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Original poster

How would you interpret this?

94 replies

Gardenwithtea · 12/05/2025 10:21

Today is DC 8th birthday. DC is at school, and will get home at 3.15.

Parent 1 is self employed, has appointments all day and will get home at 4.30/5. None of these appointments are essential, they could be scheduled on other days.

Parent 2 said as parent 1 left "DC will be sad you're not home after school". Parent 1 was upset and said "thanks for that, that's made me feel really shit".

Was parent 2 being unkind with what they said, or was it just a passing remark.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gardenwithtea · 12/05/2025 10:22

I've only posted parent 1/2 and DC as I'm trying to make the scenario as unbiased as possible. It's quite obvious who is who and who I am probably but hey, it's Mumsnet.

OP posts:

KidsDoBetter · 12/05/2025 10:24

Parent 2 is being a dick. It’s a birthday ffs.

KidsDoBetter · 12/05/2025 10:24

Getting home at 4.30/5 is very early. It’s fine.

Coffeislife · 12/05/2025 10:28

Are the dc used to having both parents home in their birthday ? I don't think it's a big deal. Is parent 2 usually malicious ? It could very just be innocent and parent 1 feeling defensive with work family balance.

Original poster

Gardenwithtea · 12/05/2025 10:36

Parent 1's business is based at home. Both parents are normally home after school, parent 1 is not maybe 20% of the time at most. 2 is not a malicious person.

I don't want anyone to be a dick, I'm just trying to understand.

OP posts:

FrequenciesDetected · 12/05/2025 10:37

Parent 1 is a dick. They knew their child's birthday, they could have made arrangements to pick up or at least be home for the child's birthday. Parent 2 was advocating for the child and reminding a perhaps thoughtless OR neurodivergent parent of something that may not seem significant to them.
But the way they turned on Parent 2 makes me think there is a pattern of them being mean and dismissive then playing the victim whenever Parent 2 tries to assert boundaries or expresses their feelings. Parent 1 should have wanted to be home or pick them up from their own initiative and love for the child, what parent wouldn't if they could? A selfish parent? A parent that doesn't care? A parent that would rather avoid and escape family life for any excuse?

The key points are that they are self employed with unimportant appointments that from the start could have booked differently, and self employed people are normally good at managing their diary. A parent involved in their child's life knows when their birthday is and how a young child gets excited about it.

Parent 2 is probably often gaslit and made to feel like they are too sensitive and asking for too much. Sadly I know this pattern as evident by my response!

Original poster

Gardenwithtea · 12/05/2025 10:38

And yep, sorry, both parents would normally be home for DC birthday. But DC is getting to the age where that is less needed. DC is at an awkward age with school friendships so their birthday celebrations have been very low key this year.

OP posts:

TwistedWonder · 12/05/2025 10:39

Parent 2 is being ridiculous and OTT, it’s an hour ffs

Sidebeforeself · 12/05/2025 10:40

Perspective! Both parents will be there eventually to celebrate. It’s a special day for DC . Don’t spoil it by bickering over petty things that do not matter.

FrequenciesDetected · 12/05/2025 10:41

Gardenwithtea · 12/05/2025 10:38

Exactly, so they need all the fuss and affirmative celebration of this birthday, not more of acting like it's just another day. They need to feel important and that includes parent making changes to their routine to show the day matters.
We all have other crap and chores that need doing but you know when your child's birthday is and you do your best to give them a good day.

SilverButton · 12/05/2025 10:42

Parent 1 is in the wrong and should not have scheduled the non essential meetings on DC's birthday, but it's silly to describe the comment as a "passing remark". It was clearly a criticism of parent 1. I'm not saying that Parent 1 doesn't deserve to be criticised, but Parent 2 needs to own their comment.

Taylorsversion · 12/05/2025 10:45

Parent 2's passive aggressive comment is OTT and unpleasant. Does parent 1 know if these appointment could actually be made on different days? Being self employed means following what customer/client wants even if you think it is not 'essential' that something is done that day.

If Parent 1 is normally there for the child (and your updates suggest they are) I do not see why there was a need for a guilt trip by Parent 2

GentlemanJay · 12/05/2025 10:45

The world doesn’t stop because it’s someone’s birthday. Being precious and rubbing it in isn’t helpful.

Comedycook · 12/05/2025 10:46

I'd say parent number two was being unreasonable. Parents one has work to do. Even if it's not urgent and can be rescheduled, I wouldn't reschedule for a birthday and they'll be home in the afternoon anyway...I've never known a child feel sad because one parent is not there as soon as they get in from school on their birthday. It's perfectly normal for at least one parent to be busy at work.

Original poster

Gardenwithtea · 12/05/2025 10:57

I'm parent 2, mum. Parent 1 is my DH.

It's not the time, or even the fact he's out that's the issue. It was his reply, "thanks for making me feel shit". I don't think I did. Maybe if I'm honest there was a tiniest hint of PA in my comment, but it was more from a place of sadness.

DC will be a bit sad, but they will be fine. It just means a bit less fuss can be made of them. Only cake, candles singing and speaking to grandparents. And again, if I'm honest, it means a lot to me because it's all I've got to do.

I am an accidental sahm at the moment, although I am in the last few months of studying with many urgent deadlines approaching. DH played golf Sunday, and he's away golfing Fri/sat/sun. And he's just told me he's playing golf all day Wed.

OP posts:

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 12/05/2025 10:58

Parent 2 was being a dick to say that DC ‘would be sad’ and I am not surprised at the response.

PerfectPlace · 12/05/2025 10:59

Parent 2 was being passive aggressive and there was no need for it. They will be home less than 2 hours after the child is home from school. It might have been nice for parent 1 to not schedule appointments to be able to be home earlier but they’ll still be home by 5 so it doesn’t really matter.

Comedycook · 12/05/2025 11:00

As a sahm, it wouldn't even occur to me that my dh should be at home on a weekday birthday....my dc never felt sad. Maybe because he's self employed you're more used to him being around and flexible? But I don't think in most families, a working parent would take the afternoon off to be at home in these circumstances.

Gonk123 · 12/05/2025 11:01

So normally both parents are there and yet a birthday and parent 1 not gonna be there. I would think of all days to be there the birthday would be the day to be there. Also, if problems at school with friends etc, then I think it might be low key with friends but even more reason to both be there to make it special for as much of the day as possible. That being said 4.30 is probably only gonna be a shorty one after getting back home from school and having drink and snack so not the worst either.

Original poster

Gardenwithtea · 12/05/2025 11:01

There's probably some truth in what you say @FrequenciesDetected. I've mainly stopped saying much because whatever I say isn't heard or valued and everything I do is background noise.

OP posts:

giddyauntie123 · 12/05/2025 11:01

I think parent 2 sounds a little bit childish/disempowered. Have an adult conversation not a passive aggressive one

TwentyKittens · 12/05/2025 11:02

Parent 2 was being a passive aggressive arsehole, and my guess is that it's parent 2 who has decided parent 1's appointments can be rescheduled.

What the fuck does it matter if Parent 1 is an hour later, parent 2 needs to stop being so precious.

TwistedWonder · 12/05/2025 11:02

It’s obvious you’re parent 2 without your update.

I do think you were being passive agressive and his response was appropriate to your comment.

However it sounds like there’s a bigger issue in your relationship you both need to deal with rather than weaponising your child’s birthday to make a point.

Original poster

Gardenwithtea · 12/05/2025 11:03

giddyauntie123 · 12/05/2025 11:01

I think parent 2 sounds a little bit childish/disempowered. Have an adult conversation not a passive aggressive one

Disempowered, yes.

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 12/05/2025 11:04

I don't understand why the birthday celebrations couldn't start at 4.30/5 when parent 1 got home. I think parent 2 was deliberately trying to make parent 1 feel bad, which was spiteful of them.

Unnecessary drama and bad feeling caused by parent 2.

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