@TwinklingPotato "He went out for a walk yesterday evening, on his own, while I had a bath. When he got back he said (due to a loss he suffered a couple of years ago of a beloved animal) that it wouldn't take much for him to end it all now. Now, I don't thin he is suicidal, not at all, I think he uses those words and that kind of emotion to get an empathy and sorrow for me, to seek out control by appearing vulnerable. That's what I'm up against here."
It's good that you see this. He is DEFINITELY going to use this tactic to drag you back. You have to prepare yourself for it: if he says he's going to kill himself, CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES. To explain why, I'm going to quote a Zawn Villines article on this exact topic:
"When your abuser threatens suicide
Threatening suicide is a common abusive tactic. But the risk is also very real--and could extend to you and your children.
Abuse is fundamentally about control. And one of the most powerful ways to control someone who loves you is to threaten your own death. This is why abusers, especially abusive men, may weaponize their mental health, threatening suicide when they sense they are losing control.
One 2019 study found that intimate partner violence is a factor in nearly half of all suicides. A 2022 study found that suicidal threats and behavior can be a “deliberate and calculated response by which some men sought to maintain influence or control over women.”
If your partner threatens suicide every time you try to leave, or even every time you demand that he do a fair share of household labor, you are not alone. You are not the problem, and you’re not the abusive one.
So why does this happen, and what can you do?
The dynamics of suicide threats—and why they can be so effective
Men who threaten suicide to get what they want are asking women to make a simple choice: your life or his. And patriarchy tells women we must always choose the man’s life over ours. It tells us we’re abusive monsters for even considering our well-being over his.
Suicide threats don’t have to be overt to work. I’ve spoken to hundreds of women who avoid taking certain actions—calling CPS or the police, divorcing their abusers, telling their husbands no, declining sex—because they fear their abusers may become suicidal. I’ve written before about how the threat of violence lurks in every unequal relationship. All men benefit from the violence many women experience, because the threat of that violence will always influence women’s behavior. We know what men are capable of, even when an individual man never shows us what he specifically is capable of. We know we can never be truly safe.
This same phenomenon extends to suicide. Women know that suicidal men are potentially dangerous to them and to their children. We also know that men blame us for their emotions, and that society may blame us for a man’s suicide or act of self-harm...
So when a man threatens suicide, he is not just threatening suicide, but all that comes with it. He’s threatening he might kill you, too...
It doesn’t matter whether he is genuinely suicidal or not. When he wields the threat to convince you to stay, talk to him, have sex with him, or otherwise give him what he wants, he is being abusive.
He is asking you to choose him over you—and often, to choose him over the well-being of your children, too. You must always choose yourself and your children in this scenario. Because giving him what he wants will only ensure more threats and more control down the road. And it certainly won’t cure any underlying mental health issues....
Take the threat seriously
All threats of suicide are serious threats, even if he has a history of manipulation.
This is because there is simply no way to distinguish an earnest threat from an attempt at manipulation.
If he is earnest in his intentions, then he needs help you cannot give him. And he deserves that help, because everyone deserves a chance at redemption and healing. Ensuring he gets that help is an act of decency, not cruelty.
And if he is being manipulative, he’s much less likely to continue wielding this threat if you take it seriously and he has to answer to someone else about his behavior.
Call for emergency help every single time he threatens suicide. Document the threat... call emergency services.
Every. Single. Time."
https://zawn.substack.com/p/when-your-abuser-threatens-suicide
So OP, to repeat: if he threatens suicide, CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES.
And listen to the alarmed PPs here: do NOT attempt to have a reasoned discussion with him about why you are leaving just before you do leave. He may be triggered to act impulsively and dangerously, either against himself or you. Leave WITHOUT DISCUSSION (there is nothing to discuss anyway), tell him via text, and then warn his mother. If he threatens suicide, IMMEDIATELY CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES.
That's the kindest thing you can do for him, OP.