but the children too. Didn’t expect a response to be honest. I would have been more surprised if I got one! He can’t seem to deal with anything remotely difficult or challenging. That’s become more apparent.

no I haven’t done anything about the OW husband yet…

Show quote history

It is not ideal that you are going on holiday like this. Keep calm, cool and collected. Focus on enjoying your kids. Ignore him - don't even make eye contact with him. Please don't go to joint meals/drinks where he will be. It would be wise to not drink any alcohol yourself - imbibing lowers your inhibitions and heightens emotions. You do not want to get riled up or drunk in front of the kids or other family!

Better yet, if the kids want to spend time with him and their other relatives, drop them off, go off to somewhere you want to be, and have them brought back at a prearranged time with them (presuming they are old enough and have a phone to contact you).

Rise above this horrible mess HE has created, for the sake of your children. Be a peacemaker at all costs.

As for the OW husband, forget about contacting him. Not your monkey; not your circus.

Cut off all contact with your spouse after the holiday and get a divorce underway. The only contact should be civil discourse regarding joint access to the children. These days, that can be through messaging so you don't even need to speak to him ever again.

Original poster
CoffeeloverNo1 · 27/05/2025 11:50

We are not married and I don’t drink 😂.

OP posts:
RedRock41 · 27/05/2025 13:54

I’ve told him anyway that I know now. He will do the cowardly thing and not even mention it is my guess. Certainly won’t mention on holiday. I just didn’t want to go away with knowing what I know and not saying anything.

Good on you OP. You’re probably right. Radio 📻 silence is cowardly.

Get your Euromillions on for tonight. Think 💭 the universe owes you some good 🍀 luck after last few months.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 27/05/2025 14:27

TheRhodesian · 27/05/2025 10:28

It happened. Move on. He was never worth your time and investment but 18 years on... sounds like andropause on the horizon. Men aged 38 to 50 get an itch to get it on with as many women as possible before they lose their virility and sex appeal. They try prove they are still man enough to pull a bird but after 50 this fades away. It's purely biological response to the drop in testosterone but most guys don't know or understand this and follow their little brain in the biggest way: affairs.

It's an issue of self control and very few men have this in good measure. The cure is age. Preventative measures include plenty of sex, whenever, wherever, and without reserve. Forget your go-to denial, that will only make things worse for him. A biological clock issue needa a biological control method. Morals don't work if the person is amoral and even then, they account for about 40% of restraint. Tip the scales in your favour and get it on. Daily if possible.

Edited

JFC what is this utter rubbish?

And which woman would want to have sex with the amoral animalistic grunting pig man that you describe? Let alone daily, which apparently you think would stop Mr Piggy from running off and flinging himself into the nearest vagina.

SonK · 27/05/2025 14:31

I would definitely say something just because it's the truth and it needs to come out x

The other husband deserves to know as well.

KopAl · 29/05/2025 18:36

Hi, I completely understand why you want to confront your ex with a “you were lying all along” and honestly I picked at the very same spot and really in retrospect wish I hadn’t. Unless you want to do a throwaway comment as you close your, no, YOUR door if he ever he drops your children off.

I contacted the husband in my situation and all he did was send a smug message of how he’d moved on and was with someone new.
Nothing will change your hurt and bewilderment at the collapse of your relationship. It’s just awful and you feel like your shared future has gone. Time does heal and I would relish that you don’t need to do his washing and clear up after his mess. Think of all that wardrobe you can fill with Vinted! I promise you that you will heal. Good luck xx

Original poster
CoffeeloverNo1 · 29/05/2025 22:14

KopAl · 29/05/2025 18:36

Hi, I completely understand why you want to confront your ex with a “you were lying all along” and honestly I picked at the very same spot and really in retrospect wish I hadn’t. Unless you want to do a throwaway comment as you close your, no, YOUR door if he ever he drops your children off.

I contacted the husband in my situation and all he did was send a smug message of how he’d moved on and was with someone new.
Nothing will change your hurt and bewilderment at the collapse of your relationship. It’s just awful and you feel like your shared future has gone. Time does heal and I would relish that you don’t need to do his washing and clear up after his mess. Think of all that wardrobe you can fill with Vinted! I promise you that you will heal. Good luck xx

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot x

OP posts:
PizzaSophiaLoren · 29/05/2025 22:26

I’m so sorry. I understand how hellish this is.
Sadly, he’s not going to tell you the truth. He’s a selfish piece of shit who only loves himself.
All of your energy and effort needs to be directed at rebuilding your life.

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