Man stayed over for the first time…

[taupeskies]

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. I am not 100% sure about whether I can see a long term future with him, but he’s very different to men I’ve dated previously in that he’s very kind, emotionally available and seemingly honest.

He stayed over for the first time last night. Now bare in mind I haven’t lived with a man for a few years now since my divorce…

But this morning when he left I noticed he had left the towel he had used after the shower - on my bed, left his empty tea mug and water glass on the bedside table, and then I went downstairs and found he’d obviously taken his contact lenses out last night and left them on my coffee table. (I don’t wear lenses but these look like the kind you throw out after every use- I threw them out anyway!)

Am I being picky? I just can’t imagine staying at someone’s house and not at least taking my empty mugs downstairs, or throwing my lenses in the bin…

Thoughts?

Have you actually asked him why he left that stuff there?

Huh?

So you want OP to say (on his FIRST VISIT):

“Hey, last night was amazing. Just wondering - why did you leave your empty mug on the bedside table?”

That’s batshit, even for MN 😂

Whatever you say.

My dad always says that if things are hard in the beginning when things are supposed to be fun and easy and you're all loved up, how will it be when LIFE gets actually hard?

As a somewhat untidy person myself, I can sort of sympathise with the cup by the bed in a "just forgot" kind of way (although I just spent a weekend staying with friends and I made ac onscious effort ot tidy up the bedroom before I left....), but the contact lenses means he honestly just doesn't think it's an issue. Which means, at best, you're incompatible. And at worst, he honestly think sit's someone else's job to tidy up. Right now, he's trying to impress you and he's STILL failing? What happens when he stops trying?

Well sorry, but if a guy picked me up on not bringing my mug downstairs after he’d brought me tea in bed after a night of sex on my very first visit to his house I’d think he was obsessive and uptight and would probably bin him.

He left a wet towel on the bed and used contact lenses on the living room table, don't you find that disrespectful?

If you were in a passionate, sublime, enjoyable situation with him I doubt him forgetting a mug or his contact lenses would be a problem. You could just say, I don't like that don't do it again and have another excellent session of sex.

But if you are not that into him...then it is annoying you because his good points don't outweigh his bad ...maybe?

@HedgehogOnTheBike
I do agree with you mostly…

Though I know I’ve allowed passion/limerance/lust to blind me in the past to men’s flaws and now I think I am hyper alert. I have dated a man before this who was similarly like this and I swore I wouldn’t again.

For what it’s worth, I was married for years and my DH took some “teaching” and by the end he was a bit of a tidy freak. But I’m just not willing to put the work in to someone now. I have my own children to teach and run around after and can’t offer that to a man.

I did laugh at how funny it would seem for me to call him and mention the mugs 😂😂😂.

I think ‘disrespectful’ is taking it a bit deep…

But even if I was a bit miffed, I wouldn’t raise it with him after one time!

Weird.

OP this man sounds like rather hard work, given your updates.

You're deliberately ignoring the contact lenses, which is undebatably disgusting.

If you don't see a future fair enough. If you do nip this in the bud and explain it can't happen again but be wary. A grown man should know none of those things are acceptable. He may surprise you with other things he should have learnt and hasn't...

Oh, OP, I don't know - I think I disagree... It's the lack of respect for my home that would put a pin in this. Best Behaviour isn't a thing, but fucking hell he should at least TRY. He's showing you who he is - nah. BIG nah.

I honestly couldn’t get my knickers in a twist about it.

They’re lenses, not human faeces.

Exactly this.

I take your point. I have been dating him since February but even so, it’s made me think more about who comes into my home.

Children weren’t there and he’s never met them.

Y husband still does all of these things 49 years later we are in s cycle of me leaving it, bollocking him , he sorts it and repeat. 40 fucking years .... Some people are just untidy and no amount of training helps ...

That would be it for me. No respect at all and he already thinks your purpose is to clean up after him it seems.

@Maddy70Been there, and done that with my ex husband. And although in fairness he did improve with his tidiness, I still felt like I had to mother him in other areas of life.

No offence to you, I’m sure your husband is great in other ways and you make a good team but for me I just don’t have it in me to do it again, especially as I have young children to run around after. In the rare times I have my home looking nice (when they are not here 😂) I like to keep it that way!