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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold needed -so sad

92 replies

loopyluna · 06/05/2025 14:21

Nothing dramatic but I’m blindsided. I started seeing someone in November and have slowly fallen for him. We were seeing each other once or twice a week. Had a couple of long weekends away. We got on so well, had the same values and I felt like he was exactly what I needed -calm, kind, fun…
Last night he phoned me and calmly explained that he just wasn’t in love with me. That he had tried but just didn’t have the feelings and he was sorry.
I have a million thoughts in my head. Haven’t slept and haven’t done anything but mope all day. (Off work this week and no kids at home.)
Part of me can’t accept it’s over like this and wants to reach out, ask to meet and talk it through.
Then the rational voice in my head is telling me that if he doesn’t want me, I have to walk away, keep my integrity and get on with life.
But it hurts so much. Need some virtual hugs and wise words.

OP posts:
IceCreamWoes · 06/05/2025 16:56

I've been here before and it's so difficult and I feel for you. You need time, it'll take a number of weeks but you will get over it. Remember teenage heartbreak and you thought your life was over. Probably hard to remember their names now.
Can I suggest deleting his number so you can't contact him? If you really can't do that, give the number to a trusted friend and tell them only to give it back you to after 3 months has passed at the earliest or something. You probably won't want it then!

If he texts you, you can consider replying but at least you can't contact him first when you're drunk, or lonely, or can't sleep (or all three) and then regret it. Better to regret something you didn't do, then something you did (in this case anyway)

sandrevolutionary · 06/05/2025 16:56

There's no such thing as closure. There'll always be "what if" - that's just part of how our brain processes our experiences.

People offer the "meet up to talk" because they're trying to be nice. Same as people who invite you for coffee when they never intend to see you again. No good will come of trying to take him up on it.

It's a horrid feeling but it will ease. He handled it as kindly as he could. Don't draw it out any further. You won't believe us now but you will feel better in a month or two.

TuesdaysChildToday · 06/05/2025 16:58

Without knowing more, it's possible he's met someone else.

Not sure if you met online but some men (and women) will carry on browsing and contact other people.

I think you'd find it very painful to know this, if it is what's happened.

Best leave it and not rub salt into your wounds.

JIMER202 · 06/05/2025 17:00

This is brutal. I’d be finding my rage that he let it go on so long and never gave an inkling sooner!! He has done you a kindness that you will eventually see, but id feel really hurt and duped by all the long weekends away.

Raspberrymoon49 · 06/05/2025 17:00

Maintain dignity OP, no contact

TuesdaysChildToday · 06/05/2025 17:01

@JIMER202 To be fair, he may have been sending out signals that showed he wasn't madly in love, but when the other person is pretty besotted they tend to see only what they want to see.

Hwi · 06/05/2025 17:06

A huge hug. Been there, I think most people have.

Viviennemary · 06/05/2025 17:07

That is sad but at least he had the guts to tell you rather than play daft games like ignoring your texts and ghosting. You just need to move on as best you can. Don't see the point of contacting him for another chat but if you really need more closure then do it. But it might make you feel worse

lifeonmars100 · 06/05/2025 17:09

I am sorry OP, it really hurts, doesn't it? I have had this happen to me a couple of times and it feels like a real body blow. I did "win" one of them back but that was such a mistake as you can't make someone love you and in the end it just postpones the pain. Do you have a good friend who will just be there for you an listen as you go through this difficult time, it can help to talk or just to have a bit of company.

waterrat · 06/05/2025 17:15

oh Op I've been here. please don't follow the advice of trying to 'persuade ' him to give it longer. I had the exact same - really great first few months then he said 'look, I'm just not 'feeling those feelings' that are the next step'

when a man says that - he means he has had enough and its time to move on because it isn't going deeper for him.

actually what my guy said to me was almost identical he said 'i like being with you but when Im not with you I feel single' - it was like a real knife in the heart at the time but you know what - it was honest. Part of me wanted to beg and cry and say oh it's fine lets just keep sleeping together. But..that is a path of pain.

Hold your head up high, believe you will find the real deal and this shows there are good men around - just not this one this time.

He would rather be single than keep seeing you - that is what he has told you absolutely clearly> painful but - what will be more painful is if you try to 'persuade' or talk him back into seeing you even though he has made it clear the feelings just aren't there.

he has been very honest and clear and said he just isn't getting those 'next' feelings we know we get when something is right.

Don't get yourself in a position where he spells it out even more (I've done that before and it's humiliating)

waterrat · 06/05/2025 17:17

also they offer the 'meet up' and keep talking for a couple of reasons - one - he gets on with you and will miss your company so it's a way of stringing it out - maybe even getting to keep shagging you with no commitment

two - it makes him feel like a big sexy guy who you are so into you want to keep talking about it -

we are all weak where our egos are concerned, don't let this be a little moment for him to enjoy the drama and your attention.

LadyKenya · 06/05/2025 17:17

JIMER202 · 06/05/2025 17:00

This is brutal. I’d be finding my rage that he let it go on so long and never gave an inkling sooner!! He has done you a kindness that you will eventually see, but id feel really hurt and duped by all the long weekends away.

How are people supposed to find out how they feel about someone if they do not spend some time with them, which may include going away? He could have been really enjoying the OP's company, and giving it a while to see how he really felt. I fail to see what he has done wrong here.

waterrat · 06/05/2025 17:19

one more thign OP - if you hold your head up really high and politely cut all contact - you never know, he might regret his decision.

but that can only happen if you are VERY dignified and he absolutely knows he would have to come back fully - not dangle you on a string. Let him miss you and believe if it's right between you he may come back. But get on with your life for now.

Bubblesaremyonlyfruit · 06/05/2025 17:21

waterrat · 06/05/2025 17:19

one more thign OP - if you hold your head up really high and politely cut all contact - you never know, he might regret his decision.

but that can only happen if you are VERY dignified and he absolutely knows he would have to come back fully - not dangle you on a string. Let him miss you and believe if it's right between you he may come back. But get on with your life for now.

That’s what I did with my DH. He wanted to be ‘friends’, no chance sunshine, real deal or nothing.

commonsense61 · 06/05/2025 17:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

NotAScoobyDoo2 · 06/05/2025 17:30

He sounds a bit too smooth and the way you talk about him makes me wonder if he was up to no good.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 06/05/2025 17:31

I'm sorry, OP. That sucks.

But ... at least you picked someone to date who had the maturity and grace to let you know respectfully, gracefully and quietly why it wasn't working for him and offered you the chance to ask questions if you had any.

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 06/05/2025 17:36

Don’t contact him. He’s given his reasons and that’s it. It’s awful for you but you deserve someone to be in love with you and really you wouldn’t want any less. One day it won’t hurt as much, just be really kind to yourself.

AltitudeCheck · 06/05/2025 17:38

He sounds like a decent bloke. He told you clearly with no games or drama.

If you contact him let it only be to say while it came as a shock you'd like to thank him for his clear communication, it is ok to say you enjoyed the time together and are sad/ disappointed that he doesn't see it developing further but you respect his honesty / wish him happiness in the future.

Then delete his number and cry in private with your dignity intact x

Hwi · 06/05/2025 17:39

Bubblesaremyonlyfruit · 06/05/2025 17:21

That’s what I did with my DH. He wanted to be ‘friends’, no chance sunshine, real deal or nothing.

Show quote history

Let me shake your paw! Bravo!

sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 06/05/2025 17:46

Don't block him
Don't chase him or see him/talk to him again
Deep breaths and get through it day by day
In a couple if months you'll be so grateful that you acted with grace and dignity

Topsy44 · 06/05/2025 17:48

So sorry. Like others, I have been there too and similar timeline, seeing him about 6 months and had just gone on a mini break together. Came back and he rang me and told me that he didn’t love me.

I was very upset and was like this for quite a while. It’s a shock and will take some time to feel back to normal again.

My advice would be not to contact him however tempted you are. You deserve someone who does love you.

Feel that sadness for a while, dust yourself down and get out there again. Sending a hug because I know how much it hurts.

Hwi · 06/05/2025 17:48

TuesdaysChildToday · 06/05/2025 16:55

@MoominMai I know couples now married for decades who were married after 3 to 6 months.

6 months in for adults (mature- OP says she has children) is long enough and IMO too long if someone isn't feeling it.

Bravo! Spot on. Not just mature people, but even young people - when you know, you know. All this 'let us continue going out and see if we grow on each other' is so artificial, it should have an E number on it. When you love somebody, you are so worried this person will slip away, that you try to grab him/her and grab him/her for yourself only. Usually the long 'getting to know each other dating/sleeping together phase' is a ruse to get the comforts whilst a person is actively looking for a better option. I have known many instances when long-term 'partners' split up and one partner (usually, almost always a man) married a new woman he met a month or two afterwards. (In reality, he probably (I am not sure, but) already met her whilst in a 'long-term loving partnership'.

Treesarenotforeating · 06/05/2025 18:18

He sounds like a thoughtful guy and at least he’s been honest and not strung you along

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/05/2025 18:22

Oh you poor thing.

I had similar happen to me - lovely guy I'd been seeing a lot of. The only drawback was that he wouldn't introduce anyone to me, if we met anyone he knew when we were out together he'd introduce me only as 'Vroom' and would never say what relationship we had. So when he sat me down and said that he liked me but would never fall in love with me because there was no 'spark', I have to admit that I felt a bit used. So I'd been good enough to hang around with, good enough to sleep with, but he was looking for something better all the time! And it made me angry, which helped. I'd thought I was in a relationship, while he'd been looking at it as a FWB situation. The bastard.

Anger helps. Try to think of the worst things about him if you can. I know it's hard when they are basically decent men but there must be something...