Help me figure out how to tell him

[TwinklingPotato]

Hello!

Let me preface this by saying I'm fairly sure I have Stockholm Syndrome, at least on a lower level. My friend showed me some stuff on it and yep, it makes sense..

I have been with my partner almost 13 years. We are unmarried, no children. He owns our home outright (inherited).

I moved in quickly, after a few months. I'd lived with him around 6 months, living off of my savings and his. We had fun, we laughed, it was new and exciting. He then said he didn't feel I was bringing enough to the table, that I should get a job, which I did. I have worked ever since (albeit in various positions climbing a ladder I didn't even realise I was on!). I now earn a good wage for my career.

He is (was) self employed. He stopped working with any regularity within a year of me moving in. The work dried up to some extent, he stopped looking, too. He said he would do the house up (it was very old fashioned!).

For the last three years, he's submitted a zero tax return, before that, he earned less than £2k per year (and that was largely the Covid payments he got, which shows how little he earned before that). I have paid 100% of the bills, food, gifts, all and any purchases for a decade.

He's done the bathroom (not 100% there but more or less), and 70% of the living room. He's also created two spaces for himself in two of the 3 bedrooms. One is a workshop, the other is a room for his hobby.

He is now working on his hobby, because he can, and because I have indulged him. He hopes it will make him some money (it's creative). Since 202 it hasn't, but it has cost (me) a lot in equipment, subscriptions, and software.

He sees no need to get any kind of paid employment. Because if he did, that would mean he would spend the weekends working on the house because he'd be out working all week, and then there would be no point being in a relationship.

Lots of this has come to a head for me recently, and I am really resenting it. I really don't enjoy my current position and would like to leave. doing so would mean a pay cut and he's not a fan of that. He'd rather I was unhappy because it supports us both really well.

I have been looking at houses to rent and have found one, and I really want to go for it.

However, I am racked with guilt and uncertainty.

• Is it better to stay where I am, and keep paying for everything for us both, but not have to worry about paying rent. Though I can't decorate or hang pictures etc., it's very much his house.
• I'm worried about him and how he will survive. He's in his 50s, so my sane mind knows he'll be ok and that he's not my responsibility, but my attached mind is concerned and putting him before me.
• I've sacrificed marriage and having children to sustain this relationship for this long. It started with promises that went nowhere, and now I am childless and in my 40s.
• If I don't praise him he gets angry, if I ask him to consider getting a job, he says that would mean the end of the relationship.

I know the right thing to do is go, I just don't know how to. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to hurt him or throw accusations at him. I've allowed the situation, too.

How should I word it, what shall I say? When? Should I wait until I have somewhere to go, or tell him before? Or should I stay?

Good point @BeNiceWhenItsFinished .. you don’t want to find this man any more. He 100% planned on you being his income until you could no longer work.
What if you want to spend time on music and creativity?!

Thans, and yes I agree totally. If the OP wants to pay for things, she can transfer money into the joint account if she chooses to do so. Or not, as the case may be. Being in control of your own finances is always the best policy.

He sounds like a problem. Kick rocks and move on. Someone who isnt willing to give you space in the relationship is a problem. You must have your freedom.

Christ Prioritise yourself, he won’t
Rent that flat and enjoy spending your own money as you wish. He’s a drifter( mine drifted off into a new woman’s arms after 18 years)

Yes do it now. You can always say I don’t know I’ll talk to payroll and push the what’s going on out a few days.

Pay to get your mail forwarded to new address. I wouldn’t tell him where you’re moving to. He’ll turn nasty

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Please please don't let him reel you back in. Remember he is very good at manipulating you into doing what he wants (and only what he wants). He's had 13 years practice after all, whereas you are only just starting to prioritise yourself. When you are feeling wobbly remind yourself that no partner in a healthy relationship behaves like this. I can't imagine for instance if you became unable to work that he would be at all pleasant about it. Please also listen to the posters expressing concern for your safety when you tell him. If you really do feel that you need to tell him face to face (I wouldn't in the circumstances) I really do think you should have someone around with you when you tell him .

What you’re describing is all text book abuse. This image should help you better understand that. You can also look up the cycle of abuse online which will help explain how abusers use the “honeymoon” period to sustain relationships when they recognise the other person is pulling away, often offering false promises, being very nice etc, only to return to being abusive once they feel they have secured the relationship again. It will be helpful to be mentally prepared for him behaving that way in response to you trying to end it. It would also be sensible to contact a local domestic abuse charity to gain support during the separation, as this can be when abuse increases, especially when they realise their attempt to manipulate are no longer successful and they’re losing control. I’d also highly recommend you complete the freedom programme online so you better understand abuse, and you can read why does he do that.

This this this!

I would find and arrange a flat to rent first and have it organised then "I'm moving out, I'm fed up supporting us both because you haven't been bringing anything to the table for 12 years". Leave and live your life.

He is a parasite

I’ve just read your thread and everything you’ve written. I know of someone who was in exactly the same position as you, with an abusive leech of a partner. She got out and since she’s been free of the leech in her life she has been so much happier. Holidays, adventures and a new love. You ARE doing the right thing. A broken clock is always right twice a day and that’s the bit you’re still attached to, the occasional bone he throws you. You’re going to thrive! Be resolute. He’s used you for too long. I’m excited for you!

He’s not money oriented because he doesn’t have to worry about paying the bills, because you are doing that for him. I’ve been working since I was 16 (now 52), I’d love to say ‘ahh well, I’ve done my time working since I’m going to do something I want to now’. But in reality we don’t get to do that, because otherwise we’d be homeless and hungry.

what strikes me is that he’s happy for you to do the ‘rat race’, but won’t do it himself. What would happen if you suddenly said ‘oh I’ve worked for x years, I’m off to learn yoga and look after my inner chai’

Gosh everyone on this thread is being very calm. This man has been exploiting a woman emotionally and financially for YEARS.

he’s horrific. I’d leave today, block him and send a friend for my stuff, he’s taken SO much from you OP, I’m so sorry this has happened

Also, where’s your sympathy for you - for the last 13 years. Be kind to yourself

Sorry to go back to this, but if he's paranoid enough to go to the GP because he thinks you're drugging his food (honestly OP, you needed to leave based on that alone) he is absolutely paranoid enough to track your car.
Particularly if he's at home all day.

OP, please don't falter in your determination, do you know I wonder if it isv worth your time telling him you are going, if he starts being emotional, will he be able to sway you and guilt you into staying? How about just not coming home from work one day. He seems very self obsessed would he notice you removing your belongings?

I think the op is handling this very well. Minimum drama and a clean, calm escape.

Please don’t go to your new place until
you’ve had your car and phone checked for a tracker, he’s exactly the type of paranoid possessive man who would do this. You’d be surprised how common this actually is.

This bit worrried me. @TwinklingPotato please do keep yourself safe- could he be planning to accuse you of crimes against him, or to tamper with YOUR food, or could he be schizophrenic? I am inclined to suggest that you get your important documents somewhere safe as soon as possible, and if you have any joint money, secure as much of it and all of your own asap too.
Then agree that you should sort your new place, move your own possessions when he’s out if that’s possible, and then break up with him in a public place or by letter.

Read just your own posts back every time you feel wobbly. What would you say to a colleague or friend who told you this? Look at the way you said he speaks to you! You are his bank account that's all. On June 1st, go to work and don't go back.

@OP It may be worth talking to HR, explaining that you are leaving a coercive controlling relationship and that you need a couple of days of going to your workplace to sit in an empty office and make phonecalls, use a computer. Ditto on moving house day. Get a new mobile, put friends on it, leave the old one in your office. I bet your friends will be delighted to see you back in the world.
I think he could get aggressive.

This is such an excellent suggestion. Is there a car you could use at work and leave your own car where it's supposed to be?

To all of you, thank you.

To address a few points:

• I work in a standalone business, and they can switch my payment details quite swiftly. I am going to leave it to pay into the joint account this month (we get paid tomorrow). I will have paid the first months' rent and the deposit today, so I have until the June pay day to sort things.
• I can use the works van for transporting things like furniture if I need to, and I'll get my car checked when it goes in for a service. My location on my phone is off, it's an android and has a manual tracker search, which shows there are none (I don't think he could or would install a physical tracker, but I will check).
• I don't feel scared of him. I feel scared of my reaction because I know he will use his emotions, he will use his mental health, his physical health, and his dependence to try and get me to stay. I need to be strong to recognise that. I think this time I will see it, my eyes are open.
• All I have at home are clothes, really, and a few trinkets. I can say that I'm taking some to a charity shop after work.
• I did not mean to cause any offence by mentioning Stockholm Syndrome.
• @Elasticatedtrousers you have given me hope that it will be ok. I know he will be in a new relationship within a few months. I don't think he's ever been single. When I first met him (I didn't know this), he was only a matter of weeks out of his previous relationship (he is still in touch regularly with her).
• He is still complaining of stomach issues and now thinks it might be something to do with a medication. I am in no doubt though that in his future life he will tell his partner that he is wary of what people put in his food - he told me his first long-term ex used to (she was also a pathological liar, of course).
• I don't feel calm inside! I'm terrified!

I really appreciate all of the supportive comments and advice, it feels so much better having the back up, knowing that I'm not imagining things.
I'm not, am I?

My goodness, your posts describing his appalling behaviour have chilled me to the bone. Don’t waste time feeling sorry for him because he hasn’t spent any time bothering about you - only what you can do for him.
In a year’s time you’ll be clapping your hands that you got out and are free finally to live an enjoyable life without this evil, coercive man. I really don’t know the ins and outs, but isn’t his behaviour criminal these days?