Instincts are there for a reason

[Honeymare]

I've heard instincts are there to protect us. But what if instincts are ALL you're going on? I don't honestly consider myself very intuitive anyway, I tend to make cautious, logical assesments over time.

My DH has a long time fitness hobby. He's gotten very serious about it again recently and is training very regularly with a group, of mixed sexes. The training is not strange. We are both into fitness (different things) and have ramped things up recently.

Something about the dynamic between him and another woman in the group is making the hair stand up on the back of my neck - Lara. Lara is also married. Lara is friendly to me. I've never seen anything untoward between them.

But when we are in a group it feels like the air is charged between my DH and Lara, like they don't see anyone else and they keep gravitating towards each other.

We were all out in a group the other day and I felt the same even though they didn't sit beside each other or speak more than anyone else. There was another woman Stacey from the group and she seemed to be squirming. In my mind I was inventing Stacey's thought process of "this is so uncomfortable seeing his wife and DC here after what I'm witnessing with this other pair." I don't actually know Stacey either (stunning looking and if I was to be jealous of anyone it should be her but I'm not) so I have no idea if she's just quiet or was actually feeling uncomfortable around DH and Lara. It is an extreme stretch.

Another night we all got very drunk. At one point I was chatting to Lara's husband, I turned to my DH who was talking to Lara. That's when I felt it so completely, time kept passing and it felt like they were oblivious to everyone else. Everything went into slow motion, it felt torturous. I was looking at them and it felt like watching a movie suddenly figuring it out all. I then turned back to Lara's husband and he raised his eyebrows at me. We were all very drunk so I don't trust mf assessment of the evening at all.

I honestly have never felt my instincts so riled up. I can't explain it. The logical part of my brain is telling me I'm being paranoid and ridiculous yet I can't shake it.

I had a dream last night which was very detailed and drawn out. It was about a completely different set of circumstances but the message was crystal clear; everyone knows what's going on with your DH but you. When I woke up and looked at my DH I immediately thought that was about Lara (she wasn't even in the dream). I am rattled.

No. I feel this is crossing a line.

I remember asking my ex if there was anything going on that shouldn’t be (slightly different situation but the basics were the same). He just said no. But I knew he was lying. And there’s nowhere to go then

Under these circumstances, I wouldn’t hesitate

Why don’t you join this group, as you’re into fitness as well?

Great idea! His reaction will tell you everything.
Now whether to surprise him there or announce it in person...

I read this article today. It seems appropriate here unfortunately.

www.buzzfeed.com/pernellquilon/signs-people-are-having-sex?d_id=9645296&ref=bffbbuzzfeed&utm_source=dynamic&utm_campaign=bffbbuzzfeed&fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR5TgQy23d0gY_vfkRwD4b7yEkoeEQveMWHls40123v06cdZQcpAS7woIudpUA_aem_WWSy3So52m0tIOA3tgiB1g

Could you say something like “Lara and her husband are really nice aren’t they” and take it from there, gauging his response? It could then flow more organically into talking about them a bit more, see if he seems uncomfortable. I wouldn't go straight into asking if he ‘likes’ her.

If something is happening, you saying it isn’t going to change it. I don’t know how to stop a train like that.

I believe your instincts are right 100% telling you that something is not right, however it might not necessarily be Lara. It might be Stacey and Lara might know about it. Are you positively sure it’s her?

How long are you married?

I would trust your gut. And just say something like “I’ve noticed this weird kind of energy between you and Lara. Is there a problem there?” and take it from there.

You’ll have to work out the rest based on how he reacts, but if he starts trying to tell you you’re nuts, tell him you’re not the only one who has noticed something is a bit off, and that even if nothing has happened and it’s just attraction, you would rather shine a very bright light on it, because silence and darkness are where relationship problems fester and grow.

If he has half a brain, he will give it some thought and back off her before it can get any deeper. It might just be at the moment that they just share interests and he’s not fully admitted any attraction to himself. But this doesn’t get better by ignoring it to death.

He will list off three people sharing a lift then I'll say "isn't Lara going?" and he will say "oh yes, didn't I say her name?" but I don't buy it.
Could he have been throwing you off the scent? Find out by speaking to one of these people, preferably not Stacey.

So it was sort of a version of this which got me upset this weekend. When we met we both used to do this hobby and go to events. I became very ill and couldn't do anything much for a few years. I'm now recovered and have been working hard at my fitness. He is newly focused too.

This weekend he was signed up to an event. I was trying to get a babysitter organised and was planning to turn up and do the event (much slower than him) like we used to. It was to be a surprise.

Anyway it was a bit of a stupid idea that I hadn't planned properly but he didn't look too pleased at the prospect when I (had to due to logistics). Then it turned out he had organised free tickets for Lana, Stacey and another person and was car sharing. I ended up feeling upset and told him I felt like he was avoiding me, not coming to bed at the same time and things like that.

To be fair to him he suggested we do another event together, tried to organise a date for last night. But I can't shake the feeling.

That's how I feel - stopping a train. I think I need him to stop it himself. He's supposed to love me and I do believe he does.

No I don't think there is any vibe whatsoever between him and Stacey. She is very goodlooking but that's it.

I know you don’t want to check his phone but realistically if there is something going on it’s likely to be your proof.

You have reason for suspicion, which you have given here and the majority of us can see why you are uncomfortable. Our intuition is our sixth sense picking up on small tells and energy that we can’t consciously recognise.

You are not going to magically forget about this and you are going to tie yourself up in knots. Why not check on their chats and see if there are any boundaries being crossed? If not, your mind can be put to rest to some extent.

If you continue to feel uncomfortable after finding no proof on his phone, then maybe your first instinct is correct. No cheating but a crush that hasn’t been acted on. If that is the case I would raise it by saying ‘I’ve noticed you and Lara seem to click. I feel like you have a crush on each other and it makes me uncomfortable as other people seemed to have noticed too. You can’t help it if you do, and I trust you, but I wanted you to be aware that it doesn’t make me feel great.’ Hopefully shining the light on it will be enough to stop any fantasies that have built up.

Also to add when my friend was being cheated on her only clue was that her husband seemed to be avoiding her. She like you had a feeling about a colleague but no real reason why until she came across her husband’s messages. He was talking about leaving her for this OW

Many years ago my H had an emotional thing going with this young woman ( early 20s- he was 40) who worked for us very occasionally, but not around me. at the time it was happening I do remember her having what felt like an awkward meeting in the street one day and her clearly seeing me one day and crossing the road to avoid me - something made me check my Hs phone bill and I could see there were texts multiple times daily - and long texts too as it used to split them out beyond so many characters on bills. I did say something to H at the time, he went white Asa sheet and said its just arrangements for work coming up ( she was a tour assistant)

many years later I found a drawer stuffed full of songs and poems about her - plus recordings of him singing and playing them . He admitted to a crush but said it was all on him - my gut instinct unfortunately says it was more than that and she was involved - as I remember her weird behaviour to me at the time

trust your instinct OP - I hate to say it but I would be sneaking a look at his messaging if you can and his mobile bills - ( although it maybe they don’t text or phone but use WhatsApp etc ) . People don’t tell the truth if you ask - they go into self protection mode usually - otherwise known as lying. There may indeed be nothing going on but if there isn’t then he needs to stop making you feel like there is

I'm always in a minority when I say this on these threads but talk to your partner honestly. If he lies, you'll know. If there's nothing going on (yet) then he has a chance to make sure nothing else happens that would put your relationship at risk.

This might be a stupid idea, but if asked him about Stacey and say you felt a weird vibe and ask him if there is something going on with her. Say that she is stunningly beautiful.

Then if he says first ‘oh no she is not my type at all etc’ and laughs he should really be saying ‘I’m married and have no interest in anyone else’ first.

I'll always trust mine now.
Everyone called me paranoid for suspecting my husband. My parents thought i was losing my mind. I couldn't shake the feeling.
At the time I 1st suspected, I had nothing really other than a feeling. Those feelings grew over time and eventually I caught them both red handed.

I do remember years ago thinking he fancied her when we met.

It sounds as if you’re used to quashing your concerns. Why is that?

I agree. Even the husband raising his eyebrows, you keep minimising and explaining this away.

It wasn't really a concern. We met at a fitness hobby group. I was observing people in the group generally, who was married, who was friends. I knew he'd been dating. I vaguely wondered if he'd asked her out. Ages later I teased him about it and he said don't be stupid she's married to X. I hadn't met either of them properly at the time.

But I don't have an explanation. I was watching my DH and Lara. I turned around and saw her DH watching me with his eyebrows raised. We were all drunk, Lara especially.

What was it that set your senses off?

OK not a ‘concern’, let’s say ‘an observation’. Which he then quashed.

Are you looking for permission here to trust the multiple times you’ve had this feeling, or permission to continue ignoring it?

Well I wondered with passing interest if they'd dated (or if he'd tried to date her.) I thought she was single. I was scoping DH out as a potential boyfriend as he'd asked me out. Safe to assume he'd dated other people first. I wasn't going to ask him who at the time as what business was it of mine.

It was months or a couple of years later, I was talking to someone else when she walked by and mutual friend chatted briefly and introduced us. I remembered back to the early dating days and out of curiosity when I was talking to now DH later and asked if she was an ex if his. He said no of course not, she's been married for years.

I don't see what the big deal is about any of that.