I think husband is losing his mind

[thirteenisaluckynumber]

Please be gentle on me as my nerves are in tatters over this. DH has always been a difficult person to communicate with. Not just with me, he is like this with his family. So it's impossible for me to get any clarity from him and tbh I have given up trying. But my life with him is totally devoid of joy because he will literally hoover the mood when he's in one of his slumps. Firstly, he hates his job and for ages now keeps saying he's on the brink of being made redundant. So far it's not happened and when I ask him why he thinks this, specifically, he just gets agitated and says 'trust me'. Obviously, when he does this, it is very unnerving and I feel no closer to understanding why he thinks it and I'm fucking fed up of it. Recently, our car was keyed. He's convinced that we are being targeted but there's no evidence of this. The neighbour put out a toy for collection and he reckoned this was a marker so whoever scratched our car would know which one to get. Again, there is no evidence of this. He's now keeping knives under the bed for protection. I have removed them. He drinks every night. Not a huge amount but nights where he doesn't drink are rare.

I have told him that I cannot cope with him going on like this. Classic DARVO, when I get upset because of how he's acting, he tells me he cannot cope with me going on like this. Suddenly, I'm the problem. I'm firmly NOT the problem. We have two DCs 11 and 13. I have no family nearby. His family would be more of a hindrance so I don't want to involve them. I work full time and have a very stressful life and honestly, I'm at the limit of what I can take. Can anyone help me make sense of what's happening here and what I can do? I have very little hope of him seeking help for himself or indeed any help being worthwhile because he is incredibly paranoid.

so sorry @chinup123 I'm quite shocked how similar some of our experiences are. Good that he's getting help at least and I'm glad you have breathing space from him. I completely understand it being all on you. This is exactly what is happening to me. I'm just trying to exist.

Big hugs to you, you have DCs to think of too, and no matter how much you shield them from the moods and walking on egg shells they will feel it.

Has he always been like this? Or has there been a shift at a certain point?

As I said in my post my DH has some very obvious sources in his childhood of trauma that could lead to mental health issues in adulthood and he has struggled with depression and anxiety as long as I have known him (12 years) but there was a definite shift in this over the past 4-5 years (Covid possibly but could also be coincidental as we were very fortunate in being largely unaffected physically or financially) in his general mood and his resilience to quite normal levels of stress i.e. work, children, money etc.

Thanks @chinup123 💙yes agree re DCs and I have exhausted myself trying to shield them but of course they know. To their credit they don't actually tip toe around him the way I've had to. DD especially is quite blunt with him. He'll take that out on me of course - I am responsible for everything. He's always been like this but it's the past year where things have escalated to where they are now. It started when a few things shifted in his workplace - upper management changes.

I am just utterly sick of feeling like I've done something wrong when I know I have not. It's like always being 'in trouble' with him. Well fuck that.

I think you and your kids could do with a bloody good holiday. Can you afford one this summer?

Yes, psychosis came to mind for me

Yes, you have made the right decision, and you really are the boiled frog, as happens to so many intelligent and capable women.

All the doctor can do is tell you to persuade your H to go for a checkup. He or she won't be able to diagnose H. You may be advised to call an ambulance so he can be taken for an urgent MH assessment if the situation takes a turn for the worse.

Above all, though, you need to call the police if he ever makes a threat against anyone including himself. Do not hesitate.

As you make your plan to leave, make sure he never gets wind of what you're doing.
You can call Women's Aid for support - 0808 2000 247.
This situation has the potential to become dangerous for you.

OP as he's a heavy daily drinker - otherwise known as an alcoholic - he could have Alcohol Related Dementia.

It will only get worse. Alcohol is a depressant so he's locked in a downward spiral. Get your children and yourself away to safety. You can't help him.

This could be the beginning of schizophrenia. It can worsen slowly over time exacerbated by stress. It can develop without drug use or childhood trauma due to changes in the brain.
Depression can be present before hand, well in my experience of it anyway.

Ask your GP where you can turn for help. It can be difficult to get an adult to seek treatment. Earlier treatment will hopefully lead to better outcomes. Your husband is probably terrified if he is taking knives to bed and he needs help with his mental health.

A pp has mentioned it briefly already, but at their ages then children will have the choice to see him or not.

DD doesn't seem interested in a relationship with him but what about your other child? Would they agree?

Speak to his GP about the paranoia, knives etc so there's at least a record. This could help establish whether children are safe with him in future.
Get some legal advice.
Keep noting everything down.
With the constant threat of redundancy is he job hunting? That would be most people's response to that situation. To jump before you're pushed. Unless he's entitled to a large redundancy payout?

If he can't tell you why, say your not wanting to discuss things which have no basis. If your lifes stressful you don't need extra drama. I know someone like this and recently started saying that to them. I will discuss real actual event happening but don't have the bandwidth to also get upset about things which aren't happening. Every time nip it in the bud. Tell him to arrange a chat with manager to discuss his worries as surely it's affecting work?
When he's sober very clearly tell him knives are a no no, but he can phone police to come out to hear his concerns about being targeted. Iv found once we stop hiding situations ,accepting and going along with others paranoia, make it really obvious to others what's going on, it takes the wind out their sails cause if multiple people tell them they are acting up , it's harder for them to dig into their ruminations. Our homes are our havens but for some it's a safe space to let our fears out too, but it's dominating everyone. He's comfortable telling you all his fears, tell him yours, that's your wanting out of this depressive environment, it's pulling you down. He's the one to fix it or accept relationships is over

How are you doing now @thirteenisaluckynumber ?

I would make sure you tell your GP your fears about H’s mental health, paranoia and knives under the bed.
I would go to the police and make sure they keep a log of you feeling you and DC are in danger.
I would ring woman’s aid to see if they could help me on the social housing list because you’re not safe.
As for H taking you to court for access, is he more of an Eyore ‘woe is me’ than someone that would take you to court?
You might be shielding your DC but he is still sucking the joy out of everyone’s lives. I’m guessing he’s not a hands on dad as he too busy ruminating about the sky falling in. There is no way they would go to see him if you split up, he is too miserable. I should imagine they want to meet somewhere neutral like a cafe and after half an hour, want to leave him.
The knives scare me but the gloom and doom would have me putting a gag on him. You can’t live like this, you need freedom to laugh and be happy. You don’t owe him anything so please don’t stay with him.
I would get your ducks in a row, so you know what’s in the bank and any assets.

He doesn’t just suck the joy out of everyone, he dominates the household. You haven’t been on holiday for years because he has made sure he ruined it for you all to stop Amy more holiday plans. Any laughter or joy is quickly stamped on because in his eyes, if he’s miserable then he’s taking you all down with him.
He is now paranoid and thinks he is being targeted outside of the house, he may start to believe you and the DC are conspiring against him with these unknown assailants.

I think you should plan your exit and go without much warning, as the knives under the bed is very scary.

He may currently have no intention of using them against you, either to threaten or garm, but all bets are off when splitting up.

Just wondering how you are op?

Hi @QuaintMauveCrow . I was on Mumsnet again looking for ironing board recommendations 🙃and realised in the fog of last year I didn't come back with an update. (Not that anyone is particularly interested!).

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your help, advice and support on this thread over a year ago. I was simply at rock bottom emotionally and have never felt more like a caged rat in my life. This thread gave me enormous hope that I wasn't an awful person and there was an alternative way of living.

Things escalated from that point, with him having multiple delusions until he lost all touch with reality. It was terrifying and I called the police who took him to hospital. He was sectioned for 12 weeks. When he was discharged, I refused to have him home and so he went to his family, where he continued drinking. I didn't feel safe still, so I packed up all our things and left to stay with my family, managed to find new schools, sort uniforms etc out in record time. It took a while but both kids settled now. Both having counselling. He was particularly nasty to DD and she has since blocked him.

I kept communications open with him but in recent weeks he's become increasingly nasty, calling me names etc. I tried to offer a path where he could repair his relationship with his daughter but he refuses to take any responsibility for his actions and just blames me for everything. It's weird - I'll take time to set out in writing how she feels and he just skips past it. Anyway, I have since blocked him too for my own mental health. He can email me but it goes to a different inbox that I can check if I feel I can cope with it. I still feel guilty but it's much less than before.

The mental damage I have from years spent in an emotionally abusive relationship is awful. The self doubt, guilt, fear and misery can't be undone in a short space of time. For anyone else in this position, get out if you can, have therapy (I have PTSD and I'm having trauma informed CBT, which is useful) and speak to your GP. I'm not there yet, and I still feel afraid of him and what he might do, but I'm moving forward with my life without living in immediate fear.

Thank you :)

Thank you for taking the time to update with all that you've got going on.💐

Thank you. I've never been as exhausted physically and mentally in my life, even when in the newborn stage. How one person can absolutely dominate and ruin your happiness is criminal.

You’ve done the very best thing for you and for your daughter. You’ve been brave. I wish you a happy future.

Well done OP!! You are a legend and should be so proud of yourself. Sending you all the best and thank you for your update. It’s hope for many other women too in a similar situation that it can be done xx

You are enormously brave OP
Well done for leaving and for protecting your children.

You've done an amazing thing for your and your children's future. xx

Ring 111 option 2 - knives under bed based on his version of reality are a risk. If you and children feel unsafe/are unsafe then He need to be assessed- this escalation in paranoid and behaviour is a red flag

Sorry just read up date

Good for you OP a hard thing to do I’m glad you and DC are safe