Man stayed over for the first time…

[taupeskies]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. I am not 100% sure about whether I can see a long term future with him, but he’s very different to men I’ve dated previously in that he’s very kind, emotionally available and seemingly honest.

He stayed over for the first time last night. Now bare in mind I haven’t lived with a man for a few years now since my divorce…

But this morning when he left I noticed he had left the towel he had used after the shower - on my bed, left his empty tea mug and water glass on the bedside table, and then I went downstairs and found he’d obviously taken his contact lenses out last night and left them on my coffee table. (I don’t wear lenses but these look like the kind you throw out after every use- I threw them out anyway!)

Am I being picky? I just can’t imagine staying at someone’s house and not at least taking my empty mugs downstairs, or throwing my lenses in the bin…

Thoughts?

Lazy arse!!!
He left his lenses on a coffee table 🤢

Yuck! He sounds grim! I’d tell him about all the things he didn’t clear away, give him one more chance and if no better … bin!

The lenses actually gave me the biggest ick! I have young children (they weren’t here this weekend) but the thought they could have put them in their mouth 😫

The contact lenses are grim. Towel a bit lazy, couldn’t get too upset over cups.

Gross
he sounds a bit gross
I wonder whether he saw it as a one off and now he’s got what he wants, he’s off

has he been in contact since?

and how was last night?!

Disgusting. I once stayed at someone’s first time, came out of shower to find a pile of his freshly harvested toenail clippings on the unmade bed. Was nearly sick. He got dumped.

Sounds like you're nitpicking because you're not into him. Yeah, those things are annoying but would you really be focused on it if you were on cloud nine after an amazing date?

@Parceliti don’t think so, he’s been very keen and messaging lots today to say what a great time he had etc, it’s not the first time we have slept together, but the first time he’s stayed at my house.

sounds like he made himself too at home. hate to think what his home is like 😳

It’s disrespectful and signals the roles he’s used to playing in life. If he can’t make an effort with basics like this on his first visit it’s not going to get better is it?

I wouldn’t bother with the feedback. Grown up men shouldn’t need coaching. Not a keeper.

I’m not a neat freak by any stretch but this would bother me as it just shows a lazy attitude and an entitlement that you’ll pick up after him.

If you like him, then tell him it bothered you. His actions afterwards will tell you what you need to know.

Gross.

Now’s the time to set up expectations. Next time he’s round just tell him, “can you take those cups down and pop them in the dishwasher”. If needs constant reminders you know what you’re in for

I don't bother about being constantly tidy but his first stay just leaving the towel on the bed isn't great.

What’s his house like OP? Is it clean and tidy when you go around? If it is, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and just jokingly ask if he can pick up after himself when he’s at yours and put his contacts in the bin and bring cups downstairs. Hopefully it was just a slip up this time and he will be embarassed and buck his ideas up next time

I think maybe you’re right 🤔

Sounds like every other centred self, man, not attractive once your eyes are open imo.
He's left that mess for you without thought because he's a man, and you're the woman. Your role is to tidy up after him now he's got his foot in the door, yuk.

That’s like leaving your eyes on the table

I’d message with ‘did you leave in a rush this morning’
Then you can reply how you assumed that was the reason he left the glass / cup and contacts. I’d be lighthearted but make a point at this stage. I wouldn’t make it a full on serious conversation…. Yet.
Until/unless he does it again. Then I would be speaking to him because it would irritate the shit out of me, someone leaving glasses and cups and expecting me to deal with them. But that’s me, and some people may not be bothered. Only you can decide it it’s a problem. But there is no way I’d do this at someone else’s house, especially the contact lens thing, absolutely not

I don’t know. I think it depends if you’ve had one of these before. My ex was one and I hated feeling like a maid, I’m now super-alert to it.

Talk to him about it.

It sounds like he's naturally untidy. That would annoy me, but if the man has other good qualities, I would mention it to him.

It kind of sounds like you're not that into him, anyway..........

This was him no doubt on his best behaviour

shudder at the thought of what he’s like after a few months or… years 😷

It just seems so disrespectful, especially the towel on the bed! As @TwistedWonder says, bring it up with him and see what his reaction is.

The damp towel would not work for me. Having with now DH started off not liking to be too clear, I would in retrospect mention them all to him. Lightly, without dwelling but honestly if he needs prompting more than once I’d throw him over and tell him why.

Boundaries, right there.

It’s far from the worst things he could have done. But if you do like him just ask him to bring his cups down next time, if he doesn’t do it automatically, and show him which bin is best for the contact lenses. If he doesn’t do this when shown then you know he’s lazy and not just unsure of norms in a new environment.
FWIW I would have brought the cups down and did when I stayed with my ex. If I forgot or I was rushing then he did. That’s not worth breaking up over.
Texting him about this will make you sound pretty unreasonable. See how he is next time.