After a failed 3 year relationship where I was led to believe we were building a future together, I am not so guarded that I want to wait to have sex until marriage for my next relationship. I am concerned about my success...

[SadTexanChick]

After a failed 3 year relationship where I was led to believe we were building a future together, I am NOW so guarded that I want to wait to have sex until marriage for my next relationship. I am concerned about my success...

I am 33 years old and I am on a timeline.

My relationship ended about 2 weeks ago so I am giving myself like a month or so to heal, but I do plan on jumping into the dating world by the end of the summer and I will it make it very clear that I want a proposal, engagement, marriage within the next 12-15 months, and then a family in 2 years or so (that is not so strict, but I definitely am not dating for more than 1 year or so without a proposal and marriage soon after at this point).

I also do not want to have sex with any other man unless he's my husband/soul mate/life partner. This last relationship was my 3rd one, and all 3 of my relationships were long term (3+ years) and I really thought "that guy" was the one. So at this point, I just want to wait until we're married for sex. And if we're on the same page as far as timelines go, I don't think waiting 12 months for sex is an impossible task for an adult to accomplish.

Hmm. It’s hard enough to sift through all the no hopers on dating sites without restricting the pool in this way.
Also good that you now know exactly what you want so can sift quickly!
There was a man in here who wanted to date with the same intention. Finding someone young enough to quickly have his babies. He got a hard time on here but the consensus was that as long as he was very clear in his profile he might find someone with the same intentions.
You just need to find that rare man AND like him enough to do this.
Shame that modern dating isn’t really set up for people like you. Would help if you were religious or from an arranged marriage culture.
Plus you’re making it very clear that you think sex is a gift from a woman to a man and not something you just want for yourself. That will definitely cut the pool down quickly!

I’ve enjoyed reading the comments here as it’s completely normal and possible in some cultures and religions. OP you will likely need to step away from Western culture to achieve this. Good luck!

You're going to have to convert to some religion or other because there's about 0.0000001% chance you'll meet a man who's ok with this and not massively religious. I'm an atheist woman and there's no way I'd have a relationship with no sex.

Well, I think if you've already had sex, not a lot of guys will agree to being the one that you withhold sex from, when you've happily had sex with other men. A lot of them are probably going to question why them, and not the other men you've been with.
The effectiveness of waiting until marriage works better if you'd done this from day one. You weed out a lot of shitty men by denying them sex without commitment - speaking from experience here.

It's great that you are raising your standards, I'm just not sure how it'll go for you. Good luck!

Just to give you another perspective, I would never marry someone who I hadn’t lived with for a couple of years and who I hadn’t had enough sex with to be sure that we were compatible.

You were together 3 years- he wasn't just after sex! Sometimes relationships end, no matter how people's intention started out. You can withhold sex for years, you can get married within 15 months and still end up getting divorced and splitting up. Marriage doesn't protect you against being broken up with.

There's a difference between being unsure about what they want and being unsure whether they want to marry YOU at 6 months in. Pressuring a man to commit to you before the relationship is stable is bonkers.

Won't you miss the sex?

Having had lots of friends in their 30s who were dating, I can tell you that this sort of attitude would get all men running. Especially the kind normal ones.
You need to relax, have some fun, be fun and take it as it comes at the beginning of relationships.

It's not unreasonable to want a serious relationship and children. Many men want that too. But they might not be certain within a year that you are the one they want to be married to, especially if you refuse to have sex.

I would not agree to set up home with someone if I didn't know we were compatible in bed, but a year may not long enough to see how they deal with life's challenges and so on - or for them to see how you do.

Honestly I think you’d be ruled out by most people immediately if you go about it like this. You simply do not know someone well enough after a year to be sure you want to spend the rest of your life with them or have a child with them.

That's terrible advice. It's fine to focus on having fun if you're not interested in getting into a serious relationship or 15 years old, but if you are a 33 year old looking to settle down, it's not a guy who's only interested in having fun you want to date.

My 30 year old SIL is orthodox jewish and she is engaged to a guy from an orthodox jewish family who is so strict about kosher they order groceries from a kosher supermarket in another city as their city doesn't have a kosher supermarket.

They aren't married and live together (lived together in Israel as well and I remember one of my SIL's flatmate ads included a preference for flatmate to be shabbat respectful aka not use their phone visibly on saturday). They now live together with his religious parents.

So if an orthodox Jewish girl couldn't keep to the no sex before marriage (though i do admit this isnt usual for people of that background and my family is unusual), I am not sure how someone who isn't from such a strict religion is going to justify it.

I had a rule when I was 21 where I wouldn't have sex until I was sure there were plans for a marriage down the line.

I managed 3 months before we had sex. I did marry him a year later (and we are still married 10 years on). But am not sure there was any link.

Why is it terrible advice? The chances are you're not going to meet Mr Perfect immediately, but if you don't enjoy the journey, you probably never will.

I hate to tell you, but they don’t change as they get older.

I don't agree. When I look at my friends almost all of them were taking things as they come when they met their long-term partners. I absolutely wasn't interested in a serious relationship when I met DH. I remember thinking let's enjoy each others company and see what happens. 25 years later it worked out well. I didn't sleep with him for a few weeks though so I don't necessarily mean that sort of fun!
Being prescriptive at the beginning of a relationship will make many many decent men run away.

I was very honest from the outset with my now husband when we met in our late 20s that I wanted marriage and children further down the line and if they aren’t things he wanted then let’s not do this. He’s said later he found it really refreshing that I was so straightforward, we are still together 20+ years on and lucky to have two amazing children.

I have given up on dating not sure where OP is going to find this man. You’re lucky if they’ll commit to a coffee these days. World of dating is weird now.

I met the multiple dater type and he was a nuts, didnt tell me he was dating multiple women until one them started sending me nasty messages. I stupidly got reactive when I look at it now what a lot of nonsense over a complete loser. Makes
me cringe now.

I'd agree about broadening your social life rather than relying on the apps alone, and being clear in your profile.

I do think this has disaster written all over it I'm afraid but I know women who have done this. One of them isn't even divorced.

If I started seeing someone who gave me a strict timeline I would sprint for the hills.

I'd think you just want a baby, and don't care too much about your potential partner.

@SadTexanChick as others have said this is bonkers and a recipe for divorce and unchosen single parenthood. I’m only a bit younger than you and my husband and I are planning to ttc within the next year or so - if my marriage ended tomorrow I would be straight to the sperm bank, have my babies on my own and worry about a partner later

You might have success by looking for a slightly older divorced man, who already has children, and a motive of finding a new wife to help him look after them on his time.