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Original poster

Man stayed over for the first time…

99 replies

taupeskies · 11/05/2025 18:22

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. I am not 100% sure about whether I can see a long term future with him, but he’s very different to men I’ve dated previously in that he’s very kind, emotionally available and seemingly honest.

He stayed over for the first time last night. Now bare in mind I haven’t lived with a man for a few years now since my divorce…

But this morning when he left I noticed he had left the towel he had used after the shower - on my bed, left his empty tea mug and water glass on the bedside table, and then I went downstairs and found he’d obviously taken his contact lenses out last night and left them on my coffee table. (I don’t wear lenses but these look like the kind you throw out after every use- I threw them out anyway!)

Am I being picky? I just can’t imagine staying at someone’s house and not at least taking my empty mugs downstairs, or throwing my lenses in the bin…

Thoughts?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 12/05/2025 08:49

taupeskies · 12/05/2025 07:10

@ParcelitNight itself was fine. I’ve been very open with him about the fact I am wanting to take any new relationship slow as my priority is my children/work/myself.

He was understanding to this but then after a couple of drinks he kind of launched into a presentation which seemed to go on forever, essentially selling himself to me and stating what he wanted, going into minute detail about what a future could look like and why he saw us as a perfect fit. It all felt a bit heavy for me to be honest. I am looking for someone who I feel comfortable with, and I do with him, but also someone who makes me laugh and who I feel a spark with.. and I’m not sure I’m feeling it here. The used contact lenses on the table don’t help with that either 🤢.

That’s one hell of drip feed and a far bigger red flag than a dirty cup and wet towel on the bed.

Parcelit · 12/05/2025 08:52

TwistedWonder · 12/05/2025 08:49

That’s one hell of drip feed and a far bigger red flag than a dirty cup and wet towel on the bed.

Show quote history

Exactly

Original poster
taupeskies · 12/05/2025 08:57

Sorry! Didn’t mean to drip feed!
to be honest I was tired yesterday and busy with the kids and so didn’t reflect much on the night itself on Saturday, as I was so perturbed by the towel/mugs/contact lenses.
Yeah, it’s not great is it?!

OP posts:
BoiledSpuds · 12/05/2025 09:31

He’s messy and lazy. Don’t move in with him unless you want to be his maid.

Bananalanacake · 12/05/2025 09:36

Make it clear to him he will not be moving in with you, enjoy a relationship but no living together

whitewineandsun · 12/05/2025 10:47

TwistedWonder · 12/05/2025 08:49

That’s one hell of drip feed and a far bigger red flag than a dirty cup and wet towel on the bed.

Show quote history

Definitely. Throw this one back.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 12/05/2025 11:05

@whitewineandsun It is a shame that you can’t leave a review for others searching.
I am just wondering how many women wouldn’t mind contact lenses left on a coffee table?
Grim.

Original poster
taupeskies · 12/05/2025 17:18

Tripadvisor for dating! Wouldn’t that just be sublime?!?

absolutely no chance of him, or anyone moving in with me anytime soon! I’ve worked too hard to have my own independence with my children and don’t need to let anyone come in and potentially risk that.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/05/2025 17:23

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 11/05/2025 19:20

It’s far from the worst things he could have done. But if you do like him just ask him to bring his cups down next time, if he doesn’t do it automatically, and show him which bin is best for the contact lenses. If he doesn’t do this when shown then you know he’s lazy and not just unsure of norms in a new environment.
FWIW I would have brought the cups down and did when I stayed with my ex. If I forgot or I was rushing then he did. That’s not worth breaking up over.
Texting him about this will make you sound pretty unreasonable. See how he is next time.

Yes, perhaps he was a bit uncertain or shy about the cup? Flustered over the towel, forgetful because he was enamoured? Did he take his lenses out before you got down to it ( I hated sex with my lenses in, made my eyes hurt) and then forgot …..

So you could cut him some slack. But if you don’t want to, then as they say you are just not that into him, so do him a favour and blow him off.

(pun intended.)

Westfacing · 12/05/2025 17:31

Now, his tea mug left upstairs - does that mean he brought you both a cup of tea in bed?

Please don't say you took the tea up!

Original poster
taupeskies · 12/05/2025 17:33

We took glasses of water up to bed at night and then in the morning I offered him a cup of tea up to bed as I was having one. 🫣

OP posts:
Original poster
taupeskies · 12/05/2025 17:34

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen Maybe he’ll take the news better if I do it how you say 😉 x

OP posts:
Westfacing · 12/05/2025 17:38

taupeskies · 12/05/2025 17:33

We took glasses of water up to bed at night and then in the morning I offered him a cup of tea up to bed as I was having one. 🫣

😱

Jeez, what are you doing taking a guy a cup of tea in bed on his first night?

No wonder he slobbed from then on in!!

HundredMilesAnHour · 12/05/2025 17:45

CanadianJohn · 11/05/2025 22:58

It's a bit disrespectful, but if the guy lives alone, he is probably used to leaving his stuff around - planning to clean up the next time he is in that room. I live alone, and have developed the mantra "don't put it down, put it away" to avoid my house looking messy.

If you like him, as previous posters have said, you have to tell him your standards.

It has nothing to do with living alone and everything to do with being lazy / a slob / expecting the ‘little woman’ to pick up after him.

Given this is when he should be on his absolute BEST behaviour, this would probably be a dealbreaker for me.

mathanxiety · 12/05/2025 17:52

No, you are not being picky in the least.

He didn't even try to impress you by picking up after himself.

Leaving crap for you to pick up and dispose of was massively disrespectful of him.

mathanxiety · 12/05/2025 17:56

taupeskies · 12/05/2025 07:10

@ParcelitNight itself was fine. I’ve been very open with him about the fact I am wanting to take any new relationship slow as my priority is my children/work/myself.

He was understanding to this but then after a couple of drinks he kind of launched into a presentation which seemed to go on forever, essentially selling himself to me and stating what he wanted, going into minute detail about what a future could look like and why he saw us as a perfect fit. It all felt a bit heavy for me to be honest. I am looking for someone who I feel comfortable with, and I do with him, but also someone who makes me laugh and who I feel a spark with.. and I’m not sure I’m feeling it here. The used contact lenses on the table don’t help with that either 🤢.

Oh he did not!!!!

He hasn't taken the trouble to listen to you at all, OP.

You're nothing more to him than a woman shaped human onto which he can project his own plans and needs.

Dump!

TomatoSandwiches · 12/05/2025 18:02

So you told him your priorities and he decided you are wrong and laid out how he expects the relationship should be.... how you should be...

Yeah, no thanks!

Notmoreshopping · 12/05/2025 18:05

When you are staying at someone else’s home, especially for the first time, it can be a bit awkward. Maybe he didn’t know where to put everything. I wouldn’t expect someone who was staying over (friend or relative or boyfriend) to sort out the cups etc. I don’t think it’s that bad. I thought you were going to say something really gross like he left the towel dirty or smelly undies on the floor.

Fraaances · 12/05/2025 18:08

This is probably his BEST behaviour too.

Jacarandill · 12/05/2025 18:21

taupeskies · 12/05/2025 17:33

We took glasses of water up to bed at night and then in the morning I offered him a cup of tea up to bed as I was having one. 🫣

You were the host! Wouldn’t you expect this if it were the other way around?

Jacarandill · 12/05/2025 18:22

Westfacing · 12/05/2025 17:38

😱

Jeez, what are you doing taking a guy a cup of tea in bed on his first night?

No wonder he slobbed from then on in!!

Show quote history

Isn’t this entirely normal?

If I stayed over at a man’s house I would expect a cup of tea in bed the next morning.

Original poster
taupeskies · 12/05/2025 18:29

Yes, to be honest as a host I have no issues with making someone a cuppa in the morning. It’s what I do for friends when they stay over too.

They will get invited back if they bring the cup down with them and pop into the sink before leaving too! 😉

OP posts:
Jacarandill · 12/05/2025 18:31

taupeskies · 12/05/2025 18:29

Yes, to be honest as a host I have no issues with making someone a cuppa in the morning. It’s what I do for friends when they stay over too.

They will get invited back if they bring the cup down with them and pop into the sink before leaving too! 😉

They’d get invited back if they were lovely, we had fabulous sex and I really liked them.

Couldn’t care less about a mug personally.

Original poster
taupeskies · 12/05/2025 18:32

TomatoSandwiches · 12/05/2025 18:02

So you told him your priorities and he decided you are wrong and laid out how he expects the relationship should be.... how you should be...

Yeah, no thanks!

Yeah…. As I say he was seemingly perfectly understanding about where I am in my life right now. But then proceeded to launch into a speech about all the things he wanted, and how we could fit into each others lives and how the relationship could look etc etc…

Although he’s a really nice guy I have gotten the impression from speaking to him about his past that he hasn’t been single very much in his life, and on paper we seem to have a lot in common so I wonder if he’s just hoping I’ll come around to wanting a big full on relationship right away, but it’s just not what I can offer anybody right now (and I have communicated this to him a number of times)

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 12/05/2025 19:53

Lighteningstrikes · 11/05/2025 19:33

Hmmm I wouldn’t be impressed, but not a deal breaker. I’m sure you’ll train him when the times right 😁

Just what every woman wants, a man they have to turn into a decent human being. No thanks.

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