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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold needed -so sad

92 replies

loopyluna · 06/05/2025 14:21

Nothing dramatic but I’m blindsided. I started seeing someone in November and have slowly fallen for him. We were seeing each other once or twice a week. Had a couple of long weekends away. We got on so well, had the same values and I felt like he was exactly what I needed -calm, kind, fun…
Last night he phoned me and calmly explained that he just wasn’t in love with me. That he had tried but just didn’t have the feelings and he was sorry.
I have a million thoughts in my head. Haven’t slept and haven’t done anything but mope all day. (Off work this week and no kids at home.)
Part of me can’t accept it’s over like this and wants to reach out, ask to meet and talk it through.
Then the rational voice in my head is telling me that if he doesn’t want me, I have to walk away, keep my integrity and get on with life.
But it hurts so much. Need some virtual hugs and wise words.

OP posts:
IberianBlackout · 06/05/2025 18:33

It probably depends on the person, but after 6 months dating if someone told they weren’t in love with me I’d let it go. That should be (imo) more than time enough to know if you’re in love or not.

I’m one of those people that needs closure talks so I know I’d be tempted to contact him again. If you really don’t want to, I suggest going through everything that might show you his contact and delete and/or block. Even ask a friend to do it for you if needed.

steff13 · 06/05/2025 18:33

NotAScoobyDoo2 · 06/05/2025 17:30

He sounds a bit too smooth and the way you talk about him makes me wonder if he was up to no good.

Like, what, he's a serial killer?

He sounds like a decent guy who didn't want to string her along.

Hopefulblogger · 06/05/2025 18:37

loopyluna · 06/05/2025 14:21

Nothing dramatic but I’m blindsided. I started seeing someone in November and have slowly fallen for him. We were seeing each other once or twice a week. Had a couple of long weekends away. We got on so well, had the same values and I felt like he was exactly what I needed -calm, kind, fun…
Last night he phoned me and calmly explained that he just wasn’t in love with me. That he had tried but just didn’t have the feelings and he was sorry.
I have a million thoughts in my head. Haven’t slept and haven’t done anything but mope all day. (Off work this week and no kids at home.)
Part of me can’t accept it’s over like this and wants to reach out, ask to meet and talk it through.
Then the rational voice in my head is telling me that if he doesn’t want me, I have to walk away, keep my integrity and get on with life.
But it hurts so much. Need some virtual hugs and wise words.

Sorry OP, if it is any help or consolation, I am in the exact same boat. Met in October and it ended last week. I could see he was trying his best to be as into it as I was but I called it in the end as it was too stressful. Same thing, really nice person, no drama or nastiness at all. This is the worst part. 6 months doesn’t seem long in the grand scheme of things but it is enough to make you feel awful. I haven’t blocked (not much need to really). He wants friendship but yeah, real deal or nothing I think. I’m moping too but of course it will pass. Sending all the healing ❤️‍🩹

Sunflowermoonbeam · 06/05/2025 18:59

This happened to be with my first love/relationship at age 20 for the same reason, he hadn't fallen in love. We'd only dated 3 months but I fell hard and had all my firsts with him. It absolutely broke my heart into pieces and I was a broken person for 2 years. You have my utmost sympathy, it sounds dramatic but heartbreak is life changing, I wasn't the same person after but now I look back and realise I like the person it made me. Be brave but cry all the tears for as long as they appear, hugs. My advice is cut all contact, that is the only way. Also I got some closure with one last sleepover 😉 it reopened all the pain momentarily but I think allowed me to start healing at last and fully know it was over

waterrat · 06/05/2025 19:13

It's so painful OP. I would really advise do not have any further chats. All that is is an ego stroke for him - wanting to ask how you felt, how much you liked him - you will walk away feeling crushed and humiliated for spilling your feelings and 'asking ' for explanations of why he doesn't want to be with you

I was not strong enough when I was younger and could never quite let go

I agree with above poster - heartbreak is life changing

I was about 30 when this happened to me and I thought - that's it I will end up alone!! Within a year I had met my husband who I am very happy with many years later.

Truly - life can change in an instant - this might be the relationship that taught you what you were REALLY Looking for - so that you can find it more easily - get out there and get over him.

babymamalove · 06/05/2025 19:45

He sounds sweet, you sound sweet. It’s so frustrating in life when things like this happen but it just wasn’t meant to be. You’ll be OK 💐

Eagle2025 · 06/05/2025 19:57

BeerAndMusic · 06/05/2025 14:31

I guess if it's something intangible like not being in love it's hard to fight against. If it was him preferring a different hair colour, appearance thing, doing more shared hobbies, seeing each other 5 times a week or distance for example they are things that could be changed if you wanted to.

Something like that happened to me, not the same but I did persevere and we are together but the question wasnt love, she did love me but there were other things which made her unsure. Which is why I tried. Had she said there was no love then I would not.

Have a good old cry - think about the good things but also the bits that were not as good and try to think that maybe it just wasnt right for either (I,e, age gap, location, Job, body hair etc...) - obviously hard to do if you thought he was perfect!

You could drop him an email to acknowledge, wish the best etc... but say that your feelings are stronger and is this love thing something that can be worked on (without forcing it) or just not going to work. That way you dont have the what ifs later on, but you dont message again and you say that. So you can keep dignity intact and not look desperate.

Sorry what do you mean body hair? 😆 just being lighthearted as I can see people have given lots of good advice to OP already

BeerAndMusic · 06/05/2025 23:54

Eagle2025 · 06/05/2025 19:57

Sorry what do you mean body hair? 😆 just being lighthearted as I can see people have given lots of good advice to OP already

Show quote history

just trying to give examples of what may put people off others - my back is pretty hairy so wax it now, some women wouldn't like that (and I also know someone who told me a bloke she was seeing waxed most of his body which for her was off-putting

Wineee · 07/05/2025 01:00

I'm sorry op.

It hurts. I know.

He's made a choice. If you need to know more then ask the questions you need to know and listen to what he says...other than that let it go and I'm sorry lovie x

Eagle2025 · 07/05/2025 07:40

BeerAndMusic · 06/05/2025 23:54

just trying to give examples of what may put people off others - my back is pretty hairy so wax it now, some women wouldn't like that (and I also know someone who told me a bloke she was seeing waxed most of his body which for her was off-putting

Show quote history

It just made me laugh as it was added on after bigger life issues such as location, job, age gap- and then suddenly body hair!

OnlyHasEyesForLoki · 07/05/2025 07:56

I think the important thing to prepare for is if he resurfaces and says “I’ve been thinking …” and tries to hoover you back up you’ll know it’s all been part of a cycle to destabilise and discard you and then when he can’t find supply somewhere else pick you back up and know you’ll accept this behaviour and round you go again.

Do not contact him and give him the green light to do this.

Calliopespa · 07/05/2025 07:58

Eagle2025 · 07/05/2025 07:40

It just made me laugh as it was added on after bigger life issues such as location, job, age gap- and then suddenly body hair!

Show quote history

😂
🐫

Eagle2025 · 07/05/2025 08:06

Calliopespa · 07/05/2025 07:58

😂
🐫

Show quote history

I wonder if a guy has ever dumped me for not being thorough enough with the razor 😆

Calliopespa · 07/05/2025 08:07

Eagle2025 · 07/05/2025 08:06

I wonder if a guy has ever dumped me for not being thorough enough with the razor 😆

Show quote history

A bristly bikini line.👙

SwanOfThoseThings · 07/05/2025 08:08

JIMER202 · 06/05/2025 17:00

This is brutal. I’d be finding my rage that he let it go on so long and never gave an inkling sooner!! He has done you a kindness that you will eventually see, but id feel really hurt and duped by all the long weekends away.

That's a bit harsh! He's allowed to decide the relationship isn't working for him, after giving it a fair chance - he told the OP in what sounds like a kind and straightforward way, no game playing or ghosting or slow-fading - what more can you ask for?

LeftieRightsHoarder · 07/05/2025 08:43

Sending you a big warm hug, OP. I’ve been there too and it’s horrible, especially after six months when he’s had plenty of time to know if he’s feeling it or not. I suspect he’s been seeing other women, but it doesn’t make any difference now. I hope you’ve got friends around you, and let them cheer you up. Be kind to yourself too xx

fishandchipslunch · 08/05/2025 21:08

Sounds painful OP but he has been respectful by being honest with you

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