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Original poster

Another boring porn post

80 replies

usernoloserno · 30/04/2025 21:02

I'm feeling low about my DP's porn use. Borrowed his phone and found he'd been looking at various sites, including what looked like live chat sites (cam girls?). I knew he'd been looking at porn because he's always used it and he's terrible at doing anything sneaky. In general porn use doesn't bother me, but with my partner I've had a problem with it before because he was doing it in our flat during lockdown when obviously I was home. He was a bit depressed by lockdown, but it felt like he was choosing porn over me, and that perhaps he was a little bit addicted (though not to a serious extent).

I feel like we're in a similar situation now, in that I'm pretty sure he's been looking at it when I'm home, almost every day. I had a baby by c-section four months ago, so my libido has struggled, way worse than when we had our first child (also by c-section). We're both worn out by parenthood and life in general, but we're a fairly strong couple who like each other's company and communicate well. Or I thought we were.

I'm mostly sad because he's a good partner. He's always reassuring me, telling me and showing me how much he loves and desires me. He hasn't pressured me once into resuming our (once high frequency) sex life, and has been gentle in initiating the sex we've had, which I've enjoyed. I was beginning to get my confidence back but now this has dented it again. I confronted him about what I saw and he said he hasn't watched live porn ever. He's adamant. TBH I hadn't ever articulated that this would be crossing a line for me until now, but it does. And I find the idea of him watching porn every day really upsetting. We had sex on Monday (I initiated it) and I think he indulged in porn yesterday. So, he can't even go a day without? That feels a little like a habit to me.

I'm not sure what to do, really, except feel hurt and then try and move past it. Especially because he's so adamant about not watching live porn. In all other respects, our partnership is great and something I cherish. What would you do/ say to him to move forward?

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 30/04/2025 21:17

Idk… I think the live chat sites come up as pop ups so he might be telling the truth? If you’re ok with porn in general I wouldn’t worry about the frequency personally. It sounds like you are having some good sex (amazing 4 months pp imho!!) so I suspect as that picks up again you’ll get your confidence back. He obviously does care about you from what you’ve said.

Original poster
usernoloserno · 30/04/2025 21:25

Thanks @Gymbunny2025. I guess I don't much like the sneaking about either, and the frequency makes that seem worse somehow? I was feeling so good about initiating sex this week, and realising he'd used porn the next day has made me feel pretty crap. I'm definitely sensitive because it's a vulnerable time for me. But also, I've sacrificed A LOT in having our children, and unfair as it might be, perhaps it annoys me that he can't deny himself anything.

OP posts:
Gymbunny2025 · 30/04/2025 21:28

It’s absolutely fine to feel how you feel and tell him how it has made you feel too. I think as women as well we just don’t expect men to be watching porn when there are 2 babies that need looking after!!! Make sure you’re getting some downtime too.

Itsjustsodepressing · 30/04/2025 22:05

I don't know OP how you can be fine with him watching porn.
It's an industry that thrives on the exploitation and abuse of women. Most porn is about violence perpetrated on women. Men like your partner who are addicted to porn have to watch more and more extreme porn to get the same gratification from it. What is he into - teen porn? Incest Porn? Or something even grosser?
And moving on to live sex cam girls is another next step.

Porn addiction changes a man and affects his ability to have a normal relationship with a woman.

If he doesn't want to get help for his addiction do you really want to stay with a man who views women as sex objects to be used and bought?

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 30/04/2025 22:10

Imo either you condone porn use or you don't... I don't think managing his habit is very fair or appropriate..
My boundary is nil.. Which I genuinely didn't know until I found out dp had been using it daily when oddly I had just had a dc also by c section
.. I wish I had spoken my mind a lot more.
In all honesty our relationship has never recovered and dc is over 10....

Original poster
usernoloserno · 30/04/2025 22:19

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 30/04/2025 22:10

Imo either you condone porn use or you don't... I don't think managing his habit is very fair or appropriate..
My boundary is nil.. Which I genuinely didn't know until I found out dp had been using it daily when oddly I had just had a dc also by c section
.. I wish I had spoken my mind a lot more.
In all honesty our relationship has never recovered and dc is over 10....

I think you're right that managing his habit isn't very fair or appropriate. Thanks for that, it's given me something to think about.

OP posts:
Ilovemeggy38 · 30/04/2025 22:48

If you are having sex after a C-section four months on I think you are quite amazing actually!
It took me at least eight months to not worry about stitches etc
I don't know about your relationship regarding porn use but i said to my OH I don't want to know, it's your time you do with it what you want.
Im not a cool wife by any means, he knows my boundaries, one of them is no hook up type of porn, Adult work Fabswingers type.
If he is watching two porn actors have sex I'm a bit meh tbh.
But we have had the conversation and know the boundaries.
Are you feeling a bit insecure about your postpartum body, I was and needed to have time to myself whilst he looked after the babies to actually have a nice bath, do my hair, self care, nails, just reconnect with myself, put some nice PJ's on and relax, I could not put up with a man that was wanking to porn without giving me the space to reconnect with my body.
That includes housework.

Smithey885 · 30/04/2025 23:04

I echo what @Gymbunny2025 said - most videos have ads before the actual porn, and it’s very easily done to tap the add instead of the skip button

Original poster
usernoloserno · 30/04/2025 23:15

@Smithey885 There were two sites, and Adult Work was one of them. The other appeared to be open to a session with chat dialogue below it. Do pop-ups do that?

@Ilovemeggy38 I feel similarly to you, I think. Though the timing of the discovery stung, and reminded me of the way I felt during lockdown. Yes, I'm definitely still a bit insecure about my postpartum body. I'm in my early 40s and had two kids in quick succession, so it's been a lot. I'm not getting a lot of space/time to reconnect with myself but it's not his fault. I'm breastfeeding and the baby is a bottle refuser, who won't be comforted by him (or anyone) but me atm. It's a killer for intimacy, so it doesn't surprise me he's watching porn nonstop, it just hurts my feelings, and the chat site thing has thrown me through a loop. He is not one to lie (he genuinely can't, he's shit at it), and he really is adamant he hasn't done anything.

OP posts:
Ilovemeggy38 · 30/04/2025 23:59

I know the baby who will not be with anyone but me very well, I gradually started to reduce breast feeding, but only, crucially because I wanted to be able to have self time., my baby was fine having Dadfeed her, it does take time but you need to have that time away, to reconnect with yourself and it's bloody great for them to build that bond!!
I loved my time bf but realised I wanted me time as well,
I wanted me back..

YRGAM · 01/05/2025 01:38

usernoloserno · 30/04/2025 23:15

@Smithey885 There were two sites, and Adult Work was one of them. The other appeared to be open to a session with chat dialogue below it. Do pop-ups do that?

@Ilovemeggy38 I feel similarly to you, I think. Though the timing of the discovery stung, and reminded me of the way I felt during lockdown. Yes, I'm definitely still a bit insecure about my postpartum body. I'm in my early 40s and had two kids in quick succession, so it's been a lot. I'm not getting a lot of space/time to reconnect with myself but it's not his fault. I'm breastfeeding and the baby is a bottle refuser, who won't be comforted by him (or anyone) but me atm. It's a killer for intimacy, so it doesn't surprise me he's watching porn nonstop, it just hurts my feelings, and the chat site thing has thrown me through a loop. He is not one to lie (he genuinely can't, he's shit at it), and he really is adamant he hasn't done anything.

Adultwork can appear as a popup on porn sites, as do various chat site links. I don't think he is lying

ItGhoul · 01/05/2025 03:22

As PPs have said, live sites, chat sites etc appear as pop-up windows, or in ads before videos on porn sites that are easily clicked on by mistake, all the time, so I agree that he probably hasn’t been watching live porn.

Realistically, he’s probably using porn as an aid to masturbation. Take the porn out of the equation: if you found out he was masturbating every day (but without using porn) would you feel hurt or insecure about that?

If so, what would be the thing you found hurtful? Is it that you would rather he tried to initiate sex every day instead? Or is that you think he shouldn’t need to masturbate frequently if you’re having regular sex?

Gymbunny2025 · 01/05/2025 07:18

I think once you’ve worked through your feelings with your partner on this, you need to be very clear that he should be using a private browser (or whatever it’s called) for this. It’s not fair on you that you can stumble on this when you borrow his phone, and definitely not appropriate in a few years time when your kids do.

Original poster
usernoloserno · 01/05/2025 16:03

ItGhoul · 01/05/2025 03:22

As PPs have said, live sites, chat sites etc appear as pop-up windows, or in ads before videos on porn sites that are easily clicked on by mistake, all the time, so I agree that he probably hasn’t been watching live porn.

Realistically, he’s probably using porn as an aid to masturbation. Take the porn out of the equation: if you found out he was masturbating every day (but without using porn) would you feel hurt or insecure about that?

If so, what would be the thing you found hurtful? Is it that you would rather he tried to initiate sex every day instead? Or is that you think he shouldn’t need to masturbate frequently if you’re having regular sex?

I thought about the questions you asked, and I'm honestly not sure what exactly bothers me. Probably a combination of all of it - porn + frequency of masturbation + doing in the house when me and the kids are home (granted, we're home or with him a LOT atm but still) + my postpartum insecurities and general exhaustion/hormonal chaos.

He's always been furtive/secretive about it which triggers me a bit. I dated a few cheaters before him and struggle with feeling inadequate, though I wouldn't say I'm especially jealous. On the one hand I believe he's entitled to privacy, as am I, but on the other, I'd prefer it if we were able to be more open and relaxed about this together. I'm not sure either of us are capable of that tbh, but when I've suggested it, he's definitely not up for trying. It's probably just as well. What I'd like in theory would probably go very badly in practice, thanks to my insecurities. 😔

OP posts:
LouiseK93 · 01/05/2025 18:09

Porn I wouldnt be so bothered about, I would rather not know. But Camming is interacting with another person one on one...in my eyes that's cheating!

Lollipop81 · 01/05/2025 18:35

Itsjustsodepressing · 30/04/2025 22:05

I don't know OP how you can be fine with him watching porn.
It's an industry that thrives on the exploitation and abuse of women. Most porn is about violence perpetrated on women. Men like your partner who are addicted to porn have to watch more and more extreme porn to get the same gratification from it. What is he into - teen porn? Incest Porn? Or something even grosser?
And moving on to live sex cam girls is another next step.

Porn addiction changes a man and affects his ability to have a normal relationship with a woman.

If he doesn't want to get help for his addiction do you really want to stay with a man who views women as sex objects to be used and bought?

Totally agree with this. I do feel as a society though we are being pushed to believe that it is totally normal and all women should just accept that men will watch it and we should be ok with that.

Smithey885 · 01/05/2025 18:52

LouiseK93 · 01/05/2025 18:09

Porn I wouldnt be so bothered about, I would rather not know. But Camming is interacting with another person one on one...in my eyes that's cheating!

Not necessarily.

cam sites are becoming more popular as it’s seen as more ethical and the porn you get ( you really don’t need to pay to see PIV on cam sites ) is more natural .

Of course, if its watching solo women and or paying for private shows then that’s different , I’m dating someone at the moment and she likes chaturbate as she gets everything she would get on a ‘porn site ‘ but it’s typically real life couples.

Ilovechocolatelimesandsherbertlemons · 01/05/2025 18:58

I can't imagine being with a man who looks at porn, it would be a total deal breaker for me. It objectifies women, gives men false ideas of the reality of women's bodies and real life sex, and those women are the most abused in our society. I could never condone it.

GreenFressia · 01/05/2025 19:09

For me it would be a case of I don't want to know about it and can you please make it ethical.

Yournevertooldtolovehamsters · 01/05/2025 20:35

Sorry to tell you this op, but it is an addiction that he'll never change, or want to. You either have to accept it or move on. This was me 25 years ago ! I wish I'd been stronger and financially able to leave but I ended up staying put. It will crush your self esteem and he'll know it, but he won't care, as the addition is stronger. If your happy to live as roommates for the rest of your life, then sadly that will be your life

LalaPaloosa2024 · 01/05/2025 20:38

Itsjustsodepressing · 30/04/2025 22:05

I don't know OP how you can be fine with him watching porn.
It's an industry that thrives on the exploitation and abuse of women. Most porn is about violence perpetrated on women. Men like your partner who are addicted to porn have to watch more and more extreme porn to get the same gratification from it. What is he into - teen porn? Incest Porn? Or something even grosser?
And moving on to live sex cam girls is another next step.

Porn addiction changes a man and affects his ability to have a normal relationship with a woman.

If he doesn't want to get help for his addiction do you really want to stay with a man who views women as sex objects to be used and bought?

I could not be with a man who watches potn.

GooseyLoosey78 · 01/05/2025 20:41

IMO there’s something fundamentally wrong with your relationship if you’re ok with your partner using porn. If he’s using porn then he’s fantasising about having sex with the women he’s viewing (assuming they are adult women!!!). In other words, he wants to have sex with them instead of you. How can this possibly be healthy for your relationship? Of course I’m not saying you need to leave him or anything as drastic as that, but he needs serious help or if you’re not careful he’ll look for ever-more explicit stuff and may even move on to escort sites such as Adult Work or Vivastreet - which would be a total game-changer. I’d recommend he urgently gets counselling from an organisation dealing with sex addiction, such as The Laurel Centre. Best of luck!

ItGhoul · 01/05/2025 22:37

GooseyLoosey78 · 01/05/2025 20:41

IMO there’s something fundamentally wrong with your relationship if you’re ok with your partner using porn. If he’s using porn then he’s fantasising about having sex with the women he’s viewing (assuming they are adult women!!!). In other words, he wants to have sex with them instead of you. How can this possibly be healthy for your relationship? Of course I’m not saying you need to leave him or anything as drastic as that, but he needs serious help or if you’re not careful he’ll look for ever-more explicit stuff and may even move on to escort sites such as Adult Work or Vivastreet - which would be a total game-changer. I’d recommend he urgently gets counselling from an organisation dealing with sex addiction, such as The Laurel Centre. Best of luck!

You’re entitled to feel the way you feel, but watching porn really doesn’t mean someone wants to have sex with the performer(s) instead of their partner. I think you’re misunderstanding why people watch porn and what they get from it.

In the vast majority of cases, it’s just a visual stimulus for arousal or something to trigger a fantasy, which won’t necessarily be about the people on screen. It’s often used by people whose needs can’t be met completely their partner - whether that’s because they have to spend a lot of time apart, or because one partner has a lower sex drive than the other, or because they want to fantasise occasionally about a specific act that their partner doesn’t enjoy.

Certainly many people do have fantasies about people who aren’t their partner. That’s completely normal and healthy and happens regardless of whether they watch porn.

Obviously it’s completely fine to say that you won’t tolerate the use of porn in a relationship - that’s a boundary anyone is entitled to have. But couples who don’t have any objection to using porn aren’t somehow in less healthy/happy/loving/faithful relationships than others.

OldSkuul · 02/05/2025 02:58

This is what I don't get. Any time a woman complains that her DH wants it more than she does, there are always the usual snide replies—he should just use his hand, sex pest, etc. Same when a man says he's not getting enough.

But now even that’s apparently not okay with some posters. You get women acting like their DH shouldn’t even be allowed to orgasm unless they’re in the mood to provide it themselves. That’s not healthy. It’s controlling, and frankly, a bit grim.

Sally20099 · 02/05/2025 05:47

Itsjustsodepressing · 30/04/2025 22:05

I don't know OP how you can be fine with him watching porn.
It's an industry that thrives on the exploitation and abuse of women. Most porn is about violence perpetrated on women. Men like your partner who are addicted to porn have to watch more and more extreme porn to get the same gratification from it. What is he into - teen porn? Incest Porn? Or something even grosser?
And moving on to live sex cam girls is another next step.

Porn addiction changes a man and affects his ability to have a normal relationship with a woman.

If he doesn't want to get help for his addiction do you really want to stay with a man who views women as sex objects to be used and bought?

If OP is ok with him watching porn why are you trying so hard to turn her against her DH and make the situation worse by accusing him of this nonsense?. I sometimes watch porn with DH and plenty of sites not as you describe.Equally, I’m not into certain sexual activities that a couple of my friends enjoy but I don’t go telling them they are dirty and sordid. Everyone’s different - stop with the judging. (By the way OP: non-stop pop ups for live chats on these sites so highly likely he hasn’t actually been visiting them).