Showed up at his place and got dragged

[Daisy556]

was With him for 4 years, he cheated in that time and we’ve tried to work things out. Since then it’s been about 2 years. I’ve been off with him, mean, cold, short tempered. The other week trying to go on his phone & I realise passcode has changed & then he blamed it on me invading his privacy. He gave me the passcode and then the changes it again 2 days later and refuses to give it so I said u either give it or leave. He came into my face and I punched him away, wasn’t hard atall.
he decided to leave that night and since then been saying he doesn’t want the relationship, I then suggested a break. Which he was like yh.. 4 days in I just feel something isn’t right and we start talking again, talking about accepting relationship is over: him saying we can still be friends. He keeps ignoring my calls, and then at a certain time at night going silent.

last night which I would say literally 10pm just gone I drove down there to just collect my things and just move on with my life but as I ring the bell, he comes down and blocks the entry and I’m just thinking this is so strange. So I’m attempting to walk up the stairs bc he’s never ever been like this and he’s dragging me back, grabbing my whole body and pulling me down the stairs, literally we was there for a good 5 mins.

till he finally said “im seeing someone else”, I told him yh that’s fine im here to collect my things. As in the past he’s told me im welcome at any time. Girl walks over to the door as im screaming out of the amount of pain im in as he’s stopping me fr entering and he still trying to stop me from seeing her. Eventually girl leaves and he speaks to her in polish so I haven’t got a clue what’s being said and we talk and he says in those 4 days since that night he feels nothing for me. He was telling the night after he wouldn’t give me his passcode that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and he has never ever said this so I thought it was just out of character and the amount of times I’ve said that to him and next day we’re back together like nothing is normal.

anyways yes he said he’s moved on and seeing someone new in just 4 days out of a 4 year relationship and won’t tell me when he started speaking to her and he also has 2 phones which I was unaware about. I’m presuming the other one had her on there and normal phone everyone else. He’s also save me as N in his phone.
i just need help processing everything. I know i will never ever go back to that man and i dount he’ll ever come back as I dashed his food all over his room and himself.
I just feel numb to it all. How easily he can move on..

pls just help me process all this.

He changed his policy of access to no access because he broke up with her. What are you and the OP not getting about that? He's perfectly within his rights to stop his ex from strolling into his home when she shows up late at night under the pretence of wanting to get her things.

The OP is lucky he didn't call the police. Barging into his home and then causing criminal damage is not excused by him cheating on her.

If the woman wasn’t there he would have happily let me walk in and even stay the night. It’s only bc she was there he’s acted like this which I’ve never ever experienced before

Just take a tiny step back from that sentence. The relationship has had four years of feeling like you’re going crazy, and something makes you go back for more.

You really need to think about why that is what you want, or why it is enough?
If you describe what it is that you want in and from a relationship- is it this?

Have you blocked him?
Is he dead to you?
Can you see yet that the drama of last night is totally in character for the relationship between you and him. That sort of dynamic is all that’s ever on offer from him.

… but you did know why.

You knew as soon as he tried to get you to leave that someone else was there.
And your reaction was not to walk away with your head held high. It was to do what you did, giving him every bit of the moral high ground, and deflecting from the fact he was having sex with someone else.

He sounds worthless. You need to ensure that's the last of it with him, no contact.
However totally aside from anything he's done, you've behaved appallingly. Don't let a man's actions make you stoop to that level. Have some self respect and rise above it. You do not ever have the right to force entry into someone's property. Your actions are way over the top and just giving him a reason to say you're crazy etc. Block, delete, move on and get a good therapist.

Agree. They both sound toxic and abusive and the relationship is a complete shit show.

The only positive is that no kids are involved in this total car crash.

If the woman wasn’t there he would have happily let me walk in and even stay the night.

Again, have a deep think about that. You are just one of any exchangeable hole to him. Any hole’s a goal.

This guy is such a complete loser. You can say he brings out the worst in you, that should long ago have been the clue to get him the fuck out of your life.

To the poster who reported the thread for piling up on a vulnerable person. You going "I hope you ok" will not help the poster in any way and is actually counter constructive. OP needs to see from outside perspective that at least 2 instances from what she described can land her in jail. Cheating, as shitty as it is, will not, and is not a green light to treat others like that. Relationship break down all the time. If that was a man writing this post you wouldn't call him vulnerable. Blame the cheater all you want, it won't wash in a court. If I was him I would have you arrested and I would want bail conditions in place to keep you away from me. You either work things out or not, you can't use it as an exuse to being abusive.

You're trying to paint yourself in a good light, making excuses and saying that you are a nice person. You're trying to put all of the blame on to him and take zero accountability for your own actions. You need to first accept that you are abusive and then begin to work on that.

All this nonsense about how you didn't hit him "that hard" and how you wouldn't have physically fought your way into his home but he made you, is all textbook for an abuser. Take some responsibility for your own actions and then you can start to put this behind you and be a better person.

Honestly OP as someone mentioned a previous thread, I just had a look.

I mean this with kindness, please get urgent therapy because your endless threads come across that you really have major issues that you need help with because your pattern of thoughts and behaviour is absolutely destructive and bordering on unhinged.

You need to be out of a relationship and dealing with your own issues before even thinking about sharing life with a partner.

This could have been writing about my ex. I've been there, in this dynamic. You need to get out before you completely lose your sense of self.

You went round late at night thinking you'd either catch him out, or he'd ask you to stay the night and you'd be back together again.

I know the feeling that even when you know someone is bad for you, you don't want to lose the relationship because at least it's familiar and when men like him are in a "nice" phase they can be some of the most lovely, thoughtful people around, then "bam!" the switch and you don't know where it's come from, but you're told it's your fault. You swing from massive highs when it's good, to massive lows when it's switched again.

For these men it's a power thing. They do it because they get a kick out of the power they have over you.

It's not easy to walk away, but you need to. You know he's cheated at least twice. You have evidence of that. If you stay he might say he's changed, he might make it look like he's prepared to put in the work. He won't. He'll say what you want to hear and then you'll end up back at square one.

I know people often suggest therapy. Not everyone can afford it, but if you've got close friends, talk to them. Let them know what's happening and let them support you. Spend some time on self-reflection and start working on building a different life. What do you want your life to look like? What's important to you? Then start making changes to make those things happen.

You can do it.

He didn't 'start it' - you're not longer together, so you don't just waltz into his house. Neither of you have behaved well, but I'm sorry he treated you so badly and hurt you.

The best thing you can do is look after yourself and forget about him.

No, let's flip this around properly, with real equivalence.

If the woman was honest about having cheated on him ...and continuing to cheat on him while all this was happening I think she'd get plenty of criticism.

If she was honest a out not wanting her ex of 4 days in her home mainly because he would see the man she'd been cheating on him with, (and the new man would also see her ex and realise how much of an overlap there was, if he didn't already know) .... people would be less critical of her ex re. the subsequent situation.

He changed his policy of access to no access because he broke up with her.

No he didn't luv.

You either haven't been around cheaters/players much or you're being deliberately obtuse.

Op, this guy seems to be a habitual cheater and liar.

These men are not relationship material.

As soon as you find out, get rid of them.

And they usually show some signs even before/without being caught cheating.

There are men who are relationship material, he's not it.

He's the "casual fuck" category if you like casual fucks (many women can't do them without getting attached & emotional) and even then, he'd probably give you something nasty cause he puts it about quite a bit.

Most men don't try to have relationships with women who are his equivalent either. They just use them for sex.

Let other women be his screeching, crying Jeremy Kyle contestant side kick. Find yourself a man not like him if you want a relationship.

I feel hopeless like I can’t live without him.

Trauma bond maybe.

10 pm is the middle of the night?

I think the neighbours better get used to it ...given his behaviour in relationships.

You need counselling ASAP. Maybe even book an emergency appointment to get some medication in the meantime.

When I split up after finding out cheating I honestly thought I was going to die from the heartbreak. It’s understandable that you couldn’t move on from the cheating, but then you shouldn’t have taken him back. It only prolonged your suffering.

Everyone has a choice in life - if you choose to stay with someone after that, then that’s on you. You can’t blame anyone but yourself for going crazy over lack of trust!!

Yes, I agree , the amount of justifications and the defending is crazy. No matter who would write this male or female, if one cheats and continues to cheat you walk away, don't go around behaving like a lunatic and punching people. Nobody forces you to be with a cheater, is your choice, so don't blame your choice for your behaviour. Plus, as shitty as it is, cheating is not abuse as other posters said, at least not under the legal definition. If it would be, it would be arrestable.

No you’re lying. We have broken up more times than I can count and when I’ve come around he’s let me straight in and I’ve done the same with him. I was only not let in bc he was hiding a woman and he said it himself yesterday

@Daisy556 it doesn’t really matter the why you weren’t let in - you showed up unannounced to an ex’s house to collect stuff. Was he disgusting? Yes, of course. But unfortunately that doesn’t entitle you to go batshit too.

FWIW, I do consider cheating emotional abuse.

No one is lying here though. If you broke up that means he had the right to his space without you being there. What did you do in the past is irelevant, is still his house, he still has no obligation to let you in, and you should not assume he has to let you in. The fact that you say you broke up so many times tells me how toxic this relationship is. Kindly, take the time to cry, grieve, take off work if needed. Then start to piece the bits together. Block him, start afresh. Look after yourself: a bulbble bath, a facial, a nice wine, a good book. Anything to make you fell better. Be kind to yourself, go to a shopping spree, a spa, a nice caffee, visit a new town. No need to spend lots of money. Walk on the beach. Make peace and accept the end of your relationship and the beggining of a new you. You will see that slowly, the pain will subdue, then the relief will come, the burden of fighting, crying, making up, lack of trust, all these burdening feelings will lift. And you willl feel relief and so much lighter. And
you will breathe. Trully, lungs- filling -oxygen-rich, breathe. No more drama, no more distrust, no more looking over your shoulder, or in his phone, no more " where is he know"'-s and you will feel great. Then, of course, it will come "what the hell I was thinking" rage but that would be for another day. If you get to that day, you know you are on the other side.