Sometimes, being married with little children is so lonely

[somebodydid]

I feel so fed up today. Two things in our house malfunctioned in the week so the entire weekend will be spent with DH fixing them, going to the DIY store to buy replacement parts for them and complaining about them.

Meanwhile my weekend will look like the week with sole responsibility for two under 4s.

I know as they grow and eventually become teens I’ll be able to do stuff for me again. But right now I can’t and it’s so frustrating.

I fully understand how infuriating this is, and he is DEFINITELY creating the jobs to get out of having to look after the children, which is orders of magnitude harder work than pretty much any DIY outside of heavy skilled labour.

Practically thinking, I believe in your situation the only way to get your point across is to insist you do the next job that needs to be done. Research it on YouTube f you have to, just make sure yoi do it and he has the kids. He will soon get the point. I honestly think a lot of men don't even appreciate how draining it is looking after children morning to night for.2, 3 week stints with no days off

Does he really want to spend the weekend doing DIY or is it that you can't afford a professional to come in and do the jobs? If he would rather do it for the sake of it then yes, he doesn't want to spend time with you or the children which sucks. It does sound shit tbf, can see why you're miserable- perplexing why you had a second when you evidently loathe it.

Do you arrange things to do at the weekends? I have two young DCs and we make plans for every weekend, usually seeing friends with DCs for days out, parks or round each others houses, or day trips out ourselves, weekends away seeing family. Then the house stuff gets done around that.

I make plans for the weekend. I have to! Today they have been to a children’s event in the local forest and then to a birthday party. Tomorrow they have a concert (it’s specially for under 5s.)

But I have to do these things solo and it does get lonely.

@Whispee I don’t loathe parenting, or my children, it’s never catching a break I loathe. There’s nothing I can do about the second now, is there?

Why is being with your kids “completely shit”?

Did you have a different agreement in place re split of childcare before ttc?

It’s completely shit because I am exhausted and get no time to do essential things, never mind non essential.

My week looks like this:

Monday - wake at 6, get myself showered and dressed. Get children washed, teeth brushed, dressed and off to nursery. Work. Leave work, get them from nursery. Evening snacks and squabbles and eventually in bed. DD (age 22 months) generally down for half seven but we can have a few false alarms. I usually get DS down for 8. I then have maybe two hours in which to run round and tidy and clean a bit. Get woken at least once overnight by DD, often more.

I have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off. Have the children all day as you’d expect. So no rushing around for work and nursery, on the other hand it’s a lot more intense.

Thursday and Friday look like Monday.

Then comes the weekend and guess what … looks like Tuesday and Wednesday.

It isn’t the children personally. But I am solely responsible for their entertainment, their hygiene, food, drink, nappies (DD) and so on. It’s exhausting and I guess I do want a bit of time for me as well.

It does sound crap, what work pattern does he have? Obviously at weekends he should actually bother to parent which would give you some time to yourself; but also during the week it's very intense for you- guessing not but could you afford even a half day the Tuesday or weds in childcare?

Im just wondering what in the house is so urgent it needs fixing by him, right now? Because to me, urgent things would include the washing machine breaking down or the freezer packing in or a window breaking or water escaping from the shower or the electrics blowing up. Beyond a quick patch up to make the situation safe, all of these things would require somebody professional to fix them, not your DH. DIY in my mind is purely a hobby. A useful hobby, but definitely a hobby.

Shy of putting a wash on, doing a quick clean and putting the wash away, weekends for us are spent as a family doing stuff, as the kids really are only little once. In a few years they won’t want to be out and about with mum and dad so we are trying to enjoy it as a family now. There will be plenty of time for tarting up the house in the future. I absolutely get how frustrated you must be OP. If your DH was out cycling all weekend I think you’d have a lot more sympathy - for some reason people seem to turn a blind eye to DIY and gardening.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

I think families with more than 1 child fall into 2 camps: Either they do everything together all weekend, which means neither parent gets a complete break, but neither parent is ever that stressed. Or they divide and conquer, taking a day completely off childcare alongside a day being solely responsible for both DC. Less time as a couple but more ‘me time’.

Neither is wrong. As a family we generally go for the first option. But we have lots of friends who go for option 2

At the moment your DH is taking the piss. It’s completely unfair for you to be on childcare duty solo, all weekend. I think you need to set it out to him: either you do a lot more together, or you each have a day off per weekend. He picks and if he doesn’t stick to it, I wouldn’t blame you for considering all options.

I can completely understand why you’re feeling the way you are. You are doing everything while your husband checks out of family life with his DIY cover story.

He’s not being a father or a husband. You’d still have a lot on your plate if you kicked him out but you wouldn’t have the resentment.

Some of the replies here have been mental. You absolutely don’t have to enjoy every moment so don’t listen to that crap. But I do think you need to have it out with him. You only have one life and currently, your husband seems intent on making yours miserable. He is their dad yet he’s not actually parenting them. Something clearly needs to change.

I’m a SAHM to one 8 year old who is home educated. I do a lot of the housework because I’m weird and enjoy it but my husband cooks and washes up most nights, does the bulk of the dog care and shopping and he still takes our daughter out to give me a break. This is just how it should be and if your husband isn’t willing to take a more active role then he’s clearly not a good dad or husband and you and the kids deserve better.

I really hope things improve for you soon, it shouldn’t be that hard. And the one person who you should be able to turn to, is actually the cause of it all.

It’s shocking how many men think it’s ok to do this. I think the next generation of women are not going to put up with it and the birth rate will plummet. My 23 year old niece watched me run around after my kids for the weekend once while the dad did almost nothing and was visibly traumatised. She has decided not to have kids. Men have to be forced to change. Threaten divorce.

I agree with this.
How it started and how it's going is very different. And you are being rude, OP. Good luck with everything.

So why don't you leave him with them?

Just go out.

I feel for you, as I remember the days when my twins were younger (they're now 7) and, as busy as I tried to keep us, it often felt very lonely.
I've been a solo parent since they were babies, but I appreciate that it must also feel very lonely at times in your position.
💚

The major issue to me seems to be that you're running round for 2 hours after that are in bed, rather than relaxing.

On a day when you've all been out of the house most of the day there CAN'T be that much mess generated, which presumably means its a bit of a backlog?

I don't think you hate your kids or hate spending time with your kids. I think your DH is totally advocating all housework responsibility so when you DO have downtime you are still running to catch up.

Please do speak to your DH. Firmly. Make it really clear what he needs to do on a daily basis - what jobs EXACTLY need to be complete while you are getting kids ready for bed. Otherwise, he needs to be taking the lead on bath and bedtime so you can get started earlier and still get a break before bed.

My DH has never lead on "putting the kids to bed". He seems to think it requires some kind of magic...But he can do bathtime and story time so he takes his turn on that, or I do it and make it clear the dishawasher needs to be running before I come back down so it is ready to empty before bed.

Basically your DH has to do some flipping housework! It's not optional, nobody likes it, but you are not a servant! You'll enjoy your kids more of you can see a relaxing evening after bedtime....

I completely agree with this.
Then one day both DC will be teens, you'll never see them and you don't have a clue what they are talking about; and you'll miss those preschool days.

Once they start school, there's a big shift to social/sport on weekends. I've always managed to arrange my working hours so I have a day off in the week to deal with "jobs", so we can have more fun at weekends.

Why was he able to do nothing????

The balance does improve but I think it can be lonely. My 3dc are all teens now and dh and I will often go off for the day just the two of us. I feel far more like me at this age. It’s when you switch to hanging out with the dc rather than micromanaging everything (which you have to do when they’re little) you can shift your focus more.

from memory, it improved around age 6 and then was gradual. I love older dc. It’s kind of like puppies are super cute but actually, a trained family dog gives much more joy.

OP you need to have a serious conversation with your husband and tell him the situation is unacceptable for you.

If he works full time then on his days off childcare and bonding with the children should be his nr 1 priority.

Unfortunately some people will keep doing whatever they want to do as long as they can get away with it and his idea of children being "woman's job " adds to the problem.

You need to make it very clear to him how badly you're affected and that you can't go on like this anymore. He needs to step up and as long as he feels he has an option not to he won't.

Surely, your Dh can take two under 4s to the DIY store. Mine are school age now, but they’ve been going off with Dh to buy welding supplies or paint or fittings for various things since they were babies. Again, easier because they’re older now, but one of mine just ploughed a field with Dh. And DIY, unless you have no electric (which needs a qualified electrician!), can always wait. Family comes first. If it’s not an emergency, we spend time together and the job will get done next weekend.

At least you're able to reflect on it being lonely for both of you.

Unfortunately, in my former relationship, I was blamed for the loneliness and had my daughter taken hundreds of miles away. This is despite my ex having friends where we lived before she moved.

However, in that relationship I was blamed for lots of things and felt like nothing I could do would make her happy. We were happy before our little one was born, but after it she just seemed to put me down for everything, and still does even though we aren't together. My daughter prefers my company though.

I had to throw away my former life to buy a house closer to my daughter. Now I'm the lonely one while my ex is out with her friends and even dating now, it's hard for me to make new friends due to having my daughter half the time and working full time while also maintaining a house with no support near me. My energy levels are really low most of the days.

Be glad that you two are working harmoniously and able to work together.

Not sure they're working "harmoniously", sounds like "resentfully" to me.

I had two young children whilst in COVID (5 week old and 2yo) and we bought a new house which needed stripping down and renovating. My husband would finish work and every single evening and weekend go and work in the house from October - January. They were the loneliest months of my life and I realised after that I was suffering from PND.

Please try and do something empowering for yourself whatever that looks like for you, try and make it happen to remove some of that loneliness.

Hey OP I love how cranky you being to people trying to help lol.
Are you doing the work of 5 days crammed into 3? I work part time and like many mums this kind of bullshit happens me and many others - until I spoke to boss and had some boudaries. You need a weeks holiday alone. And maybe a new husband? He needs to do a school run 1 or 2 days a week? You need to prioritise your sleep. You need a lie in. He needs to do some nights- this isnt the 50s! If it was you would at least get to relax and take strong tranquilisers! You are completely exhausted and you should be getting a break at work and at home but getting neither. I read your post and thought wow Id love one of those handy husbands. If stuff breaks in ours its always up to me to fix on top of everything else. Get some sleep OP. Set some boundaries. Use some screens. Try and be less grumpy!

In our family, we spend pretty much the whole weekend together with the dcs and I don't feel lonely - we have fun trips out and I feel like the childcare at weekends is shared. BUT - when things break nothing gets fixed in the house for months! I'm waiting for the youngest to start free nursery hours so I can get some drilling done (they freak out if I do it when they are at home) and finally redecorate the dc's room.