Help me figure out how to tell him

[TwinklingPotato]

Hello!

Let me preface this by saying I'm fairly sure I have Stockholm Syndrome, at least on a lower level. My friend showed me some stuff on it and yep, it makes sense..

I have been with my partner almost 13 years. We are unmarried, no children. He owns our home outright (inherited).

I moved in quickly, after a few months. I'd lived with him around 6 months, living off of my savings and his. We had fun, we laughed, it was new and exciting. He then said he didn't feel I was bringing enough to the table, that I should get a job, which I did. I have worked ever since (albeit in various positions climbing a ladder I didn't even realise I was on!). I now earn a good wage for my career.

He is (was) self employed. He stopped working with any regularity within a year of me moving in. The work dried up to some extent, he stopped looking, too. He said he would do the house up (it was very old fashioned!).

For the last three years, he's submitted a zero tax return, before that, he earned less than £2k per year (and that was largely the Covid payments he got, which shows how little he earned before that). I have paid 100% of the bills, food, gifts, all and any purchases for a decade.

He's done the bathroom (not 100% there but more or less), and 70% of the living room. He's also created two spaces for himself in two of the 3 bedrooms. One is a workshop, the other is a room for his hobby.

He is now working on his hobby, because he can, and because I have indulged him. He hopes it will make him some money (it's creative). Since 202 it hasn't, but it has cost (me) a lot in equipment, subscriptions, and software.

He sees no need to get any kind of paid employment. Because if he did, that would mean he would spend the weekends working on the house because he'd be out working all week, and then there would be no point being in a relationship.

Lots of this has come to a head for me recently, and I am really resenting it. I really don't enjoy my current position and would like to leave. doing so would mean a pay cut and he's not a fan of that. He'd rather I was unhappy because it supports us both really well.

I have been looking at houses to rent and have found one, and I really want to go for it.

However, I am racked with guilt and uncertainty.

• Is it better to stay where I am, and keep paying for everything for us both, but not have to worry about paying rent. Though I can't decorate or hang pictures etc., it's very much his house.
• I'm worried about him and how he will survive. He's in his 50s, so my sane mind knows he'll be ok and that he's not my responsibility, but my attached mind is concerned and putting him before me.
• I've sacrificed marriage and having children to sustain this relationship for this long. It started with promises that went nowhere, and now I am childless and in my 40s.
• If I don't praise him he gets angry, if I ask him to consider getting a job, he says that would mean the end of the relationship.

I know the right thing to do is go, I just don't know how to. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to hurt him or throw accusations at him. I've allowed the situation, too.

How should I word it, what shall I say? When? Should I wait until I have somewhere to go, or tell him before? Or should I stay?

he is taking total advantage of you in every way possible. You owe him nothing. I would get somewhere rented and sorted, then I’d just pack my stuff when he was out one day and disappear. I think it’s possible he could be intimidating if he loses his meal ticket. Block him everywhere and turn off location services on your phone.
spend your hard earned money on a lovely life and never look back.
if you go back after you leave, he will make your life hell x

OP you should see a solicitor because you are probably entitled to up to 50% of the value of his house - which he may have to sell to pay you if he has no money. You seem to have supported him mostly for about 12 years so he owes you financially big time. You have wasted your best years with him. Claim against him.

Oh my, just read this. I’m so glad you are leaving - he’s an absolute wrong un in so many ways.

It made me really sad for you. Don’t give him a second thought or any more chances. Just leave. I’m sure women’s aid would give you advice because he is a classic manipulative, controlling, emotional abuser.

Good luck. Happier days are ahead.

I would urge caution on a new bank account and putting your salary in it before you leave. If you can do it the same day, before he knows, that would be best. Honestly, the more you post, the more dangerous he sounds. Don't antagonise him, don't tell him that you are going until you have gone. You are going to have to be a consummate actress until then. If he gets any hint you might leave there are a number of things he might do.

1. Love bomb you because he wants to keep his easy life
2. Gaslight you and make you feel crazy.
3. Play the mental health card in an attempt to keep you from going.
4. Become even more controlling and believe me, he's already really controlling. But he might stop you from leaving the house or put a tracker on your car/clothes.
5. Become violent.

Please be very careful. Good luck

Absolutely spot on !
Get the house, get it set up then tell him you are about to live your own life. Perhaps don't tell him where the house is.
This parasite of a man has taken enough from you ,he is his own number one priority and it sounds like you are well low down on his list .
The fact he has no income is not your problem, please grab this chance of a fresh new start and all the possibilities it may hold for you , i am sending you so many good wishes , i think its really exciting to think of someone out there about to embark on a new start ,a new adventure after being treated so badly.

Ugh, you really need to get free of this manipulative, selfish, greedy arse.

Don't forget to cancel any subscriptions, too - he would happily have you paying for everything long after you've gone.

I wouldn't tell him until I had somewhere I could move to. I wouldn't tell him until the day I was leaving.

In the meantime I'd keep any important things with a friend or at work. I'd be siphoning clothes etc out of the house, too, to make it easier to get up and go. If there's anything you've paid for eg lamps, kitchen things, then make sure you take them with you.

He's been using you for years. Time for that to stop.

He is lazy and he is really weird. Ughhhh. Get the rental sorted quietly, and then move into it when he’s gone out for a few hours.

I’d then tell him face to face, but I’d ask a couple of friends to wait for me outside just in case he became difficult. This strategy is also useful because you can say, “I must go now because Sarah and John are waiting in the car for me”. You can then wish him well and set goodbye.

Your wages are paid into a joint account!!??!! Bloody hell woman. That's scary. No wonder he thinks it's all his money.
Really get that stopped and make sure your payroll know why is is vastly important that this is changed. If it is payed into that account by mistake make sure you have another account to get it out again the same day.

You’ve said you’re not scared of him OP, but each of your updates are more worrying. He’s incredibly controlling and possessive, he won’t react well to his meal ticket up and leaving and is likely to want to stop you. That could take a violent turn, please do not tell him anything until you’re already gone, make sure he can’t find out your new address. He sounds exactly the type who would harass you, or worse. He may follow you to your new place if you give him the heads up, please put your safety first.

Another voice cheering you on @TwinklingPotato 🙌He sounds very unpleasant. Agree with other posters; get your new place sorted, open a new bank account and switch your payroll and your personal outgoings to that and move out as soon as you can. I expect he will become very aggresive and / or sweet as soon as he realises his cash cow is leaving him and he will have to support himself financially.

hi OP, I’m basically posting to agree with previous advice

• don’t give him your new address
• dont tell him you are leaving - note or call after you are gone
• set up a new account and get your wage paid into it asap. Move your money from the ‘joint’ account as you leave and remove yourself from the account
• once you are free, consult a solicitor to see if you have any claim on the house given you must have financed improvements to it
• lastly, with regards to how to tell him, I don’t think I’d be able to avoid throwing his own words back at him - you don’t feel he is bringing enough to the table

You feel sad for the relationship you thought you had, but didn't. You probably also have some sunk cost fallacy going on here as well but nothing positive can emerge from this 'relationship'. you are remembering the 'good times' when it was nice but probably just a strategy from him to give you just enough to stay in the relationship.

Based on what you have said you need to change your phone number, bank details and just go. A note on the kitchen table is all that is required here.

Really sorry you are in this position.

You need to open up your own bank account like others have said BUT the bank may not agree to transfer your joint bank account into your partners name straight away as some banks need both parties to sign a form. If that's the case you MUST ask the bank to freeze the joint bank account as if you do not do this your other half could run up an overdraft as they are not earning and while your name is on the joint account you are jointly and severally liable for the debt - even though you did not spend the money. Freezing the account on the day you leave is the answer as he can't run up joint debt.

You also need to speak to a family lawyer when you can as you may be able to claim a beneficial interest in his property for around half the increase in value since you started paying for all the outgoings - that may give you enough for a deposit so you can get out of renting.

A lawyer can explain how to register that you have a beneficial interest in the property with the land registry. That notice will make it difficult for him to sell or mortgage the property do msg make him prepared to pay you off with something.

Finally, even if you think the decent thing is to tell him you are going face to face don't do so as it puts you at risk . Get out once you have your bank account set up and ideally your tenancy agreement signed.

That's his mentality. I live in his house, so he doesn't need to "bring" anything else. The thing is, the house was bought with inheritance. He hasn't worked to pay for it at all. He moved in 10 months before I moved in with him.
I pay all of the bills (100% of them, though they are all in his name) including council tax, I pay his phone, car, motorbike, NHS certificate, insurance, subscriptions, plus the gas, electric and water.

My salary has paid for all of the furniture, his "hobby" equipment, including a new MacBook Pro (with some money gifted to me by my grandma), countless other items at over £500 each. I buy all of the food, all of the treats, family gifts, heck, if he gets me a birthday or christmas gift that comes out of my salary, too! And to cap it all off, he's not even doing the house up.

I'm living in a place with nothing on the floor (just the floorboards that are the base layer), no working shower (there is a bath), an oven that was installed in the 80s and the front glass panel has fallen off, one working radiator, no wardrobe (just a chest of drawers), and I can't put pictures or trinkets up, it doesn't work with how he imagines the house is going to be, he doesn't want clutter.

Basically, I don't have a home right now, I just pay to keep someone else's house running.

yikes.

Dear Lord @TwinklingPotatothat is quite the cocklodger situation you’ve ended up in! I mean he owns the roof but you pay for him to stay in the house and generally exist. Get out asap. Once you are out cancel every single direct debit, do not give him your new address and block him on everything, I can safely say you owe him nothing. Please do this for yourself and enjoy the rest of your life putting up your pictures and enjoying your money in home with carpets and a fully functioning bathroom!

I take it you've never had anyone in your life to give you advice over the years? Or have you been keeping all this a secret from people.

Ah OP, once you get out and adjust to it all, you’re going to see how much better life will be. You’ll be the master of your own destiny, be able to have friends, run your own life and have fun without constantly being in fear of how he’ll react.

As for him, I guess he’ll have to get a job. Poor diddums.

I've gone along with his "we are so lucky, we are so successful, we have no stress, we have good income" facade for all of our relationship. I've wanted to believe it, I've wanted to believe that just around the corner was this magical place he always talked about, where he would "make it" and be recognised for the creative genius that he is.

Basically, I've been a mug.

@phoenixrisingup thank you so much, that's a wonderful message and I really appreciate it.

Thanks to each of you who has replied. I have read all of them.

I do have my own bank account, but I was convinced that the right, honest, and open thing was to be paid into a joint account so there was full transparency with what was coming in (with hindsight, I now read that as so that he can keep tabs on what I spend). He hates if I buy things for me, he always comments if I get a delivery of anything. It's my bloody money! I feel like I have to ask permission to spend it!

I'm going to speak with HR and let them know the situation, and yes, will get my salary account changed as soon as I leave.

I don't think I could leave him a note. My dad did that to my mum (I was 2, she was pregnant, he had been having an affair and decided one day he wasn't coming back). I know I don't owe him anything, but I owe it to myself to do what I think is the right thing, and I think that is just saying to him that it's not what I want anymore, I'm not getting anything from it..

I truly don't think he would be violent. He will either get cross and shout at me to get out right now, or he will cry, tell me he loves me, etc. He always says it's good we're not married because it means neither one of us has to stay if we don't want to, that it'd just be handshakes and goodbyes. I don't believe that.

Referencing is all happening now for the house I've seen, this really could be it x

Make sure youve somewhere to go before you tell him that it's not working for you as it's totally one sided abd you are leaving. Or, if you think.he will be aggressive, leave him a note as you head off to your new place.

I left a man who had the same m.o. Sadly I have to co parent with him. You've acted in good faith but bit by bit been brainwashed into keeping a parasite.

The inheritance/savings in the beginning and bits of self employed work had you believing he had a viable income. He dropped that off once you were together and 'in love'. And then he gradually drained you.

You will feel responsible because he's put every effort into convincing you that you are. That this whole set up is somehow equal..I was the same initially. After I kicked him out I started to see what had happened and felt utterly furious. Out of curiosity...does he leech off anyone else? His mother for example? Any other family members?

It helped me To name it as parasitical and manipulative. I cannot stand my ex now, he hasn't changed one bit and I felt used and repulsed afterwards.

Anyway. I'm so so so pleased you can move out cleanly. You are going to feel so much freedom and happiness once you do xx

@supercali77 Thank you, I'm sorry you went through the same thing and sorry you have to co-parent with him.

Though I very much regret not having a family, I am pleased I didn't have one with him. I've consider maybe adopting, when I'm settled and know myself better as an individual.

Funny you say that. Before he was given inheritance (early), he lived in an annexe at his parents' house. From what I can tell, his bills were covered and he just had to buy food. At this pint he was earning £30k plus annually (back in the early noughties). If anything needs doing, that 'we' don't have the upfront funds for, he asks to borrow from his parents, and says 'we' will pay them back. Last time he did this was a year ago, I told his mum then when I was having a low moment that it wouldn't be 'we' paying it back, but me. She wasn't surprised. She sees the pattern, she sees the house isn't being done up, she knows her son. I wish she had warned me in the early days, before I was too attached and still had a bit of spark to me.

I feel like I am going through the motions now, like another PP said, I have to be an actress now. I have spent the last 5 months being agreeable, not rocking the boat, building myself up to this moment, getting ready. Now I'm here, I'm getting cold feet and it makes me angry at myself because I know, KNOW, I'm doing what I need to do..

Before leaving see a solicitor, first consultation free.

If you are not married you are not automatically entitled to claim against the home. However, if you were paying all the bills and can prove this you are are definitely entitled to financial reparation.

I appreciate this might be the case, but I'd rather just make a clean break and move on, I don't want to go down any legal avenues, or feel responsible for him losing his home. Thank you for the advice, though x

Now I'm here, I'm getting cold feet and it makes me angry at myself because I know, KNOW, I'm doing what I need to do..

@TwinklingPotato - keep coming back here and the "nest of vipers" will warm your feet up enough so that you can march out of there with your head held high and right into a new life which you will be living for yourself, not him.