Help me figure out how to tell him

[TwinklingPotato]

Hello!

Let me preface this by saying I'm fairly sure I have Stockholm Syndrome, at least on a lower level. My friend showed me some stuff on it and yep, it makes sense..

I have been with my partner almost 13 years. We are unmarried, no children. He owns our home outright (inherited).

I moved in quickly, after a few months. I'd lived with him around 6 months, living off of my savings and his. We had fun, we laughed, it was new and exciting. He then said he didn't feel I was bringing enough to the table, that I should get a job, which I did. I have worked ever since (albeit in various positions climbing a ladder I didn't even realise I was on!). I now earn a good wage for my career.

He is (was) self employed. He stopped working with any regularity within a year of me moving in. The work dried up to some extent, he stopped looking, too. He said he would do the house up (it was very old fashioned!).

For the last three years, he's submitted a zero tax return, before that, he earned less than £2k per year (and that was largely the Covid payments he got, which shows how little he earned before that). I have paid 100% of the bills, food, gifts, all and any purchases for a decade.

He's done the bathroom (not 100% there but more or less), and 70% of the living room. He's also created two spaces for himself in two of the 3 bedrooms. One is a workshop, the other is a room for his hobby.

He is now working on his hobby, because he can, and because I have indulged him. He hopes it will make him some money (it's creative). Since 202 it hasn't, but it has cost (me) a lot in equipment, subscriptions, and software.

He sees no need to get any kind of paid employment. Because if he did, that would mean he would spend the weekends working on the house because he'd be out working all week, and then there would be no point being in a relationship.

Lots of this has come to a head for me recently, and I am really resenting it. I really don't enjoy my current position and would like to leave. doing so would mean a pay cut and he's not a fan of that. He'd rather I was unhappy because it supports us both really well.

I have been looking at houses to rent and have found one, and I really want to go for it.

However, I am racked with guilt and uncertainty.

• Is it better to stay where I am, and keep paying for everything for us both, but not have to worry about paying rent. Though I can't decorate or hang pictures etc., it's very much his house.
• I'm worried about him and how he will survive. He's in his 50s, so my sane mind knows he'll be ok and that he's not my responsibility, but my attached mind is concerned and putting him before me.
• I've sacrificed marriage and having children to sustain this relationship for this long. It started with promises that went nowhere, and now I am childless and in my 40s.
• If I don't praise him he gets angry, if I ask him to consider getting a job, he says that would mean the end of the relationship.

I know the right thing to do is go, I just don't know how to. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to hurt him or throw accusations at him. I've allowed the situation, too.

How should I word it, what shall I say? When? Should I wait until I have somewhere to go, or tell him before? Or should I stay?

Is his creative pursuits writing songs, putting them on Spotify or other streaming platforms and expecting them to be ‘discovered’? . I bet it is. I know a few people in their 50s who do that/ expect that and it’s completely delusional and egocentric. And they are completely obsessive about it. It will not happen, it really won’t no matter how good the song is. 60k + songs a day released on those platforms

@TwinklingPotato he doesn’t love you ! You are his cash machine. This is why the relationship would be over , you have to support him but he won’t support you!!
He is using you .

I wouldn’t be leaving with nothing .
Go seek legal advice . Today .
He has had a free ride for long enough . He need to work and buy you out .
He owes you not the other way around.
If you don’t care about your happiness, who will ?

Definitely get a rental. If you have the time and the patience move your stuff gradually and don't tell him until you walk out with the last suitcase so you have no need to go back to his house or see him again.

Brilliant update @TwinklingPotato . I'm not sure you need to apologise for the Stockholm syndrome comment. It's a well known phenomenon that it can occur in abusive relationships. Please don't give him the opportunity to try and guilt trip and manipulate you. He doesn't deserve it.

‘I am going to leave it to pay into the joint account this month (we get paid tomorrow)’

@TwinklingPotato you need to work on reframing your thinking. He’s conditioned you into thinking your wages are jointly his, even though you’re leaving you still phrased it as ‘we get paid’ instead of ‘I get paid’. Just want to highlight how strange this is, even when I wasn’t working and was reliant on my DH’s income (we operate on a very shared what’s mine is yours all money is our money set up) but I never would’ve referred to it as ‘our salary’ or that ‘we’ were getting paid.

He has clearly impacted your way of thinking in many ways and it will take time to understand and reset your brain. It would likely be very beneficial to explore some therapy (trauma based or EMDR especially) as you will need to unlearn this conditioning. If you can’t afford to do this privately it’s possible your work are signed up to an employee assistance program that offers free counselling.

You will no doubt feel a sense of grief when you leave, this comes with guilt, sadness, feelings of loss and most dangerously convincing yourself it wasn’t that bad or that you are in some way at fault. You might find it useful to write a list of all the bad things - all the times he belittled, took as advantage, was unkind etc. You can then read this in moments of weakness to help hold on to your resolve to stay away.

I know you said he’s never been violent but leaving a partner can be a very dangerous time. There was a woman on mumsnet last year who left her abusive partner, she left a letter after myself and others warned her of the potential danger of an in person conversation as well as fear she would take him back. She’d left once before and he was sulky and cross but not violent, he’d never hurt her physically but she took the precaution as she wasn’t 100% on his reaction or her resolve to stand up to him. A week after he left he went to her home ‘to talk’, she let him in, wanting to be amicable and allow ‘closure’. He beat her up, she was terrified and was lucky to get out without significant long term damage. I’m not saying that this is a forgone conclusion or that he will definitely become violent but just that you can’t know for sure. He’s unsuspecting and is about to have his housekeeper and only source of income taken away, it’s hard to predict how he will react. Please protect yourself, you need to focus on your own needs, not his. Leaving a letter is sufficient, unlike the poster from last year he won’t know your new address (she moved back into her own home she still lived in part time). If you feel you must speak in person then do so with another person waiting outside for you or at least on an open call so they can hear what’s being said.

You can do this, you owe him nothing, he has taken so much from you already. You are not responsible for him or his emotional wellbeing.

You are stronger than you know x

Just lost my long post ugh...
I think you should try leaving work early a few times, or go somewhere unusual on your way home & see if he makes comments.
You need to immediately, as in today, change your passwords, to any cloud, email, phone, any shared bank accounts, social media, mumsnet !
You need to get your important documents, (savings, life insurance, house deeds, pension, pay slips & other admin stuff), OUT of your home. asap, before they go missing, or are destroyed.
You need a new private bank account & any money that is yours in a joint account needs transferring into it as you leave.
You need to redirect your post.
He may start to sense a change of atmosphere & start digging.
Honestly you do not want him to know where you live.
Do not tell him. leaving is just that & you don't want him turning up looking for closure/explication/accusation/revenge.

You are effectively leaving him with no income to pay his bills.
My guess is he will try everything to make you stay & promise the moon & use all the tools in the box to convince you you are "wrong". Believe me, you are NOT.
He may well become violent when he sees you getting out of his grip

I am so exited for you, your life is about to improve significantly.

@TwinklingPotato the advice from @Mix56is spot on. You really need to vary your times and routes home for a few days to see if he does have any trackers on you. Check your bags and shoes. Changing all your passwords is a sensible move too, as long as you are sure the device you use to do it is clear with no keyloggers. His questions about where you went the day you went to the flat are suspicious. Maybe he has suspicions that you are changing and may be thinking of leaving. Good luck.

You should be delighted you are getting away from this leach. If he threatens suicide or self harm, ignore him, nothing to do with you it's a manipulation tactic.

As ever @Mix56 gives excellent advice. I really would try and have someone with you when you tell him, just to give you that extra courage to keep walking out the door and just in case he gets unpleasant. You’re doing the right thing.

I'm excited for you op. I know it's a scary time but it must be exillerating too to know you're going to have a fresh start in a new place, all your own money and no leachy partner entow.

Good luck with your fresh start and new adventure!

All of this. Well done! We are all behind you!

Escape. Don't tell him until
You've gone if possible.

Thank you, all.

I woke up this morning feeling so sad, sad that I was leaving the person that's been in my life for 13 years, sad that the familiarity would be gone, that I won't see him again. Filled with regret for what I've done and knowing there's no going back..

I know it's normal to feel that way, and I do have to keep remembering WHY I felt I had to leave in the first place.

I am sure I will feel better come the next horrible comment, well, I'm sure I'll feel better before then. I am looking forward to it, I just wish he could have stayed the person he was when we met. But I guess that never really was the person he is..

It doesn't automatically have to mean the end of the relationship does it? You could explain you need space, but will still keep in touch? Or do you think he will definitely see it as the end?

“I just wish he could have stayed the person he was when we met. But I guess that never really was the person he is..”

He was either faking being a great man at the beginning to reel you in….Or over the years he has changed beyond all recognition. Either way he is not that man today. The man you loved no longer exists. You are sad for losing the man you hoped he was, grieving the life you imagined for the future.

Re-read all your own posts on this thread if you are ever having a wobble. Let all his bad behaviour and treatment of you sink in again.

Look - if it turns out that you are making a mistake (I really don’t think you are!) but if in a few months time he is begging for you to take him back, he is working really hard to improve his situation and his behaviour, he is remorseful and apologises for the past, you are confident that this has been a wake-up call and his is going to treat you better in the future……….. then there is no reason why you cannot begin to date again. But I would highly recommend you keep your living arrangements and your finances separate. If he truly does love you and wants to be with you, then he will be happy to be a couple, whilst keeping finances and homes separate. That would prove that he genuinely loves you and is not just with you to pay all the bills and to do his housekeeping.

However I suspect that once you are free and in your own little lovely home - you will love the independence, only having to look after yourself, having that paycheque to yourself! I think you will really understand your self worth and what you deserve, once you are settled in your new home.

Have you read all of the OPs posts? About how controlling this man actually is? There's no way she should stay in any type of relationship with this man!

From what you’ve described wrt his relationship with his parents, the man he is now is who he truely is. But likely aware enough that it’s not acceptable in society. So he has revealed himself only when he’s confident he has you hooked enough to not leave in protest. He has done that through a myriad of practices which you’ve listed. This is why what you’re doing now is so brave. It would have been easier in the very beginning, when you weren’t entrenched. But you’d be making that break without awareness of how bad it could get down the line. Now you have the wisdom, but the difficulty of extricating yourself. Be in no doubt that you’re making a break for freedom.

I don't think we would be able to stay in a relationship, I think he would still expect me to fund things and support him in some way, and I actually don't think I want to be answerable to him, or anyone, anymore, ether..

I know he will be ok, eventually. I know he will bounce back, he might hurt for a while, but so will I. I think we're both hurting now, I sometimes feel like he's trying to push me away, to get me to leave, that's why sometimes he's just so horrible to me. I have, in arguments, been horrible back sometimes, too. The last few months though I've tried to bite my tongue, we haven't fought or shouted like we have done in the past, he's gotten loud, and I've just agreed with whatever it is that's upsetting him. I feel like I've stopped caring to some degree. Then when I think of actually walking out of the door for the last time I get so upset and sad about it.

why is what's right never easy?

I don't think we would be able to stay in a relationship, I think he would still expect me to fund things and support him in some way, and I actually don't think I want to be answerable to him, or anyone, anymore, ether..

Absolutely do not have a relationship with him, friends or not. You don't have children, you aren't married, you don't own a house together. You have possibly 40 years left of your life. You have wasted 13 years on him, but don't waste the next 40. He's not your problem.

Or he could just be treating you badly because he can get away with it.

Anyway you're leaving. Onto better things.

I'm in awe of you.

Don't be silly.

Of course all big changes are scary, Should you move out? Absolutely. But it's inevitably daunting. You will build yourself back up fast. You will be able to go out, & not have an inquisition. You won't have to keep your mouth shut & become a shadow of yourself to keep from fighting.
Life can still offer all sorts of surprises. Please start doing things for yourself, buy yourself a bunch of flowers to put in the sun on the window sill. Go to the hair dresser & get a good cut, do your nails, buy a few classic garments for a killer capsule wardrobe.
Ditch the old shoes & saggy overworn tops. Buy some lovely new bed linen.
Look at the local fb page & see if there are any clubs you can join, anything you have always thought you might do, but never were able to. Pottery, Painting, Bridge, Dog walking, Book club, Local pub quiz night.... the list is endless.
Your life is about to kick start into action without that abusive blood sucker

So he’s basically accusing you of poisoning him and living off your back. Sounds like a very very sick relationship. He might be schizophrenic thinking your tainting his food. He actually had blood work done. I’d be out of there as fast as your feet can take you. That’s not normal.

Can relate in some ways but honestly he will be fine he will find someone else to meet all his many needs, and you will be sad for a while but once you get your feet back under you and carve out your little sanctuary in your new home, start to discover who you are and want to be again, you will fly 💗💗

This time in a year or so, you'll look back and wonder how on earth you ever felt sad about leaving!

Will he spend / take the months’ wages out of the account so you can’t access it? He’s suddenly going to need to find money to live off and may panic / be cross with you and take it convincing himself he’s owed it.