Help me figure out how to tell him

[TwinklingPotato]

Hello!

Let me preface this by saying I'm fairly sure I have Stockholm Syndrome, at least on a lower level. My friend showed me some stuff on it and yep, it makes sense..

I have been with my partner almost 13 years. We are unmarried, no children. He owns our home outright (inherited).

I moved in quickly, after a few months. I'd lived with him around 6 months, living off of my savings and his. We had fun, we laughed, it was new and exciting. He then said he didn't feel I was bringing enough to the table, that I should get a job, which I did. I have worked ever since (albeit in various positions climbing a ladder I didn't even realise I was on!). I now earn a good wage for my career.

He is (was) self employed. He stopped working with any regularity within a year of me moving in. The work dried up to some extent, he stopped looking, too. He said he would do the house up (it was very old fashioned!).

For the last three years, he's submitted a zero tax return, before that, he earned less than £2k per year (and that was largely the Covid payments he got, which shows how little he earned before that). I have paid 100% of the bills, food, gifts, all and any purchases for a decade.

He's done the bathroom (not 100% there but more or less), and 70% of the living room. He's also created two spaces for himself in two of the 3 bedrooms. One is a workshop, the other is a room for his hobby.

He is now working on his hobby, because he can, and because I have indulged him. He hopes it will make him some money (it's creative). Since 202 it hasn't, but it has cost (me) a lot in equipment, subscriptions, and software.

He sees no need to get any kind of paid employment. Because if he did, that would mean he would spend the weekends working on the house because he'd be out working all week, and then there would be no point being in a relationship.

Lots of this has come to a head for me recently, and I am really resenting it. I really don't enjoy my current position and would like to leave. doing so would mean a pay cut and he's not a fan of that. He'd rather I was unhappy because it supports us both really well.

I have been looking at houses to rent and have found one, and I really want to go for it.

However, I am racked with guilt and uncertainty.

• Is it better to stay where I am, and keep paying for everything for us both, but not have to worry about paying rent. Though I can't decorate or hang pictures etc., it's very much his house.
• I'm worried about him and how he will survive. He's in his 50s, so my sane mind knows he'll be ok and that he's not my responsibility, but my attached mind is concerned and putting him before me.
• I've sacrificed marriage and having children to sustain this relationship for this long. It started with promises that went nowhere, and now I am childless and in my 40s.
• If I don't praise him he gets angry, if I ask him to consider getting a job, he says that would mean the end of the relationship.

I know the right thing to do is go, I just don't know how to. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to hurt him or throw accusations at him. I've allowed the situation, too.

How should I word it, what shall I say? When? Should I wait until I have somewhere to go, or tell him before? Or should I stay?

Please don’t doubt yourself OP. His behaviour towards you is extremely controlling and sinister. There is absolutely no way of knowing how he will react when you leave, but it could be terrible and something you would never expect. I would definitely alert the police before you leave, they could arrange to have someone parked around the corner when you tell him, just in case. A friend of mine did that and they were brilliant and kept her safe.

Please take a friend, family member or police officer with you when you tell him you’re leaving. You are his mela ticket and honestly, from everything you’ve said about him, I don’t believe he’ll take it well.

you need to keep yourself safe.

search all of your electronics and your car for a tracker.
Call the police and tell them you’ve left an emotionally abusive relationship so that if anything happens, you’re a priority call.

whether you realise it or not, you are in an abusive relationship and I’m so proud of you for taking the leap to leave your abuser.

don’t say anything if you don’t want to. just leave

If he doesn't become abusive when you leave chances are he will emotionally break down, possibly threaten to end it all, you need to prepare yourself for this op, because from what I have read this is the exact scenario in which your more likely to stay and he knows you a damn sight better than I do, you need to realise it's the money / maid / PA he will be wanting to stay not necessarily TwinklingPotato.

@TwinklingPotato I am worried about your safety. You are definitely right to leave. Paranoid people like him are prone to tracking and stalking partners and exes. I think he knows your whereabouts. If you want to check, go somewhere you wouldn't normally go with a plausible reason and see if he asks you again. Do not tell him you are leaving until AFTER you have left. Just one small point - there is usually a cut off with changing your bank account for wages - it might not work for you to do it on the day.

Or just controlling.

And it's part of the 'prove your goodness/innocence' cycle.

he can be so lovely, he helps me do things, but there is pay back.

but here’s the thing. He is doing the bare minimum to keep you around- you are his meal ticket. Don’t believe he is being nice because he wants to be. If he really respected & wanted you to stay he would have got a job, supported you and being a partner who has your back. Right now he is a man child who is working the system.

best to assume you are being tracked on your mobile at least. Turn off location services when going to the new place otherwise he will know where you are.

Coercive control and emotional manipulation 😔

You're all so lovely.

I hate feeling wobbly, especially when the real me actually feels so resolute.

He's just told me "I worked for someone else for 20 years, I want to spend the next 20 years on my music and creativity", this was in response to a friend asking to chat with him about a business idea and me saying "I wonder what it is, I'm intrigued". It's just proof he has no intention of actively seeking an income. He said he's not money oriented, and that we've got things right because I leave work at 3:30 (I start at 7:30!) and can park in the city centre for free.

It leaves me a bit cold to be honest.

I hope he makes it with his creativity and becomes rich from it. But I know even if I stayed and he did, I wouldn't be allowed to spend it.

Paying the deposit and first month's rent tomorrow. It's real now, and I'm terrified!

You’ve got this @TwinklingPotato you can do it, yes scary and yes terrifying but a future that you control and decorate and have peace in is worth it!

His most recent comment shows you are 100% making the right decision. He has no intention getting a job for the next 20 years because he thinks you will do all the hard graft and pay for everything for the next 20 years 🤬……. in his free house that he inherited. You know full well that he will never make money from “his music and creativity”.

I’m picturing Ross from friends playing his keyboard!

Bloody hell. He is in for quite the surprise when he realises you're not going to be finding him anymore.

I mean I get that in couples, people earn varying amounts and it's teamwork etc. But this is you doing all the work, op.

Don't wobble. Don't let him persuade you or bully you when the time comes and you tell him.

I've followed but not posted. You are totally doing the right thing @TwinklingPotato . You were funding him and a home that he could have kicked you out of tomorrow. However hard things are now, imagine being 30 years down the line and being in such a position because Mr Creativity wants to sell up and you are more surplus to requirements than you are now. He is an entirely selfish man.

Wishing you strength and happiness.

Thank you all so much. I am taking so much strength from all of your replies.

I wish I could silence the part of me that feels sorry for him, that feels sad thinking of him alone

Excited for you OP and I’m impressed with how you are overcoming your doubts.

You can phone his mother, or someone else, when you leave to tell them that you’ve left and that they should keep an eye on him. I doubt there’s a person who knows you who will be surprised by your decision, including his family. But once you’ve done that last thing, go no contact for a while.

When you leave, his needs, wants, moods and issues are no longer your concern at all. Just as yours have never been a concern to him throughout your relationship.

When you feel sorry for him, just remind yourself that all he ever had to do was love you and treat you as an equal and with respect. That’s the bare minimum.

Yes, you deserve to be kind to yourself now. This will be better, don’t fall for his crap.

If he’s difficult (not threatening) say you’ve seen a lawyer about going after your part of the house - that will see him off quick smart.

You'll have to live with that for a while, I'm afraid. It's years of programming that needs to be undone. The first step is just to notice when it shows up and tolerate it. You will get there though, in time. You're doing so well.

Instead of trying to silence that part of you, what if you allowed it and also did what was right for you?
We can hold contradictory feelings and beliefs, and allow them space, without having to act on all of them all the time.

So as uncomfortable as it is, allow those feelings but also continue with your plan.

Sometimes by allowing and giving space to feelings we don't want, they dissolve easier then trying to squash them down or get rid of them.

Also...he will be sad. But you are sad now. And he is not worried about your sadness. So why should you worry about his? You wont be rewarded for sacrificing your own happiness for someone else's. You'll just end up feeling miserable and full of regrets.

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Please don't doubt yourself any more.

When you tell him op you are leaving - along with your wage packet - please remind him, that he is not ‘money’ orientated !!!!!

You don't have Stockholm Syndrome and to say that you do is an insult to people who actually do.

When you are settled in your new place it might be worth some counselling to help you deal with the sadness of breaking up but, more importantly, help you understand why you have accepted such a low relationship bar for so long and how that conditions/ trains your brain to accept the unacceptable. It will take quite some time to unlearn and break the weird cycles he had you trapped in. You sound like a really lovely, kind, empathetic and giving person, you deserve the world.

I wish I could silence the part of me that feels sorry for him, that feels sad thinking of him alone

he is alone as that is his choice. He could throw you out the house any day but hasn’t as you are bank rolling him. Just remember you deserve better than this. This is your reason for leaving if he asks why.

@TwinklingPotato I would suggest that tomorrow you make it a priority to speak to your employer's HR department and also the accounts department, and give them your new bank account details . If you get paid at the end of the month, then there should still be time for them to change their records and pay the money into your sole account. If they get awkward, contact the Finance Director and tell them exactly why you have asked, and that it is urgent. Hopefully they can pull strings that an admin person can't.