After a failed 3 year relationship where I was led to believe we were building a future together, I am not so guarded that I want to wait to have sex until marriage for my next relationship. I am concerned about my success...

[SadTexanChick]

After a failed 3 year relationship where I was led to believe we were building a future together, I am NOW so guarded that I want to wait to have sex until marriage for my next relationship. I am concerned about my success...

I am 33 years old and I am on a timeline.

My relationship ended about 2 weeks ago so I am giving myself like a month or so to heal, but I do plan on jumping into the dating world by the end of the summer and I will it make it very clear that I want a proposal, engagement, marriage within the next 12-15 months, and then a family in 2 years or so (that is not so strict, but I definitely am not dating for more than 1 year or so without a proposal and marriage soon after at this point).

I also do not want to have sex with any other man unless he's my husband/soul mate/life partner. This last relationship was my 3rd one, and all 3 of my relationships were long term (3+ years) and I really thought "that guy" was the one. So at this point, I just want to wait until we're married for sex. And if we're on the same page as far as timelines go, I don't think waiting 12 months for sex is an impossible task for an adult to accomplish.

No way will this happen. I’m really sorry, OP. But I can’t imagine anyone successfully pulling this off, as it looks a bit needy and weird.
And knowing the dating scene as I do, no man will wait a year for sex. I’m not sure he should either! It screams of using him to make babies.
I hope I’m wrong and I wish you luck with it!

What happens if you are not compatible in bed ?
I know somethings can be worked on but you have to have similar desires.
Are you going to live with person for a year before getting married?
If not , you won't know the real them .
If you are then expecting someone to not have any sexual desires for a year is unfair .

Proposal, engagement and marriage within such a short time frame is a recipe for disaster! 12 - 15 months is far too short a period to really get to know whether or not you and another are the right 'fit', are truly compatible or have a genuinely sustainable future together. And do you really think that a month is sufficient time to 'heal' from a broken 3 year relationship?

Honestly, it sounds rushed, desperate and pure fantasy - you are setting yourself up for bitter disappointment and I seriously doubt that any man, other than those for whom it is a religious or cultural norm, would be prepared to go along with it.

And if you do find that unicorn, marry, and then find that the sex is rubbish it will be too late...

Sorry to be harsh, but think seriously about all of this.

To be perfectly honest you expect what you want does not mean you will get it, so how long will you try the experiment for? but success it an odd way to word it I think people are not like picking the correct numbers in lottery they would have to have you list of requirements

Sorry, OP, but this is extremely prescriptive. If you lay out this plan to any man soon after meeting them, they’ll run a mile.

Well good luck with that. I expect most people will run a mile. I know I would if I was dating! Its fine and sensible to have standards but most people wont want to be dictated to by someone they hardly know. And the no sex thing will be a deal breaker for most people I would have thought, unless religious.

We can be intimate in other ways that does not end up in sex. I just don't want to be mislead again only because he wants the sex. I think that's what happened in my last relationship.

I think it’s ok to let potential partners know that you are dating for marriage and a family ie you are clear on what you want out of life in the longer term so as to avoid any uncertainty

But I think being so prescriptive in terms of time frames you may chase away those very men who have the same desires as it makes things transactional

I just feel like at 33 years old, I don't want to waste my time with men who are "unsure" about what they want by 6 months and they are nearing 40 years old. Like come on dude!!!!

Do you honstly think you will get it?

This is very true. I think right now the breakup and my ex are very fresh so in my mind, its all laid out like a plan to make the hurt and waiting period seem less dauting.

I will obviously be nicer about what I want when the right man comes along lol. But I will not beat around the bush. Marriage, kids, family. No compromise! Lol

I’ve used dating sites and I feel I must warn you that it’s a difficult way of meeting Mr Right. Those sites are full of dodgy men who just want sex. Some are married, many are multiple daters, and many are just on the site for casual dating.

I suggest instead of using dating sites, you broaden your social life. Join some clubs, take up activities and different interests. You will have a much better chance of meeting someone genuine that way.

Rethink your ideas about sex. Sex is a big part of a relationship and you need to make sure you are compatible.

You are right. I have relied on dating apps for my last 2/3 relationships and they were not good after the first year. I am over the dating apps TBH.

I am taking up horse back riding and dancing to find a hobby of my own. Also will spend more time at the gym. The pressure of finding a husband and starting a family is really starting to bring me down so I think in my head I am making all these extremes to soothe the pain.

Perhaps if you took some time out to think about why or where the pressure is coming from to find a husband and have a family you might not make a rash decision.

There are many oaths to a happy life. You are deciding only one will do. It’s almost a guaranteed method for failure.

The pressure is coming from family, society, and myself. My friends are all married or engaged and have kids. My little sister has a loving boyfriend and I wish her the best but this is pressure for me, and I too want to be married and have kids myself. I get teary eyed thinking about that dream, or if I see a child with a mama, I always pray I get to experience that sort of love one day... I can do that with adoption too, ideally with a hubby, but doesn't have to be sigh lol

So famiy are saying to you that you have to get married? Tell them to stop

Otherwise i can only swe the pressure coming from yourself just because others are does not mean you have too

You need to enjoy the journey. If you focus so much on the destination you may end up disappointed. I too wanted marriage and kids and the pretty picture I created in my mind.
I met my soul mate but infertility was the baggage we carried. It nearly destroyed me and us and without the strong relationship foundation we would not have survived and I would have been left without a marriage and children. I am grateful today that I at least have my husband because I’m not sure I would be happy with neither. Life isn’t transactional.

Relationship experts recommend a 3 month wait before sex as to give the couple a chance to get to know each other well without the cloud of sex inhibiting getting to know the deeper you. However I agree that jumping into marriage without knowing if you are sexually compatible is a risk.
The other recommendation is that it takes on average 2 years and 3 months for the rose coloured glasses come off and you have had a chance to see your partner in all sorts of situations and pressure points.
Marriage is hard enough with someone you know and love deeply.
Good luck op.

I'm sorry you've been hurt, OP. I agree with pps, you can't engineer life and love to a schedule. Do you want to also be happy?

I mean, you can have a plan but it’ll evolve as soon as it touches real life situations. You already thought the last three were the one for a good while each which teaches you how hard it is to predict these things. I agree this is probably just a step for getting yourself through the current heartache and that you’ll have to take the next guy(s) as you find them. Course you can talk about your hopes and expectations, but feelings will be involved and who knows, you may actually want sex too, it’s not just something men want from women. Whoever you ultimately marry and have kids with will be their own person and hopefully an equal partner so you can’t control everything. If it takes you longer than your timeline to open yourself up fully, then that’s what you need. If the priority is having kids, that’s a different plan.

Maybe plan how you would have a child solo if that's what you want. Would take the pressure off having to find a man.

Also perhaps focus less on the plan. Take some time out for yourself to enjoy life without a man. Often life falls into place organically when it is least expected and you are not following an agenda.

Would joining a church group help? I am not religious but I know people who are and are lovely and they take marriage very seriously in a good way.

Hi op I got married in 12 months and these are the reasons why I think it happened:

1. I met the kindest most unusually old fashioned man I'd ever met. His core self made me fall for him (he is not perfect but his soul is).

1. We were both mid thirties and wanted something serious and to start a family. This was a crucial part of it all.

1. My husband had been very ill before we met and decided when he nearly died before we met he wanted to get married and have kids... then he met me.

1. We got engaged and had a wedding date set before we moved in after 6 months. This was important to me as I didn't want to dilly dally about.

1. We did sleep together after about the third date and our sex life has always been very good.

It is possible. We have our ups and downs l don't think any relationship is perfect but we work on it.

That was meant to say 1. To 5.!