Help me figure out how to tell him

[TwinklingPotato]

Hello!

Let me preface this by saying I'm fairly sure I have Stockholm Syndrome, at least on a lower level. My friend showed me some stuff on it and yep, it makes sense..

I have been with my partner almost 13 years. We are unmarried, no children. He owns our home outright (inherited).

I moved in quickly, after a few months. I'd lived with him around 6 months, living off of my savings and his. We had fun, we laughed, it was new and exciting. He then said he didn't feel I was bringing enough to the table, that I should get a job, which I did. I have worked ever since (albeit in various positions climbing a ladder I didn't even realise I was on!). I now earn a good wage for my career.

He is (was) self employed. He stopped working with any regularity within a year of me moving in. The work dried up to some extent, he stopped looking, too. He said he would do the house up (it was very old fashioned!).

For the last three years, he's submitted a zero tax return, before that, he earned less than £2k per year (and that was largely the Covid payments he got, which shows how little he earned before that). I have paid 100% of the bills, food, gifts, all and any purchases for a decade.

He's done the bathroom (not 100% there but more or less), and 70% of the living room. He's also created two spaces for himself in two of the 3 bedrooms. One is a workshop, the other is a room for his hobby.

He is now working on his hobby, because he can, and because I have indulged him. He hopes it will make him some money (it's creative). Since 202 it hasn't, but it has cost (me) a lot in equipment, subscriptions, and software.

He sees no need to get any kind of paid employment. Because if he did, that would mean he would spend the weekends working on the house because he'd be out working all week, and then there would be no point being in a relationship.

Lots of this has come to a head for me recently, and I am really resenting it. I really don't enjoy my current position and would like to leave. doing so would mean a pay cut and he's not a fan of that. He'd rather I was unhappy because it supports us both really well.

I have been looking at houses to rent and have found one, and I really want to go for it.

However, I am racked with guilt and uncertainty.

• Is it better to stay where I am, and keep paying for everything for us both, but not have to worry about paying rent. Though I can't decorate or hang pictures etc., it's very much his house.
• I'm worried about him and how he will survive. He's in his 50s, so my sane mind knows he'll be ok and that he's not my responsibility, but my attached mind is concerned and putting him before me.
• I've sacrificed marriage and having children to sustain this relationship for this long. It started with promises that went nowhere, and now I am childless and in my 40s.
• If I don't praise him he gets angry, if I ask him to consider getting a job, he says that would mean the end of the relationship.

I know the right thing to do is go, I just don't know how to. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to hurt him or throw accusations at him. I've allowed the situation, too.

How should I word it, what shall I say? When? Should I wait until I have somewhere to go, or tell him before? Or should I stay?

When are you moving in? Personally, I wouldn't be able to wait and would get a blow up mattress!

I just thought the same!

He has set up a life with other people financing the whole shebang..willingly manipulating & controlling you to live his dream.
Is he actually any good on his guitar?
I hope his mother doesn't bail him out, She should tell him the gravy train has ended.

When does your bed get delivered?

Sorry for the radio silence, it's been madly busy at work (which has been a great distraction!).

He has been very complimentary the last few days, telling me I'm pretty, blah blah.. the usual cycle. He tried to start a row yesterday though. I wish I had joined in and escalated it but I was exhausted so just had a hot bath!

Bed is arriving Tuesday, in the meantime I will probably try and work things so I get out on Sunday (I have a lounger I can use for a couple of nights)..

It's very real now. And I don't feel guilty for him at the moment, either. A little sorry that I'll be pulling the rug out from under him, but otherwise I'm ready x

Well done. You are doing so well.

Yes indeed, he can feel your general disinterest, he will notice you not rising to the bait, like a hyena sniffing the wind.

Be wary he doesn't get into your phone or accounts.

Roll on the weekend

@TwinklingPotato "He tried to start a row yesterday though. I wish I had joined in and escalated it but I was exhausted so just had a hot bath!"

He's noticed you pulling back, and he's trying to re-centralise himself in your head by picking a fight. It's a controlling tactic that keeps abused spouses constantly off balance and unable to think clearly or able to see the pattern. The pattern being the Abuse Cycle.

Good for you not biting and letting his attempt to pick a fight go. It's the best approach here. I bet in the next few days he will put on a massive love bombing display, want to talk etc. He senses his slave is getting restive, and that threatens his cushy exploitative setup.

Fab update about the bed and the impending date to move!

Just be very careful for the next few days. It sounds like he is picking up on your indifference - compliment didn’t work, so tried starting a fight but that didn’t work either. Try to avoid him as much as possible and try to act as normal as you can.

Keep going. Bear in mind this man has not given the bare minimum to you in this ‘relationship’ & would throw you out at a moment’s notice should the money run dry. A note on the table stating the gravy train has had enough & left the building is more than he deserves.

just remember he has family to fall back on and can help him out. You are no longer responsible for him.

Thanks for the update @TwinklingPotatothere are more of us than you know rooting for you!

Thank you, all...

My biggest head spin today has been whether or not I've ordered the right mattress..!

He went out for a walk yesterday evening, on his own, while I had a bath. When he got back he said (due to a loss he suffered a couple of years ago of a beloved animal) that it wouldn't take much for him to end it all now.

Now, I don't thin he is suicidal, not at all, I think he uses those words and that kind of emotion to get an empathy and sorrow for me, to seek out control by appearing vulnerable. That's what I'm up against here.

Leaving work early today to take some bits to my new home!

@TwinklingPotato - you need to get the fuck out of there, RIGHT NOW.

I'm a man, definitely not a feminist "ally", and I'm rooting for you. Created this throwaway count to help you. Because I believe you MAY be in more danger than you realise.

I don't know your partner, I'm 1,000,000% sure that what you've shared isn't the full story, and none of us can say for sure whether he's truly a bad person or a "piece of shit". All of us have said dumb things when we're angry and/or upset. You've not given us the full context - but it's okay, because nobody ever does.

But I will say this...

There's something fundamentally wrong with a man who leeches of his woman like this guy does. It's not about morals or character. It's about something being messed up in his wiring. And this guy has a few short circuits.

Think about what he stands to lose:

YOU ARE HIS LIFELINE.

He is living in a state of delusion, and HE DEPENDS ON YOU TO SUSTAIN THIS DELUSION. He deeply fears you leaving him. It's a scenario he likely thinks about and ruminates on often. Unless he's a retard, he's thought through the implications and is likely actively "looking for" signals that you may leave.

People are far more perceptive than most of us realize.

If something clicks in his head and he perceives that you are leaving, he may very well panic. Even normal, balanced, good people do stupid things when they panic. Deluded people with screws loose do crazy things.

I look at you like I would a sister or my daughter.

Get the fuck out of there now. As in, RIGHT NOW.

He's probably more aware than you realize, and the severity of things spirally out of hand in a few crazy minutes of high emotions doesn't bare thinking about.

Really think about this, @TwinklingPotato:

People on this thread have been brought to tears seeing that photo of the keys, reading your story, seeing how you are so close to freedom and the life you were meant to live. Now, flip that around and think about how emotional HE is going to be when HIS dreams are suddenly "taken away" from him.

Every night you go home, you're walking into a house that's filled with oxygen and flammable gas. Every word you say or don't say, even interaction you have with him or don't have, every microexpression is like flicking a lighter.

Again, I must emphasize:

He is probably far more perceptive than you realize.

He's also not normal. He won't respond to this breakup the way most normal men would. Deep down, you know this, and that's why you started this thread.

You're a woman. As far as I know, he's not deformed or seriously ill. If there's a physical struggle or confrontation, you won't stand a chance.

Sleep on the concrete if you must. At least you'll be safe.

Don't go back there tonight.

In your heart, you feel like he deserves an explanation or a proper breakup. I applaud your integrity and trust your judgment on that. But please stay safe. If you have any male colleages, ask a few to come along and have your back. Boyfriend doesn't even need to know they are there. You can dial them from your phone, they can listen discretely, be ready to step in quickly if things get heated. It seems that you have been slowly sundered from any other male friends, and may very well feel uncomfortable asking your boss or any male colleages for this kind of help. From what you've said about gifts and things, I'm confident they would drop everything to help you with this. You're a value employee, colleague, and probably friend, and they want to see you get out of this safely. So, please ask them for help.

Don't wait another day to get out of there.

I'm rooting for you.

You need not share a single word he's ever said to you. Just the fact that he sits at home playing guitar and jerking off over his MacBook while his woman goes out to work to pay all the bills tells me everything I need to know.

You strike me as a decent woman. You deserve better and will get better. But right now, you need to get to place of safety - and you're in more danger than you realize. You have everyone here rooting for you. You have people in the real world, where you work rooting for you and actively helping you. Ask for their help if you must break up in person. But get out of there now.

And please, for goodness sake, send us all an update when you're safely out.

P.S. I'd stay off Facebook. All it takes is for a mutual friend to comment on a photo, and he'll know where you live. You would be one innocent mistake away from that scenario. Get back in touch with your old friends some other way - through WhatsApp or email or something.

Thank you - it's hard to know if I should bite now, incite a row and use that as my excuse to leave. But I think perhaps the cool, calm method would be best..

Wow, goodness, thank you so much for this response.

Yes, you're right, I've been no angel verbally throughout our relationship. I can say spiteful, vindictive and hurtful things, generally I am calm and level-headed, but he is one of two people I have known who can get anger and hatred out of me, and I hate that.

When we first moved in together I looked through his phone and emails, I was suspicious, and found enough then to have just walked away. Who knows why I didn't. Snooping never finds you good things.

I really appreciate what you have said. And, as well as the other advice I've had on here, I have spoken to my boss who has offered support, and a male colleague who has said he will wait down the road, if I would like him to. I honestly don't feel like I am in any danger, though I suppose you never really know someone and you're right, he is about to be walked away from, and I don't think that is going to go down well. We have come close to separating before, several years ago, and his first comment was how was he going to buy food and pay the bills. That is why I stayed, if I'm honest with myself.

I honestly really appreciate your advice. everything people have said on here has been wonderful. Also in agreement re Facebook, I've lived without it so long it's probably not a risk I will take.

Of course, I will be sure to update once I get out and am safe.

Thank you x

You're most welcome, and I'm glad it helped!

You're doing great and it's all going to work out great.

Please don't trust your feelings right now, though. You said yourself: "[I should] have just walked away. Who knows why I didn't." All of us have flawed perception. We often see what we want to see.

You may be 100% right about him not being a threat.

But if you're wrong, you could pay with your life.

He told you today that he's thinking of "ending it all now". Lots of people say that. But if he means it, it means he's desperate. Desperate people are extremely dangerous. Desperate unhinged people - even more so.

Please listen to the other advice you've received.

You're excited about shopping for a mattress, while many of us on here are dreading reading about you in the Daily Mail. So many stories of some poor woman being stabbed to death - and someone's beloved daughter/mother/sister - started out just like yours.

I'm not trying to frighten you. I just want to feel the stakes.

Your male colleague who offered to wait down the street - that will be a tremendous help. Perhaps you could borrow another colleages phone, and have a call connected to his phone while you break up with him? If things kick off, believe me when I tell you - you won't have a chance to call for help. But with your colleage there, he or others can listen in and know if it's spiralling. Nobody will judge you.

Again, not trying to scare you.

The likelihood of your breakup going wrong might be very low. But it's severe enough that any prudent person would want to take precautions. Honestlly - I read your note about the suicide threat after writing my last message, and that has significantly increased my cause for concern.

He'll get over you leaving him. It will probably make him a better person. It might even prove to be the making of him - the wakeup call he needs.

You won't ever get over being stabbed to death in a moment of panic and madness.

Get out now!

Honestly I have to agree, it can feel alien to really genuinely believe that terrible things can happen to us even though we see them in the news every day.
this part is statistically the part where you are most at risk and the longer you wait the longer you are vulnerable.
you have laid the groundwork and could literally leave that house and never come back, why you’re waiting and staying feels like lingering and dilly dallying and could be fatal (also not trying to scaremonger, more convey the potentially severity of the situation)
you are on the cusp of freedom and at risk of losing it it if things don’t go the way you anticipate.
i agree that you need to move into action mode and get this done with immediate effect. Take what you have already and get gone. Sometimes you can’t see how things are escalating while you’re still ‘in’, even from what you’ve posted on here, we can see that things really are escalating and the only thing you can do is jump and jump far and now.

Previous posters are absolutly right in that he’s sensed you pulling away and is starting to emotionally manipulate you in to staying.

Even if, worst case scenario, he did too himself after you leave, it won’t be cause you’ve left it’ll be because his gravy train has dried up.

We’re talking about an abusive man who is about to lose control of you.

Please don’t underestimate his rage.

Do not do this alone.

"We have come close to separating before, several years ago, and his first comment was how was he going to buy food and pay the bills"

He has 2 choices. Find someone else to do it, or get a job and pay his own bills.

I also agree with other pp's in that he's sensed a change in you, hence the comment when he returned from his walk that it wouldn't take much to end it all. What an arch manipulator he is.

You've received so much wise advice in this thread, from so many people of all walks of life. Almost everyone unanimously agrees that you need to leave now.

You're so close to your new life, @TwinklingPotato!

You're like Frodo, standing over the chasm in mount doom. After so much internal struggle and preparation, so much ruminating, and after having come so far, it's perfectly normal to feel hesitant. But now is the time to cast away the ring and be free! Please re-read the posts from the women who have stood in your shoes. They are urging you to get out now and never look back.

This man is not dependent on you.

He owns a house free and clear. He has a mother who will no doubt feed him. There are plenty of jobs he can walk into tomorrow. Worst case scenario, he can sell and live rented for several years without having to work another day. You leaving is not going to ruin him - but it may very well be the single most important turning point in his life, and I speak from direct experience.

If you must break up in person, please have someone with you or very, very close. Better yet, write him a letter. The fact that he threatened suicide changes everything.

In a way they really are quite pathetic aren't they.

I usually say when I see a lady on here feeling sorry for a narcissist, to google the painting 'the fallen angel'. It's a beautiful angel with such a look of sorrow and pain and rage and betrayal on his face that it hurts your heart. If you didn't know the back story, perhaps you would weep for him.

But of course, he is not the betrayed,but the great betrayer himself.

How often manipulators seem to wield this expression, like a hurt little boy who needs mothering.

When infact, they are the devil.

They use your goodness, your compassion, your light against you. It's all a big trap. Don't be fooled. They are not the innocent caught in the spiders web, you are. And they, are the spider.

You already know deep down what the right choice is... to leave. You've sacrificed enough, and it’s time to prioritize your well-being. You don’t owe him comfort at the cost of your own life. Find your place first, then tell him calmly and clearly that you're moving on for your own future. You don’t need to justify it more than that. You deserve happiness too.

The suicide comment, is supposed to make you feel responsible… Poor Lamb.

We have come close to separating before, several years ago, and his first comment was how was he going to buy food and pay the bills. That is why I stayed, if I'm honest with myself.

He is a 50 year old man who needs to stand on his own two feet. He has his mother and siblings to help him out - not your issue any more. He will say anything to keep the comfortable life and status quo he has enjoyed - don't think it is anything more than that.

This breakup may be the best thing for both of you eventually - it will be what you make of it.

But I do agree with @MyWiseAquaPoster trying to do this over a civil discussion would be a mistake and highly risky. It is not about the money - it is the loss of power, possession and also face. He is no longer in control any more. You have no idea what he will do but it won't be a 'all the best, take care' chat as he sees you out.

His behaviour is changing because your's is. If you really want to split face to face ask someone, even the police, if they will be close by to help. Walk as soon as you have lined up - a kettle can be bought from a supermarket.

p.s. you don't need a row as an excuse to leave. you are leaving because you want and are free to do so.

@TwinklingPotato "He went out for a walk yesterday evening, on his own, while I had a bath. When he got back he said (due to a loss he suffered a couple of years ago of a beloved animal) that it wouldn't take much for him to end it all now. Now, I don't thin he is suicidal, not at all, I think he uses those words and that kind of emotion to get an empathy and sorrow for me, to seek out control by appearing vulnerable. That's what I'm up against here."

It's good that you see this. He is DEFINITELY going to use this tactic to drag you back. You have to prepare yourself for it: if he says he's going to kill himself, CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES. To explain why, I'm going to quote a Zawn Villines article on this exact topic:

"When your abuser threatens suicide
Threatening suicide is a common abusive tactic. But the risk is also very real--and could extend to you and your children.

Abuse is fundamentally about control. And one of the most powerful ways to control someone who loves you is to threaten your own death. This is why abusers, especially abusive men, may weaponize their mental health, threatening suicide when they sense they are losing control.

One 2019 study found that intimate partner violence is a factor in nearly half of all suicides. A 2022 study found that suicidal threats and behavior can be a “deliberate and calculated response by which some men sought to maintain influence or control over women.”

If your partner threatens suicide every time you try to leave, or even every time you demand that he do a fair share of household labor, you are not alone. You are not the problem, and you’re not the abusive one.

So why does this happen, and what can you do?

The dynamics of suicide threats—and why they can be so effective

Men who threaten suicide to get what they want are asking women to make a simple choice: your life or his. And patriarchy tells women we must always choose the man’s life over ours. It tells us we’re abusive monsters for even considering our well-being over his.

Suicide threats don’t have to be overt to work. I’ve spoken to hundreds of women who avoid taking certain actions—calling CPS or the police, divorcing their abusers, telling their husbands no, declining sex—because they fear their abusers may become suicidal. I’ve written before about how the threat of violence lurks in every unequal relationship. All men benefit from the violence many women experience, because the threat of that violence will always influence women’s behavior. We know what men are capable of, even when an individual man never shows us what he specifically is capable of. We know we can never be truly safe.

This same phenomenon extends to suicide. Women know that suicidal men are potentially dangerous to them and to their children. We also know that men blame us for their emotions, and that society may blame us for a man’s suicide or act of self-harm...

So when a man threatens suicide, he is not just threatening suicide, but all that comes with it. He’s threatening he might kill you, too...

It doesn’t matter whether he is genuinely suicidal or not. When he wields the threat to convince you to stay, talk to him, have sex with him, or otherwise give him what he wants, he is being abusive.

He is asking you to choose him over you—and often, to choose him over the well-being of your children, too. You must always choose yourself and your children in this scenario. Because giving him what he wants will only ensure more threats and more control down the road. And it certainly won’t cure any underlying mental health issues....

Take the threat seriously

All threats of suicide are serious threats, even if he has a history of manipulation.
This is because there is simply no way to distinguish an earnest threat from an attempt at manipulation.

If he is earnest in his intentions, then he needs help you cannot give him. And he deserves that help, because everyone deserves a chance at redemption and healing. Ensuring he gets that help is an act of decency, not cruelty.

And if he is being manipulative, he’s much less likely to continue wielding this threat if you take it seriously and he has to answer to someone else about his behavior.

Call for emergency help every single time he threatens suicide. Document the threat... call emergency services.
Every. Single. Time."

https://zawn.substack.com/p/when-your-abuser-threatens-suicide

So OP, to repeat: if he threatens suicide, CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES.

And listen to the alarmed PPs here: do NOT attempt to have a reasoned discussion with him about why you are leaving just before you do leave. He may be triggered to act impulsively and dangerously, either against himself or you. Leave WITHOUT DISCUSSION (there is nothing to discuss anyway), tell him via text, and then warn his mother. If he threatens suicide, IMMEDIATELY CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES.

That's the kindest thing you can do for him, OP.