Page 2 | I think husband is losing his mind

thirteenisaluckynumber · 2025-04-29T15:11:07+00:00

Please be gentle on me as my nerves are in tatters over this. DH has always been a difficult person to communicate with. Not just with me, he is like this with his family. So it's impossible for me to get any clarity from him and tbh I have given up trying. But my life with him is totally devoid of joy because he will literally hoover the mood when he's in one of his slumps. Firstly, he hates his job and for ages now keeps saying he's on the brink of being made redundant. So far it's not happened and when I ask him why he thinks this, specifically, he just gets agitated and says 'trust me'. Obviously, when he does this, it is very unnerving and I feel no closer to understanding why he thinks it and I'm fucking fed up of it. Recently, our car was keyed. He's convinced that we are being targeted but there's no evidence of this. The neighbour put out a toy for collection and he reckoned this was a marker so whoever scratched our car would know which one to get. Again, there is no evidence of this. He's now keeping knives under the bed for protection. I have removed them. He drinks every night. Not a huge amount but nights where he doesn't drink are rare. I have told him that I cannot cope with him going on like this. Classic DARVO, when I get upset because of how he's acting, he tells me he cannot cope with me going on like this. Suddenly, I'm the problem. I'm firmly NOT the problem. We have two DCs 11 and 13. I have no family nearby. His family would be more of a hindrance so I don't want to involve them. I work full time and have a very stressful life and honestly, I'm at the limit of what I can take. Can anyone help me make sense of what's happening here and what I can do? I have very little hope of him seeking help for himself or indeed any help being worthwhile because he is incredibly paranoid.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 29/04/2025 17:07

it Could be the drink compounding his natural personality( which is horrible) or he may need a MH assessment
Whatever the reason he treats you like shit and makes your life joyless and miserable.
Think about what your future can look like without him
Here is a clue… Pure bliss

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 29/04/2025 17:10

thirteenisaluckynumber · 29/04/2025 16:33

I do need to leave. I've no interest in 'fixing' him or making things better because experience has taught me this is a waste of my time. I worry that he will take me to court for the children but I don't think he's capable of taking care of them, especially with his mental health. I'm also scared. The knives under the bed has left me frightened because it's so weird.

I think perhaps you need to report this to the police. I also think you need to start making plans to leave, sooner rather than later. And don't tell him!

What if you or your dc got up in the night and he wakes with a start in the dark, thinking you are an intruder, and grabs his knife? The potential consequences are horrific.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 29/04/2025 17:10

plan everything on the quiet when you do leave. He is dangerous and could easily use those knives on you
Thinking again I think you should call police anytime you feel uneasy

Original poster

thirteenisaluckynumber · 29/04/2025 17:13

If I call the police and say he has extreme paranoia and knives under the bed, realistically, what could they do? I am genuinely frightened. Sorry for asking so my questions, I'm just trying to get this straight in my head.

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okydokethen · 29/04/2025 17:16

My life is very similar, same age kids too. DH has an axe by his bed. (Separate rooms)

what works tbh is keeping life very simple, he works six days a week and Sunday with him is mostly a home/garden day, we do things in his comfort zone but the drive anywhere can be hard going and he can be highly paranoid in crowds.

I manage the job stress by gently joking ‘you tell me every week’ when he says he thinks he’ll be fired. I don’t ask lots of questions to be honest he drones on about his problems a lot, so I don’t seek out more. I do always listen to him though.

I also do what I want in terms of socialising/fun, kids and I go out on Saturdays and do whatever we like, we holiday without him. I no longer apologise or lie of DH doesn’t join us somewhere.

he has been to the doctor but only tells them about stress and feeling angry, he doesn’t consider himself paranoid or mentally unwell and obviously gps don’t ask lots of questions.

Original poster

thirteenisaluckynumber · 29/04/2025 17:18

I'm sorry you are in a similar situation, @okydokethen I have also given up on holidays. They always sucked. Why does he keep the axe by the bed?

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Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 29/04/2025 17:26

thirteenisaluckynumber · 29/04/2025 17:13

If I call the police and say he has extreme paranoia and knives under the bed, realistically, what could they do? I am genuinely frightened. Sorry for asking so my questions, I'm just trying to get this straight in my head.

Practically, very little. But if your concern is legally recorded by them, it could help,you in any future custody issues. Same with telling the GP, the more prior evidence you have, the better.

Original poster

thirteenisaluckynumber · 29/04/2025 17:27

Thanks @Allthegoodnamesarechosen. I will call them tomorrow when at work and just register what's happening and ask for advice. I will also email my GP. She is lovely so that's something.

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bigboykitty · 29/04/2025 17:27

You can ring the police on the non-emergency number @thirteenisaluckynumber and talk to them about your concerns. Do tell them you are very frightened that you and the children could be in danger if he knows you have involved the police. You could also contact your local mental health crisis team, but I expect he will just fob them off and say he's fine and they are so overstretched they will probably be happy to accept this. Do take photos for evidence, but be very careful not to get caught doing this, for eg if they upload to a shared cloud, as this could escalate risk. You need specialist advice to leave safely.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/04/2025 17:27

This all needs to be logged with the police Op, he's becoming worse and could become violent so please don't take any chances. If you leave (which I absolutely think you should) the more you've highlighted to the authorities the better, it would help with the courts if he tries to go 50/50 with the DC. I'd see the Dr and make them aware too. I hope you have family who can help you get away

bigboykitty · 29/04/2025 17:28

Sorry - cross-posted

okydokethen · 29/04/2025 17:35

In case of intruders.

I know when and why his paranoia really cranked up. He can be frightening when he explodes but he can also be calm and loving and we can go weeks or months and all is calm - but I’m always mindful to keep things easy for him, it’s always there in my mind and I have thought very hard about leaving and am considering this. My main fear is my children, I wouldn’t want him to have them 50/50 or even on a bad day, when I’m here I help diffuse things and financially it would be very hard.
he is an involved, loving dad in lots of ways and has cut down drinking, so he might drink one or two drinks a day but not more and this is helping. I’ve really pushed for this and rarely drink myself.
hes also excels in a crisis which is strange, he is absolutely on form if there is any problem or health issue etc he is 100% with me and kids with anything we need - it’s avery confusing contrast, because as much as I love this, I want to be happy outside of a problem and crisis situation. We don’t do anything except dog walks together.

if you called the police they would respond, they would ask if you feel threatened, they would asses his presentation and whether he has been drinking and could arrest him but as I understand it police are taking a step back in responding to mental health crisis’ and this is being pushed back to the NHS. Perhaps they call an ambulance? I would call the police if I was scared but I also know it would be avery distressing event especially if there is a wait for a 999 response.

Original poster

thirteenisaluckynumber · 29/04/2025 17:40

Thank you, @bigboykitty. There's no shared cloud. He's technologically not very astute. I will record as much evidence as I can. I think he's having some kind of breakdown as it's never been this bad. My family will absolutely help me but my fear is I get away and then I'm forced to come back with them by a court order or something and I lose access to them altogether or they have to spend weekends with him. I genuinely have no clue about the whole process. DD does not like being in the house alone with him for long periods because they always argue and so I don't go out much anymore. I would be uprooting their lives. I think they would understand but I feel bad even thinking of doing it. Now it feels like I have to for their safety.

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Davros · 29/04/2025 17:57

Contact your GP or the Police. Ask for a referral to the emergency mental health team and explain about the paranoia and knives. They should visit asap and can section him or refer to MH services. I went through this with my DH. He was not sectioned but spent 12 weeks in a psychiatric unit

Ughn0tryte · 29/04/2025 21:53

It's a game.
He's setting you up so that you're so on edge you can't think straight. It's a distraction.
If he was concerned about being made redundant his conversations would be related to how he's got back up plans in place such as savings and job hunting. But what he's doing is emotionally dumping on you. And what are you going to be able to do with him possibly being unemployed but possibly not? Nothing - you can't job hunt for him or chase HR for confirmation for him.
The knives and keyed car is also trying to scare you. If he was concerned about safety, he would have informed the police, moved you and the children somewhere for a few weeks etc. But he's not interested in your welfare... and what would a knife do when he's drunk and asleep anyway? He's trying to keep you sleep deprived worrying about the boogie man. (He's so worried he's fallen asleep).
It's a game, he knows you're onto him and that you're likely to leave so he's attempting to scare you into staying. After all, you would be terrified of the boogie man if he wasn't there with his knives (asleep) to save you and the children who are in different rooms.
Stop entertaining him. Focus on your children's welfare. Inform the school of the risks he poses to them so they do their own investigations and you have someone else's professional record should you need it when he applies for full custody.
He will apply for full custody if he knows he doesn't have to pay for his children. He's also very good at communication at work but chooses to be at home. He's not the victim, your children are.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 29/04/2025 22:18

ZoggyStirdust · 29/04/2025 16:12

Is he smoking weed too? If so, that would explain the paranoia

I was thinking along same line literally.. coke.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 29/04/2025 22:24

I think you need to talk to your gp and ask for advice.

Iammatrix · 29/04/2025 22:31

Ughn0tryte · 29/04/2025 21:53

It's a game.
He's setting you up so that you're so on edge you can't think straight. It's a distraction.
If he was concerned about being made redundant his conversations would be related to how he's got back up plans in place such as savings and job hunting. But what he's doing is emotionally dumping on you. And what are you going to be able to do with him possibly being unemployed but possibly not? Nothing - you can't job hunt for him or chase HR for confirmation for him.
The knives and keyed car is also trying to scare you. If he was concerned about safety, he would have informed the police, moved you and the children somewhere for a few weeks etc. But he's not interested in your welfare... and what would a knife do when he's drunk and asleep anyway? He's trying to keep you sleep deprived worrying about the boogie man. (He's so worried he's fallen asleep).
It's a game, he knows you're onto him and that you're likely to leave so he's attempting to scare you into staying. After all, you would be terrified of the boogie man if he wasn't there with his knives (asleep) to save you and the children who are in different rooms.
Stop entertaining him. Focus on your children's welfare. Inform the school of the risks he poses to them so they do their own investigations and you have someone else's professional record should you need it when he applies for full custody.
He will apply for full custody if he knows he doesn't have to pay for his children. He's also very good at communication at work but chooses to be at home. He's not the victim, your children are.

Are you being serious?

cryinglaughing · 29/04/2025 22:34

If he's a drinker, have you looked into Korsakoff's Psychosis?

GeorgianaM · 29/04/2025 22:37

You've spent enough time and energy on this fruit loop.

It's time to accept he's not going to change and his paranoia is escalating which could be dangerous for you and your children having him in the house. Knives under the bed is extremely worrying.

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 29/04/2025 22:40

I'd be calling Women's Aid for advice on the children/ custody. That sounds to me like your biggest barrier and fear.

Speak to G.P ( female), Women's Aid and ask for advice before going to police.

I can't tell from the info if he is capable of smearing you entirely, being seen as the victim and totally capable and able to present you as the problem. This is what I'd be really cautious of. I'd keep your head down and start planning whatever you can.

MonsteraDelicious · 29/04/2025 22:51

Hi OP. I would probably call someone like women's aid or another domestic abuse charity to get some advice around safety planning and leaving.

As he is paranoid and delusional, has weapons and you feel scared, I think the priority it to get you and the kids to safety before alerting him that you're thinking of leaving.

You don't feel safe and everyone deserves to feel safe at home.

SipandClean · 29/04/2025 22:52

Can I ask how old he is?

Endofyear · 29/04/2025 22:53

I think you do need to leave, you and your children are not safe, given his level of paranoia and heavy drinking. Please contact Women's Aid for advice how to do this safely. Take the children and go and stay with your family if possible and then get some legal advice. You can also inform the police that you feel unsafe with him in the home.

recipientofraspberries · 29/04/2025 22:55

The paranoia, drinking, high levels of resentment and insecurity/low self regard, and now starting to stash weapons, raises red flags of family annihilation to me.

I know that sounds extreme and it is extreme, but we have to remember the biggest cause of death to women is their male partner. Family annihilation and femicide are extreme, but they happen, and they're actually one of the most likely threats to us as women.

OP, I'd get yourself and your kids out of there ASAP.