Leaving almost 19 year old daughter 2 nights a week.

[Hartey40]

So I leave my daughter 2 nights a week to stay at my partners. She is welcome to come too but prefers to stay at my/her home, he works in hospitality local to where he lives and finishes late so not practical for him to stay at mine, there is no issue with this arrangement, other than that I have mum guilt, does anyone else do this ? She starts university in Sept and she will be living 5 hours away, so maybe I’m emotional about that too. Please be kind with your opinions.

Your Daughter is an adult you need to get on with your own life.

Nah, I get you. I was living with a mate at 18, yadda yadda, but that’s different to being alone in the family house, and so is being at university ( as a pp said) surrounded by other students.
I think it’s hard and you feel guilty because you’re (assuming) a lone mum and have been for a while? Also if they don’t have siblings it could be a bit lonely.
I was basically independent from 16 ( clubbing , getting myself home at 3 am etc) but I don’t think I ever spent a night alone in my parents house!
But you are not doing anything wrong, and it’s great your daughter can fend for herself .

Perfectly fine. It will give her a bit of independence.

I would think it’s good for her. As you say she will be going away to uni in September so this way she is getting used to being away from you and fending for herself a couple of nights a week so it won’t come as such as shock in September - for both of you.

She probably loves having the house to herself!

If you were there 24/7 I think it might get a bit much for two grown women. One special night together a week, or whatever ‘you two’ is and the rest doesn’t matter x

I was a nanny looking after a five year old and newborn, as well as doing all the house work, laundry and cooking when I was 19. I think your daughter will probably manage.

Mum guilt wtf? She’s a grown adult. I moved out at 18.

But you only need to communicate with HER, in the main, surely? Is it that you're worried that dad doens't know you're in a relationship with someone and you feel HE'LL be judgemental that she's on her own?

There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty unless she has expressly said she wishes you wouldn't spend so much time over at this fella''s house. I mean, if she was saying to you "I'm not going to be here that much longer, it would have been nice to spend some time with you" and you're ignoring that need of hers then yes, you're a bit out of order really.

But most 19 year olds would be thrilled to get rid of their parents out of the house a couple of days a week. It's an easy practice for them at living away from parents. Cos they're still safe and comfortable in their own surroundings, just not got mummy or daddy at their beck and call. These days actual communication ie phone etc is so much easier, if she needs any help with anything "what setting does the washing machine go on?" or whatever she can just text or call you.

If it made you feel better you could just ask her....tell her how you feel and ask her how SHE feels. And tell her to be honest. And you promise not to feel hurt if she says she loves being on her own. 😜

Get a grip OP (said nicely).

She is almost 19 and at university soon.

I second this, my son loves having the house to himself. It'll help her prepare for being away from you when she goes to uni OP.

Ok, Rockerfeller.

I think it’s a really gentle way to ease her into independence.

I think that I would judge you more if you put your life on hold and didn’t give her space.

Where on earth did you get a mortgage at 19 or younger?

Guessing you’re possibly quite old? Not so easy these days.

You are not a bad parent!

Honestly those 2 nights are probably the best days of her week 😂
We all love our own space.

More importantly you’re teaching her independence in a gradual way.
When it’s time for her to move out she’ll be much more equipped to deal with it.

I was homeless with a baby at her age.

You are a good mum and you deserve to have a life too.

She's 19 not 9 for Christ's sake!

You got a baby and taught her through all her stages of life. She's done so well that she's flying. Be so proud that she's flying!
It's so very difficult to let go of your girl. I dread that day too.
You cant protect them from everything....but promise that you will always be there for her.

My 19yo daughter is living alone at university 100 miles away.

She probably prefers to be on her own those nights.

I loved my parent-free nights especially from age 16 up, so much less emotional nerdiness to deal with 🙈

She’ll have her own little routine she enjoys and it’ll set her up for living alone.

Times have certainly changed a bit but not long ago it was normal to leave home at 18, and 16 before that.

My son was married at 19, his wife was 17.
I am not saying this was deal but...

I get you! my DS turned 18 during the first lockdown. He had always stayed at my mums round the corner from our house when DH and I went away - in fact I persuaded him to stay there to look after her the first time we did it when the UK opened up again! He was 19. He is happy having the house to himself these days and has proved himself 100% reliable with everything so far. DH and I are going on a mega cruise in the next couple of years so he will be home alone for 2 weeks. He regularly stays alone for one or two nights- loves it he works full time and gets himself up and out to work. He has autism and can be naive and trusting but has blossomed since starting work. Has a big circle of sensible friends and a trusted uncle's phone number 10 mins away for any 'disaster scenario'
You have to let them fly! back in the day he would have walked out of the front door and left it wide open but he's proved himself and is meticulous about locking the door as he leaves.
Agree we did everything younger in my generation- I rented a flat at 18 and was independent yet always had the bank of mum and dad security. I was rubbish at budgeting- DS has saved 90% of his minimum wage job for nearly 3 yrs! It's his 'house deposit' he told me so we don't charge him rent or board.

He always say he loves the peace and quiet when we go away I think DH and I are a bit too loud for him (normal talking volume TV fairly low!) We get politely asked to keep the noise down at times

I mean she’s 19, not 9 , she’s an adult not a child. Surely she’ll be going out and doing her own stuff? People are married with kids and houses at 19.

Some 19 year olds even live by themselves, maybe she feels a liltte smothered so wants the peace?

She’s 19. As long as there’s no SEN of course she should be fine being left two (or even 7) nights a week! She’s an adult.

At 19 I was living half way across the world nannying for a 3yo.

Stop the mum guilt and enjoy!