DH backing out of holiday again.

[Shouldibefedup]

so we NEVER get a holiday booked - DH too busy, worried about work etc. it’s always booked last minute, and is therefore stressful, too expensive and generally crap.he PROMISED at his year would be different and we’d go somewhere long haul and amazing as it’s the last year probably, with teen.

so now we finally have the money, he suddenly says,as he does every year, he’s too busy at work, he is worried he’ll get fired or something like this. He has to wait to find out x or arrange y. He is too busy to arrange it, we haven’t got the money what if he loses his job.
to be fair he is the main earner, and he has a difficult boss but he’s told teen we are going on this amazing holiday. We haven’t been anywhere apart from a week last year to stay with friends.
i find then that I can’t look for holidays as he will step in and change everything I’ve thought of at the last minute, so now like last year, I’m mentally stuck.
help!

squishygloopybum thank you! You may well be right you probably are. I think he liked the thought .
Thank you. newstartplease I’m sorry to hear this. It’s awful and no one else gets how awful it is.
he has all my sympathies and I support him as much as I can, I am also looking after his dad, amongst other stuff and just need a break to get my mojo back. I’ve lost enthusiasm for everything and am finding DH stress difficult to handle. So is he, obviously.
I think I’m fed up because it’s a pattern, i genuinely thought we were going - he’s talked about this long haul trip for two years and now says we’ll do it in the spring - he said that last year, and the summer, and Xmas and this spring.
only 2 weeks ago he was talking about Chile or somewhere.
i don’t believe him and it puts my off getting interested enough to research or book or anything.
We’d got some money back after lending it to someone, and he was all, now we can book! Until suddenly, it will be too hot, and now it’s the work/flying excuse . At least we talked a bit and he explained he doesn’t like flying and a long flight is off putting so he wants to go to Italy. He can’t define dates, Again he says this every year.

optimist2020 that’s not quite what’s happening, but I get your point.

so now my concern is that Italy is pricy, DH wants a luxury break with pool and restaurant s. I’ll look for a travel company ophy 83 and compromise. He will say they are too expensive.
omg costa rica!

He’s still doing it though. Spring, then summer. Chile, now Italy but he won’t commit to dates.

just plan something yourself and present it to him - he comes or doesn’t. Don’t let your DC down because of him.

Look. Why on earth are you letting him decide when/where/that it's too expensive?

Take a chunk of your inheritance back and book yourself a villa in Italy. Or a hotel with pool etc. Italy is gorgeous and the people are lovely.

He's future faking. He might love the idea but he's never going to actually go.

Totally this. And if he's making you feel bad about not earning as much as him, @Shouldibefedup , isn't that something you need to deal with asap (his behaviour, I mean).

Especially if you're looking after his father. I get so, so pissed off with men who expect their women to do all the difficult work of looking after relatives and then act as if they're the Big Man because they get a full time wage and do fuck all else!!

Be careful spending a lot of money tailoring the holiday to his exact specifications, particularly if he is likely to drop out. Posh Italy is very expensive.

I get not wanting to go long haul if he’s under pressure. We went to Costa Rica in March using air miles. It was a wonderful experience but travelling around was tiring and the overnight flight back was a killer with work the next day.

Madeira might be a good option. Lots of upmarket hotels with things to do.

Oh absolutely! Don't tailor it to him. I just meant if OP would like that kind of holiday then just go ahead and do it.

My DH can be a bit of a homebody. If I want to go on a holiday and he doesn’t, particularly if it involves visiting my family & friends I take the kids and go without him. It works for us. He gets out of a holiday he doesn’t want to go on. The holiday is cheaper. I still get to do what I want. And the pets are looked after.

Talk to your DH. Tell him what you’ve told us, that he always promises and always breaks the promise and finds an excuse, and this year you’re not having it. He can either commit to the holiday or you & DC are going without him. It’s his choice, but he’s got 7 days to make up his mind. Then, you book. Put a calendar reminder in for both of you.

He doesn't value you does he? You work part-time, care for the children and the home and also his dad. I wonder if he'd swap with you as he hates his job so much... He is just a bloke with a job - nothing special about this. He's elevated himself to some sort of super important figure because he earns more than you. Despite the fact that you doing everything else facilitates him in his job. It's really shitty of him to promise the DC and then renege.

Is he really chained to the office by his boss? Is everyone in the company not taking their leave? I suspect not! I'd say it's just an excuse and perhaps he doesn't like going or can't be bothered. The boss is just a convenient person to blame. I'd have a talk with him about what's really going on.

@Shouldibefedup stop making excuses and just got with your child. You have the money use it .
you can afford any holdings you like as you have saved on all the holidays you never got when husband let you down .
Do you what to stay with your dh as he sounds miserable . You get one life .
If you weren’t married and a man was behaving like this you would be told he is future faking .
Your dh is doing this. Giving you lip service .
Go with son and while away take some time to think about what you really want your future to look like .

Thank you. I am so anxious! DH is very stressed, I can’t be near him at the moment as we’ve gone straight back to how he is every summer. - He is now saying he might lose his job, we have to pay teens college, he might be able to go away in august and he wants to go to Italy. which I suspect is the hottest, most expensive time to go. He can’t give me a date and tells me to just find somewhere to go, he is looking at my earnings and saying they are not enough.
im extremely anxious and feel disloyal, but I’m not sure I can do this again.
, but what’s the alternative?

I go with my kids without DH - it’s all round a better holiday!

I would certainly go on holiday without him and consider also if this is a man you want to remain with in the longer term.

@Shouldibefedup i think there is more to this relationship is there op? He sounds controlling?
Who is he to dictate your life and you and your son’s holidays .
Tell him you are old enough and women enough to make your own decisions you don’t need his blessing. What he forgets is , the money in the bank isn’t just his .
Id go on holiday and I’d tell him the marriage is over.

Oh gosh, the number of times I’ve thought that!

@Shouldibefedup why is he looking at your earnings ? Could you earn more money to help ease the financial
pressure so you can go on the hols?

I need to know if you’ve been on holiday OP 🙏

This.

Op, no job is worth this sort of continued stress. Even if your h was earning a million a year. Everyone is entitled to annual leave, and your h should be applying for this early on the year.

i couldn’t stand this. Your h’s stress, taking it out on you, not looking for a better job - it’s all ridiculous. Your h is handling this really badly.

I’d book a holiday where you and ds want to go, then go.

Hi OP - has anything happened?

I'm getting that he's terrified.

Of losing his job and the income and feeling your PT income won't be enough to support you all.

Of the bully landing on him again.

Of flying.

Of the unknown, being a long way from home.

Basically ... is he OK?

Hello, thank you for asking after us!
it finally sunk into my thick skull that not having a holiday would be worse. So I planned stuff out, as usual DH came in and changed it and I just said ok. It got reduced to 1 week as that’s all he wanted to take off, with the promise of another week later. 🙄
BUT! It was a really good week. It was the first proper holiday we’ve had since something massive (bad) happened to us as a family a few years ago. as a PP said, I think I was nervous and wanted us to do it together, so I’ve reminded myself I’m more than capable, which is good. In the end I did the ground work, he had final say, and I paid out of the inheritance.
so learning curves all round. And a lovely time!

And yes, he’s getting counseling which is doing us bothe the world of good.

DH did this to me one half term. I took the DC away and we had the best time. They still talk about it and they are now grown up.

And you need to sort out the discrepancy in earnings. DH and I are both well educated professionals but his field pays a lot more than mine. Even in the private sector. He doesn’t mind as he appreciates everything else I contribute to our family and doesn’t expect me to match his earning to relieve pressure on him etc. Your DH does mind so you need to have a conversation about it.
it seems as though the pressure is impacting his mental health. What can YOU do to help? It seems as though he is not the only one to need counselling as you used to back pack around the world and are now too nervous to book a holiday! Yes you learnt you can now. I think a conversation needs to be had about both of your contributions to your family