DH backing out of holiday again.

[Shouldibefedup]

so we NEVER get a holiday booked - DH too busy, worried about work etc. it’s always booked last minute, and is therefore stressful, too expensive and generally crap.he PROMISED at his year would be different and we’d go somewhere long haul and amazing as it’s the last year probably, with teen.

so now we finally have the money, he suddenly says,as he does every year, he’s too busy at work, he is worried he’ll get fired or something like this. He has to wait to find out x or arrange y. He is too busy to arrange it, we haven’t got the money what if he loses his job.
to be fair he is the main earner, and he has a difficult boss but he’s told teen we are going on this amazing holiday. We haven’t been anywhere apart from a week last year to stay with friends.
i find then that I can’t look for holidays as he will step in and change everything I’ve thought of at the last minute, so now like last year, I’m mentally stuck.
help!

Is there some other reason for his delays? Only reason I ask is it takes me months to book something, I'm terrified of flying (my partner knows), we still go every year but takes me a good while to get the courage to book something

That sounds very difficult, and it’s not just about the holidays right?

He’s been the main / only breadwinner for years, ploughing on for years in a toxic job situation that has put him under huge stress. Whereas you have taken what probably seemed like a good idea at the time - to step back from work and focus on kids and a less stressful home life for you all, but now means your career has gone nowhere and your earning power is low. And that getting back into it work wise is going to be a huge mountain to climb, and your confidence is pretty low.

DH and I are in a similar situation. It’s really hard. DH is now in burn out, and signed off work for two months. His job situation is different to your DH (no bullying, just shit management, a tendency to take on too much, stress of feeling everything rests on his shoulders). And I have felt helpless / hopeless, having stepped out of the workplace and put myself in a position where it’s impossible to get those years back. I don’t regret it - it was great for our kids and general home life. But it’s had unintended consequences and we are dealing with this now.

I think you and your DH would be far better putting your energy towards an honest, calm talk about where you are going in terms of work, family, finances - rather than focusing on a holiday, which is just a sticking plaster. You might need a therapist to help you work through this.

FWIW I am now full-time in a job which doesn’t pay brilliantly, but it’s making a real difference. It’s probably not a coincidence that my DH has finally buckled under the weight of stress in the same year I’ve gone full time 🤷‍♀️.

Go on your own with your teen if he is continually messing you around! I've taken my son on holiday without DH and my DH has taken my son away without me, due to various circumstances. Why should the both of you miss out? You have the money and feel you need a holiday!

If you just have the teen can you increase your work hours. The responsibility of earning is probably stressing him out even more.

I think it’s more likely he doesn’t want to go and is using his boss as an excuse. Tell him you’re going with or without him

He doesn’t want to go and when he does finally get involved he messes with your plans. I’d go without him.

I think you’re more anxious about going than you’re admitting and want your dh to bolster your confidence and be committed and decisive. He’s not that. He’s also anxious about booking one.
if you really want to book, just book it.

Let DS book it if that’s an option. Or at least organize it. Do you think your DH would still turn that down?
I don’t think you can both just sit on the fence forever or no one will have a life. We’ve had so many people close to us die (we’re mid 50s) that we said we must live now. No more waiting for retirement.

My dh always does this. I remember one time I stood over him and told him I’m not leaving until I see him sending off the email for the holiday request (he was working from home obviously)
It’s so annoying.
Now ds1 is at the age where he doesn’t want to go on some holidays with us and I look back with regret on some situations but also glad I forced dh’s hand at times and went off and did things with the dc without him plenty.

Totally agree.

Your husband sounds like he’s having a very tough time. If this was a gender reversal, I don’t think many people would be advocating the man toddle off on holiday with the kids whilst the wife is left in a toxic working environment.

It would also be very much frowned upon to take his inheritance and use it instead of helping to bring down stress levels.

Hope things get sorted, but he really does sound very stressed and he must be scared working in that environment.

I sort of know what it's like for him. I tend to find the run-up to a holiday quite stressful because I feel I need to make sure I've caught up on everything before I go, and because of the need for a handover to whoever's keeping an eye on things while I'm away etc. The last week beforehand I may well be working late 7 days a week, and part of me starts thinking it would be easier just not to go. But I always do, mostly because I'm not going to disappoint the children.

The catch was that DH is the same, and for some years he would take it further and regularly find some reason why he couldn't go for at least part of the time. He used to tell me it was out of his control, although unfortunately for him I work in the same line and I knew perfectly well he could control it if he actually tried. However, I didn't make a fuss because I knew he was stressed and, again, I didn't want to spoil it for the kids.

Then one year I was determined we would have a full holiday, took trouble to book somewhere I knew he'd like, and regularly reminded him that he had to keep that week free. And we duly got off on time and together, hooray. But he still felt the need to keep in touch with his office regularly, and of course part way through there was some crisis and he absolutely had to go back. I couldn't hide how upset I was, and I think it really took him by surprise. He actually took the trouble to travel all the way back before the end of the holiday, and was never anything like as bad again afterwards. Maybe if you made it clear to your husband that this means a lot to you and your son and just once he should prioritise you, it might help?

Can't say I'd be on my deathbed wishing I'd spent my £30k on the house rather than a holiday. Enjoy it!

If the only consequences of his choices so far has been complaints from you he hasn’t really missed out on anything. You should book
the holiday and go without him and perhaps he will realise what he’s missing that way and make some changes.

Some people just don’t particularly like going on holiday and will use any reason to justify not doing it.

My friends DH is like this and was explaining that due to one of my elderly DPs being ill, it is very important for us not to book any holidays or have any plans, he seemed almost gleeful as he said it. I immediately started feeling claustrophobic and hemmed in like I did during lockdown do DH and I have booked abunch of things and if we need to cancel, well we will do.

In your case I would book the holiday, try to find something that will work if DH doesn’t come. It’s a shame about his new bosses boss, but surely it’s important he has breaks from the situation.

This - ask teen where he wants to go, and get it booked. Up to DH if he comes or not. See it like this - put your DC first, and just do it. Take charge. Move the money out of joint savings if you have any concern that DH might move it to sabotage your plan.

Thank you! I am concerned that I’ve not got the courage.
You are right, DH hates flying, but said he got over it for our child. I also get the work hard so you can go away, then just as you begin to relax, you have to force yourself to speed up again, it’s a stupid system really.
rookiemere he will no doubt use this as an excuse as well.
I’m stupid, I put off approaching DH .and then it gets later and later and more expensive.

You’re not stupid, you’re apprehensive which is normal about something like flying long haul on your own for a holiday with teen kids. Just do plenty of planning and researching which will increase your confidence, and then just be brave!

Don’t let this stop you and your son having an amazing holiday. I hope your husband will come, but if he doesn’t I still want you and your son to have an awesome time.

Courage to go on holiday without him or courage to speak up to your husband?

if it is the holiday, book a package then you dont have to worry.

Go without him.

I don’t think this is a boss issue, this is a consistent pattern of behaviour from your DH. The earnings thing is deflection.

he sounds like he’s done a number on you op.

squishygloopybum I’m being dense, what do you mean?!
dorothystorm and pps who suggested tui- husband said this was too pricy last year.
im looking at long haul or really adventure we’ve only done Cornwall but I need something to do so DS won’t be bored.
I think you are right I need to start planning anyway. I’m not sleeping and am anxious at the thought of a long boring summer for DS without a change of scene. After Dh has promised, and quite frankly I need a change of scene I’m sooooo bored and drained
thank you!

Head over to the holiday forum - lots of people there with knowledge of good, long haul adventure type places to go. Costa Rica comes up a lot and there are lots of companies that do adventure group tours - I looked into them for my daughter and I when we went to Japan (DH would not come on that holiday because we were already going on another one later in the year, and he'll do one holiday a year, but that's his limit), but we decided to do our own thing in the end.

Just that I think your H was telling you what you wanted to hear- I don’t think he had any intention of booking a hol.

plus the work stuff is just excuses. There’s always some reason. Even tui is too pricy!

agree with PP - Costa Rica is amazing.

If your husband is worrying about cost , could you increase your hours to facilitate the long haul hours @Shouldibefedup ? He must be stressed, stressful job, scared of flying , wife not earning enough but wants a long haul trip away costing ££€€$$

Everyone is anxious in your house and the holiday isn’t going to be as amazing as you think because it won’t solve the underlying causes of that. Work stress is awful. People can get isolated, victimized, or just get managed out, which takes a while, and it’s awful. Hes on his own with all this. I worked at a place once where every year in the 2 weeks I took off, someone would make a poor decision on my behalf in my absence which would haunt me for ever. It was no help to me that I wasn’t there and had not been contacted because it was my area and my function was the company scapegoat. It turned into bullying - not just the holiday stuff, all of it - anyway obvs the solution to this is not “never go on holiday” but it’s silly and simplistic to say “just go on holiday nothing bad can happen because it’s an entitlement “.
my dp didn’t understand and he didn’t earn enough to be a safety net either. And he was always whining about my work stress. I hated holidays. He would not step up and I was always exhausted trying to pretend everything was jolly and I was just a lovely mum, whereas really I was a bullied breadwinner with no support.

go on holiday with your own money if you must. But you must see that demanding your DH invest in a holiday is demanding of him something he doesn’t have the resource for, it’s another thing on his stress list

Could there be a compromise? E.g. you all go somewhere in Europe e.g. Montenegro, Croatia or similar. DH stays for 3-5 days, as long as he can manage. In that time maybe explore a city or relax on a beach, whatever helps him unwind a little. Then DH goes home and you and DS stay longer - maybe book in with a travel company to do some sort of adventure expedition for a few days, there are lots aimed at families with teenagers