After a failed 3 year relationship where I was led to believe we were building a future together, I am not so guarded that I want to wait to have sex until marriage for my next relationship. I am concerned about my success...

[SadTexanChick]

After a failed 3 year relationship where I was led to believe we were building a future together, I am NOW so guarded that I want to wait to have sex until marriage for my next relationship. I am concerned about my success...

I am 33 years old and I am on a timeline.

My relationship ended about 2 weeks ago so I am giving myself like a month or so to heal, but I do plan on jumping into the dating world by the end of the summer and I will it make it very clear that I want a proposal, engagement, marriage within the next 12-15 months, and then a family in 2 years or so (that is not so strict, but I definitely am not dating for more than 1 year or so without a proposal and marriage soon after at this point).

I also do not want to have sex with any other man unless he's my husband/soul mate/life partner. This last relationship was my 3rd one, and all 3 of my relationships were long term (3+ years) and I really thought "that guy" was the one. So at this point, I just want to wait until we're married for sex. And if we're on the same page as far as timelines go, I don't think waiting 12 months for sex is an impossible task for an adult to accomplish.

your whole “finding a husband” thing is a bit ick. Sorry.

OP, respectfully, because you’re clearly very hurt, do you really think reverting to 1950s norms about ‘no sex till there’s a ring on my finger’ is going to guarantee you commitment? I’ve been married for forever, but I always slept with everyone asap, because I didn’t want to fall for someone and discover we were sexually incompatible. I slept with DH on our first date. Bargaining with sex as a ‘reward’ for formal commitment is a mug’s game, and doesn’t work.

I met DH when we were both early 30's. We were both Christians, had not had sex previously and were clear we would wait until married. We married within a year of meeting and just had our 23rd anniversary. It was very clear we were sexually attracted without actually having sex. I do think that part of the reason men do not commit to relationships these days is that they do not need to. If a man really really loved his partner but had to marry her before they could have sex, it does somehow focus the mind on whether this relationship is one you want for life or just convenient for the moment. Good luck Op. It is not impossible but I think you need to be up front about it so that you find someone like minded

Unless you are religious and the other person is too, most people will perceive no sex before marriage as weird. And any man who is waiting for marriage for religious reasons is probably going to want a partner who shares his religious beliefs and has also waited, not someone who has already had three partners but just doesn't want to have sex with him until she has a ring on her finger. Most men will also want to make sure you are sexually compatible before committing to a lifetime with you.

I really empathise with you, being in your 30s and feeling that yet another man has just wasted your time must be awful. But saying no sex before marriage is not the answer and will make it harder for you to find someone and get married in time to start a family, not easier.

I would suggest using a more niche dating website if you can find one that applies to you.

Yes, there are loads of men on Tinder just looking for sex, but if you try something like Gluten-Free Singles* you're more likely to find someone who is looking for a proper relationship in my experience.

There are so many people on Tinder that a lot of people get FOMO and want to keep looking for something better. With the smaller website it's obvious that there is a limited pool.

*Replace gluten-free with whatever niche thing you are into.

Woah!

Do not put so much pressure on yourself, or your next potential partner. Why the rigid timeline?

To be honest, if I was on a date with a man and he outlined a timeline like yours, I run for the hills. Surely it would be better to focus on meeting the right person than ticking a milestones?

Well I sort of did this. When I met DH I had had plenty of sex. He knew this , I still didn't sleep with him until 6- 8 weeksish. I told him this upfront framed it as I wanted it to be special and meaningful not just a random shag. The marriage thing.....well I was young and foolish, if I had my time again I wouldn't have lived togeher for so long and got a mortgage without a proposal, but you may be more successful than me OP. Good luck.

But that’s a completely different situation. You’d both been living celibate lives until your thirties, which suggests a mutually low sex drive, or at least that you were prepared to live as virgins on religious grounds well into adulthood. Respectfully, I don’t think your priorities reflect most people’s, or that it’s much help as a guide for the OP, who doesn’t share your anti-sex religious beliefs.

Waiting 6-8 weeks is very different to waiting a year and being married though.

@SadTexanChick Here's a different perspective.

After years of relentless Tinder matches and never having a relationship lasting more than two weeks, my BIL met a woman in her early 30s who I am fairly certain was "on a timeline" like you.

He was about to turn 30, had many many notches on his bedpost, but no relationship experience, and had decided it was time for him to grow up and have a serious relationship with a serious woman.

The woman he met seemed to fit the bill. She seemed like a real grown up, with impressive academics, a proper well paid career, already a home owner in a major city, good relationship with her parents and siblings, very clear that she wanted marriage and a family within a short time.

He no doubt found her attractive because he had never struggled to attract women and although he had had a lot of casual sex with a lot of more conventionally attractive women, I am sure he would not have chosen to marry someone he found unattractive.

They were engaged within the year, married six months later, she got pregnant on their honeymoon and they now have three children. On paper it has worked out well.

In reality she is an absolute nightmare who has ruined various important family relationships and our relationship with BIL is very strained as a result of her behaviour. In hindsight, I think there were various behavioural red flags even before they got married, which he either missed or chose to ignore. And now the family is stuck with her forever because she is the mother of his three children. I don't believe he can really be happy with her but he probably feels at the moment that getting divorced would be worse than remaining married to her.

I completely understand that women in their 30s have a limited window of time in which to meet a man, get married and have children naturally. At the same time, I would always discourage men (and women, for that matter) from marrying and having children with someone they have known for so little time. It's just not long enough to work out whether you will be compatible in the long run.

In your position I would look into freezing your eggs (or even creating and freezing embryos with donor sperm) and relax your dating requirements.

Maybe you'll meet someone and it will all work out. Maybe you won't. But you can't force it. Some things just aren't within our control.

For balance, I also know a woman who met her husband at 38 and went on to have three children naturally, and I also have a close friend who met her partner at 35 and has struggled with her fertility but is now pregnant with an IVF baby.

If you are attractive and fun to be around, then I reckon you could pull off being up front about marriage and babies. It isn’t particularly unusual for men and women to want those things. The no sex bit on top of that is quite a big ask in this day and age.

As PP has said. Freeze your eggs now. This may provide a little bit of security and relieve some pressure on yourself.

Even with the best will (and timeline!!) in the world, I don't think you can ever really know for sure that something will last forever and ever and ever. This is just something you have to accept. It could go tits up for many reasons.

It's a balance of risk vs. reward. And that balance is very personal.

The older I get the more I think that what people promise each other is rediculous. The only thing I am able to promise is that I will be honest. That's it.

But even then, Add to that peoples' capacity for deception is absolutely breathtaking. And before everyone comes at me with "my husband would never..." Take a look at all the women who said the same and they found their husbands never nevering in a way that they never nevered before 🤷🏼‍♀️

You weigh up the risk, decide if it's worth it, and go for it or not...

When I met my husband it was love at first sight for both of us (neither of us were actively looking having both recently left relationships), We were living together after 2 months, engaged after 6 months, had our first child 14 months after meeting and our 2nd 11 months after that. Nearly 20
years on and we are as happy as we have ever been, so the timeline is possible if you meet the right person. I don’t think you approach would work though, you need to live together and experience intimacy in order to know if your truly compatible. I would also imagine most men would run a mile when presented with your proposal

… At what point do you think you’re going to share your timeline with the lucky new man? Just so he has time to leg it.

Contrary to what others say, I’ve met plenty of (non religious) men willing to wait a year to have sex. (Met and started dating in real life though, not online dating)

It makes perfect sense to me to wait to have sex, but enforcing the arbitrary rule that you can only have sex after proposal/marriage seems silly. You always see religious young couples rushing into marriage in essence out of horniness. That’s not the right basis for deciding to marry

Right you’re two weeks out of a relationship so let’s take a step back and a deep breath.

Most men who wait till marriage are religious ones. Most of them want to shag, so marry young - I knew a lot of people like when I was younger as some of my family are really really religious. So, you could convert and try your luck, but I don’t think that’s a great idea.

Waiting for marriage might be a bit extreme, but I’ve always waited for commitment to have sex with someone. I’ve never had sex with someone who’s not my boyfriend. I think you could do that. For me it’s not a moral thing or anything like that, it’s just I need to really know someone first.

I think the best thing for you to do right now is 1) chill, relax, take a mini break, have some you time and 2) if you are really worried about kids, look into freezing your eggs.

A friend of mine ended up divorcing because her DH (now ex) waited until after the wedding to tell her he didn't want kids. They'd been together several years and kids were a joint plan. She dated but didn't find anyone. So she decided to go it alone and now has a beautiful DC. Not always easy but she couldn't be happier.

To start off being in a sexless relationship sounds like a recipe for disaster. Relationships are supposed to be fun too, not just a bunch of rules and time frames. I also don't think it's quite realistic to think that the reason your 3 year relationship ended was because he just wanted you for sex. Nobody stays with a woman for 3 years because they are just after sex. He just didn't feel you were compatible any longer. Leaving at that point is the right thing to do. It sounds like you want to trap someone with marriage and kids rather than live in a happy and healthy relationship.

I agree with the gist of what you say but your first sentence is totally wrong and hyperbolic imo. I’ve waited for a proper connection in most of my relationships and that has been way more fun, meaningful and intimate than anything. Obviously as you say it should be based on both side’s feelings, not just random rules and timeframes. Been there done that with the super horny off the bat relationships in my teens and early twenties btw, can’t say I miss that

Yes, you are right. There could be sexual desire and excitement without having sex. I think not having sex for two years, or however long it takes before they get married, alongside the rigidness of the OPs plan just makes it sound so clinical and joyless. It's also very limiting when it comes to meeting somebody. Men who wants to have sex within the first 3 or 6 months of being together are not automatically not serious about you, it kind of is just the norm and has been for a very long time.

Not to mention most religious men would be married at 33 or older unless they are a bit strange or have some reason- for example being in education forever like my SIL's fiancee

I think it sounds very prescriptive and like you're (understandably given it was so recent) very affected by your last relationship still which isn't a great place to find a new one from.

Having said that I'm all for a very thorough investigation of potential red flags. Maybe take a look at the burned haystack method of dating?

If the chemistry is right, how on earth will you stop yourselves having sex? I understand waiting a bit but a whole year of enforced celibacy with someone you really fancy sounds like torture.

Time is irrelevant though, I was with my ex for 23 years before he opted out of the relationship.
I also think that asking someone to commit to marriage within a year and family within 2 years is crazy - you don't even fully know a person by then, and putting these pressures on makes it more likely to fail in the long term in my opinion.
If it's about wanting kids, go to a sperm bank - single parenting is far easier than parenting through a relationship breakdown and less harmful to the kid(s).