Help me figure out how to tell him

[TwinklingPotato]

Hello!

Let me preface this by saying I'm fairly sure I have Stockholm Syndrome, at least on a lower level. My friend showed me some stuff on it and yep, it makes sense..

I have been with my partner almost 13 years. We are unmarried, no children. He owns our home outright (inherited).

I moved in quickly, after a few months. I'd lived with him around 6 months, living off of my savings and his. We had fun, we laughed, it was new and exciting. He then said he didn't feel I was bringing enough to the table, that I should get a job, which I did. I have worked ever since (albeit in various positions climbing a ladder I didn't even realise I was on!). I now earn a good wage for my career.

He is (was) self employed. He stopped working with any regularity within a year of me moving in. The work dried up to some extent, he stopped looking, too. He said he would do the house up (it was very old fashioned!).

For the last three years, he's submitted a zero tax return, before that, he earned less than £2k per year (and that was largely the Covid payments he got, which shows how little he earned before that). I have paid 100% of the bills, food, gifts, all and any purchases for a decade.

He's done the bathroom (not 100% there but more or less), and 70% of the living room. He's also created two spaces for himself in two of the 3 bedrooms. One is a workshop, the other is a room for his hobby.

He is now working on his hobby, because he can, and because I have indulged him. He hopes it will make him some money (it's creative). Since 202 it hasn't, but it has cost (me) a lot in equipment, subscriptions, and software.

He sees no need to get any kind of paid employment. Because if he did, that would mean he would spend the weekends working on the house because he'd be out working all week, and then there would be no point being in a relationship.

Lots of this has come to a head for me recently, and I am really resenting it. I really don't enjoy my current position and would like to leave. doing so would mean a pay cut and he's not a fan of that. He'd rather I was unhappy because it supports us both really well.

I have been looking at houses to rent and have found one, and I really want to go for it.

However, I am racked with guilt and uncertainty.

• Is it better to stay where I am, and keep paying for everything for us both, but not have to worry about paying rent. Though I can't decorate or hang pictures etc., it's very much his house.
• I'm worried about him and how he will survive. He's in his 50s, so my sane mind knows he'll be ok and that he's not my responsibility, but my attached mind is concerned and putting him before me.
• I've sacrificed marriage and having children to sustain this relationship for this long. It started with promises that went nowhere, and now I am childless and in my 40s.
• If I don't praise him he gets angry, if I ask him to consider getting a job, he says that would mean the end of the relationship.

I know the right thing to do is go, I just don't know how to. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to hurt him or throw accusations at him. I've allowed the situation, too.

How should I word it, what shall I say? When? Should I wait until I have somewhere to go, or tell him before? Or should I stay?

Are your finances ok OP, becuase you maybe able to get a 100 percent mortgage.
I would check it out. You might find you can get your own place and stability.

You need to leave, if u honestly can't/don't have the nerve to tell him, write a letter, write down all the good things that u genuinely got from the relationship but that you aren't in that place anymore and haven't been happy for a long time. Leave the keys with the letter and wish him all the best. Guaranteed you'll get a phone call txt but don't even tell him where you've gone. People probably think it's the cowards way out but if its the only way I can do it just do it. But as someone mentioned before, get your ducks in a row first before leaving.

I used to do all of the cooking, too. that stopped earlier in the year as he thought I was potentially doing something to his food to make him ill. He even went to the GP for a stool sample and blood test

What? So he thought you were trying to poison him or he thought you were inadvertently putting something ( allergen or something ) in his food that he thought was making him ill

If he has not been working
I assume that he has not been saving for his retirement
So no national insurance contributions for his state pension & other benefits
So no contributions towards a private pension

No holidays ?

No money for treats ?

You need to put yourself first & leave

Protect yourself & your future

You want to be kind to someone accusing you of poisoning him?

ffs get out and cut all ties

you can do it without a fuss

leave, tell him once you’ve moved your stuff out you need a break, then once you’ve gone tell him it’s permanent- if you think it’s kinder to tell him in stages

but this is not normal behaviour from him

Or he realised most people being treated like this would poison him 😂

He effectively accused you of poisoning him and you are still there???? Why, honestly that’s awful, sort a rental and leave. You’re young enough to do what you want still. Good luck.

You need to leave, he is insane.

Another saying get the rental, take your things, go as soon as you can. Take a reasonable proportion of furniture and household items you have bought and also make sure you have redirected your post to the new place.

OP, I know you are feeling maybe disloyal or something by leaving. Try to focus on yourself and your future happiness and peace of mind. Remember the old saying "Don't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm" Think on that.

We are all responsible for our own happiness and only a fool would continue to live in circumstances that do not produce calm, happiness and contentment (most of the time!). Some people cannot leave for various reasons. You can, so try to think selfishly about yourself for a change.

I'd suggest, that leaving quietly, doing the planning, and leave a note/letter as others suggested is the best way out. Block all your numbers and change your email/social media etc. Do not tell him where you are going. Men like that can follow you around and plead, and make you feel guilty. Don't. He doesn't.

Anyway, anyone who thinks their partner is trying to harm them (food), is two sandwiches short of a picnic, and there's no point in trying to talk rational to someone like that. Best of luck and I hope you will be happy with your decision.

Be very, very careful when leaving. Accusing you of poisoning him is not something that a mentally stable person would do. Have you ever heard the saying "every accusation is a confession"?

I am sorry you are in this position . I think you have already devoted too many years to this relationship and you have lost out on children , marriage , your own home .
It does seem that he is emotionally & financially dependent on you . But he has also been emotionally manipulative towards you . Understandably you still have feelings for him and do not want to hurt him .

But you now need to put your own needs first and plan for your own future without him . You are still young and have so much more left of life and you like everyone deserve to be happy . It will be difficult being on your own and perhaps a bit lonely at first, but you will at long last have your independence and the chance to make decisions about what you want .
I think you need to be honest with yourself about what the relationship has meant to you . Even something as crude as pros and cons . From what you say the cons far outweigh the pros . You will no doubt feel some guilt as you are the one that will be ending the relationship . But you are doing so because of how your DP has treated you .
As others have said you have to take all the steps ready to move and get everything ready to go and set up before telling him . If you can, I would try and leave when he is out if he goes out . You could start getting ready and store your important things elsewhere and sort out other things as much as you can without alerting him to your intentions . I would as also leave a letter and do not give him your new address . If you feel up to it , you could arrange a suitable time to have a one off tel call to speak to him , but put all protections in place , if you change nos - check how you can hide this . Limit it to half an hour and say you will terminate the call if needs be .
He will be angry and upset as his gravy train is stopping but you have to put your feelings at the forefront . Whilst your relationship will no doubt have had some happy times / supportive times this is no longer the case .

You also mentioned a previous violent relationship and it could be that you entered into this relationship ignoring red flags because these were different ones to those you had known previously . I think you may benefit from the freedom programme , which is free and available online . You may not be even thinking about another relationship even ever, but this will hopefully highlight what you deserve and even show clearly some of the red flags in your previous relationships , if applicable .
If you can afford I think it would also be helpful for you to get some counselling . Check if your Employers have an Employee Assistance Programme . Good luck

What did I just read? He accused you of attempting to poison him? You need to leave. You really do, and the sooner the better.

As pp's say, find somewhere to rent first. While you are looking, do you have a close friend or family member, or even somewhere at work to store things? You could tell him you are having a massive declutter. Things like all your winter clothes, books and other personal possessions.You can then store it all somewhere while you wait for a rental property to come up. That way, you won't have much to actually take when you move out.

Thank you, all of you, so much, for your support and for not being judgemental.

I have spent too long in this relationship (some learned behaviour from childhood too I imagine), and yes, my previous relationship led me to grab at the niceness at the beginning of this one.

I have put a holding deposit on the rental. I have managed to save a few hundred pounds since the New Year which has paid that, money he doesn't know about.

I have one practical question: will the council write to him and tell him I'm on the Council Tax or electoral roll elsewhere?

Yes, I think I need to write everything down, I need to try and silence the emotionally attached me. It may not appear that I am a prisoner, but if I leave the house I "have" to text or send a photo when I get where I'm going. If I go out with friends or see my family without him, I get the silent treatment, so I have been conditioned to stay in and only go places with him. He hates leaving me in the house alone and very rarely goes out himself. I really have gotten myself into a pickle, I think if you look up the word Mug you'll see my picture next to it

I know it's a cycle and it will revert to telling me how much more important his job is, how being creative is so much harder than what I do

If his job was that important he would actually be able to earn money from it

No, they won't update your previous address of your new one, because if you were selling your house and moving, they can't send your data to the new owners. And you can apply to be on the closed register anyway, so even if he searched you, you wouldn't appear.

OP I'm so sorry you're in this position. I hope you work out the new house. Good luck

No the council won't contact him to tell him you are on council tax or the electoral roll elsewhere, because that would be against GDPR rules.

He sounds extremely controlling, he is practically holding you prisoner. I'm so sorry.

Whatever you do, don't tell him of your plans.

I’m done here should cover it.

Having seen your update I would suggest having people with you when you leave.
He is abusing you mentally and emotionally. He will also not take kindly to his meal ticket walking out the door.
The poisoning thing shows he's unhinged.
Do not share your new address. Block him on everything.

Thanks, that is a relief about the council tax etc., that was all of a sudden a real concern..

I won't tell him, until I am going.

Another thing I just remembered - I was nominated for an award in my profession two years running. First year we went, I didn't win but had a nice evening (he didn't), second year I bought a dress and paid for our tickets, then a week before he said there was no point going as I wouldn't win anyway (dressed it up as I was "too good" to win it but I read between the lines, he was being spiteful and jealous), so I'd have to go alone. I had no one else who could come (also lost touch with all of my old friends since we met, no social media etc*), so we didn't go..

*No social media for 11 years because all people do on there is cheat and flirt. He has social media, that's different though, apparently. I do no have an instagram account for my hobby, which he ignores/takes the piss out of depending how he is feeling.

Fully agree with @S0j0urn4r- before you go, do some research on the practicalities of leaving an abusive relationship, particularly in terms of your immediate & future safety.
I’ve seen a tip here where Police are made aware of when an abused woman is leaving the family home, in case of trouble - this could be reassuring for you.

Also of regaining control over your own bank account(s) & any other assets. Does he have access to your internet banking?
Is your card on his phone / Applepay etc?
Im assuming you have banking etc in your name, but do you have any that is help jointly? If so you need to move assets to protect them?

Best wishes, you’re absolutely going to be doing the right thing 🌺

No, don't tell him "as you are going", he might just imprison you in the attic! Sorry for being lighthearted, but some form of reaction, and not a good one might happen as you tell him. So don't would be my advice. Leave quietly and have your goods collected later, only bring the essentials and valuables on the day you go. Easy exit with a wheely suitcase and an Uber ordered or something. Go when he is in the shower or asleep as you say he doesn't go out.

Sorry, to sound dramatic here, I don't mean to, but be ever so careful how you plan your exit. You only have to read some of the experiences here of women who try to leave, and it's a most dangerous time for them. So take note, and be very careful.

Rooting for you, and I hope you have a very happy life going forward.

He’s a very manipulative man.

Make sure you are safe and have your important possessions at your new house before you tell him.

From what you’ve said, I wouldn’t let him know your new address.

You will be so much better off and have peace of mind without him.

Good luck, you deserve it 💐

The more you update, the more unpleasant he sounds op. Go quickly and quietly, and don’t tell him until you have gone - he sounds like he could get nasty when he realises the person who makes his life easy has had enough. I wish you a very happy new life, living it as you want.