Another boring porn post

[usernoloserno]

I'm feeling low about my DP's porn use. Borrowed his phone and found he'd been looking at various sites, including what looked like live chat sites (cam girls?). I knew he'd been looking at porn because he's always used it and he's terrible at doing anything sneaky. In general porn use doesn't bother me, but with my partner I've had a problem with it before because he was doing it in our flat during lockdown when obviously I was home. He was a bit depressed by lockdown, but it felt like he was choosing porn over me, and that perhaps he was a little bit addicted (though not to a serious extent).

I feel like we're in a similar situation now, in that I'm pretty sure he's been looking at it when I'm home, almost every day. I had a baby by c-section four months ago, so my libido has struggled, way worse than when we had our first child (also by c-section). We're both worn out by parenthood and life in general, but we're a fairly strong couple who like each other's company and communicate well. Or I thought we were.

I'm mostly sad because he's a good partner. He's always reassuring me, telling me and showing me how much he loves and desires me. He hasn't pressured me once into resuming our (once high frequency) sex life, and has been gentle in initiating the sex we've had, which I've enjoyed. I was beginning to get my confidence back but now this has dented it again. I confronted him about what I saw and he said he hasn't watched live porn ever. He's adamant. TBH I hadn't ever articulated that this would be crossing a line for me until now, but it does. And I find the idea of him watching porn every day really upsetting. We had sex on Monday (I initiated it) and I think he indulged in porn yesterday. So, he can't even go a day without? That feels a little like a habit to me.

I'm not sure what to do, really, except feel hurt and then try and move past it. Especially because he's so adamant about not watching live porn. In all other respects, our partnership is great and something I cherish. What would you do/ say to him to move forward?

I morally object to the treatment of workers in asian sweat shops, but that wouldn't mean that adversely judge a man if he was wearing Nike air max.
So many people are a assuming that he's addicted to pornography with absolutely no evidence. I drink over 6 cups of tea a day, but I don't think I'm an addict.

So you are to be eternally single then…?

I think it’s not healthy to fantasise about having sex with someone else if you’re in a relationship.

You’ve got to be kidding right?

OP have an honest conversation with him. Tell him you are concerned his open use is becoming excessive and it’s negatively impacting your view on him and your self esteem. Then work together on a plan to spend more intimate time together and improve your sex life. Which will take effort from both of you.

I have been married for 42 years! We come from a different era I think. We were the generation that refused to accept women as sex objects. My husband has always felt the same.

I'm sure in the 70s and 80s there was no female sex objects?

Even OP says he was " a bit addicted" for heavens sake.

And perhaps you haven't read her description of his watching it every day.

She hasn't described the type of porn he's using so we dont know how far he has movex towards the very extreme genres but he's moving on to cam girls I.e. live porn, which is also what happens with porn addicts.

You trying to minimse his problem certainly doesn't help OP because them both recognising his addiction is the only possible way of trying to help their relationship. If he is willing to address his addiction.

I fail to see what Asian sweat shops or your tea consumption has to do with OP and her partner.

Of course there were but it doesn't make it right. How sad that these things are far worse now, and extreme porn is more available. And even sadder that women like you accept it and downplay it.

I don't downplay it at all. Much of porn is hugely exploitative and destructive.
There is however, with the advent of sites such as onlyfans, a trend towards women doing porn on their own terms, without being forced into anything by a grubby agent.

However, all of this really isn't the point. As the thread was never to judge wether or not pornography is morally reprehensible or not, but simply the husband use of it.

My point was that the husband was simply using the porn as a vehicle to get his rocks off, and not necessarily controlled by it like many on here are outrageously suggesting.

Grim isn’t it. They want us to have good sex drives and feel attractive yet they make us feel insecure while they watch 18 year olds. It’s gross.

Look there is no way if your partner is using porn to get off and you do not feel comfortable with that you can persuade her it's okay.
Some women might be okay with it, great.
Some women don't.
Stop saying she should be okay with it, it's her line, she doesn't feel okay with it.

As a Woman who has had to see my partner watching barely legal porn, yes that's a thing, maybe just put this shame back on them.
I don't watch barely legal young men to orgasm to.
The shame lies with these men.

And we have to see the prevalence of porn is a problem to society in general.
Our children are growing up in an instant internet age where graphic sex, porn, is there.
What are they absorbing?
That sex is porn?
Before they have probably ever kissed another they are exposed to porn.
It's the worst thing we as a society have done to our children.

Exactly this ..
I’m a woman & I watch porn sometimes, I never imagine it’s me with the guys on it , simply because it’s a turn on to watch ..

OP , you sound like you & your husband have a solid relationship, you just need to talk to one another…

Congrats on your baby btw 🎈

A lot of the people on the thread are projecting imaginary, and extreme, scenarios about what’s going on here in order to push their personal views on porn. That isn’t helpful for the OP.

True porn addiction isn’t particularly common and the OP’s description of her partner’s behaviour doesn’t sound like porn addiction. It sounds like a man with a fairly high sex drive who is fully aware that his wife’s libido is low and who is therefore masturbating because he doesn’t want to put pressure on her. The OP says he hasn’t been pushy or difficult or inconsiderate while she’s going through all the physical and psychological after effects of having children, and that he has been gentle and understanding. The OP also says that she actually might feel just as bad if he was masturbating without using porn.

The argument that porn is unethical and exploitative of its performers and is too readily available is a valid one, but that debate isn’t going to help the OP process her feelings and insecurities about her specific issue with her husband. It’s unfair and inappropriate to use someone’s complex and nuanced emotional response to an aspect of their (otherwise happy) marriage as a tool to push an opinion on the topic of porn in general. The OP is a real person with a husband and a family and there are a whole host of nuances and emotional complexities going on that can’t helpfully be reduced to absolutes.

It is very easy to tell someone her husband and the father of her children is just a disgusting porn addicted pervert and a lost cause when you, a total stranger, will be entirely unaffected by any fallout and will face zero consequences from anything that happens in the OP’s marriage.

It’s very clear that you don’t give a shit about the OP’s welfare and frankly, what you’re doing on this thread is just being cruel to her. You’ve said nothing constructive or helpful or even objective about her situation.

If you care at all about the welfare of women - which you claim to do - then perhaps try caring about them as individuals, rather than a vague symbolic mass. Treat your fellow women as actual human beings, rather than a theoretical cause.

The amount of misogyny and cruelty towards women on this site, directed at them by other women who claim to be feminists, is unreal. Apparently for some, feminism only applies to women who are mirror image of themselves and gratefully conform to their ideals.

In reality, the vast majority of your generation absolutely did accept women as sex objects, as is painfully obvious from the popular culture and media of the time. Women being presented as sex objects is far less acceptable in the mainstream today than it was 40 years ago, or even 20 years ago.

^ porn is mainstream now though, isn't that the point?

With OP and her husband, caught up in the middle of it all, struggling how to navigate this new normal.

Agree with this 100% and the other posts by @ItGhoul - Very sensible advice indeed.

Op if you partner said tomorrow I dont want to look at porn anymore I don't want to secretly masturbate either I want to put all my energy and focus onto our relationship. Right now sex isn't at the top of the list looking after our family is. I can absolutely wait till we are in a better space and will enjoy the intimacy we can have when we aren't absolutely exhausted. You are my priority.

How would that make you feel in your relationship?

I work with porn addicts and betrayed partners.
The Mindset change and how they show up in their relationships after recovery is wonderful to see. Not everyone is willing unfortunately but those that do have the most amazing relationships after. The women and men that choose to leave the original relationship have the most wonderful healing and go on to have such fulfilling relationships where porn isn't on the radar at all.

Here's some resources for you and your partner if you wish.
Love after porn on reddit wonderful support and resources
Helping couples heal
Dr omar minwhalla the secret basement
Pbse podcast
Choose to be podcast
Jake porter

Op the problem with porn is the way it works on the brain means ye will be less and less aroused by normal sex and by you..his lovely normal partner

This is for me equivalent to cheating and it's truly incredible the porn industry have normalised thus

He is getting his sexual kicks from a vast array of other women...endlessly available at the swipe of a finger on his phone...while you are 4 months post partum !!!

He is not engaged in supporting you or building his love for you within a trusting relationship

This is the path porn takes men on..and the problem with ever tolerating it

I think the really sad thing is that this probably wouldn't even have been an issue to test most relationships 30 years ago. Thank you, internet.

I think we can all agree that humans always have and always will have a desire to look at naked bodies. I think that's normal and will always be the case.

However, internet porn is a completely different beast. Prior to the advent of the internet, you would have to actively seek out porn. Physically go somewhere and buy it etc. This meant that there was a certain "limit" if you like, on the amount consumed and more importantly for the effect it has on the brain - the variety. This helped to keep excessive consumption in check. It was also not instant.

Now as we are all holding in our hands instant, endless amounts of porn of endless variety. Access to millions of moving images of whatever you want, whenever you want, for however long you want.

It has been very well documented that this absolutely does have damaging effects on the brain. We are simply not wired to be exposed to this level of stimulation and it not have an impact on our intimate relationships.

Watching it everyday, OP? No. That's not good. And it would suggest to me that this is verging on an addiction.

Of course they did. That's why women like me were fighting against it! At least we were arguing against prostitution, posters and dirty magazines; who could have foreseen the vile online pornography that even young teens have access to now. I despair that the current generation of women seem to accept far worse than we did.

Look at it like a behavioural addiction as it sounds like that's the element of it you're most uncomfortable with. TJ Power and Catherine Price both speak really interestingly about phone addiction including porn addiction. TJ Power is on an episode of Fearne Cotton's podcast.
Sounds like something you can work through together as you are good communicators.

See I feel the same, I wouldn’t be imagining myself with the actors and thought that was the same for everyone, however I asked several men and they all said they specifically imagine themselves with the women and search for who they want to “be with” while wanking..