How would you interpret this?

[Gardenwithtea]

Today is DC 8th birthday. DC is at school, and will get home at 3.15.

Parent 1 is self employed, has appointments all day and will get home at 4.30/5. None of these appointments are essential, they could be scheduled on other days.

Parent 2 said as parent 1 left "DC will be sad you're not home after school". Parent 1 was upset and said "thanks for that, that's made me feel really shit".

Was parent 2 being unkind with what they said, or was it just a passing remark.

Appreciate Parent 1 could have thought of it themselves but if I was Parent 2 I would have been more direct and asked late last week or over the weekend

'Would it be possible to be home after school on Monday as DC would appreicate it and so would I...'

So weird how some threads turn into a pile on. You're only 8 once. Your dad is normally home but on your birthday, which is already a bit shit because you've had to go to school and you don't feel happy or comfortable there because friendship situations are knocking your self esteem, he decides to not be home. That's going to feel shit! He will be sad! Sounds like you have deeper issues OP but your DH should feel guilty, probably does and that's why he snapped at you. I'm sorry everyone has stuck the boot in, arseholes.

Honestly, can't work out if thie is serious or sarcastic....if it's serious, then is it a special birthday though or just a birthday ? He'll be back about an hour after the DC gets in from school. It's a non issue. There's nothing to regret. My DH was working on countless children's birthdays...he came home from work like normal. It's not one of his life's regrets.

Parent 2 is absolutely in the wrong here, massively.

Kindly, but like you say, this thread isn’t about your circumstances or the situation you find yourself in at present. Though it will have some bearing on how you reacted to Parent 1 and he to you.
Mumsnet can only comment on what was asked because we don’t have the back story or context. I just think that children pick up on these vibes, so in the interest of the family and the Birthday celebrations, try to put a positive spin on it and leave the rest for another day.

I agree.

Children all over the world manage to have birthdays even when their parents work. You are being ridiculously dramatic.

If I look back over my life and being an hour later for my child’s 8th birthday is up there on the list of regrets then I’ll be pretty pleased!

it’s a non issue. People have to work (and yes even self employed people might decide that clients are important)

imagine his post (as a woman to get mn on side)

” I’m the sole earner which wasn’t really planned but it’s how it is. I’m stressed and working hard, feeling the responsibility to keep earning and self employed, so nothing is secure. My husband had a go at me as my meetings mean I won’t be home until 4.30’on my child’s birthday. He said it would make them sad. It’s made me feel really shitty but he’s not interested “

My advice - apologise to Parent 1 for passive aggressive remark and reflect that you should have openly asked could you agree to both be there at pick up.

Potentially reflect how lucky you are that your child(ren) have parents who are both normally there when they come in from school. I don't know anyone who has this luxury, so it's a great thing and overall will lead to a lot more positive memories of having a present mum and dad than one-offs like the father arriving at 5pm on the day of the 8th birthday rather than 3.15.... which seems fairly minor and unlikely to impact any child unless the other parent decides to turn it into a thing.

Birthday a non-issue except it's perhaps highlighted the main bone of contention - being a golf widow and the lack of parental input from hobby person that that entails

Without that background would you have even thought about it?

It's only an hour.

Wait until both parents are home before candles, cake and singing.

No need for the drama.

Passive aggression from parent 2. Bloody ridiculous comment. Many children’s parents will be working until 6 ish

Its quite passive towards parent 1, there self employeed. So i assume if these appointments could be rescheduled , its because there either new client appointments or follow ups....again these appointments scheduled will bring in streams of income to pay the family bills next month or a month later....so they are important......
Your being dramatic and passive!

Yes. And the only earner is out-earning, and going to be back before many working adults are in order to celebrate.

Your comment was designed to make them feel shit, otherwise you'd have just said something neutral like "what sort of time can you be back by? We'll wait to start the celebrations obviously". Of course he bit back.

Then take child to the park for an hour, or for an ice cream or something special before heading home for celebrations.

It was quite obvious you were parent number 2.

'ridiculously dramatic' for saying it's a bit shit?! Pot kettle much 😂 OP has said her kid is sensitive.

You posted as you wanted people to side with you and make you feel better about your shitty passive response about your partner this morning. Youve realised it was shitty and uncalled for.
So your now in victim mode.

Bit dramatic & mean of parent 2 to say this, it’s only an hour! I’m sure all will be fine!

"It's not the time, or even the fact he's out that's the issue. It was his reply, "thanks for making me feel shit". I don't think I did."

Unless you're psychic, how would you know? If your partner tells you they feel shit then believe them. And it pretty foreseeable that a comment like that would make someone who is away working when they might prefer to be at home listening to the radio and drinking coffee and baking.

Seems the real issue is the golf weekend tbh

This. It was a very passive aggressive thing to say. The parent going out to do errands certainly took it that way.

Both of you are being very silly or the marriage is in real trouble. In either event the parent who felt the weird need to criticize the other one for failing to be present bang at 3:30 to leap about and fuss over dc’s birthday is creating an unnecessary frenzy around the birthday. The party starts when the party starts. You are not teaching the child how to handle minor changes in plans or failures of expectations.

Many households across the land have to wait until long after 4.30pm on a working day, child's birthday.
Parent 2 doesn't know for certain that child will be upset, it's an hour, can Parent 2 not distract, take birthday child to the park or for an ice cream after school and then Parent 1 will be back not long after.

I wonder what Parent 2 is going to do when child has to sit GCSEs on and around child's 16th birthday if they are making such a fuss about an hour now?

Sounds like a load of nonsense and Parent 1 should have just rolled their eyes and said "it's only an hour"

i think it worth mentioning you’re choosing to play golf 3-4 DAYS this week- you could so easily choose to be home when dc gets home from school on their birthday, but you’d rather do your appts on their birthday so you can prioritise the golf. That is more than a bit shit of you so i hope you do feel a bit shit about it. Do you think I don’t notice this? Can you imagine a universe where I wasn’t there for their birthday because I’d rather dedicate 3 full days that week for a hobby? I hope you learn to show you care for dc more than this before they start seeing it too.

That’s what I’d say to him.

The only earner is spending entire days that week on their hobby though. Choosing not to go out earning. Except on their child’s birthday.

Some people work in hospitals, public services, military etc and have to miss birthdays/Christmas etc. It's an hour of the day.