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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married man not happy in his relationship

143 replies

TheLimeQuail · 11/05/2025 21:49

I am seeing someone each week. they are trapped with kids and don’t like being in their relationship but feel obligated to stay. I like the company of this person but not going any further until I can figure out the truth. I know I have heard this story before and there is a chance that it is a lie. Even if it doesn’t lead to anything, what can I do to make them feel better?

OP posts:
CraneBeak · 11/05/2025 22:25

But even if every single thing he says is true (and I highly doubt it) - so what? If he's married, even unhappily, then he isn't at liberty to date. It doesn't actually matter whether he's with his wife because he worships the ground that she walks on or whether he's with his wife because he doesn't want to only see his children at weekends. The only thing that matters is that he does, in fact, have a wife.

TwistedWonder · 11/05/2025 22:29

CraneBeak · 11/05/2025 22:25

But even if every single thing he says is true (and I highly doubt it) - so what? If he's married, even unhappily, then he isn't at liberty to date. It doesn't actually matter whether he's with his wife because he worships the ground that she walks on or whether he's with his wife because he doesn't want to only see his children at weekends. The only thing that matters is that he does, in fact, have a wife.

Edited

Absolutely 💯 this.

Its a fair bet he’s lying but even if he’s miserable as sin in his marriage, he’s still a married man and therefore not someone to get involved with.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 11/05/2025 22:29

Oh God, let's play bullshit bingo shall we? 1 point for each of the following statements he has used so far:

  1. We don't even have sex anymore, it's more like flatmates cohabiting/I don't even fancy her anymore
  2. We're just staying together until the kids grow up
  3. We live separate lives, wife is already with someone else
  4. Wife doesn't understand me/too focused on children/too busy with work
  5. I'm just waiting for the right time to leave
  6. You're so different to wife, I've got such a strong connection with you
Come on op, whats the score? Please just stop and think, what are you getting out of this except someone else's lying, cheating rat?
Ticktockwatchclock · 11/05/2025 22:29

Stay away and stop stealing someone else’s husband. Find someone who is not in a relationship with anyone.

TinyTempest · 11/05/2025 22:31

The OP has done the 'Don't mention the sex Olympics', so might not be a man.

Either way, they're not your project so stay out of it.

Duckponddiana · 11/05/2025 22:36

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 11/05/2025 22:29

Oh God, let's play bullshit bingo shall we? 1 point for each of the following statements he has used so far:

  1. We don't even have sex anymore, it's more like flatmates cohabiting/I don't even fancy her anymore
  2. We're just staying together until the kids grow up
  3. We live separate lives, wife is already with someone else
  4. Wife doesn't understand me/too focused on children/too busy with work
  5. I'm just waiting for the right time to leave
  6. You're so different to wife, I've got such a strong connection with you
Come on op, whats the score? Please just stop and think, what are you getting out of this except someone else's lying, cheating rat?

Just brilliant !

I think I've heard all of those plus

  1. I wish I'd met you years ago, I would never have married my wife.
  2. Wife has 'let herself go' (whatever that means)
  3. If I get divorced she'll take the kids, car, lawnmower and half my pension.
  4. She's got too big for her boots
  5. She thinks more of the dog than me.
MidnightScroller · 11/05/2025 22:39

Make him feel better by not leading him to believe the grass is greener or there will be lovely women waiting to meet him if he leaves his family.
Make him realise his wife is the best person for him and he is the best man to father his children.
By staying out of their business.

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 11/05/2025 22:39

“Stop stealing someone’s husband” - whoever just said that, what utter nonsense. Can always rely on women to hate other women. Oh and people aren’t property; even people with a ring on their finger! They choose to stay or choose to stray and that’s life.

Anyway, onto your problem op. Even if you are managing to kid yourself on that you’re not doing anything wrong (no sex), you are clearly becoming emotionally attached. You have cast yourself as his saviour, and his wife as his prisoner - and he’ll be lapping up that narrative cos it makes him the hapless victim.

Here’s my advice, advice that I wish I had given myself when I was in a similar position. Stay away. Don’t stay away for him, or for his wife and children (really not your responsibility!), stay away for your own sake. You will get burned here, trust me. A man who tries to make a connection with someone else rather than facing up to - and either fixing or walking away from - the problems in the relationship will never leave the wife. He’ll string you along and ultimately end up staying because he’s too cowardly to leave.

Don’t get involved in the cycle of destruction. Walk away.

TwistedWonder · 11/05/2025 22:40

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 11/05/2025 22:29

Oh God, let's play bullshit bingo shall we? 1 point for each of the following statements he has used so far:

  1. We don't even have sex anymore, it's more like flatmates cohabiting/I don't even fancy her anymore
  2. We're just staying together until the kids grow up
  3. We live separate lives, wife is already with someone else
  4. Wife doesn't understand me/too focused on children/too busy with work
  5. I'm just waiting for the right time to leave
  6. You're so different to wife, I've got such a strong connection with you
Come on op, whats the score? Please just stop and think, what are you getting out of this except someone else's lying, cheating rat?

My bags met a bloke recently who told her they were only together because they didn’t want to upset the kids. So she asked how old kids were - 22 and 24 ffs

All full of the same shit

BatFeminist · 11/05/2025 22:44

To misquote the philosopher, Jimmy Nail:

he’s lying

TeenyTotAndTiny · 11/05/2025 22:47

Give your head a wobble! You’re just a free ride. He’s having his cake and eating it!

bombastix · 11/05/2025 22:51

This is one of the oldest stories a married man can tell a woman who is not his wife.

If you weren’t listening, it would be someone else. Good men don’t tell sob stories to shag you.

It’s a good trick to secure your emotional engagement and give your meet ups that extra zing. But more fool you if you think it’s any more than that.

Bestfootforward11 · 11/05/2025 22:52

You really need to back away from this. If he is not happy in his relationship, he needs to deal with that and not come to you with sad tales deliberately communicated to you to try draw you in. It is not your responsibility to find ways to make him happy. We are all responsible for own happiness. You say nothing has happened yet but the fact you are even thinking of things you can do to make him feel better seems to me to be going in the direction of something happening. You will give, he will take. He will be happy. You and his family- not so much.

Lighteningstrikes · 11/05/2025 22:53

Yawn

vodkaredbullgirl · 11/05/2025 22:55

That old yarn.

stayathomer · 11/05/2025 22:59

‘Trapped with kids’- so they’re staying with the person they married because they don’t want their kids’ life to fall apart. Let him and his wife figure out together how to end this as best they can. He needs to be a good parent now while figuring out what he wants from life and not dragging his wife or kids through hell

Delphiniumandlupins · 11/05/2025 23:05

How do you plan to find out the truth? Ask the wife who has trapped this poor, unhappy man with multiple children? You know he's a liar. Why do you think this is what you deserve?

mrlistersgelfbride · 11/05/2025 23:06

It's bollocks.
Apart from him being married and obviously a liar, if you swallow this he may well keep you dangling on for years by which time you'll have wasted a good chunk of your life on the bastard and you will also suffer.
Don't do it.

Nsky62 · 11/05/2025 23:16

Ask him to come back when divorced

DoYouReally · 11/05/2025 23:16

I think if you are this stupid, then go for it.

All assholes belong together snd his wife can do a hell of a lot better than this loser.

Agapornis · 11/05/2025 23:19

It's not your job to make a man feel better or fix him.

Never be the other woman. What makes you think he won't cheat on you too in the future?

Uberella · 11/05/2025 23:28

@Duckponddiana

The wife probably does think more of the dog than her husband…….dogs are far more loyal.

StevesLavaChicken · 11/05/2025 23:30

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Back completely off. Don’t be silly.

MyRedBear · 11/05/2025 23:31

Ahhh I bet the poor trapped man's wife doesn't understand him or he can't leave because of her bad mental health ,a full house if they sleep separately, same shit ,a tale as old as time.

ImaginedCorners · 11/05/2025 23:33

‘Make them feel better’? So you’re their service human? Wellness Co-ordination?

Why not send them on a spa day?

Or, you know, just keep well away and let them solve their own marital issues.