Are faithful men a myth?

[Blissfultiggy]

Do you think there’s any loyal and faithful men out there?

People on here saying 'my dad/brother/husband' has never cheated can't know that. You only have to look at the gazilion threads on here when an affair is discovered with the poster blindsided and all 'I'd never have thought it of him. He was one of the good ones'. The whole aim of a successful sexual encounter outside a marriage is to keep it secret.

I work in a business field where there is a huge amount of men trying it on with other women, sometimes successfully - one offs or long running affairs. I know more than one "happily married man" (a good guy) who has had a long term affair with a woman where his wife appears not to know at all.

This is my definitive theory based on years of seeing this sort of thing going on right in front of me:

*There are a tiny handful of men who are faithful. They are either (i) men who shagged around a lot when younger, got it out of their system and then settle down later in life and then fully commit to a family and bask in their reinvention as a faithful & committed person - often they are men who marry very late (Warren Beatty, Michael Douglas (second marriage) types); (ii) men who have a very strong religious or moral conviction (rare); (iii) men who are faithful because of lack of coincidence of opportunity to have sex without being found out At The Same Time as strong lust/chemistry with a woman who is willing.

*There are a small proportion of men who are just shagging bastards who for narcissistic, selfish reasons will try it on with everyone and have a lot of affairs simply because if you ask enough women eventually some will say yes.

*Most 'normal' men will be unfaithful if you have a coincidence of three things - (1) opportunity to have sex without their partner finding out (2) a strong chemical attraction/driving lust infatuation with a woman who is also willing and (3) both of these things happening at a time when the man is feeling weak in relation to his marriage vows. It's less likely the week after a wedding; it's more likely after 15 years of marriage and they've had a row.

If your partner works in a job where there is a lot of opportunity (working late, trips away, working closely with women) the risks are increased.

Plenty of men are capable of saying no if they are feeling morally strong and committed. The longer the marriage the greater risk there will have been infidelity at some point even if it was a one off 'I feel terrible and am not doing it ever again' regret.

I've seen some and know of some unbelievable behaviour - people having sex in the loo at work, the office cupboard and so on.

Yes, that’s true, but in most cases men like that women don't want. Having your principles gets you lonely and men with big mouths who smash things up are much more attractive.

The issue with that and this thread is it specifies men.

I know of more women who cheat, line up the next man while still shagging the current one.

I have said I don't believe my husband would cheat and the reason is because of what his ex did. She had an affair behind his back for several months, took his child while he was at work and moved in with the new man.

It broke him. The reason I think he wouldn't cheat is I don't hink he would do anything to destroy his family in that way and I think if he did want to end the relationship he would have the balls to say it and not do it behind my back.

Out of interest the multiple people behaving like this is it just married men or also women who are I relationships?

I think some people cheat but I don't believe my husband would.

Also if mumsnet is representative then all men are abusive/ negligent or borderline negligent parents who never spend any time with their kids. This isn't true in RL as a thread about my loving husband doing something supportive is not a thread. But those who are struggling post threads and due to the fact it is a predomintly female site it represents all men as bad.

This representation of males is a problem in the same way a predomintly male site saying all women sleep around would be. Some men cheat and so do some women

I can honestly say I’ve never cheated and among my friendship group most haven’t either. I’ve been cheated on a couple of times, fortunately before things were mega serious.

I’d say men were slightly more likely to cheat overall but not by a huge amount. Plenty of women cheat too.

I should also add when I was young and handsome (too long ago now 😢😢) several married women came on to me at one point or other

Agree. I know more women who've cheated than men...my husband cheated as did his step dad.

The issue with that and this thread is it specifies men.
I know of more women who cheat, line up the next man while still shagging the current one.

??? Yes women cheat too but that is not the topic of this thread. The OP specifically asked about men.

It is also the case that men are biologically more sex driven than women for basic biology and evolutionary reasons. Animals are designed to procreate to spread their genes. Male animals can have sex with lots of female animals and get many pregnant at any given time. A female animal can only bear the children of one man at one time. Women usually only one child of one man at one time. So women are less testosterony driven to have sex with all comers than men.

Social rules decrees that for humans men having sex will every women to impregnate them and make armies of children is not acceptable - really because historically a man had little guarantee that his wife's child was in fact his. Therefore in order to maximise (Eg) the chances that the son of the King's wife is in fact the legitimate heir, a whole host of social rules were created - women who have sex before marriage are whores, mistresses are ostracised, sex before marriage is unacceptable for women, prostitutes are the lowest form of society and kept in ghetto areas and so on.

All these social rules do not change the basic biological fact that men, particularly younger men, are more sexually driven than men and biologically more likely to cheat. A fertile woman even one on the pill or taking precautions always runs the risk of an unwanted pregnancy which also tends to dial down promiscuous behaviour.

Of course some women cheat. Of course some men cheat. Men and women are sexually different because of basic sexual animal evoloution.

Don't forget also that having sex with someone new that you want and who wants you from the security of a wife at home or a husband, is exciting and dangerous. Contrast that with being on the market and single and trying to find a new partner.

None of this matters because the thread is specifically about men.

Of course they do!
I’m
sorry that your experience makes you question otherwise.

I know more women who've cheated than men..

You can never know this for sure. The object of the adulterer is to keep the adultery secret. Lots of people have one night stands or even longer 'affairs' and it never is known to anyone other than the two involved.

Women also are far more likely to confide in a close friend which will skew any perception. Men rarely talk like that. Some do - I know one who was almost bragging in the pub but he was a very very wealthy narcissist who didn't give a sh*t.

I think there is a lot of truth in this. Got with my husband when we were bith 18. Id had bf before him. He was a virgin until he met me. Never seemed to both him but when he hit mid 40s he got weird. Lots of expensive haircuts, gyms protein shakes clothes wqy too young. Then he cheated. Togerhrr 27 years and despite what he says about the affiar he had being the only..I now dont believe him. I think ge went nuts in the last year of our marriage and slept with quite a few women. He still denies this but maybe it's spreading his wild pats, midlife crisis not sure. What I do know is he didn't give a shit how id feel catching him out, the devastation it has still caused our autisic children, putting my sexual health at risk too. That ill never forgive him for.

Agree. I feel sick now thinking back how I almost caught my ex on the 31st dec in the day when he was meant to be at work. Wouldn't tell ne where he was..eventually came up with some bullshit about a flat tyre on the work van meaning he'd be home late. I caught him being dropped off by the 'manager ' ( other woman not manager). His hair all messed up saying what a shit day he had sorting out thr work van. A month later admitted they were in a hotel around the corner. Bet they both laughed at that almost getting caught as my world and my children's world got set alight.

I mean the ones I know for sure....of course I can't be 100% but rhe ones I've known who've admitted it..more women..maybe they're more honest who knows.

Yes, For some people it is. Not for all people, though.😂

For a number of the Autistic men and women I know, cheating would go against every fibre of their being.
Change is a challenge and having to lie and be deceitful would cause them to shutdown completely.

Absolutely @justmytheory So many women on here saying "my dad/brother" has never cheated.

How the hell do you know?

Same. I was 12 years in and my 'lovely, sweet, loyal' (or so i thought) man cheated when I was pregnant and took off shortly thereafter to where he was getting more sex. I'd say 95% of them would take the offer of a shag if they thought they wouldn't get caught.

I’m not convinced they do exist. I think under the ‘right’ circumstances any man (and probably woman) would cheat.
I would have bet my life/my children’s lives on my husband being faithful, so sure was I of our marriage. Guess what? He wasn’t.

There are "faithful" men and women and there are those who will never be faithful. But for the majority, faithfulness (or not) is often tied to their situation. A man in a marriage who feels disrespected, unloved or doesn't get enough sex will look for validation/sex elsewhere. A man with a roving eye who finds a woman who he is committed to may correct his errant ways. Children sometimes make it impossible for men to cheat on their wives. Some men don't even like sex very much but might have emotional affairs if there is a hole in their lives. Some women think they have their man locked down and give up making an effort, stop trying to look attractive, gain weight, or just don't put effort into caring for the man because they are otherwise distracted with kid, jobs, house, whatever - I see it in women I know - and are then shocked and surprised that their man strays.

Long term relationships are difficult but they need care and attention (from both parties) if they are going to remain committed. Faithfulness is not a fixed part of anyone.