‘Sexy bitch’ in bed. Acceptable?

[Fordscorpion]

Fourth date with new man last night. Had sex for the first time. He called me a ‘sexy bitch’ as we were doing it, and also a ‘dirty girl’ at one point.

Now, I know that literally I am neither a bitch nor dirty (‘sexy’ is highly debatable as well, to be fair. And I am a woman, not a girl, but that’s not the point), but I wonder whether I should take it as a compliment that he seemed to be enjoying the shag, or feel annoyed about it. Am I being over sensitive? He wasn’t saying it nastily - I think he was trying to be complimentary! Certainly no other red flags from last night. Thoughts?

Doesn't everyone do a long jump into bed? I have to cut short the run up because I only live in a semi-d with a small landing, but there's no excuse for not giving it your best effort.

On the dirty talk- I love a certain amount of dirty talk (although weirdly, I've only ever loved it from DP, not from anyone else) but I had to tell DP that I'd be happy to hear some before he would do it. It wasn't something he'd have rolled out without my input first. I think if he'd done it very early into dating, and without sounding me out about it first, I'd have been a bit unsettled.

Its unsettling because without the foundation of a secure relationship, its objectifying. Statements like 'you are so sexy', 'I love having sex with you' states a connection between you, and cements the relationship.
Sex is something you do together; or its something one person does to another person who could be anyone.

Yup.

Eh? It was a 4th date, perfectly normal timeline to see if the sex is going to work or not before investing any more effort in the relationship.

Tell him you don’t like it and what you’d prefer instead. Sex is about communication and no new date is going to know what turns you on - we all start with the repertoire we’ve collected from previous partners and maybe other gfs requested he do it. I call my DH some very silly nick names which could be considered infantilising by other men but DH loves it - I wouldn’t have been offended if he didn’t though. I’m not big on dirty talk and have somehow ended up dating equally vanilla men so haven’t personally encountered a man who called me a bitch in bed but I wouldn’t like it either. Not an immediate deal breaker as if it happened only in the bedroom and no where else, I’d assume he enjoyed a specific dirty talk. But I’d expect him to stop it once I said I didn’t like it.

If this bloke doesn’t take your feedback then you have answer re: compatibility and how he respects your wishes.

Some people find this talk just ridiculous, some hilariously funny, some insulting and demeaning and some find it a turn on. Given all that, it wasn't the best idea to give it a go first time without a prior conversation.
But it's worth having a conversation now. What happens after that will inform you much more about him.

It sounds like you aren't anti it, just a bit thrown by how quickly he started talking in that vein. I'd probably say nothing for now and see what happens the next couple of times you have sex, to see how big a feature it is for him and if that bothers you. As an aside I don't think calling someone a "sexy bitch" has the same connotations as "bitch" per se, it's more a turn of phrase that's intended to be complimentary, rather than anything derogatory in my opinion. Unless of course you think the word bitch is inherently derogatory regardless of context, in which case fair enough, but it doesn't feel like an aggressive phrase to me.

I had a GF who liked that sort of thing, even choking (which I was not 100% with) but it was her than told me what to do rather than me jump in.

I will never knock anyones tastes - if you like it great. If not then say so.

I would always discuss before anything outside of the norm. I did have one GF who was very refreshing and had that chat before sex saying she likes x, y z and doesnt like a, b c.

“I got to thinking…was I indeed a sexy bitch?”

Maybe it’s all a Descartesian role play?

He likes talking dirty and is probably into a bit of dom/sub sex judging from the language.

I prefer a dominant partner during sex but if my DH started chatting shit at me mid coitus I'd either laugh or puke.

You need to decide if you like it or not and take it from there, but I have to say it is a little bit weird just assuming you'd find this acceptable without having had a prior conversation.

@Nevertrustacop has definitely nailed it. My DH sometimes uses language I hate , and I have told him, but I know when he does use this language, it’s because he’s away in the moment, and because I love him, I tolerate it!

Dirty talk is fine IF they've asked you if you are ok with it first. Just be cautious of him assuming he has the right to do things without asking first.
Another thing to watch out for is hands on your throat. That's a big red flag.

But, pull him up and see how he takes that. Chances are he'll be apologetic and it's all good.

Of course you can. However, when somebody has had the time to get to know you they'll have more of an idea of how to treat you and where your boundaries lie. This fella clearly didn't, hence your post...

Getting into bed with someone before actually knowing them isn't ideal in my opinion. Each to their own obviously, horses for courses etc but the OPs post shows how this can play out.

Maybe for some, but a selective guy with options will draw his own conclusions I imagine. Some men categorise women as fun or potential wives. Not all, obviously.

Instant ick.

I got Hugh Grant (Daniel Clever) vibes from Bridget Jones Diary. He used 'dirty bitch' as a sort of compliment.

Did you like it? Good carry on. Didn't like it? Tell him so. This is the issue with so many people these days - men and women are not mind readers - if you feel a certain way about what he called you when you are shagging - as in you hated it then tell him. If you shag him again and he repeats it without knowing you hate it, you then cant be angry at him!

Lol

Maybe the OP just wants a shag, not a ring

I’ve been dating someone now for just over two months and I said ‘get on top of me bitch’ the first time we had sex. It was just a heat of the moment thing for me as I was enjoying it so much but she told me afterwards she didn’t like it at all ( the name calling, not the sex! ) , I apologised profusely and have never called her anything similar since.

It’s all about knowing each others boundaries and in theory, you’d talk about these sorts of things first but the reality is it’s rarely discussed and we ( usually men ) learn from our mistakes.

if he keeps doing it then he’s being really disrespectful, if he refrains from derogatory dirty talk in the future then it shows he’s listened to you and respects you.

It wouldn’t bother me.

If that's all she wants then it seems the guy called it correctly.

Balloons for everyone!

It’s his attempt at dirty talk. Don’t think he read the room first though.

He wasn't given enough time to read the room...😱😂