Hand hold needed -so sad

[loopyluna]

Nothing dramatic but I’m blindsided. I started seeing someone in November and have slowly fallen for him. We were seeing each other once or twice a week. Had a couple of long weekends away. We got on so well, had the same values and I felt like he was exactly what I needed -calm, kind, fun…
Last night he phoned me and calmly explained that he just wasn’t in love with me. That he had tried but just didn’t have the feelings and he was sorry.
I have a million thoughts in my head. Haven’t slept and haven’t done anything but mope all day. (Off work this week and no kids at home.)
Part of me can’t accept it’s over like this and wants to reach out, ask to meet and talk it through.
Then the rational voice in my head is telling me that if he doesn’t want me, I have to walk away, keep my integrity and get on with life.
But it hurts so much. Need some virtual hugs and wise words.

Defo don’t contact him , he’s made it clear what he thinks
sorry 😔
can you make a survival plan for getting through this ?

Follow that rationale voice Op. it speaks sense.

it would be wrong to now pursue this. He has been very straight with you. Respect that.

I guess if it's something intangible like not being in love it's hard to fight against. If it was him preferring a different hair colour, appearance thing, doing more shared hobbies, seeing each other 5 times a week or distance for example they are things that could be changed if you wanted to.

Something like that happened to me, not the same but I did persevere and we are together but the question wasnt love, she did love me but there were other things which made her unsure. Which is why I tried. Had she said there was no love then I would not.

Have a good old cry - think about the good things but also the bits that were not as good and try to think that maybe it just wasnt right for either (I,e, age gap, location, Job, body hair etc...) - obviously hard to do if you thought he was perfect!

You could drop him an email to acknowledge, wish the best etc... but say that your feelings are stronger and is this love thing something that can be worked on (without forcing it) or just not going to work. That way you dont have the what ifs later on, but you dont message again and you say that. So you can keep dignity intact and not look desperate.

That’s the thing. I was taken aback last night and didn’t really react or say a lot. He said we can talk again if you like and I said that I thought he’d said everything there was no point.
Which is true but at the same time, I don’t want him to think I didn’t care anyway and lose something so good because I’m too proud to speak up…

He sounds like he tried to gently tell you which is respectful and if I were you I’d chalk it up to experience. if someone doesn’t have the feelings then it shouldn’t be forced or you trying to chase him to talk
Walk away with your dignity intact and have a good cry if it helps

No. I’m not great at sharing my feelings. Maybe part of the problem.

He asked me if I felt the same, ie, loved spending time together but didn’t feel in love in between times.
I was a bit vague and mumbly in response.

We spent 2 days away together last week and it was lovely. Hand on heart, I did lowkey think that he could have messaged more in between seeing each other but that’s all.

If you think you might gain something, for yourself, from meeting up and talking it through then there is no harm in doing that. As long as you are not going there to persuade him to change his mind and are accepting of his decision. But it could well give you some closure if you hear him out and listen to why he feels this way rather than always wondering if there was anything you did. If you see what I mean. Only you know really if this seems a good idea or not.

You can still walk away, head held high and dignity intact, but it will also give you chance to properly say goodbye. It may well help to draw a proper line under this.

Nope. No point. Onwards and upwards

@Betterdeals
I hear you. Thanks so much for your input and I am definitely going to try to follow your advice.

Imagine that you did persuade him to get back with you - you would forever be paranoid that he doesn’t really love you, always trying to please him so he doesn’t leave, doing the ‘pick me’ dance - it would be dreadful. You deserve someone who is absolutely head over heels in love with you and couldn’t bear to let you go, and this man isn’t him. It sounds like he’s been very clear and honest with you about how he feels, so you have to respect that. I’m sorry this has happened to you, it’s shit and it’s going to hurt like hell, but it’s better to know sooner rather than later. Lean into the pain, cry as much as you want, do gentle exercise, get a massage, go for a sauna/cold dip to shock your system. You will come out the other side.

Whatever you do don’t chase this man he has been respectful to tell you his lack of feelings for you. you need to accept this and chalk it up to experience,
chasing him or wanting to talk with him isn’t going to change his lack of feelings for you
walk away with your dignity intact

That’s exactly what I need to hear.
It’s hard but I know you’re right.

@loopyluna Going to go against the grain and say that if it was me, I’d be like you quite in shock and then later wanting answers to help me process this.

This whole ‘in love’ thing is what gets me. So from my calculations it’s been less than 6m that you guys have been dating so it’s not unreasonable to think that you wouldn’t be in love with each other yet. So I was with my ex for about a year until I suddenly felt I loved him and that was because I had a years worth of wonderful memories with him.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in you taking up his offer to chat again. Don’t go in with the view to change his mind but just be honest and let him know how you feel about him inbetween times in answer to his Q and just try to understand what happened and maybe that will help you understand more and gain closure.

No, he’s been really kind and respectful - we must encourage this kind of (rare) behaviour by accepting it with good grace.

It’s nothing you’ve done. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be. Watch some romcoms and cry but don’t take it to mean something is wrong with you. Just feel sad for a while, that’s ok.

I know I’ll wobble so I need to keep coming back to this thread. I just have absolutely no animosity towards him. Even as he was breaking my heart I was thinking how kind and gentle his voice is!
I’m trying to think of any one time he annoyed me but nothing!

He’s gone about this in a really honest and respectful way.

Don’t contact him again. It’s over. Focus on moving on.

No this won’t be it op.

You’ve made no missteps; it just wasn’t to be.

If he had the feelings he wouldn’t break up simply for that, and if he finds he does, on reflection, want to pursue things, he will contact you.

There is nothing to be gained by chasing as he sounds as though he has been decent about the way he did it and it will be what he wanted to say.

It’s possible it’s less to do with not liking you and more that someone else has caught his eye. He may have been unsure until then. Sometimes that can crystallise things.

I’m really sorry you are at this stage of heartbreak but you’re not the first and won’t be the last. Next time 🤞x

I’d say if you need another conversation then do it, at least to get some closure , he’s offered , just say you wasn’t in the right frame of mind when you last spoke, it may help, sorry to hear it thou you sound lovely and it was totally out the blue for you, you’ll get through it no matter what you decide to do.