I think husband is losing his mind

[thirteenisaluckynumber]

Please be gentle on me as my nerves are in tatters over this. DH has always been a difficult person to communicate with. Not just with me, he is like this with his family. So it's impossible for me to get any clarity from him and tbh I have given up trying. But my life with him is totally devoid of joy because he will literally hoover the mood when he's in one of his slumps. Firstly, he hates his job and for ages now keeps saying he's on the brink of being made redundant. So far it's not happened and when I ask him why he thinks this, specifically, he just gets agitated and says 'trust me'. Obviously, when he does this, it is very unnerving and I feel no closer to understanding why he thinks it and I'm fucking fed up of it. Recently, our car was keyed. He's convinced that we are being targeted but there's no evidence of this. The neighbour put out a toy for collection and he reckoned this was a marker so whoever scratched our car would know which one to get. Again, there is no evidence of this. He's now keeping knives under the bed for protection. I have removed them. He drinks every night. Not a huge amount but nights where he doesn't drink are rare.

I have told him that I cannot cope with him going on like this. Classic DARVO, when I get upset because of how he's acting, he tells me he cannot cope with me going on like this. Suddenly, I'm the problem. I'm firmly NOT the problem. We have two DCs 11 and 13. I have no family nearby. His family would be more of a hindrance so I don't want to involve them. I work full time and have a very stressful life and honestly, I'm at the limit of what I can take. Can anyone help me make sense of what's happening here and what I can do? I have very little hope of him seeking help for himself or indeed any help being worthwhile because he is incredibly paranoid.

Is he smoking weed too? If so, that would explain the paranoia

No, no drugs, just booze.

Well, he's clearly someone who catastrophises and who is stuck in perpetual victimhood. it doesn't sound like he's interested in changing this in any way and, if anything, this is getting worse - the paranoia involved in things like cars being keyed or keeping knives under the bed is bad.

My guess is he's natural personality is being made more problematic by going down online rabbit holes. He'll be talking to you about vaccines being used to control us or whatever next.

Ultimately he brings no joy to your life so I thikn it's time to end this relationship. If you feel you hvae tried to talk to thim, to engage with him etc, the only answer is to leave if none of that has worekd.

What's his mental health history like? Could he be bipolar?

Yes, he is a victim. Things never go right for him, apparently. When usual shit life stresses happen it's always because terrible things always happen to him and him alone. He has absolutely no optimism or drive. No coping skills. Twas ever thus. He is 100% depressed but he has made ME depressed. I realised when he was away with work, I felt so much lighter.

He's definitely not an online rabbit hole type but he is a ruminator. The paranoia has never been this severe and it's unnerved me to the point that my own mental and physical health is affected and for mine and more importantly my children's sake, I cannot allow this situation to continue.

If I try and talk to him he gets angry and tells me he has enough to deal with without me starting. So there is absolutely no point in even trying and frankly I don't think it's worth my time. He's not bipolar I don't think. He's able to go to work, go to work functions etc.

It's the paranoia and the knives under the bed (dear lord) that make me think of bipolar. A manic episode sort of ramps up while people are living their normal lives. Previously you might not suspect it except maybe a history of depression.

Can you find out if others think he's going a bit weird? Does he have any crazy theories apart from that the neighbours are signalling someone to key his car?

He's definitely not an online rabbit hole type but he is a ruminator.

Thinking that your car was targeted with a child's toy as an indicator, is definitely someone who is out there seeing/reading/hearing ridiculous things online. Facebook is huge for this sort of ridiculous thing, "be careful if you see a toy on the street - it might mean your house has been targeted by gangs".

Perpetual victims are very quick to buy into this stuff.

Many perpetual victims are covert narcissists. Which just adds another layer to the dysfunctional dynamic.

There is nothing you can do. YOu have tried and it has gone nowhere.

Of course, be prepared - if you leave, he will threaten you, threaten himself, make promises one day then be suicidal the next then furiously angry and aggressive the day after. So you do need to be careful.

it sounds to me like the Op is looking for reassurance that she can leave, not for advice on how she can fix him.

That’s not your responsibility Op; yours is to your children - you need to get them out of there - and to yourself. You don’t need a reason to leave other than that you are profoundly unhappy - although you have lots more.

I do need to leave. I've no interest in 'fixing' him or making things better because experience has taught me this is a waste of my time. I worry that he will take me to court for the children but I don't think he's capable of taking care of them, especially with his mental health. I'm also scared. The knives under the bed has left me frightened because it's so weird.

He 100% will, at the very least, threaten to try and take the children. Assuming that he is NOT in fact their primary care giver, don't worry, even if he DOES try, it won't work.

What's far more likely with this personality type unfortunately is that he will actually not bother with them. Oh, he'll make lots of noise, threaten you a lot, probably attempt to manipulate the children too... but when push come sto shove, he'll be gone. He'll also, incidentally, be telling everyone about how YOU broke up the family, you keep him from his children etc etc.

the knives under the bed would scare me too. When the paranoia is irrational and appears to be escalating, I think you need to take great care

you need to talk to him about it if you can and tell him to get help, but don’t put yourself at risk

I’m No mental health expert, but that almost sounds like psychosis.

Thank you. I don't care what he tells people. He has v few friends so not sure who will listen. He has scant interest in the children anyway. I do nearly everything. I cannot stay in this town though, I've nowhere to go and I wouldn't feel safe. I can go and stay with family but they are in a different part of the UK so I was worried I'd get in trouble for going so far. Honestly, I know so little about what I can do hence I'm here. This life is stifling.

Why does he think he’s being targeted? Due to my job, I have been targeted- many times. Vehicle damage and threats, stalked.

What does he do? (Not asking you, but does he have a reason to think he’s a target?). I don’t keep knives around btw, but we do have cameras/security.

He does not do a job that would lead to him being targeted, just a regular office job. It's not just this that's he paranoid about though. Constantly saying he's about to lose his job and yet can't tell me why.

What’s your housing situation? Council? Rented? Mortgage? You need to be looking for somewhere for you and the dc to go but depending on your area and situation this may not be easy?

Not a criticism, but you say he has always been like this so I have to ask, why did you marry him?

I would make an appointment with my GP and talk to them about this. I would be very worried about his paranoia.

What do you think his reaction would be if you said you were taking the kids to see your parents for a couple of weeks in the summer? Would he be angry? Glad to have some time alone? It would be easier to suggest leaving him from a safe distance. Would your family be able to put you up for a while?

Have you been able to look at any computer or phone he has to see if he's been looking up anything disturbing?

This might not be totally paranoia, lots of places are laying off people, especially the middle aged guys who earn too much but can be replaced by a younger cheaper version.

I think that if he took you to court in this situation it might be difficult to move away with the children.

My advice would be to contact a solicitor who can give you specific advice based on your circumstances - re custody, finances, assets etc - it's very hard to do that online without the context.

But in the meantime, my top tip is to consider whether he could be a covert or vulnerable narcissist. This sort of behaviour is common with them. As importantly, one of the hardest things for people in their lives is accepting that their thinking is intrinsically disordered and irrational. so trying to come upw ith reasons for saying or doing certain things is entirely pointless.

I will give you a specific example: I COULD wonder why my exBIL is continuing to tell everyone that when he asked me and DH for help, we would refuse to give it. I could think to myself that a) he did not really ask for help so this makes no sense and b) no matter what, it wasn't our place to get involved in their relationship and c) it's been years. But I long ago realised that was pointless - he tells everyone and whines about it because he is a perpetual victim and he truly believes that we could/should have "helped" him. Part of the problem is that the "help" he wanted, was for us to stop SIL from behavng in ways he considered unacceptable. Not only was this not or place (see above) but, also, she wasn't doing anything wrong.

So I waste no time thinking about why he keeps going on about this, years later. I mostly just find it funny and one family member and I started a sort of drinking game about it - if exBIL complained to him, or he heard about BIL complaining about this, we'd pour ourselves an extra glass of wine while giggling.

It sounds as if he is seriously mentally ill and is self medicating with alcohol.

The paranoia and the knives are incredibly worrying.

You could try to persuade him to see his GP, but it's very unlikely he would.

I think you need to start preparing very quietly to leave him. Keep a record of all his unwell behaviour. If he utters any threat against you or the thildren or anyone else, call police immediately. Do not hesitate.

You should not tell him any of your plans. He could turn very dangerous indeed if he became aware you were leaving.

Try to leave at a time when he is away for work.

There's nothing to suggest bipolar depression here, but your H is definitely showing clinical symptoms of paranoia and deteriorating mental health, almost certainly compounded by his alcohol misuse.

I think a GP appointment for yourself is a good first step. You can document his unusual behaviour and consider what needs to happen to ensure the your safety and that of your children. They may also invite your H in for a review, though he sounds unlikely to engage. My ex was similar and on a couple of occasions I said if he didn't stop certain (unhinged) behaviours I would call the police and ask them to intervene and consider whether he needed a formal mental health assessment. I would also talk to your local domestic abuse service. His unmanaged drinking and mental health present a risk to your family.

There are a lot of similarities between your situation and where I was (many years ago now). The drinking, the paranoia, the victimhood, even the knife under the bed.

I realised I had to leave for the sake of my DCs (and myself). I knew I couldn't change him, and that my main responsibilty was to my children. And they needed not to live in that situation. They also needed their mum to be strong and resilient, not the shadow of herself I was at risk of becoming.

He threatened briefly to fight for custody. I reminded him that he was addicted to alcohol and that I had kept a log of all of the frightening / worrying incidents that had happened. Thankfully, he didn't mention it again.

I wish you strength. Life is so much easier, and happier, on the other side. I appreciate it isn't an easy road to get there.

I did not see the full extent of this until I had the children.

The knives under the bed should have been your line in the sand to get yourself and kids to safely

he needs to leave urgently and get help / medication / diagnosis but that’s not your problem

Yes, this is the final straw for me.