Showed up at his place and got dragged

[Daisy556]

was With him for 4 years, he cheated in that time and we’ve tried to work things out. Since then it’s been about 2 years. I’ve been off with him, mean, cold, short tempered. The other week trying to go on his phone & I realise passcode has changed & then he blamed it on me invading his privacy. He gave me the passcode and then the changes it again 2 days later and refuses to give it so I said u either give it or leave. He came into my face and I punched him away, wasn’t hard atall.
he decided to leave that night and since then been saying he doesn’t want the relationship, I then suggested a break. Which he was like yh.. 4 days in I just feel something isn’t right and we start talking again, talking about accepting relationship is over: him saying we can still be friends. He keeps ignoring my calls, and then at a certain time at night going silent.

last night which I would say literally 10pm just gone I drove down there to just collect my things and just move on with my life but as I ring the bell, he comes down and blocks the entry and I’m just thinking this is so strange. So I’m attempting to walk up the stairs bc he’s never ever been like this and he’s dragging me back, grabbing my whole body and pulling me down the stairs, literally we was there for a good 5 mins.

till he finally said “im seeing someone else”, I told him yh that’s fine im here to collect my things. As in the past he’s told me im welcome at any time. Girl walks over to the door as im screaming out of the amount of pain im in as he’s stopping me fr entering and he still trying to stop me from seeing her. Eventually girl leaves and he speaks to her in polish so I haven’t got a clue what’s being said and we talk and he says in those 4 days since that night he feels nothing for me. He was telling the night after he wouldn’t give me his passcode that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and he has never ever said this so I thought it was just out of character and the amount of times I’ve said that to him and next day we’re back together like nothing is normal.

anyways yes he said he’s moved on and seeing someone new in just 4 days out of a 4 year relationship and won’t tell me when he started speaking to her and he also has 2 phones which I was unaware about. I’m presuming the other one had her on there and normal phone everyone else. He’s also save me as N in his phone.
i just need help processing everything. I know i will never ever go back to that man and i dount he’ll ever come back as I dashed his food all over his room and himself.
I just feel numb to it all. How easily he can move on..

pls just help me process all this.

I don't think you acted like a loon.

He prevented you from going into his place like you normally would and you were shocked and then (correctly) suspicious about why .....

And the reason why was that he didn't really want you seeing the woman he's been cheating on you with (cause there's no way he started a new relationship in four days) which was proof that he was cheating and lying to you.

It's hardly a situation that would make most people calm and chilled.

However it is a demonstration of why there is no point in continuing to see a proven cheat, esp one who's guarded about their phone etc.

They drag you down to their level. They drive you crazy. They put you in shit situations. You end up involved in their Jeremy Kyle contestant shit.

He had every right to refuse you access to his home, you were trespassing on his property.

He has every right but the main reason he didn't want her in there was that it would prove that he's been cheating on her and lying to her.

Let's not ignore basic facts.

In any case, it's best to stay the fuck away from him and not get caught up in the cluster fuck of a life he inflicted on the women he's involved with.

Op, this type of man will have you - as some African Americans say - "looking crazy in these streets".

They are worthless.

Pity the Polish woman - who's his next victim - and look after yourself and move on

He doesn't represent men, he just represents the worst of them

There are other men out there, you can have a relationship in tine.

Do you think you need counselling due to this relationship or in general?

A lot of people who do not understand reactive abuse here AND who are being unnecessarily cruel. Pretty sad.

Hope you’re ok @Daisy556 x

Let's face it, you didn't go over there at 10pm to collect your things, you went over there to check on him and to see if there was anyone else there.

Anyone who was looking to use collect their things and walk away would arrange a mutually convenient time, not rock up at bedtime. I'd be seriously pissed off if anyone turned up at my house at 10pm without good reason, especially a recent ex (and collecting your things is not a good reason).

You now know he is seeing someone else and was almost certainly seeing her before things finished with you. You've got your answers, you've got closure.

Saying, "we'll still be friends" is usually just a pacifying comment made when people are splitting up. Few people remain genuine friends (though I know some), but certainly not friends of a level where you can just turn up at each others homes at 10pm for trivial reasons.

Your job now is to let this go. It won't necessarily be easy, but keep yourself busy and start building up a different life for yourself without him in it. It's tough and lonely at first, but one day you'll realise that you see a different future to the one you were seeing before and you'll realise he's inconsequential to you. What you feel for him is not love. Love doesn't take this much effort.

Cheaters like him like to have women in rotation.

Because when you cheat and fuck around ...... Women will eventually leave/stop seeing you/move on - so you need a rotation of a few on hand/as a back up.

Men like him think it's easy to turn "friendship" into fwb and that if they stay in your life, you'll continue to be hooked on them emotionally etc.

I've been with men like him and they'll rarely cut you off. They need plenty of options because a. they want plenty of options but also because b. women will be constantly getting pissed off and moving on due, to being cheated on and related mistreatment.

The two I knew wouldn't really ever cut you off unless you were seeing/having sex with another man. Because they're quite possessive (very ironically given their own little harem) plus they know they no longer have that emotional and sexual hook into you; when another man is diluting that or has it instead.

i do realise I acted crazy and shouldn’t have barged my way in and done what I did but he started it by pushing me for no reason when I tried to enter calmly like I usually do

Nope. You were not invited in. In fact the opposite. And you barged in. Doesn’t matter if you tried to enter calmly, you were not invited in and he made that clear, so he tried to remove you.

if I’m that horrible and awful to him

You're not.

You were just behaving the way cheated on people behave when they suspect they're still being cheated on (correctly) however the much better route - for your sanity and your life : is not to stay with cheaters. Especially when you suspect they are still cheating.

He didn't want her seeing the woman he'd been cheating on her with, let's be straight here.

It wasn't a simple case of not wanting her in his place.

That’s because he wants you on the reserve when he wants to go drain his 🏏 somewhere. Don’t let him.

Yep

Men like him see women as resources.

You don't throw something out completely if you can still use it, you put it in the shed.

Same as women

Why would you want to keep doing this to yourself? He was never committed to you and the relationship clearly makes you angry and volatile. Pushing and shoving and abusing each other? Healthy loving relationships don’t look like that.

Please take some time out now to know yourself and build your self esteem. Make better choices.

Is this thread about a cheating woman??????

Never said it was.

That was obvious.

You're just purposefully ignoring why he changed his policy of access to no access.

It wasn't because they'd finished..it was because he'd get caught out.

Let’s flip this round - a woman puts on here that her DP has been punishing her for years, controlling behaviour like checking her phone and demanding to know her passwords, has punched her in the face when she’s tried to leave him…. She’s finally left him and he turns up trying to force his way into her home at 10pm at night.

you would be horrified and telling her to call 999. But because it’s a woman behaving like this, and he’s met someone else (after being in an abusive relationship that he’s tried to end but she won’t let him!), then you think it’s ok??

Thankyou, I’m not a horrible person atall; he brings out the worst in me and I see and acknowledge it. He makes me feel like I’m going crazy

If I had broken up with someone and they tried to barge into my home uninvited, unexpected and unwanted I would've considered calling the police. You have no right to decide he will talk to you inside his home whenever you wish. Don't go back FFS! Also, calmly entering a place you're not welcome doesn't make it ok??! Just because you were welcome in the past doesn't mean you always are? You might need to get some help because your judgement seems a bit off. Posting on here as if you are the wronged party is bizarre.

Oh yes I have an amazing job and amazing friends, no hobbies though

Right and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you physically fought your way in. You have already told us you've punched him at least once. Is he meant to just accept it and be a punching bag? Nobody would expect a woman to put up with that.

Thankyou you’re only one of a few on here who are actually helping understand this madness, I feel hopeless like I can’t live without him. He’s made me feel like I’m this violent aggressive person when he’s done so many nasty thing to me and I always try to talk to him about it and he says it’s me starting an argument. He tells me what emotions I should feel all the time