Another boring porn post

[usernoloserno]

I'm feeling low about my DP's porn use. Borrowed his phone and found he'd been looking at various sites, including what looked like live chat sites (cam girls?). I knew he'd been looking at porn because he's always used it and he's terrible at doing anything sneaky. In general porn use doesn't bother me, but with my partner I've had a problem with it before because he was doing it in our flat during lockdown when obviously I was home. He was a bit depressed by lockdown, but it felt like he was choosing porn over me, and that perhaps he was a little bit addicted (though not to a serious extent).

I feel like we're in a similar situation now, in that I'm pretty sure he's been looking at it when I'm home, almost every day. I had a baby by c-section four months ago, so my libido has struggled, way worse than when we had our first child (also by c-section). We're both worn out by parenthood and life in general, but we're a fairly strong couple who like each other's company and communicate well. Or I thought we were.

I'm mostly sad because he's a good partner. He's always reassuring me, telling me and showing me how much he loves and desires me. He hasn't pressured me once into resuming our (once high frequency) sex life, and has been gentle in initiating the sex we've had, which I've enjoyed. I was beginning to get my confidence back but now this has dented it again. I confronted him about what I saw and he said he hasn't watched live porn ever. He's adamant. TBH I hadn't ever articulated that this would be crossing a line for me until now, but it does. And I find the idea of him watching porn every day really upsetting. We had sex on Monday (I initiated it) and I think he indulged in porn yesterday. So, he can't even go a day without? That feels a little like a habit to me.

I'm not sure what to do, really, except feel hurt and then try and move past it. Especially because he's so adamant about not watching live porn. In all other respects, our partnership is great and something I cherish. What would you do/ say to him to move forward?

NC for this.

My ex husband was addicted to porn. Started way back, borrowing VHS tapes, which I first realised when I was just home from 12 days in hospital after having my first baby.

Then it was DVDs, and eventually internet. He worked in a job where he was home a lot of the time. Over the years his sex drive increased and he’d constantly pester me for sex. Sometimes every day. I often knew he’d spent the day watching porn because he often couldn’t maintain his erection because he’d been “at himself “ all day. It was revolting. Utterly sickening.

He began to set up our bedroom with “ideas” he’d clearly seen online, and still ended up with ED often.

He could never stop watching it. Looking back, I should have left when I found those first VHS tapes. He was devastated when I left but he’d subjected me to the most utterly sickening and revolting sexual experiences of my life.

He gave himself erectile distinction and still couldn’t see the harm he’d done to us both.

I'm feeling low about my DP's porn use.

These are the first words OP uses.
His porn use is the problem and that is what I have addressed in my reply.

I'm not " accusing him of this nonsense" , as you put it.

The detrimental effects of porn on the user, on their partners, on relationships, on women in general,and of course the women who are involved in the porn industry, are well documented.

Instead of you accusing me of being " judgemental " - that over used MN term often used to dismiss people's valid arguments that a poster doesn't like - perhaps you should be doing some reading up about what goes on in the porn industry and the research into how it affects men and their real life interaction with women and their relationships.

Just because you are OK with porn it doesn't make it alright. If you chose to turn a blind eye to the detrimental effects it doesn't make them go away.

OP's partners porn addiction is already negatively affecting OP and their relationship. The situation will only get worse unless he addresses his addiction and even then, like every other addiction, doing something about it is a very hard road for both the addict and their partner.

Well that’s where we differ - I think it’s not healthy to fantasise about having sex with someone else if you’re in a relationship. Watching porn simply turbo-charges desire. Men watch porn as an aid to masturbation - the more they watch it, the more they’re masturbating (and experiencing orgasm) whilst thinking about someone other than their partner. In my view that’s just not conducive to a healthy relationship where both parties are supposedly committed to each other.

Your partner is a porn addict.

He chooses to wank off to images of potentially exploited women every single day. He does this while you are raising his children and feeling bad about your body image.

I absolutely despise the way this is normalised in our society and women are just told to accept it. Why the fuck should we?

Posts like this reinforce why I choose to stay single

You deserve better op. All women do.

@GooseyLoosey78 This 100%. Imagine thinking "My wife's downstairs breastfeeding. Think I'll wank off to images of women getting shagged up the arse to relax"

It is unspeakably disgusting and disrespectful.

I think women would do well to consider the effect pornography has on men in similar terms to the effect of things like drugs, alcohol, gambling, fatty sugary food etc. - it appeals to their base instincts and triggers positive responses in their brains, bless them, which they find very hard to resist.

At the end of the day men aren't supposed to be able to see thousands of beautiful women naked, instantly, on demand. Like the other reward functions, their brains are designed to be motivated to seek that out. I.e from real women, and really they should only be seeing a handful of women naked in their whole lifetimes.

I like how so many people here have an in depth knowledge of online porn videos players 😂

i bet you are the life and soul of the party - everyone thinks differently; try to enjoy the fun in the world which those differences create instead of just lecturing.

Everything in moderation though, wouldn't you say? Do you agree porn effects men in similar ways to the other reward functions?

I'm up for a debate, but you have to bring something to the discussion, if you want others to engage anyway!

This. It’s a bit grim to be ok with the sexual exploitation of women. All porn is rooted in the degradation, violation, and humiliation of women. Even the less violent stuff is centred on women being totally compliant and willing to submit to degrading sex acts culminating in ejaculating on their face/body.

I'm not quite sure who this comment is addressed to but if you are equating porn with "fun" you couldn't be further from the truth.

I have assumed it was me, 'lecturing' about how I reckon porn is addictive to men.

@VoodooQualities

Sally had already had a go at me up thread so I wasn't sure if this was addressed to me or you.
Or probably both of us?

Whatever.

An industry whose very existence depends on violence and exploitation and is known to be harmful to the user and those in a relationship with a user can't by any stretch of the imagination be described as " fun", apart from by someone either extremely ignorant or with an extremely warped view.

Completely agree - moderation and consensual only.

It's fine for you to believe that about your own relationships and for you and your partner to set your own boundaries.

But I don't think it's reasonable or correct to say (as you did in your previous post) that this applies to everyone's relationship, because it definitely doesn't.

You are entitled to be bothered by his use of porn if that's something you have a moral/ethical boundary over.

I don't think you are entitled to be bothered by the frequency with which he chooses to masturbate in private, though, or to say he can only do it when he's alone in an empty house.

Nobody should have to rely solely on their partner for an orgasm. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about having sex one day and masturbating the next. You said he was generally considerate and understanding about sex with you, I think? I assume he's not criticising you or complaining about it or being coercive or sulky about it? If so, I don't think it's especially fair to begrudge the man a private wank. His desire to masturbate isn't a negative comment on you in any way. It's simply fulfilling a need. I actually think a lot of people, if they'd really enjoyed sex with their partner last night, would be more inclined to want a wank the next day, because it just means sex is on their mind from the day before,

I personally don't think simply choosing to look at porn as a visual aid to masturbation indicates porn addiction. If he was declining sex with you and choosing to use porn instead, or if he couldn't have sex with you without watching porn first, or if he was seeking out more and more extreme material, or trying to push you to perform extreme acts he's seen, or if he's watching porn to the detriment of his work/social life/interests, that would be an addiction. But I don't think watching porn when he fancies a wank is any more an addiction to porn than liking a glass of wine with your dinner is an addiction to alcohol.

I think the thread has become waylaid by people arguing over whether porn is or isn't unethical, which isn't really that helpful to your particular dilemma. If you have a serious moral/ethical objection to porn and can't be attracted to a man who uses it, then of course that's your prerogative and you can make it a dealbreaker - but that's quite separate from the issue of how you feel about your husband masturbating.

This is the most sensible answer I've seen on this thread.

Most guys use porn to facilitate their masterbation (which is perfectly healthy), and the porn they choose to view in no way takes anything away from their partner, but it allows them to indulge in fantasy that they are not going to indulge in in reality.
The Cam thing is also misleading. I've been on sites such as Chatterbate and 99% of the users just watch in the background and don't interact with the girl or couple whatsoever.
I'm personally quite partial to erotic literature, would this bother you in the same way?

I think the thread has become waylaid by people arguing over whether porn is or isn't unethical, which isn't really that helpful to your particular dilemma.

The point that porn and porn addiction is seriously damaging to the porn user, his partner and the relationship is very relevant to the thread.

The fact that OP is apparently not bothered by her partners use of porn is very relevant to the thread.

So long as she accepts his use of porn the way she apparently does his use of it will escalate further and the detrimental affects on her and the relationship will be overwhelming.

There is no such thing as being " a little bit addicted". He is an addict.

Quite a few things going on here.

I think you need to be much more honest with yourself about what you actually think and feel. It sounds like you do have an issue with your DH viewing porn but seem to have convinced yourself you shouldn’t. Either position is fine but accept how you feel.

There are a few things here that are unreasonable.

Bringing insecurities about past partners and having that effect your relationship with you DH is not reasonable. You need to work out how to deal with that, if he has not cheated on you it is unfair to treat him in a way that is based upon other partners behaviour.

Having an issue with how often he masturbates is another problem. If it does not mean that he is unwilling when you are interested in sex and he is not destroying his life over it then that is not your concern. You need to realise if you are both normal healthy adults he us very likely to have a higher sex drive than you and the options are:

• You have sex whenever he is interested;
• He masturbates;
• You control him to the extent he only has sexual release when you want him too.

1 and 3 are not healthy, so you need to accept that 2 is how it has to be. Having an issue with him using porn as part of that is ok but not the act itself.

As it is triggering you insecurities you will need to accept that it will have nothing to do with how he feels or thinks about you. It is not a reflection on your attractiveness or relationship.

It sounds like you haven’t really directly considered what is the concern for you.

That's not true, I know someone who has overcome a porn addiction through groups, books, therapy, 12 step.
It can be done with the right support.

Wow, what a lot of people derailing the thread with their opinions on the morality of porn, when that has no use to the OP.

I’d be miffed too. My OH used to watch it when I worked away but I’d be fuming if he did it when I was in the house, especially if he hadn’t even tried it with me first.

Theres lots of couples that are totally fine with it though so every relationship is different.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and if it’s making you feel bad it needs to be addressed.

The thing is OP knowingly began a relationship with a man she knew used porn. And she has actually had children with this man. Knowing he views women as objects to be bought and used for his sexual gratification. He doesn't care about the violence and degradation and exploitation of women because thats what floats his boat And OP by accepting this in her relationship right from the beginning has condoned and enabled his behaviour.

It's actually very hard to talk about porn without at some point talking about the ethics of it.

But he is going down the documented path of the porn addict. And she is going down the documented path of the partner whose self esteem is damaged and whose relationship is damaged by her partner's behaviour. A behaviour she knew about from the beginning of her relationship.

If I'm honest I don't know why she would even want this man to touch her , knowing his view of women and his participation in their exploitation.