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Original poster

Man stayed over for the first time…

99 replies

taupeskies · 11/05/2025 18:22

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. I am not 100% sure about whether I can see a long term future with him, but he’s very different to men I’ve dated previously in that he’s very kind, emotionally available and seemingly honest.

He stayed over for the first time last night. Now bare in mind I haven’t lived with a man for a few years now since my divorce…

But this morning when he left I noticed he had left the towel he had used after the shower - on my bed, left his empty tea mug and water glass on the bedside table, and then I went downstairs and found he’d obviously taken his contact lenses out last night and left them on my coffee table. (I don’t wear lenses but these look like the kind you throw out after every use- I threw them out anyway!)

Am I being picky? I just can’t imagine staying at someone’s house and not at least taking my empty mugs downstairs, or throwing my lenses in the bin…

Thoughts?

OP posts:
SparklyGlitterballs · 11/05/2025 19:23

I've just seen a quote on FB - "Always remember, someone's effort is a reflection of their interest in you".

Either that or he's a lazy arse who expects a woman to pick up after him.

FortyFacedFuckers · 11/05/2025 19:29

Have you stayed at his OP? What is his house like?

Havingasmashingtime · 11/05/2025 19:31

I thought you were talking about my ex until you mentioned contact lenses (he doesn’t wear them)

but all of that is gross and gives me major ick.

Lighteningstrikes · 11/05/2025 19:33

Hmmm I wouldn’t be impressed, but not a deal breaker. I’m sure you’ll train him when the times right 😁

Jacarandill · 11/05/2025 19:46

I don’t think it’s worth breaking up over tbh. I’m ashamed to say I’m a bit like this. It’s not that I’m lazy (far from it), I just sometimes don’t ‘see’ that it needs doing, if that makes sense?

I frequently leave cups by the side of the bed (not the towel thing as it makes the bed wet) and stuff lying around.

Obviously I eventually clean it up when I notice it, but if he was only there for one evening and he was distracted (!) then I can totally empathise with him not noticing.

Just giving a bit of perspective. I am female by the way.

ruddygreattiger · 11/05/2025 20:21

Is this supposed to be him on best behavior?
Sounds lazy and disrespectful to me, if you're not seeing this long term then this is a perfect time to call it quits.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 11/05/2025 20:53

I am sorry but leaving lenses on a coffee table is absolutely vile. Could he not have just put them straight in the bin?
As for the towel and cups, it’s just sheer entitlement. It’s your ‘job’ to pick them up!
He has truly shown who he is. Believe him!

VirgosNeedGoals · 11/05/2025 21:12

Wacqui · 11/05/2025 18:29

Sounds like you're nitpicking because you're not into him. Yeah, those things are annoying but would you really be focused on it if you were on cloud nine after an amazing date?

This. He is irritating you because deep down you know he isn't the one

Unijourney · 11/05/2025 22:40

The cups wouldn't bother me as he may have simply forgotten to take them when leaving the room.

However I agree, if you were into him,this wouldn't bother you.

CanadianJohn · 11/05/2025 22:58

It's a bit disrespectful, but if the guy lives alone, he is probably used to leaving his stuff around - planning to clean up the next time he is in that room. I live alone, and have developed the mantra "don't put it down, put it away" to avoid my house looking messy.

If you like him, as previous posters have said, you have to tell him your standards.

Original poster
taupeskies · 12/05/2025 06:44

Thanks all for your responses. I’m glad I’m not overreacting too much!

He does live alone, although has his children 50% of the time and I know he has a cleaner and he was married before this so not totally used to living like a slob, I don’t think!

I many of you are right though, if he was “the one” it wouldn’t faze me quite so much. I dated someone else a while back who I was besotted with (although he was an arsehole) and he would do similar (he was definitely lazy and entitled) and it didn’t really bother me at the time, but looking back I realise I want better than that now.

So I think it’s a combination of me now being more aware of my standards, and also me probably not being that into this new guy…

OP posts:
whitewineandsun · 12/05/2025 06:49

I would think he was acting way too comfortable in my home. You're already expected to clean up after him.

Nope.

Parcelit · 12/05/2025 06:49

Doesn’t live alone if he has his children 50% of the time!

Parcelit · 12/05/2025 06:49

Have you been to his?
stayed over?

Twiglets1 · 12/05/2025 06:54

It wouldn't bother me much.

My husband is messy but then so am I!

I admit that when I stay at other people's houses I do make an effort to be tidy though. I think you should just communicate with him that it felt a bit disrespectful to you. Hopefully he will get the message and be more mindful next time he stays. Unless you don't want him staying again as are having doubts about him in other ways too?

Original poster
taupeskies · 12/05/2025 07:01

Parcelit · 12/05/2025 06:49

Have you been to his?
stayed over?

No I haven’t. We’ve FaceTimed and I’ve seen his home on video/pics. Looks fine, like a typical home with young children I guess. But I didn’t get a close look at anything obviously to see what’s lurking beyond the surface 😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
taupeskies · 12/05/2025 07:03

Twiglets1 · 12/05/2025 06:54

It wouldn't bother me much.

My husband is messy but then so am I!

I admit that when I stay at other people's houses I do make an effort to be tidy though. I think you should just communicate with him that it felt a bit disrespectful to you. Hopefully he will get the message and be more mindful next time he stays. Unless you don't want him staying again as are having doubts about him in other ways too?

I’m a naturally messy person too but I make a real effort to keep my home tidy because I know it makes me happier to have things in order… and if I don’t keep on top of it, it only falls on me to sort it out anyway!

like you, if I stay at someone else’s house I go out of my way to be clean and tidy and leave things as I found them. I used to make ex-boyfriends bed (even though he never did this himself!) wash up in the morning before leaving etc…

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 12/05/2025 07:03

It’s disrespectful and signals the roles he’s used to playing in life. If he can’t make an effort with basics like this on his first visit it’s not going to get better is it?
I wouldn’t bother with the feedback. Grown up men shouldn’t need coaching. Not a keeper.

This!!!!!!

Parcelit · 12/05/2025 07:06

taupeskies · 12/05/2025 07:01

No I haven’t. We’ve FaceTimed and I’ve seen his home on video/pics. Looks fine, like a typical home with young children I guess. But I didn’t get a close look at anything obviously to see what’s lurking beyond the surface 😂😂

Show quote history

I bet behind the camera, it’s gross
His bed sheets… shudder

Parcelit · 12/05/2025 07:07

It’s the the fact that this will have been him on his absolute best behaviour that’s concerning

how was the night with him??!

Original poster
taupeskies · 12/05/2025 07:07

@Parcelit😂😂🫣🫣 Oh gosh! I think I’m going to resign myself to being single forever!!

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 12/05/2025 07:08

taupeskies · 12/05/2025 07:03

I’m a naturally messy person too but I make a real effort to keep my home tidy because I know it makes me happier to have things in order… and if I don’t keep on top of it, it only falls on me to sort it out anyway!

like you, if I stay at someone else’s house I go out of my way to be clean and tidy and leave things as I found them. I used to make ex-boyfriends bed (even though he never did this himself!) wash up in the morning before leaving etc…

Show quote history

Yeah I do make an effort at other people's houses because I know some are much tidier than me naturally. However, my husband isn't that tidy even at other people's houses, I think he just fails to notice things so I tidy up after him too when we're staying overnight with friends (not so much at home, I just tell him to clean his stuff up when it gets on my nerves).

He's a really good husband in other ways though. Does lots of jobs in the house, works hard and has always offered great emotional support to the children and me.

I don't think being a bit messy is that big a deal - people have far worse traits than that, in my opinion.

jubs15 · 12/05/2025 07:10

Whenever I've stayed at a partner's house there would be no trace of it, because I leave everything as I find it and clean/put away anything I've used. Without exception, no man who's stayed at mine has given me the same consideration. I think it's disrespectful, but it seems to be quite common.

Original poster
taupeskies · 12/05/2025 07:10

@ParcelitNight itself was fine. I’ve been very open with him about the fact I am wanting to take any new relationship slow as my priority is my children/work/myself.

He was understanding to this but then after a couple of drinks he kind of launched into a presentation which seemed to go on forever, essentially selling himself to me and stating what he wanted, going into minute detail about what a future could look like and why he saw us as a perfect fit. It all felt a bit heavy for me to be honest. I am looking for someone who I feel comfortable with, and I do with him, but also someone who makes me laugh and who I feel a spark with.. and I’m not sure I’m feeling it here. The used contact lenses on the table don’t help with that either 🤢.

OP posts:
Parcelit · 12/05/2025 08:45

taupeskies · 12/05/2025 07:10

@ParcelitNight itself was fine. I’ve been very open with him about the fact I am wanting to take any new relationship slow as my priority is my children/work/myself.

He was understanding to this but then after a couple of drinks he kind of launched into a presentation which seemed to go on forever, essentially selling himself to me and stating what he wanted, going into minute detail about what a future could look like and why he saw us as a perfect fit. It all felt a bit heavy for me to be honest. I am looking for someone who I feel comfortable with, and I do with him, but also someone who makes me laugh and who I feel a spark with.. and I’m not sure I’m feeling it here. The used contact lenses on the table don’t help with that either 🤢.

Oh goodness op
this man really isn’t the one for you