Help me figure out how to tell him

[TwinklingPotato]

Hello!

Let me preface this by saying I'm fairly sure I have Stockholm Syndrome, at least on a lower level. My friend showed me some stuff on it and yep, it makes sense..

I have been with my partner almost 13 years. We are unmarried, no children. He owns our home outright (inherited).

I moved in quickly, after a few months. I'd lived with him around 6 months, living off of my savings and his. We had fun, we laughed, it was new and exciting. He then said he didn't feel I was bringing enough to the table, that I should get a job, which I did. I have worked ever since (albeit in various positions climbing a ladder I didn't even realise I was on!). I now earn a good wage for my career.

He is (was) self employed. He stopped working with any regularity within a year of me moving in. The work dried up to some extent, he stopped looking, too. He said he would do the house up (it was very old fashioned!).

For the last three years, he's submitted a zero tax return, before that, he earned less than £2k per year (and that was largely the Covid payments he got, which shows how little he earned before that). I have paid 100% of the bills, food, gifts, all and any purchases for a decade.

He's done the bathroom (not 100% there but more or less), and 70% of the living room. He's also created two spaces for himself in two of the 3 bedrooms. One is a workshop, the other is a room for his hobby.

He is now working on his hobby, because he can, and because I have indulged him. He hopes it will make him some money (it's creative). Since 202 it hasn't, but it has cost (me) a lot in equipment, subscriptions, and software.

He sees no need to get any kind of paid employment. Because if he did, that would mean he would spend the weekends working on the house because he'd be out working all week, and then there would be no point being in a relationship.

Lots of this has come to a head for me recently, and I am really resenting it. I really don't enjoy my current position and would like to leave. doing so would mean a pay cut and he's not a fan of that. He'd rather I was unhappy because it supports us both really well.

I have been looking at houses to rent and have found one, and I really want to go for it.

However, I am racked with guilt and uncertainty.

• Is it better to stay where I am, and keep paying for everything for us both, but not have to worry about paying rent. Though I can't decorate or hang pictures etc., it's very much his house.
• I'm worried about him and how he will survive. He's in his 50s, so my sane mind knows he'll be ok and that he's not my responsibility, but my attached mind is concerned and putting him before me.
• I've sacrificed marriage and having children to sustain this relationship for this long. It started with promises that went nowhere, and now I am childless and in my 40s.
• If I don't praise him he gets angry, if I ask him to consider getting a job, he says that would mean the end of the relationship.

I know the right thing to do is go, I just don't know how to. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to hurt him or throw accusations at him. I've allowed the situation, too.

How should I word it, what shall I say? When? Should I wait until I have somewhere to go, or tell him before? Or should I stay?

Dear OP,
No one here knows how he react when you go. But I am sure that many will confirm that post separation formerly “ nice “ partners can behave in very unpleasant ways. But from what you have posted previously your soon to be ex partner is not a good person ( sorry if that hurts too hear.)

I really hope that he just lets you be , but I urge you to be extra vigilant and careful of your personal safety going forward . Upgrade your locks, get a second phone ( let your old phone go to voicemail), vary your routes home.

You have been his meal ticket for years and now you are going to be cutting off his free ride. I am not confident, given his behaviour in the past, that he will take this well/ passively.

Thanks again, everyone.

He's in bed when I leave in the morning, gets up some time after 9am (I leave around 6.30am).

I just wish it was done now, you know? I wish it was a month ahead and this, the hardest bit in my mind was all done..

I wish it was all over already

Go, tomorrow. Just go. It'll be worth sleeping on a sun lounger to be out x

Maybe he doesn't check his email, maybe it would go to spam for some unknown reason on this occasion, who knows. If he doesn't respond to it in someway in 12 hours perhaps, send a text directing him to it, send a hard copy in the post or do something else from a safe distance. It seems safer to do that than have him potentially get up at 6.30 am, just on this odd occasion due to Sod's Law, and catch the OP in the act of leaving a physical letter.

Can you go and stay in a hotel / air b&b for a couple of nights - it would also throw him if he decides to follow you home from work.

This! Get a blow up li-lo or sleep or anything but go now. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose

Echoing pp @TwinklingPotato , please just go. Post the letter if needs be, or leave it in the letterbox, and just go.

You should consider leaving tomorrow - I don’t understand why the need to delay. I wonder if you’re dreading the actual moment perhaps? I don’t blame you but you know the sooner you’re out, the better.

I like the idea of writing a letter, btw, as you’ll be able to spell out exactly why this relationship has been so one-sided.

Good luck 🙂🙂

I am really glad you have thought about the ramifications of telling him face to face and opted for a letter. Once you have gone, block him on everything. Good luck with your leaving

OP, take everyone’s advice and go tomorrow, or better still, today. Just don’t go back. If you don’t want to sleep on the lounger go to a premier inn or air bnb. Everyone says the most dangerous time is just before you go. He already seems to realise something is happening, the longer you stay the more dangerous it gets. Leave tomorrow. Post a letter, don’t have it written at home where he might see it before you leave. Stay safe.

Dear @TwinklingPotato I haven't posted on your thread before but I've been reading it. You are amazing and watching you plan your freedom has been immensely moving.

I'm worried now. You are so close but you're leaving it until next week, why? Lots of people here are saying go now, go today.
The weekend worries me. What if, over the weekend, the unconscious knowledge he has that something's happening pushes him over the edge? And at the weekend all the lovely people in your life who've said they'll help and they'll be there are all at that moment chilling out with their families and unaware you're in danger?

If you're anywhere near me honestly I'd come help. (Bristol. Long shot, obviously.)

Please please please think very carefully. You could be out by tomorrow end of day. It could be all over and you SAFE. Not enduring one final, highly dangerous weekend.
Please.
Hugs to you.
Stay with us.

Good to hear - would leaving Sunday be a better day if possible or even just not go home Friday and head to your new place? Post the letter to his mother to give to him. He knows where you work so that will be the first thing he will try but will have had the weekend to 'cool off' and think about his actions.

btw if you have already taken some things out of the house he will have noticed. He will know something is amiss.

@TwinklingPotato "When I have left, I will call his mum and tell her I've gone and left him a note, so that she can be prepared when he calls her."

I advise you to text her, not call. I know she hinted that she realises what an awful person her son is but you should realise that when you leave, she'll think, "Oh no! Now he's going to expect ME to look after him!"

She won't want to do that, she's an older woman. Likely the last thing she wants is to have to look after and worry about him.

So she may well act as a flying monkey for him out of self-interest. Meaning that she might beg you to go back and guilt you and pass on messages from him etc. You don't need this when you're already struggling with all the high emotions surrounding this split.

So it's best to keep your distance from her from now on, starting from the minute you send her the text (DON'T call her). If the relationship with her is important to you, you can contact her later, when the dust is settled.

The same is true for anyone who might act as flying monkeys for him eg his siblings, friends.

And by the way, you are NOT responsible for his mother's potential distress. She's a grown woman who has to lay her own boundaries, and she has other people - her other children for example - who can help her deal with him.

Apologies if i missed this in the thread but do you get paid monthly? If so did you wages go in like normal last week? When are you due to be paid next?

Also, abusers are very good at sniffing the air and sensing when their victim is about to escape. They're very animalistic.

He's sniffing the air, and getting agitated. That's why he tried to bait you into a fight, and talked about suicide in pretty much consecutive days. This is likely born from a primal sense that his cushy setup is about to be threatened, he may not be able to put a finger on what exactly is bothering him.

But it indicates that he's been triggered. So he may start snooping and watching you more closely. Or worse, he will suddenly confront you aggressively, to flush out what is going on and to bring you back under his control.

You can't control him. At all. He could explode tonight, tomorrow, on the weekend. And things could go very very badly for you.

Right now, you're at extreme risk of devastating domestic violence. The most dangerous time of the average woman's life is when she's about to leave or has just left a male partner.

If I was you, I would accelerate my departure.

Remember to take a photo if the water, gas & electricity meters

Definitely the right decision to leave or post a letter rather than face to face. I’m so pleased you’ve made that decision but like others I’m worried things will escalate over the weekend as it does sound like he’s picking up that you’re distancing yourself from him and his drama. Even if it doesn’t escalate into DV you can guarantee he’ll try every trick in the book to get you to stay. I’m echoing every one else, please just think about just leaving for work tomorrow and not returning. This is absolutely the hardest bit and I don’t blame you at all for putting off but you can do this, you have all of us rooting for you. Please Stay safe.

What is stopping you @TwinklingPotato? What's holding you back? You have made a rule for yourself that's stopping you leaving today/tomorrow. It's not the bed is it?

I get a feeling that you might, just might find another reason to postpone departure. Something, not necessarily the delivery of the bed is holding you back. What is it? There is no reason you could not have had say a mattress delivered quickly, the frame to follow, or just bought an airbed. Most people who want to escape your situation would have done something like that sooner rather than later, especially now you have most of the groundwork sorted.

Another thing is, he knows where you work. What if he causes a scene there, or is waiting for you outside some night, or stalks you. Have a plan for that too.

All the best and get out that door tonight if you can.

He has taken you for an absolute mug. Just move out and don’t look back.

I'm with everyone else. Just go. Tomorrow morning. You've then got the whole weekend to sort yourself out. Sleep on the floor if you have to.

Please don’t put off leaving any longer. Stop making excuses and giving yourself reasons to stay. You are important. You are the reason to go. Go tomorrow. You are in a very dangerous situation.

I've only just found this thread but OP, you're an inspiration. The way you're handling yourself and looking forwards, despite the underlying drag to look back... You're doing amazing.
Echoing what others have said, leave sooner rather than later. Keep yourself safe. Use the security your colleagues are offering you. I don't really want to say this but just be aware of your surroundings to and from work. Hurt people do crazy things. We're all rooting for you, the next few months might be abit of an emotional rollercoaster but YOU'RE GOING TO BE FREE! Enjoy finding yourself again, your new home and your new start ❤️

I would heed people's advice to go before the weekend and email him and his mother after you have left work and are safely in your new home.

I have an excellent recipe for Beef Wellington if you need it.