Instincts are there for a reason

[Honeymare]

I've heard instincts are there to protect us. But what if instincts are ALL you're going on? I don't honestly consider myself very intuitive anyway, I tend to make cautious, logical assesments over time.

My DH has a long time fitness hobby. He's gotten very serious about it again recently and is training very regularly with a group, of mixed sexes. The training is not strange. We are both into fitness (different things) and have ramped things up recently.

Something about the dynamic between him and another woman in the group is making the hair stand up on the back of my neck - Lara. Lara is also married. Lara is friendly to me. I've never seen anything untoward between them.

But when we are in a group it feels like the air is charged between my DH and Lara, like they don't see anyone else and they keep gravitating towards each other.

We were all out in a group the other day and I felt the same even though they didn't sit beside each other or speak more than anyone else. There was another woman Stacey from the group and she seemed to be squirming. In my mind I was inventing Stacey's thought process of "this is so uncomfortable seeing his wife and DC here after what I'm witnessing with this other pair." I don't actually know Stacey either (stunning looking and if I was to be jealous of anyone it should be her but I'm not) so I have no idea if she's just quiet or was actually feeling uncomfortable around DH and Lara. It is an extreme stretch.

Another night we all got very drunk. At one point I was chatting to Lara's husband, I turned to my DH who was talking to Lara. That's when I felt it so completely, time kept passing and it felt like they were oblivious to everyone else. Everything went into slow motion, it felt torturous. I was looking at them and it felt like watching a movie suddenly figuring it out all. I then turned back to Lara's husband and he raised his eyebrows at me. We were all very drunk so I don't trust mf assessment of the evening at all.

I honestly have never felt my instincts so riled up. I can't explain it. The logical part of my brain is telling me I'm being paranoid and ridiculous yet I can't shake it.

I had a dream last night which was very detailed and drawn out. It was about a completely different set of circumstances but the message was crystal clear; everyone knows what's going on with your DH but you. When I woke up and looked at my DH I immediately thought that was about Lara (she wasn't even in the dream). I am rattled.

It's so weird isn't it, an invisible energy shift. I feel absolutely certain there is more to this but I don't think he has acted on this. And I'm hopeful now that he has copped on about the road he was heading down.

My thinking now is that I wasn't imagining things but he's cleared his head and had a bit of a wake-the-f-up moment. I obviously don't have a crystal ball but if I had to guess I think he realised he was being a dick, that I'm not a fool and he has been indulging a crush but it needs to stop.
@Honeymare

I hope you're right op and it's not that he thought he was nearly caught so he better behave and act normal at home for a bit to put you off the scent.
Only time will tell but I wouldn't be able relax yet if it was me.

Sorry @Honeymare I know that isn't what you want to hear but I've rtwt and with each post saw yet more information that seemed to suggest something going on.

Your instincts have been right, I hope this gives you confidence in yourself.

Truthfully I won't be able to until some time has passed and I realise that I'm not worried about it anymore.

I don't think this would be his strategy. He'd be more likely to behave like a prick and go deep into the "I've done nothing, she's controlling, I can't even have friends" hole of justification. I honestly believe he did some thinking.

Yes that's true, and also we're all a bunch of strangers with our own bias, but you know him the best and you've shown your instincts have been trustworthy, I'm really rooting for you op!

Could you not ask him? I would want to have the open discussion. If he's had a think and realised he doesn't want to risk his marriage over a crush, then great - but would it not feel more secure for both of you to have an honest conversation about it? I think all the attempted mind reading is not going to lead to a place of renewed trust and comfort. Talk to each other!

I hope it is the case he has come to his senses. Maybe at some point this week when it’s calm you can sit down and have a discussion. Otherwise your accusation is sitting between you without a clear resolution. If he has really thought about it all I would want to know. After all his main argument for why nothing is going on is because she is married…not because he is!

Tell him he doesn’t need to say anything but you want him to know how you feel. You feel there is an energy towards Lara that you haven’t seen in his other friendships and from what you have observed other people have noticed this too. You accept it’s normal to have a crush from time to time and it’s not something that a person can control but what he can control is his behaviour and not putting himself in positions which will deepen this crush or give it more room to grow. You trust him to do the right thing, and if anything has or is going to happen between them you hope that he would respect you enough to tell you and end your relationship first.

After this discussion, any inappropriate interactions cannot be put down to a mistake, and is a conscious decision to break up. Then ask him if he has anything he wants to say.

Hopefully this will give him enough of a sense check. Either he says nothing but accepts what you have said as a warning, or he tells you he honestly doesn’t have a crush and reassures you. Alternatively he tells you his feelings for her are deeper than you thought.

How long have you been together ?

Just under ten years