I think husband is losing his mind

[thirteenisaluckynumber]

Please be gentle on me as my nerves are in tatters over this. DH has always been a difficult person to communicate with. Not just with me, he is like this with his family. So it's impossible for me to get any clarity from him and tbh I have given up trying. But my life with him is totally devoid of joy because he will literally hoover the mood when he's in one of his slumps. Firstly, he hates his job and for ages now keeps saying he's on the brink of being made redundant. So far it's not happened and when I ask him why he thinks this, specifically, he just gets agitated and says 'trust me'. Obviously, when he does this, it is very unnerving and I feel no closer to understanding why he thinks it and I'm fucking fed up of it. Recently, our car was keyed. He's convinced that we are being targeted but there's no evidence of this. The neighbour put out a toy for collection and he reckoned this was a marker so whoever scratched our car would know which one to get. Again, there is no evidence of this. He's now keeping knives under the bed for protection. I have removed them. He drinks every night. Not a huge amount but nights where he doesn't drink are rare.

I have told him that I cannot cope with him going on like this. Classic DARVO, when I get upset because of how he's acting, he tells me he cannot cope with me going on like this. Suddenly, I'm the problem. I'm firmly NOT the problem. We have two DCs 11 and 13. I have no family nearby. His family would be more of a hindrance so I don't want to involve them. I work full time and have a very stressful life and honestly, I'm at the limit of what I can take. Can anyone help me make sense of what's happening here and what I can do? I have very little hope of him seeking help for himself or indeed any help being worthwhile because he is incredibly paranoid.

It sounds like depression. Quite serious depression.
You absolutely can leave.
Living with someone with depression who refuses to see it or get treatment is a living hell. It will take you down.

@Iammatrix pp may not be totally wrong. While he could be simply paranoid and delusional, it is also possible part of his behaviour is aiming to keep OP feeling unsafe. Displaying weapons around the home is one way psychologically abusive men keep up a sense of threat. It's impossible for us to know how much of this is genuine mental illness and how much is aimed to control OP. But the bottom line is that it is not a safe place for OP and her children to be and their safety, physical and emotional, is what matters.

This is interesting pov. If he is indeed doing it on purpose, did he key the car himself?

Or he could be both…it is definitely possible for someone to be paranoid victim having a mental health breakdown AND a psychological abuser.

What we all DO know is that when a woman is scared of a man, they will definitely be victimised by that man at some point - usually sooner rather than later.

op, you are scared of him. Your daughter is refusing to stay alone with him. Go to your family home, look for accommodation and schools there, just start transferring your life before you break up with him. Make it the new normal. Separate without him registering - start with ‘my mum needs help as she’s sick’c or ‘work need me in London so I’m gonna stay at my parents’’. Log things with police. Document everything. Figure out what his personality disorder is if he has one. (No one flame me but chat got will be excellent for stuff like this - just tell it about your entire relationship and it’ll see patterns and be able to suggest further topic research area for you. Not necessary right but good starting point). Most importantly do it asap. Once they start with the weapons, it’s usually a quick downhill slide.

you’ve left a few details out too which make a difference to how he is behaving - what job (or area) does he work in, age, am what’s the rest of your relationship like? Do you sleep together, do you spend time together, is he abusive in other ways? All builds a picture.

You obviously need to leave him. But you don’t want him to have the children without supervision.
So what are your options here. Build up a case against him … a police record and a record of his mental health issues. Record everything, report everything, or get others to report.
Or. You leave, Hope he won’t fight for custody now or in future.
Is there another option? You stay, you continue in this nightmare and it doesn’t get any better and your own mental health gets worse and worse. We can’t be responsible for everyone and everything.

Your DC would probably be much better off with just you as a single parent at the moment. He sounds very difficult to live with.

Sorry also, if you go to where your family are - you can apply as homeless to the local authority there. As your local connection would be having a close relative. You can also make an application for homeless assistance if you are fleeing domestic abuse.. it would make you a higher priority.
I know it isn’t ideal by a long shot. But if you need to get away you can. It’s a hellish path but it is well trodden, women have done this many times before you and will after you. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to leave, and to flee, but you aren’t alone. There’s help.

I was thinking exactly the same. We have a woman in our village who has this through drinking and displays some very paranoid behaviour with Mh services involved.

@thirteenisaluckynumber it doesn’t sound like he could take you to court. .
Say he did the kids voices would be herd and I’d they said they want to live with mum . They are happy in their new schools and they only want to see dad supervised the judge would listen .
You would have to do the traveling for his access if it was granted.

I would do what you need to do to keep you and the kids safe and happy.
Worry about the rest later . Nobody will take your kids from you .

How much alcohol does she drink ? I wonder if his brain is genuinely effected now by the intake over the years.

Leave, but I urge you to contact the GP and share your worries. I'm a mental health nurse, and paranoia to the point of hiding knives goes beyond anxiety. He sounds irritable, guarded, and paranoid, which are all parts of illnesses involving psychosis.

I was thinking that or other drugs. Some ppl can hide it for yrs

Paranoia plus booze plus knives is an immediate threat.

OP, you need to get your children out of there. For their safety and your own.

Please contact your parents and take them to stay with them as soon as possible. If they aren't there for you, Women's Aid or a local service.

Then contact a solicitor and find out your rights.

No wavering.

100% this.

I have a relative who got very paranoid. He isn't bipolar it was some kind of psychosis though. He ended up sectioned for a period of time which was a big relief for everyone.

First priority is your children and you though.

Honestly as a physician, this is screaming drug use.

It sounds as though your husband is suffering from extreme stress and depression which has brought about the paranoid episodes. I have had a lot of experience with this as my husband has gone through this. People following him, driving his car, taking things from the house. He once thought that someone had followed us 150 miles so they could drink his bottled water. Because he hadn't drunk it. You need to see your GP asap and tell her what's happening so as to have a record of it. GP might phone and speak to husband and set up an urgent appointment with him with MH team. Or even have him sectioned. But if you feel that you and children are at risk from harm then leave now. Even a hotel for a day or 2 to get clarity from GP and MH whilst you plan on how to move forward. You also need to
ask for advice from the police re the weapons.
I know how scary it all is, believe me. But you need to protect yourself and the children first and foremost. Do it now.....well in the morning.
There is help out there, it's just finding it.
Good luck.

I'd go and see your GP and tell them the full story from your perspective. It helps to have it documented and maybe they will change his meds. Or go with him, I used to do that so as to give GP the real story. We then got a referral to MH at our hospital which is very near by. Good luck.

This message (above) was for @okydokethen
Sorry for the confusion

To terrify you.

You need to take photos of the weapons to show the police. An axe by the bed is so out of the ordinary they really should pay attention to it.

You're a bit like the proverbial.boiled frog here, OP. You are caught up in the minutiae of the emotional and psychological chaos that has quietly developed and taken hold of your home to such an extent that it has become normalised.

Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Tale photos and go to the police.

Sending strength OP.

Get yourselves out of there x

This is a horrible situation OP and you’ve got loads of good advice so far.

the thing I wanted to add is your are right you could have real trouble moving far away with your children without asking his permission. You need to ask a court or him to approve to move a far distance eg over 45 minutes away or even less. If it’s 2+ hours he’s going to be able to prove that it’s a barrier to regular contact (which it is). I’ve been through all this.

What exposure does he have to on-line news feeds etc? Is he reading one sided conspiratory theory type stuff?

DH isn't technically minded but started to embrace the short feeds his mobile provides via google and YouTube. I explained to him about spyware and how it's tailor making his viewing (and therefore opinion) to what he has already watched, so he has gone from viewing welding blogs to some fairly extreme political/cultural stuff. The AI voice ones absolutely do my head in, and he knows to stop listening to it if I'm about.

Anyhow, every now and then, I will go and remove some of the things in his viewing history. Shhh! It re-sets what he is watching.

Perhaps you could investigate if this is a cause..

Police won't arrest him, he hasn't committed a crime but you certainly can call 101 to log and take advice.

Keep a journal as well, every weird thing he does/says.

Speak to you GP for support.

Sectioning is a tricky one, with no agencies involved currently. police can't section him if he's in his own home they can only 136 him if he's in public. He can only be sectioned by mental health services if they come and do an assessment and consider him a danger to himself or others. Then it depends on what section of the mental health act is used (hence the term "sectioned" as to if he has to stay against his will, how long he can be kept etc.

My immediate thought is bipolar. I say this as someone whose partner also started hiding knives due to paranoia. He was able to work at the time too - but was deep in his first manic episode it turned out. Heavy drinking can make it far worse. Get him out of the house, you don’t know where this could end up.

You don’t need to understand why he’s a miserable jerk. You can leave, even if he’s absolutely lovely, just because you want a better life for yourself and your children. It must be a horrible way for them to live.

Thanks so much for all your posts. You've given me so much to think about and very solid advice. For pp's questions, he is 50. I am 41. I'm as confident as I can be that he's not on drugs. For one, he hardly ever goes anywhere apart from work and home. (This is probably not unrelated to his mental state). I am very confident he did not damage the car himself. I also found out last night that he reported the neighbour's toys in the garden to the police.

It's abundantly clear I need to leave. The escalation to this state (the worst it's ever been) has been a relatively slow creep so I feel like the boiled frog. There is NO way he will admit he needs help (everything, everywhere is always someone else's fault) and without admitting it, he will not seek it. Anyhow, I've sent a message to the doctors today asking for an appointment.

he doesn't read conspiracy stuff as far as I'm aware. He reads The Times and The Guardian. Is not a Trump fan. Had a covid vaccine.

This sounds very similar to my husband. Outbursts, paranoia (he keeps a baseball bat under the bed but luckily no knives or axes, he would be out the door), unpleasant to have around, sucks the joy out of everything.

This came to a head nearly two weeks ago, with an argument about something daft but he blew up again, and its all on me in those scenarios.

We are currently living separately, I had been pushing to get the GP to discuss his mental health for months and he didn't. Things coming to a head and me telling him I have had enough has finally pushed him to do so. He is now on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist who is going to be looking at potential treatment paths for PTSD (he does have A LOT of undealt with childhood trauma) but they will also be looking at bipolar and ADHD.

I would say he needs to seek help, but you also don't need to live with that.

I hope my husband can get the help he needs and maybe that could lead to us being together and getting our life back together, but I am not holding out hope at this stage and it will be a very long process. Whilst that process is ongoing, I don't want to be subjected to what I have been.