Help me figure out how to tell him

[TwinklingPotato]

Hello!

Let me preface this by saying I'm fairly sure I have Stockholm Syndrome, at least on a lower level. My friend showed me some stuff on it and yep, it makes sense..

I have been with my partner almost 13 years. We are unmarried, no children. He owns our home outright (inherited).

I moved in quickly, after a few months. I'd lived with him around 6 months, living off of my savings and his. We had fun, we laughed, it was new and exciting. He then said he didn't feel I was bringing enough to the table, that I should get a job, which I did. I have worked ever since (albeit in various positions climbing a ladder I didn't even realise I was on!). I now earn a good wage for my career.

He is (was) self employed. He stopped working with any regularity within a year of me moving in. The work dried up to some extent, he stopped looking, too. He said he would do the house up (it was very old fashioned!).

For the last three years, he's submitted a zero tax return, before that, he earned less than £2k per year (and that was largely the Covid payments he got, which shows how little he earned before that). I have paid 100% of the bills, food, gifts, all and any purchases for a decade.

He's done the bathroom (not 100% there but more or less), and 70% of the living room. He's also created two spaces for himself in two of the 3 bedrooms. One is a workshop, the other is a room for his hobby.

He is now working on his hobby, because he can, and because I have indulged him. He hopes it will make him some money (it's creative). Since 202 it hasn't, but it has cost (me) a lot in equipment, subscriptions, and software.

He sees no need to get any kind of paid employment. Because if he did, that would mean he would spend the weekends working on the house because he'd be out working all week, and then there would be no point being in a relationship.

Lots of this has come to a head for me recently, and I am really resenting it. I really don't enjoy my current position and would like to leave. doing so would mean a pay cut and he's not a fan of that. He'd rather I was unhappy because it supports us both really well.

I have been looking at houses to rent and have found one, and I really want to go for it.

However, I am racked with guilt and uncertainty.

• Is it better to stay where I am, and keep paying for everything for us both, but not have to worry about paying rent. Though I can't decorate or hang pictures etc., it's very much his house.
• I'm worried about him and how he will survive. He's in his 50s, so my sane mind knows he'll be ok and that he's not my responsibility, but my attached mind is concerned and putting him before me.
• I've sacrificed marriage and having children to sustain this relationship for this long. It started with promises that went nowhere, and now I am childless and in my 40s.
• If I don't praise him he gets angry, if I ask him to consider getting a job, he says that would mean the end of the relationship.

I know the right thing to do is go, I just don't know how to. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to hurt him or throw accusations at him. I've allowed the situation, too.

How should I word it, what shall I say? When? Should I wait until I have somewhere to go, or tell him before? Or should I stay?

He’s very controlling and you need to be careful when you leave. You’re his golden goose. How are your finances? Are they all in the one pot? Make sure you have them transferred into an account in your own name that he doesn’t have access to.

On the day you leave, sit down and cancel anything to do with where you live now - the internet, subscriptions for his hobby, Netflix, council tax, electricity, gas. He will manage. If anything it might give him the push he needs to get a job. You will need this money for yourself.

I wouldn’t tell him. I’d leave a note. It doesn’t sound like he is reasonable enough for a conversation that will impact on him so significantly.

He is incredibly controlling! Do not tell him 'as you are going '. Leave when he isn't there and leave a letter. Separate all finances, etc beforehand. Be careful if you get mail redirected as Royal Mail will send information with your new address on it. Contact them to say you are leaving an abusive relationship (because you are) and your new address should not be divulged. This man is settling off so many red flags!
Keep your plans strictly to yourself and make sure you are safe

Well, you've been a mug for 10 years paying for everything while he has a nice time doing what he wants. You have no claim on the property you've lived in for all these years. Why on earth you'd feel responsible for a grown man, I don't know. He's not 'emotionally vulnerable' he's lazy and selfish. You've taken on the role of rescuer to a lazy selfish man.

Get yourself a rental property and when you leave, tell him he's going to have to stand on his own two feet and fund his own lifestyle. If I were you, I'd reflect long and hard on why you've allowed someone to treat you like that, and make sure that it doesn't happen in any future relationship.

Leave and don't tell him until you are out. Ignore any suicide threats. Change your phone number. Thank god you don't have children or you'd be tied to him forever.

He thought you were doing something to his food to make him ill to the point he went for medical tests? Jesus girl run and run fast. Don't tell him just go and send a note saying you're done. Block all contact that's not via a 3rd party so you cant get sucked back in and remember you will be the villian in his story but you know the truth.

Can I suggest you read back the posts you have written - not just the sound advice but actually read your own words.
You have the answer. Your no ones fool.
Good luck x

He sounds awful. What sort of deluded person says his "job" (hobby) is more important than your actual paid job that keeps the whole household afloat?!

You know what you need to do - get your new place set up and then go and I'd honestly break up via a phone call. He will make you feel guilty, play the victim, try to insist that he has "given you everything". Please do anticipate now that he will do all those things so you're ready for it but remember they won't be true, they're his lies to regain control. Every time he says something you know to be untrue tell yourself "lies, more lies". You are the victim of his emotional and financial abuse in this situation. You can't give this man another year (let alone another 12) of your life.

Please don't let him know your new address - you need to have your new home as your safe haven where he can't turn up. He has gained a lot from his total control over you - a cash machine who he can belittle or cosy up to at whim and control to make himself feel big. You're so much more than that and you deserve so much more .

Thank you, it's making me feel quite teary reading everything.

My salary gets paid into a joint account. He calls it "our wages". However, all of the bills are in his name and come from his named account, so I'd have no switching to do there.

I feel sad thinking I'm leaving him, but also angry at myself for letting it get this far

I won't say don't be angry at yourself because I am my own harshest critic. But what I will say is use that anger to remember why you need to do this and what you're working for. Don't let yourself become more angry at yourself.

He is meant to be your partner not your child. Go for the rental get rid of the free loader.

OP you must open your own account immediately and make sure your wages are paid into that this month. As soon as you’re out get your name removed from the joint account.

I haven't read all the comments, so forgive me if some other PP has asked this. But surely his contribution is the accommodation, right? How much will your rental cost? That is his contribution. If that is outweighed by all the things you have got to pay for him and his hobby, then I imagine he has to find how to find that difference? Living alone might not be easier financially, but if that's all you get (or rather, not get) from the relationship, then it sounds like you have got to leave.

Ok i went and read all of OPs updates and i just need to say, forget what i said. Listen to your own heart. You know what to do, and it's absolutely the right thing!

He is not only a free loading, lazy prick he is also abusive - please read the responses on here and focus on the future.

Think about a time when:

• you don’t have to share your money
• you can make and keep friends
• you can see family freely
• there is no picture taking when you get to places
• there is no silent treatment
• you can have social media (can’t believe he can and you can’t)
• you can use instagram for your hobby without having the comments
• you can so what you want

He is a nasty, controlling man, you owe him nothing, I would leave go to your new home, text him its over and block him on everything. You then stop his access to your money - you get a new bank account and get your wages put into that. If you feel like it you could consult a solicitor to see if you could claim anything on the house you have paid for, for all this time.

Overall leave, don’t look back and do not feel sorry for this disgusting, poor excuse of a man.

He saw you coming.

This doesn't work for you anymore, the universe has opened a door for you. You don't stay with someone because you can't do DIY and you're stopping yourself finding someone who is a team player.

And yeah, stop his access to your money before you leave or he will clean you out.

Please be brave enough to go. I was in a similar situation years ago. I felt so guilty about leaving but he survived just fine. I wish I had done in earlier. You are still young and sound a lovely person. You deserve happiness and someone to genuinely care for you. Go and find it.

Each post you make sounds worse than the one before. This man is psychotic. Get out of there. You have a lot of life to live.

You already know what you need to do. You’ve said it yourself: the right thing to do is leave. And you’re right. The longer you stay, the more time you’re giving to someone who isn’t acting like a partner, but like a dependent. This isn’t a relationship in any real sense, it’s a situation where you’ve been carrying the full load for years, emotionally and financially.

He is not your responsibility. He’s a grown man who has made his choices. You’ve been supporting those choices for a decade, and it’s left you drained and stuck. The guilt you’re feeling isn’t love, it’s part of the emotional hold he has over you, and it’s keeping you trapped.

You deserve so much more than this. You deserve peace, support, and the freedom to live a life that reflects your own hopes and values. You’ve already given up marriage and children, don’t give up your future happiness too.

Wait until you have the new place sorted, keys in hand, and then tell him you’re going. Be calm and direct. You don’t need to explain or argue. A simple, “This relationship no longer works for me. I’ve found somewhere else to live and I’ll be moving out,” is enough.

You don’t need his permission to take back your life.

Leave. And don’t look back.

If you don't have your own private bank account already, open one now. Then contact your payroll dept quickly to get your next salary paid into it. If he's so clever & his stuff is more important then he can pay his own bills. You will need your money for your new home.

If your new place won't be ready by the time you are paid, can you stay with friends/relatives/parents for a few weeks? Just so you can leave in peace.

Get your mail forwarded by setting up a redirection with Royal mail. I think it's around £36 for 3 months. You can tick a box to keep your new address off the confirmation letter you'll receive to your old address.

Good luck.

He sounds self centred, depressed and paranoid and probably a few other not good things. I would plan things out and leave, have a friend or two there when you actually get out, I think he may become very unpredictable when he realises his gravy train has ended. You owe him nothing and he gives you nothing.

My salary gets paid into a joint account. He calls it "our wages"

He will need to earn his ‘own wage’ when you leave and stand on his own two feet,

This is the best approach.
Tell him nothing. Absolutely nothing before you get out.

Don't give him any details about where you've gone .

Warn your employer, family, friends and trusted acquaintances not to share any information.

You have to open a new account in your name and have your wages paid into it. He can access a joint account.

Yes, personal bank account and change your payroll urgently.

Contact the joint account bank, and remove your details immediately/when you go. Does it have an overdraft facility? You need to make sure you take all of your money out, and that he has no access to run up debts jointly in your name.