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Original poster

After a failed 3 year relationship where I was led to believe we were building a future together, I am not so guarded that I want to wait to have sex until marriage for my next relationship. I am concerned about my success...

113 replies

SadTexanChick · 13/05/2025 04:15

After a failed 3 year relationship where I was led to believe we were building a future together, I am NOW so guarded that I want to wait to have sex until marriage for my next relationship. I am concerned about my success...

I am 33 years old and I am on a timeline.

My relationship ended about 2 weeks ago so I am giving myself like a month or so to heal, but I do plan on jumping into the dating world by the end of the summer and I will it make it very clear that I want a proposal, engagement, marriage within the next 12-15 months, and then a family in 2 years or so (that is not so strict, but I definitely am not dating for more than 1 year or so without a proposal and marriage soon after at this point).

I also do not want to have sex with any other man unless he's my husband/soul mate/life partner. This last relationship was my 3rd one, and all 3 of my relationships were long term (3+ years) and I really thought "that guy" was the one. So at this point, I just want to wait until we're married for sex. And if we're on the same page as far as timelines go, I don't think waiting 12 months for sex is an impossible task for an adult to accomplish.

OP posts:
Springtime43 · 13/05/2025 14:40

"Let go and trust" was the best advice i was given. In other words, have faith that life will sort itself out. And it did !!!

GarlicPile · 13/05/2025 15:15

Maybe one of the reasons it didn't work out between you was because you weren't having enough sex.
Do you actually enjoy sex?

I'd soon stop enjoying sex with a man who treated it as me "taking care of his needs", @MissScarletInTheBallroom.

Just seen a male Redditor's comment that "Female desire has a hair trigger on/off switch controlled almost entirely by the words that come out of our mouths." Truth!

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 13/05/2025 15:33

GarlicPile · 13/05/2025 15:15

Maybe one of the reasons it didn't work out between you was because you weren't having enough sex.
Do you actually enjoy sex?

I'd soon stop enjoying sex with a man who treated it as me "taking care of his needs", @MissScarletInTheBallroom.

Just seen a male Redditor's comment that "Female desire has a hair trigger on/off switch controlled almost entirely by the words that come out of our mouths." Truth!

I don't disagree.

I think that one of the things the OP needs to be looking for is man she actually really enjoys having sex with. And having a no sex before marriage rule isn't going to help with that.

Sweetlicks · 13/05/2025 16:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
SadTexanChick · 13/05/2025 17:21

Worriedsickmostofthetime · 13/05/2025 14:17

At the age of 33 I would be prepared to wait 5 years with the RIGHT man. But the RIGHT man wouldn’t want you to wait 5 years.

You need to raise your standards and change your perspective on what sex is in a relationship.

I wish more women would realize that their power in a relationship lies in their confidence in knowing that they do not need to be in a relationship to be happy. A man is terrified of a women who won’t put up with nonsense and is prepared to rather do life on her own that accept less than she deserves. The rotten eggs will sort themselves out this way and you won’t waste more time than necessary on them.

Freeze your eggs lady.

Edited
Show quote history

That's what I did. I told him MY needs weren't being met, he couldn't name a single need of mine that he wasn't meeting, so I told him that I value my happiness and he wasn't doing it for me.

His lack of enthusiasm at spending our lives together just threw me a curve ball. After 3 years, he didn't even want to move in together officially, even though I was over at his place every weekend. His family was calling me his wife in public and he was ok with that, but then when I ask for a ring, it was every excuse in the book as to why he didn't want to get me a ring.

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 13/05/2025 19:52

ImaginedCorners · 13/05/2025 08:02

But that’s a completely different situation. You’d both been living celibate lives until your thirties, which suggests a mutually low sex drive, or at least that you were prepared to live as virgins on religious grounds well into adulthood. Respectfully, I don’t think your priorities reflect most people’s, or that it’s much help as a guide for the OP, who doesn’t share your anti-sex religious beliefs.

Show quote history

Christianity is absolutely not anti sex. Have you read the Bible!!?? Try Song of Soloman for example.
There was definitely no low sex drive either. I actually think that getting married without having had sex before meant we remained in the' honeymoon period' throughout having our 3 children who we had within 3.5 years and meant our sex life remained healthy at a point where many couples stop.
I actually think that people would save themselves a huge amount of heartache if they actually only slept with men who have made some sort of a commitment to them. I agree with OP that if they are getting everything they need without commitment, what advantage is it to them to get married?

PashaMinaMio · 13/05/2025 19:54

AsanteSana · 13/05/2025 04:33

Proposal, engagement and marriage within such a short time frame is a recipe for disaster! 12 - 15 months is far too short a period to really get to know whether or not you and another are the right 'fit', are truly compatible or have a genuinely sustainable future together. And do you really think that a month is sufficient time to 'heal' from a broken 3 year relationship?

Honestly, it sounds rushed, desperate and pure fantasy - you are setting yourself up for bitter disappointment and I seriously doubt that any man, other than those for whom it is a religious or cultural norm, would be prepared to go along with it.

And if you do find that unicorn, marry, and then find that the sex is rubbish it will be too late...

Sorry to be harsh, but think seriously about all of this.

This has nailed it in shed loads.
Good luck OP!

ImaginedCorners · 13/05/2025 19:56

vdbfamily · 13/05/2025 19:52

Christianity is absolutely not anti sex. Have you read the Bible!!?? Try Song of Soloman for example.
There was definitely no low sex drive either. I actually think that getting married without having had sex before meant we remained in the' honeymoon period' throughout having our 3 children who we had within 3.5 years and meant our sex life remained healthy at a point where many couples stop.
I actually think that people would save themselves a huge amount of heartache if they actually only slept with men who have made some sort of a commitment to them. I agree with OP that if they are getting everything they need without commitment, what advantage is it to them to get married?

Show quote history

Of course I’ve read the Bible. I grew up in a very devout family in a very devout society. Christianity is profoundly anti-body, particularly anti- women’s bodies, unless ‘pure’ and dedicated to childbearing, and one sexy book of the OT isn’t going to change that. And your decision to treat access to your vagina as a ‘reward’ for male commitment is depressing and reactionary.

Springtime43 · 13/05/2025 19:58

I actually think that getting married without having had sex before meant we remained in the' honeymoon period' throughout having our 3 children who we had within 3.5 years and meant our sex life remained healthy at a point where many couples stop.
I actually think that people would save themselves a huge amount of heartache if they actually only slept with men who have made some sort of a commitment to them. I agree with OP that if they are getting everything they need without commitment, what advantage is it to them to get married?

Our grandmothers would give similar advice, and dating/getting married seemed a lot less complicated in those days

Orangemintcream · 13/05/2025 20:00

I see why you feel the way you do after the last 3 years.

But kindly - you are bonkers. No one is going to wait a year for sex.

Not to mention - other intimacy aside I wouldn’t marry a man I’d not even had sex with.

You also can’t dictate how fast someone else falls in love.

You can be can say you are looking to date with the view to a committed relationship as you want to start a family but you wont necessarily find someone on the same page for that either.

Unfortunately for you and many other women men don’t have a biological clock - many do not want marriage or children but don’t say this as then their sex and house cleaning service would pack up and leave.

Concentrate on finding the right one with serious commitment in mind but don’t try to force someone to know early on what exactly they want.

ImaginedCorners · 13/05/2025 20:05

Springtime43 · 13/05/2025 19:58

I actually think that getting married without having had sex before meant we remained in the' honeymoon period' throughout having our 3 children who we had within 3.5 years and meant our sex life remained healthy at a point where many couples stop.
I actually think that people would save themselves a huge amount of heartache if they actually only slept with men who have made some sort of a commitment to them. I agree with OP that if they are getting everything they need without commitment, what advantage is it to them to get married?

Our grandmothers would give similar advice, and dating/getting married seemed a lot less complicated in those days

But it’s pure luck that you don’t end up discovering, on your wedding night, that you’re married to someone with whom you are sexually incompatibile, who is impotent, whose sexuality centres around some kink you find a total turn off, who is selfish in bed etc. I mean, I’m glad that turned out not to be the case for @vdbfamily but it’s a big risk that you take by not having sex before marriage. There’s a sense in which you only get to know aspects of a person when you sleep with them.

vdbfamily · 13/05/2025 20:18

ImaginedCorners · 13/05/2025 20:05

But it’s pure luck that you don’t end up discovering, on your wedding night, that you’re married to someone with whom you are sexually incompatibile, who is impotent, whose sexuality centres around some kink you find a total turn off, who is selfish in bed etc. I mean, I’m glad that turned out not to be the case for @vdbfamily but it’s a big risk that you take by not having sex before marriage. There’s a sense in which you only get to know aspects of a person when you sleep with them.

Show quote history

I kind of get there is a risk but the advantage is that you basically just spend life learning how to please each other. You do not compare what you have to other relationships. I think kinks may be slightly less likely in people who have not had lots of sex. ( maybe not) You can have a close physical relationship without sex and I certainly knew he was not going to be impotent!!

GarlicPile · 13/05/2025 20:48

Our grandmothers would give similar advice

The Pill became available to unmarried women in 1967, thank all the deities and Edwin Brooks MP. Women born in 1948 would have been 19 that year. Prior to that, condoms were of course widely available.

Dating was only simpler in that online didn't yet exist! People met through friends, at dances etc, and there were pages & pages of lonely hearts ads in the papers.

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