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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand hold needed -so sad

92 replies

loopyluna · 06/05/2025 14:21

Nothing dramatic but I’m blindsided. I started seeing someone in November and have slowly fallen for him. We were seeing each other once or twice a week. Had a couple of long weekends away. We got on so well, had the same values and I felt like he was exactly what I needed -calm, kind, fun…
Last night he phoned me and calmly explained that he just wasn’t in love with me. That he had tried but just didn’t have the feelings and he was sorry.
I have a million thoughts in my head. Haven’t slept and haven’t done anything but mope all day. (Off work this week and no kids at home.)
Part of me can’t accept it’s over like this and wants to reach out, ask to meet and talk it through.
Then the rational voice in my head is telling me that if he doesn’t want me, I have to walk away, keep my integrity and get on with life.
But it hurts so much. Need some virtual hugs and wise words.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 06/05/2025 15:04

loopyluna · 06/05/2025 14:59

I know I’ll wobble so I need to keep coming back to this thread. I just have absolutely no animosity towards him. Even as he was breaking my heart I was thinking how kind and gentle his voice is!
I’m trying to think of any one time he annoyed me but nothing!

I’m sorry oP. That is hard. 😔

Original poster
loopyluna · 06/05/2025 15:04

@loopyluna Going to go against the grain and say that if it was me, I’d be like you quite in shock and then later wanting answers to help me process this.
This whole ‘in love’ thing is what gets me. So from my calculations it’s been less than 6m that you guys have been dating so it’s not unreasonable to think that you wouldn’t be in love with each other yet.

Yes, just under 6 months. I was just enjoying the moment and trying not to go overboard too soon. (Obviously the way I feel today proves that I had developed feelings despite this!)

OP posts:
amooseymoomum · 06/05/2025 15:06

its best let it go. he had the courage to tell you how he felt which is far better than carry on leading a lie and giving you false hope. You will find a better relationship to help you spoil yourself a bit, manicure, massage, shopping trip, anything to spoil yourself a bit hugs

KurtShirty · 06/05/2025 15:08

It’s so painful isn’t it. You just have to love yourself loads now and know it will get easier, this is the worst bit, it will pass

OrangeCrushes · 06/05/2025 15:09

Really sorry, OP. That would be so upsetting.

Having been through way too many similar situations myself, my advice to you is to cut off all contact and block him. This may sound extreme, but imo it's the only way to truly heal, and to avoid getting sucked into a lengthy pick me dance situation. This will open up your heart and your time for when someone better comes along.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and do things that make you feel good x

oviraptor21 · 06/05/2025 15:10

dollyblue01 · 06/05/2025 15:03

I’d say if you need another conversation then do it, at least to get some closure , he’s offered , just say you wasn’t in the right frame of mind when you last spoke, it may help, sorry to hear it thou you sound lovely and it was totally out the blue for you, you’ll get through it no matter what you decide to do.

I agree with this.
I think it could be helpful for you.
But let there be no mistake, this is not a play to 'win' him back. It's just about laying the relationship to rest and getting a better closure than you currently have.

Sunbline · 06/05/2025 15:14

Sorry to hear this OP, although it hurts and it's understandable you're sad about it, at least he's been honest about it. I agree with others that he won't change his mind and engaging in further conversation or whatever won't help you move on. I also agree it's best to block him for your own sake.

BunnyLake · 06/05/2025 15:15

Sometimes it’s just chemical. You can be doing all the right things but for one of you (or even both) the chemicals just aren't reacting. Look at it more like science.

As someone else said, watch some romcoms (box of tissues and chocolates at hand), sob your heart out and then move on. 💐

Notshoppingagain · 06/05/2025 15:16

I can understand wanting closure if someone disappeared but in your case he told you clearly what the issue was and why he was ending it. I would not contact him to discuss it. He might contact you again in the future (they always do 🤣) so be prepared for that

Calliopespa · 06/05/2025 15:21

I actually think another conversation would be a bit unfair to both of you op.

It’s harder for you but won’t have been elan easy conversation for him either. He’s been honest and straightforward; don’t make him have to do it twice.

And no matter how disciplined you try to be, you’ll be hoping he changes his mind. He won’t. And you’ll just go through this sadness and disappointment again. You’ve been dignified and can at least walk away without having made a pain of yourself in the dumping phase. He’ll think well of you in that memory. Just let that be it.

If he has second thoughts he’ll let you know.

LBFseBrom · 06/05/2025 15:35

He's been honest with you, op. You both tried and six months is long enough to know if it is the real deal or not.

I've no doubt he thinks a lot of you and will probably miss you for a while.

It is possible to have a decent relationship without great declarations of love and commitment, some are better like that. He obviously wants a commitment and is being careful about it. Better to end it now before you are too entangled.

However you were emotionally entangled and I feel for you. It hurts now but that will fade, honestly.

VirgosNeedGoals · 06/05/2025 15:44

Do NOT block him OP awful advice you will just look petty and ridiculous - but definitely do cut all ties. We've all been there. Hurts like fuck x

Tricho · 06/05/2025 15:46

Oh OP im sorry, this is so sad and you have my sympathy

You need to think of it as done now. Even if he had a change of heart, you never read a book twice and expect a different ending.

Tricho · 06/05/2025 15:47

VirgosNeedGoals · 06/05/2025 15:44

Do NOT block him OP awful advice you will just look petty and ridiculous - but definitely do cut all ties. We've all been there. Hurts like fuck x

Are blocking and "cutting all ties" not the same thing?

I'd block, sounds like a healthy survival strategy

shewasasaint · 06/05/2025 15:55

It’s painful but there’s nothing to talk about.

You can’t force him to fall in love with you.

FlowerUser · 06/05/2025 15:58

It's all so raw and immediate and it hurts, I'm sure. But this is just today.

An old friend says you're allowed to wallow for a week for every month you were together and a month for every year. After that then you have to start getting out. So give yourself six weeks to be upset and hurt and grieve. Then you should feel better enough that you can face the world again xx

Gloriia · 06/05/2025 15:59

It's normal to feel sad and disappointed when a relationship ends. Are you young or have you experienced this before?

All you can do look after yourself, see friends and move on. Be grateful he was honest and didn't string you along until he met someone else.

GroovyChick87 · 06/05/2025 16:04

Ah I've been there and it hurts, especially when it's hard to understand the reasons why. I think if he's offering to talk it through, do it over the phone and avoid seeing him in person. That's going to hurt you more. Whatever you do, protect your feelings and don't beg him to change his mind. You're worth more than that and deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Time and space.

TheRoundTable1983 · 06/05/2025 16:11

Betterdeals · 06/05/2025 14:24

Follow that rationale voice Op. it speaks sense.

it would be wrong to now pursue this. He has been very straight with you. Respect that.

This!

ItGhoul · 06/05/2025 16:15

loopyluna · 06/05/2025 14:39

That’s the thing. I was taken aback last night and didn’t really react or say a lot. He said we can talk again if you like and I said that I thought he’d said everything there was no point.
Which is true but at the same time, I don’t want him to think I didn’t care anyway and lose something so good because I’m too proud to speak up…

I don’t want him to think I didn’t care anyway and lose something so good because I’m too proud to speak up…

I don't mean to sound brutal here, but he didn't end it because he thought you didn't care. He ended it because he doesn't love you. 'Speaking up' isn't going to make him fall in love with you if he's just not feeling it. You will be prolonging the agony by going back to him. He has said what he needed to say and it will only hurt you more to hear him reiterate it.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's such a horrible feeling and I'm sure most of us have experienced it at some time in our lives and know all too well what it's like. I can only sympathise and promise you that with time, it will get easier xx

Hdpr · 06/05/2025 16:17

I agree, he ended it because he doesn’t feel the same as you. There is nothing for you to explain to him and you don’t need answers - he already gave you them.
Do not contact him, just sit on your hands. It hurts like hell now but it won’t always. He’s been respectful, you need to be respectful back by not trying to cling on

Ilovelisting · 06/05/2025 16:31

OP, there’s a special kind of loneliness in pursuing a feeling from someone who just doesn’t feel it. There is no choice here in which you get to feel great but there definitely is a choice that’ll be better for your soul and less painful in the long run. For now, let him go, sit with the feelings and be as good to yourself as you can. This too will pass.

loulouljh · 06/05/2025 16:36

Walk away with dignity intact however hard that is....

TuesdaysChildToday · 06/05/2025 16:50

I'm so sorry.

We've all been there and it's shit.

I'd not contact him. It will only make it worse.

As well as experiencing being hurt, I think we also know when we aren't 'feeling it'.

It's horrible having to tell the other person.

I can see where he's coming from.

He probably thought you were 'okay' and it just needed more time for the stronger feelings to kick in.

I know men and women who've 'given it time' especially if they meet online without any other contact except that.

I think if you contact him it will hurt more. What can he say to help?
Probably stuff along the lines that you are a lovely person, you're pretty, witty, intelligent, good fun etc etc BUT that missing 1% of chemistry isn't there.

Do you really want that rubbed in?

Try to do something to spoil yourself. Buy something as a treat, phone a friend, wallow and cry your eyes out for a few hours, go for a long walk, eat ice cream- whatever.

Then brush yourself down and say it's his loss!

Good luck x

TuesdaysChildToday · 06/05/2025 16:55

@MoominMai I know couples now married for decades who were married after 3 to 6 months.

6 months in for adults (mature- OP says she has children) is long enough and IMO too long if someone isn't feeling it.