How would you interpret this?

[Gardenwithtea]

Today is DC 8th birthday. DC is at school, and will get home at 3.15.

Parent 1 is self employed, has appointments all day and will get home at 4.30/5. None of these appointments are essential, they could be scheduled on other days.

Parent 2 said as parent 1 left "DC will be sad you're not home after school". Parent 1 was upset and said "thanks for that, that's made me feel really shit".

Was parent 2 being unkind with what they said, or was it just a passing remark.

You're also calling everyone arseholes! 🙄

Parent 2 said as parent 1 left "DC will be sad you're not home after school"

That was manipulative and passive aggressive. You shouldn't have said that.

Parent 1 was upset and said "thanks for that, that's made me feel really shit"
I am not surprised they were upset and they probably did feel shit.

I don't see what the issue is. It's not like parent 1 booked meetings until 9pm. He was going to be home between 4.30 and 5.
If someone is self-employed they have to take work as and when they can and yes, perhaps the meetings could have been scheduled for a different day but perhaps the clients didn't have time on other days.

All you had to do is tell the child that their Dad would be home at x time to celebrate their birthday with them.

My Dad was never home before 6pm, ever, because he was self-employed and we needed the money. I always had great birthdays. I got presents and cards in the morning and I can't remember what happened after school but I do remember great birthday parties which were celebrated on the nearest Saturday.

You are making this issue into a big thing when it isn't, but it does sound like there's a lot more to this.

Yes, you were unkind and very passive aggressive in this instance. You really didn't need to say anything, and it will have made your husband feel shit, as was the intention.
But... The golfing sounds absolutely ridiculous. Is he always out so much? Do you have a hobby that takes up a similar amount of time / money?

So I do think you were unreasonable but I think your problems are a bit bigger than just this birthday, I'm afraid. I hope you're okay OP and I hope your child has a lovely birthday!

Come on, don’t be a drama llama. I’m sure my parents don’t remember what happened the day of my 8th birthday between the hours of 3pm-4.30pm lol. He’s not missing a big birthday celebration, he’s coming home from work at a time that most parents would be, earlier even

Parent 2 was trying to guilt Parent 1 in a passive aggressive way.

Parent 1 had appointments. OP says they could have been done on another day, but that's not always how that works. If 1 had appointments moved, then there goes another work day or a golf day. He's the sole breadwinner and he's self employed, he's probably grinding hard at work and I wouldn't judge him for taking a couple recharge days here and there. Now if he's golfing that often every week, yeah, a talk about time and hobbies needs to be had. It sounds like you're becoming really resentful @Gardenwithtea , and maybe it's time to address that openly instead of with passive aggressive guilt trips. You said you're in your last months of studies, good luck with those.

I think it was fine for 1 to come home an hour after birthday kid's school. Birthday parties usually are only a couple hours, I think it's unreasonable expecting the entire day to center around the kid.

Well yeah that was ott, just such a sweep in on the poor woman when she just loves her sensitive kid and was feeling a bit down!

Why will your child be sad? It’s one hour! By the time they get home, chat about their day, get changed out of their uniform etc…it just won’t matter.

Maybe how inessential the meetings are is debatable. This tension and drama is worse for dc than missing an hour of one parents company.

Kindly, there is no obvious reason why cake and candles can't wait until your DH gets home, and then nobody is missing out on anything. And you can manage your child's expectations by saying how much their dad is looking forward to getting home from his meeting so he can sing happy birthday.

If you fetch them from school with a 'such a shame daddy couldn't be here, but we'll have fun regardless', you're framing the child to be disappointed. So don't. If they're going to take cues from you, make them positive, and keep any discussion of the woulda, coulda shoulda sort until another time.

There are clearly other issues between you and your DH, but you can choose to set that aside for your child's birthday.

Thanks to those with advice. I would never talk down DH to my DC, ever. That it what both of my parents did to me. As far as DC is concerned it's BAU and we're just cracking on with their birthday. Of course we will wait for DH.

This was never about my DC. It was about the exchange between DH and I.

I think the key thing here is that both parents are usually home when DC get in, and as the appointments could have been made another day, its a bit shit that parent 1 decided that of all the days to not be there, it was their childs birthday.
Parent 2 was a little passive agressive in the comment, but I think it was somewhat justified, especially as parent 1 seems able to take an entire day off for golf on wednesday and sod off all weekend aswell playing golf. Priorities seems a little skewed.
So what that other families don't usually have 2 parents home on their childs birthday when they get in from school. Most families don't have 2 parents home ANY day when their child gets in from school, but this one does. So to not be there on that 1 day of the year, when it was quite possible to do so, was a bit weird to be honest.

DH said you made him feel like shit. You say I don’t think I did… just my view but it doesn’t work like that. How people feel is how they feel and that should not be up for negotiation. Up to you but instead of leaving him with that feeling, or risk there being an atmosphere later why not text DH and apologise for making him feel like shit, that you didn’t mean to and hope later be a good day. If there is more going on with you feeling disempowered, save that for now and discuss properly at a different time.

So don't use your children as a tool to guilt trip your husband with!!

Parent 1 was upset and said "thanks for that, that's made me feel really shit".

My interpretation of him saying you made him feel shit was because he already knew he was doing a shitty thing.

Totally different if he couldn't get out of work or he was always back later in the day, but he isn't. He is 80% of the time there after school.

Saying your child will be sad he isn't there - when he is basically nearly always there - is a reasonable thing to say to be honest. Especially as the work could have been done at any other time. He knew this, and so because he was already feeling guilty (but not enough to do something about it, clearly) he turned it on you. Classic defence mechanism. He jumped to the conclusion of being a shit parent, when you said nothing of the sort. So to justify his guilt, he simply made sure you felt shitty too.

@gardenwithteaWow. Just wow mumsnet.
I'm happy to admit my comment was out of order. But some of these responses?!
I am a person. I have a backstory. I have feelings.
Not that it's even what this thread is even about but up until recently I had a professional, well paid job but life had a different plan.
I posted on here because I wanted some advice. A friendly shoulder.

So this is really about you feeling bad that you are at home and not at work and you’re taking it out on DH? I suspect a good % of children in your DC’s class will either be at a childminders or after school club on their birthday before being home with their parents. And that’s absolutely fine and normal. You are creating a problem that doesn’t exist so that you can make your DH feel bad. You both need to talk, after you’ve celebrated your DC’s birthday.

Yup. You were being knob.
there was no need for that comment at all.

Your comment was manipulative and passive aggressive. Designed to guilt trip. Have you apologised to your spouse?

Its obvious that when OP lost her job she lost a lot of power and respect in the household. She objects to her dh’s golf schedule and freedom to make unilateral decisions and her only communicative strategy is passive agressive subrosa criticism by implication. He responded sharply to it.

Its not a good place to be in a relationship. Only you know, OP, whether he is being a jerk to you, neglecting you, pushing you around ir not. But you are using your child’s supposed disappointment as a manipulative tool to try to gain control over your dh.

This is a tactic of someone who feels weak in the relationship and unable to speak directly about what is bothering them. Is it because you are afraid of him, or because this sneaky approach is what you learned watching your own parents?

Shit remark. No need to be there at exactly after school time.