Showed up at his place and got dragged

[Daisy556]

was With him for 4 years, he cheated in that time and we’ve tried to work things out. Since then it’s been about 2 years. I’ve been off with him, mean, cold, short tempered. The other week trying to go on his phone & I realise passcode has changed & then he blamed it on me invading his privacy. He gave me the passcode and then the changes it again 2 days later and refuses to give it so I said u either give it or leave. He came into my face and I punched him away, wasn’t hard atall.
he decided to leave that night and since then been saying he doesn’t want the relationship, I then suggested a break. Which he was like yh.. 4 days in I just feel something isn’t right and we start talking again, talking about accepting relationship is over: him saying we can still be friends. He keeps ignoring my calls, and then at a certain time at night going silent.

last night which I would say literally 10pm just gone I drove down there to just collect my things and just move on with my life but as I ring the bell, he comes down and blocks the entry and I’m just thinking this is so strange. So I’m attempting to walk up the stairs bc he’s never ever been like this and he’s dragging me back, grabbing my whole body and pulling me down the stairs, literally we was there for a good 5 mins.

till he finally said “im seeing someone else”, I told him yh that’s fine im here to collect my things. As in the past he’s told me im welcome at any time. Girl walks over to the door as im screaming out of the amount of pain im in as he’s stopping me fr entering and he still trying to stop me from seeing her. Eventually girl leaves and he speaks to her in polish so I haven’t got a clue what’s being said and we talk and he says in those 4 days since that night he feels nothing for me. He was telling the night after he wouldn’t give me his passcode that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and he has never ever said this so I thought it was just out of character and the amount of times I’ve said that to him and next day we’re back together like nothing is normal.

anyways yes he said he’s moved on and seeing someone new in just 4 days out of a 4 year relationship and won’t tell me when he started speaking to her and he also has 2 phones which I was unaware about. I’m presuming the other one had her on there and normal phone everyone else. He’s also save me as N in his phone.
i just need help processing everything. I know i will never ever go back to that man and i dount he’ll ever come back as I dashed his food all over his room and himself.
I just feel numb to it all. How easily he can move on..

pls just help me process all this.

It’s over. Breathe a sigh of relief.

It sounds like a totally toxic relationship in which you could never have thrived and been your best self.

He’s someone else’s problem now. Think of all that drama and mayhem as a big ticking bomb that you’ve just dropped, and some other poor fool has picked up.

I’d take a bit of time to heal and enjoy the peace before finding another relationship. Think about how you’d like the next relationship to go, and what sort of a man you want.

Raise your bar.

I can’t even think of another relationship right now and he has made me believe that I was the problem in the relationship and I actually believe I was bc my anger and short temper to him in my eyes when he was being disrespectful was a lot to handle. Other than that he was so helpful and kind

You're really upset and you need to give yourself time to grieve the relationship and whatever future you hoped from it. Be nice to yourself, do something calm and lovely at the weekend if you can. Have you got some friends to talk to?

You did behave pretty badly. It's hard to rebuild trust after a betrayal but you seem to have been punishing him for a long time. Punching him was a massive overreaction, swamping him with phone calls was a bad move, and barging into his home was awful as well. To be honest, it's obvious why your relationship was bad for him - and it wasn't good for you either.

When someone wants out, you have to let them go. You can't force them to want to be with you! Do you think you can stay single for a good while? You weren't managing this relationship very well, and you'd likely benefit from developing your independence so you never feel this desperate to hang on to a man again.

Take care of yourself.

Hopefully there are no children involved?

No kids, he forced me to get an abortion a couple years ago

thankyou, looking back I i know I could have acted differently

I’m sorry but that relationship was never going to work. If you decide to take someone back and work things out when someone cheats, that doesn’t entitle you to torture them with your attitude for 2 years straight. It just doesn’t.

Additionally, if you’re an adult woman in the UK he can’t really force you to have an abortion. He can check out and be a shitty father, sure, but I don’t see how he’d force you.
And him having two phones just sounds like he was cheating on you anyways, just maybe hiding it better. Would you want a person that cheats multiple times?

The whole situation seemed toxic. I would honestly try to find counselling to help you work through your emotions and how to control your anger bursts.

Maybe try not dating and work on your self respect so you can learn what a healthy relationship looks like, you really could benefit from this

Awful. Why the fuck were you still with him after he cheated? Was a life of being suspicious and checking his phone really better than being without this tosser?

You need to spend some time focussing on yourself now. He's shown you who he is now without equivocation - thank God and try and to move on positively.

First comment nails it.
You were both to blame based on what you’ve written. You’re incompatible. His cheating led to a severe lack of trust, and consequently you behaved in a way that is unreasonable within a healthy relationship (demanding to see his phone). The relationship went on too long, and you’re honestly better off without him. I’m sure if you’re honest, you’ve possibly seen a version of yourself you don’t recognise.

You have been dealing with what sounds like a serial cheat. He cheated two years and is clearly cheating again at the end of your relationship. He was then clearly hiding things in between and you were on high alert and hyper vigilant. This led to you feeling unsafe.

A lack of safety creates a space where you behaved irrationally; wanting to see his phone two years after cheating isn’t crazy, bonkers or controlling it’s actually a way of your clawing back to try and feel safe. Being snappy with him was you testing him constantly.

His behaviour was creating a response in you as you tried to feel safe. But that was never going to happen with this man. He has cheated at least twice (that you know of) and had a burner phone.

You have had a lucky escape. Block and delete his number, remove him from social media and lick your wounds, maybe even get into counselling to process this, but please stay well away from him.

You can do better.

Thank god you’re out of this. Cut him off and don’t look back. He’s been seeing her for much longer than 4 days op. X

It doesn't sound like this man ever loved you or cared about your relationship. He wasn't invested, but you were overinvested.

Please use this opportunity to learn how to "read" men, so you don't end up with another guy who's not into you. Also, don't ever degrade yourself for a man, especially a loser kind of man. If a guy wants to break up, don't suggest a break! Give him his things in a black trash bag and say "bye!".

Yes he has cheated, but I don’t think that gave you the excuse to behave the way you have described. Your behaviour is abusive and it sounds to me like you’ve been harassing him. Turning up at someone’s house late at night when he clearly didn’t want you there trying to force your way in and then screaming and throwing his food everywhere? How old are you? Seriously, you need therapy.

I think you might benefit from doing the Freedom Programme and perhaps counselling, if you were forced to have an abortion by him.

If he was controlling/coercive, it might be that your behaviour was reactive. None of this can have made you feel good about yourself.

The end of this relationship is a great opportunity for you, although it won't feel like it right now. You can reset. You can have something better in the future, you can be better.

Make sure you cut contact with him and put strong boundaries up so you don't end up back with him next time he's at a loose end. This relationship is utterly toxic and self-destructive.

Allow yourself to grieve, and do the work so you stay out.

Agree with this. Better for both of you not to be together.

This. You need to be single for a while and you need to go and work through your issues with a therapist.

The whole thing sounds unhinged.

So the first thing you need to do is promise yourself not to be in a relationship until you understand just how insane a mess you are talking about- and get to the point that you never want a relationship like that again.

Luckily the relationship is now dead, So you can start from step 1 of finding out what a good relationship looks like, and choose to use that as a model in the future.

I know you are in pain now, but time is a healer, so try to use the time wisely. In the long run, you have dodged a bullet.

Be grateful one of you made the sensible decision to split.

What a toxic relationship. Be glad it’s over. Look after yourself. Maybe a bit of therapy so you understand you deserve better, and can find someone better in future.
block the ex and move on.

You're both toxic and abusive. You didn't go over there to collect your things, you went over there for a fight.

Stay away and move on, be glad not living together, agree sounds toxic horrible mess from both sides, his cheating, your being controlling, you punching him and forcing ye way into his home, his pushing you back out.
Absolutely chaos.

You're both toxic. Seek therapy and move on.

Both as bad as each other. Just stay away from him, block him and try to move on or you're going to get in serious trouble. I know you were angry and upset but you went in uninvited and punched him in the face and I take it, threw food around? Not good.