Sometimes, being married with little children is so lonely

[somebodydid]

I feel so fed up today. Two things in our house malfunctioned in the week so the entire weekend will be spent with DH fixing them, going to the DIY store to buy replacement parts for them and complaining about them.

Meanwhile my weekend will look like the week with sole responsibility for two under 4s.

I know as they grow and eventually become teens I’ll be able to do stuff for me again. But right now I can’t and it’s so frustrating.

Fair enough, lol. I can't be arsed with hangry kids so picnics were good for that!

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Do you have any family nearby who can help take the children out so you can have a break.

No, it all falls on me. I think at the moment I feel my family has just fallen apart as fucking sheds are more important.

Your marriage sounds shit.

wrote up a pros and cons list of leaving.

What are the jobs?

Try to enjoy every minute…both my kids are away at university and my husband recently passed away. I’d trade anything to turn back the hands of time to have my husband fixing things around the house while I’m with my little children. It’s true what people say…you never realise what you had till it’s gone 😔

Can you plan a day out for all of you, a petting farm or something? Get lunch there? I always found that unless there was something planned, it was always me and the kids.

I’m very sorry for your loss but I don’t feel it’s appropriate to bring it here to be honest. Perhaps you don’t understand I am on the brink of divorce here and I don’t see my husband, speak to him or spend quality time with him because I have to constantly care for our very young children so he can do the things he wants to do. Does that really sound like something you long for?

At this stage @LuvACustardCream I am past that. I don’t want him with us, it’s the same amount of work and I still have to pack the bags and book tickets and organise it all. I might as well just go alone. I’m alone for the next two weekends anyway as he’s away.

I am considering divorce. But the children’s lives would be impacted, and so even though it’s preferable for me it isn’t for them if that makes sense.

It’s hard when they’re little. Just remind yourself that this isn’t forever.

I’m saying this as someone with 4 children, 3 of whom are 3 and under. I completely understand how you’re feeling. It will get easier.

Well I dunno that staying together when you resent the hell out of him and he opts out of parenting is better for the kids? How?

He doesn't bother much with them day to day and makes you the default parent while you're together, so it's just his ghostly presence in the home that's beneficial, is it?

If you split, he'd be in sole charge of them during his contact time.

My DH is like this. There is always something that needs doing so I’ve just been firm - one day for housework/DIY, one day for family. If it takes us longer to get some stuff done then so be it. What annoys me is the constant reminders of this, or if we are going somewhere important he’ll need to do something quickly like water the plants. There is a funny video on instagram that I related to. You have such a short time with your kids when young so I would have a chat about it with your DH and come up with a better plan?

When he says that childcare and housekeeping are 'your work' remind him that if you separate he will have everything to do in his own house plus up to 50% of the childcare! You can easily pay a handyman to fix anything around the house that you can't figure out for yourself. You will also have free time to maintain hobbies and friendships. Your DC might be happier with a less-stressed mum.

What does he say when you tell him how you feel?

I think many people do long for the days their children were young. No matter how challenging it can be, it is also full of fun a and joy for a lot of parents.

I think what the other poster shared was actually good advice and you should try and take it on board. I do think it was in the right place too, you started your thread about the relentlessness of family life, you having DC and your DH having to fix things. It's only later on in the thread you have communicated your DH is the issue.

OP, my suggestion is going to maybe sound a bit simplistic and like I’m suggesting just throwing money around that you maybe don’t have but I assure you it’s cheaper than divorce…

You need to throw money at the situation! Instead of your DH doing the DIY, get someone in to do it. Book a babysitter a couple of times a week to spend time with your DH without the kids. Even if it’s just to go to your local pub. Better yet, get an au pair who can do nursery drop off, pick up, trips to the park and babysit in the evenings a couple of nights a week. Book in a weekend break for just you and your DH at least once a year. Throw the babysitter/au pair a chunk of money to cover the weekend or beg grandparents.

If all of that sounds unaffordable then get a 5 day a week job to cover it.

Being a parent is wonderful, being a family is wonderful. But you need time for you still and also time as a couple.

never cleaning sodding bathrooms or doing the laundry

Because that is seen as women's work, and therefore low status and emasculating.

Maybe just all of you (hubby as well) do something low stress like a walk and an ice-cream/coffee and cake.
I remember feeling how you feel and I do sympathise. Little children are hard work.
We took turns getting up in the night because my youngest was a terrible sleeper, and my husband like us all to go out at weekends, which meant nothing got done at home - I guess things are never perfect 😅.
Hang in there xx

We don’t have any money @Franpie . Five days a week would raise nursery fees so not really a solution.

@TeenagersAngst just starts going on about how endless and important the tasks are and how they have to be done.

This sounds really rude but I don’t care if you enjoyed it when your kids were young. That’s great and I’m glad you have those happy memories. I don’t.

I think they sometimes create jobs around the house that don't really need doing, its just for something to "do'.....if that makes sense?

I remember being knackered, lonely, pissed off and always the default parent - mine are 2 years apart. Jobs always needed ‘doing’ which meant DH couldn’t possibly parent at the weekend.

We both worked full time and both kids were in nursery part time as he worked shifts and I could work flexibly.

I just got to a point where I just said I want a divorce there’s no point carrying on like this. He was mortified, and to his credit he stepped up.

I just remember that ‘I can’t do this anymore feeling - it was totally shit!’. I also just didn’t want to do all the going to park, kids parties, planning stuff anymore. It am not sure its easier as they get older its just different and less retlentless. But I just wanted to come on and say I recognise what you are saying.

I hear you OP. Love DH to death but DC and the daily grind are running us ragged. Jobs and chores need to be done and we have no family or village support either. Can’t find or really afford babysitters and the youngest is too young for sleepovers. We take a day off every few months when DC are at school/creche, otherwise we wouldn’t actually be able to speak to eachother. It’s relentless.

there was a thread on here that I stumbled across when I was feeling exactly like this that referred to gardening/sheds/etc as parenting avoidance chores. So the man (usually) gets to feel he is contributing but actually he is getting 6/7/8 hours to himself whilst you look after the kids.

it helped me to know that other partners did this too!

I don’t really know what to suggest to help you. Since we’ve had two, I’ve made a list of every chore in the house, how long it takes and how often it gets done and colour coded it. Shocker, they were mostly my colour. I then had a conversation with him where I kind of had the proof to back up what I was saying.

my husband fitted our kitchen tap the wrong way round, worked fine but you just had to remember hot was right. He decided this wasn’t ok and spent about 8 hours fixing it/buying things/swearing and I just wanted to kill him.

we are actually mostly happy though but I think that’s down to the fact my children are now sleeping in chunks rather than waking every hour. Can you at least share nights so you get some rest?

I am sorry for your loss

But this doesn't help the OP

I mean, this is a VERY minor occurrence OP. I truly hope for your sake you never have to face some serious adversity!