Instincts are there for a reason

[Honeymare]

I've heard instincts are there to protect us. But what if instincts are ALL you're going on? I don't honestly consider myself very intuitive anyway, I tend to make cautious, logical assesments over time.

My DH has a long time fitness hobby. He's gotten very serious about it again recently and is training very regularly with a group, of mixed sexes. The training is not strange. We are both into fitness (different things) and have ramped things up recently.

Something about the dynamic between him and another woman in the group is making the hair stand up on the back of my neck - Lara. Lara is also married. Lara is friendly to me. I've never seen anything untoward between them.

But when we are in a group it feels like the air is charged between my DH and Lara, like they don't see anyone else and they keep gravitating towards each other.

We were all out in a group the other day and I felt the same even though they didn't sit beside each other or speak more than anyone else. There was another woman Stacey from the group and she seemed to be squirming. In my mind I was inventing Stacey's thought process of "this is so uncomfortable seeing his wife and DC here after what I'm witnessing with this other pair." I don't actually know Stacey either (stunning looking and if I was to be jealous of anyone it should be her but I'm not) so I have no idea if she's just quiet or was actually feeling uncomfortable around DH and Lara. It is an extreme stretch.

Another night we all got very drunk. At one point I was chatting to Lara's husband, I turned to my DH who was talking to Lara. That's when I felt it so completely, time kept passing and it felt like they were oblivious to everyone else. Everything went into slow motion, it felt torturous. I was looking at them and it felt like watching a movie suddenly figuring it out all. I then turned back to Lara's husband and he raised his eyebrows at me. We were all very drunk so I don't trust mf assessment of the evening at all.

I honestly have never felt my instincts so riled up. I can't explain it. The logical part of my brain is telling me I'm being paranoid and ridiculous yet I can't shake it.

I had a dream last night which was very detailed and drawn out. It was about a completely different set of circumstances but the message was crystal clear; everyone knows what's going on with your DH but you. When I woke up and looked at my DH I immediately thought that was about Lara (she wasn't even in the dream). I am rattled.

Instincts are there for a reason and if i were you i’d trust them. Unless you have a history for being over jealous.

Why not have a conversation about Lara with your DH and ask directly. Honesty is best policy and you will learn a lot from his responses. Make it clear you noticed they seem to be very much into each other, jokingly if you have to. And watch your senses as he replies.

I can’t know what’s going on with your DH but I had a similar
experience with an ex and another woman.

We were out with a group and all chatting and they were walking just in front of me and chatting and there was something I couldn’t put my finger on in their body language, they weren’t even touching, I can’t explain it.

I checked his phone, I was right.

Yeah there isn't much to go on until you have spoken to your partner about it to gauge his reaction. Could be instinct but could also be something your mind has created. Dont read much into the dream as its obvious you would have a dream about something playing on your mind

I realised after my exH left that the gut feeling that I’d had for a while had been right. The only way I can describe that feeling was like shifting sands beneath my feet. But I kept sweeping the feelings aside. There was no hard evidence. No evidence at all, really. After he left, it all made sense. She was from a hobby group of his.

Trust your instincts. When I trusted mine and confronted my husband, he told me I was imagining it & getting dementia 'like your mother' 🙄 (who had died a short while previously).

Hmmmm, yeah, right you porn addled wanker.

I don't think there is any 'evidence' to be found. I don't - hand on heart - believe anything has gone on between them.

I don't have a history of being jealous. He's very trusting of me.

It feels forced and awkward when I'm around her. The only way I can describe it is when you are thrown into a situation where there is a couple and an ex; everyone makes a point of being friendly but it's slightly pressurised. We were all leaving and when we stood up Lara turned towards me and said "it was lovely to see you again" I responded the same but it felt like I was looking in on a situation I didn't understand. My DH then walked with me but didn't say bye to her or the others which seemed strange as he's exceptionally ly friendly and I'm usually dragging him away from groups of people he barely knows.

I’m a logical person rather than instinctive on the whole (I’m always amazed when people talk about getting gut feelings about schools etc, for me that usually doesn’t happen!). I can think of two times that my instincts have reared up loudly in relation to people and they’ve both been right (though they’re not ppl I was close to and not infidelity related so maybe not as relevant). So perhaps if you’re not usually very intuitive then it’s even more important to listen to instincts when they scream?
but of course there’s only one possible way forward and that’s a calm discussion with your DH. I think the way he reacts will be very useful data for your more analytical side, too.

Also the thought of asking him if he likes her makes me feel physically ill.

Be brave. Ask him how well he knows her and go in that way, rather than if he likes her. General chit chat saying you thought she came across as acting awkward around you and has there been something awkward happen? Gauge his reaction whilst staying casual.

I have this with a colleague. And ex report actually. Nothing has ever happened (or ever will) but whenever we are together (1/2 times a year) there is an electricity between us. I am married and he is in a relationship.

I know his partner has noticed because she very pointedly asked me detailed questions about my marriage. I stay away unless it's the 2 to two times a year we meet up as a group and occasionally I say hi in passing in the office so as not to be rude.

Trust your instincts op. But I will equally say, it doesn't mean he's going to do anything about it.

Encourage a distance from Lara.

Thing is, these things thrive on secrecy so you have to bring it out in the open to take off that shine.
Tell him Lara’s husband raised his eyebrows at their intense conversation. Make him unconfortable and aware that others ARE aware.

But I don't know that was why Lara's husband even raised his eyebrows at me. It's also possible we'd been mid conversation then he wondered why I spaced out staring at his wife and my DH. We were all drinking

My DH also has the opposite of mentionitis about her. He will list off three people sharing a lift then I'll say "isn't Lara going?" and he will say "oh yes, didn't I say her name?" but I don't buy it.

There is nothing I can put my finger on, just a weird feeling.

This is what I feel is going on.

Sorry ETA - except he's seeing her at least once a week. He seems so happy which is nice but there's this voice whispering in my ear "wake up".

Like others said, trust your instincts and ask him straight out.

I've had this exact same thing and it's so hard to describe without sounding insane. I don't have an issue with friends of the opposite sex - I would struggle to even tell you what it was that set it off at first, because there was no particular interaction the first time I met her (with my ex there as well) that could in any way be seen as flirty, overly familiar, etc. But I remember him mentioning her later that week and saying how she was having 'a tough time' (that old chestnut) and me saying - please don't take this the wrong way but don't end up being her emotional support male friend (they weren't close or long-standing friends so not an unreasonable assumption).

Anyway, months went by with a few interactions between the three of us, and it went from 'yeah she's a bit weird, I've asked our mutual friend to ask her to leave me alone' to 'there's nothing weird about her name constantly being at the top of my Whatsapp chats' to 'I hope she isn't hanging around today' to 'she's going to come by and drop some stuff off for me'.

Unbeknownst to me, she once attended an event me and him had both gone to, and when I saw her there, I know this sounds literally batshit but it was like an alarm was going off inside my head. At the time I was telling myself I was just jealous and mad - then, after he and I had broken up, they got together.

Trust your gut because there is something making you feel this way.

He has got “very serious” about the long term hobby recently.
When did Lara join?

Personally, I would tentatively check Stacey’s thoughts as a first step.

There is nothing particularly irrational or intuitive about noticing a series of subtle changes in behaviour of the person with whom you spend the most time.

It doesn’t matter. Make him aware his chemistry has been clocked. Make him self conscious when he speaks to her. He won’t go up to Lara’s husband asking to clarify, i guarrantee that as that would be awkward, right.

Did they stay together though? Because to me that all sounds like she was pursuing him aggressively which for a man I'd imagine is very novel and flattering. Maybe he essentially used her for a fling after you two broke up?

The thing that I've noticed with DH and Lara is that they seem to have a very definite rhythm together and it is disproportionate to the amount of time they spend together. It's more like when you're in your twenties and become friends with your work team, you're really emeshed. You are all together so much then somebody's partner comes along and you feel an outsider has entered your circle. But I'm the outsider and I don't understand why the pair of them have a circle, they aren't together enough.

And taking a wider view, is this the first time this has happened?

I am very much a non jealous person and let my partner reveal himself the way he is. You cannot police other person all the time and this would make me question my partners true intentions, that is the crux. Is this level of policing you are happy with, going forward?

I think chemistry between others is very obvious specially if we know how one of them normally acts.

All you can do is be honest and say, I'm not comfortable, I feel like something is going on with you two. It needs to be out in the open if you are to trust each other going forward. I would trust my instincts - it sounds like they are telling you loud and clear.

Lara was always there the same way he was but a training schedule was proposed and delivered by someone else and the whole thing got an injection of oxygen.

I've also been pushing a health and fitness drive for both of us.

I do remember years ago thinking he fancied her when we met. He was single around two years ago that time and had been dating a lot. I didn't know her then but knew her to see same as she knew me. It was no big deal at all and I'd actually forgotten all about it till now. I realised later she was married.

Have you looked at his phone?

No. I don't want to police him. I also feel if there is chemistry that they are not acting on, what crime is being committed? I'm presuming they both love their spouses and even if I'm not imagining it, it won't last. If if does last and grow then there's nothing I can do about it.

I think I'm unusual however. I often see threads here with people in similar situations to mine now being advised to 'nip it in the bud' and I wonder what it means genuinely.